Hello 'Mrs Robinson'

The only thing I have in common with Steve is that we are Christians. Our conversations are nothing special, leaning towards the superficial and are at best one-sided – him telling me about his day, his dreams…himself. Rather dull actually. It is clear that we are from different generations –13 year gap- and in terms of character/personality, he is not my type. Really if the boy were ugly, I would not even pay him any attention!

And there in lies the problem. I have this intense physical attraction towards him and have been avoiding him for the last 2 weeks hoping that ‘out of sight’ would kill it. I even took him off my Facebook Friends so that I wouldn’t have to see his photos (and download them to my computer as screensaver …)

Avoidance is impossible because we are both involved in related ministries at church and see each other at least twice a week. Yesterday when he was leading worship at a prayer meeting - I couldn’t stop staring. As the weather gets warmer, he is wearing tops that really show off his magnificent physique! I tried to block my view by standing behind a tall guy, and when that failed closed my eyes – his image was still there- emblazoned on my mind.
I’d ignored him before the meeting, but as there were so few people it began to feel awkward (C’mon girl you are 33 not 13) so when he was in range, I turned around and said hello. He gave me a big warm hug… (in church we greet each other with brotherly hugs- never mind that our thoughts...ok mine...are far from pure!)

Dwelling on this hug this morning led to a vivid sexual fantasy which I had to pull myself out of quite sharply.
Now I feel dirty and wretched as it is not the first time this has happened. How do you pray about this to God? My repentance is rendered empty and meaningless by subsequent actions… Honestly, I don’t think I want to give up the fantasies! I’m addicted to them. I have tried to remove anything that feeds them cutting back drastically on romantic novels, films or TV programmes. I have bound the spirit of lust and cast it out…
Short of leaving the church (not an option), and never seeing him again, I really don’t know how to deal with this! Anyway it wouldn’t really solve the problem again because the cycle would be repeated somewhere else
I wanted to discuss this during Oasis, but they were more concerned about my relationship with my father and it is just too embarrassing!!!

If it is this difficult for me, a woman, to control this area, how do men deal with it on a daily basis??

Armpits...

Ewww! I can smell B.O – I think I forgot to use deodorant today! How crap is that!
I’ve had all sorts of problems with my armpits

After the disastrous events on St George’s Day I bought a high strength anti-perspirant called Driclor- containing Aluminium Chloride Hexahydrate, Ethanol, Purified Water to deal with the sweat patch problem… Well it did what it said on the tin, but the side effect was very painful itchy armpits. After 2 weeks of persevering, I gave up, deciding it was better to have sweaty rather than itchy armpits

Then I went the other way and bought a deodorant called Pitrok Original Natural Crystal which contains Ammonium alum (pure natural mineral salts). It has no odour, and kills the bacteria that cause odour. However, every time I put it on, it stung – and the irritation did not stop
So now I am back on Sure, but my armpits are totally screwed. I keep scratching and rubbing! Sometimes unconsciously- I catch myself after a few rubs, then look around to see if anyone has noticed! I’m sure they have and are just too polite to tell me!

Discernment...

Yesterday at Alpha, Anne Coles gave a talk on why and how we should we read the Bible.
To illustrate how God speaks to us through the Bible, she told the story of when John (her husband) and she first came to St Barnabas, it was full of senior citizens and dead . They had high hopes on growing the church, but after 2 years, nothing had changed and they were feeling disheartened

Then God gave Anne a scripture to give them hope…

Jeremiah 33: 10 – 11
"This is what the LORD says: 'You say about this place, "It is a desolate waste, without men or animals." Yet in the towns of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem that are deserted (to Anne that meant North Finchley area), inhabited by neither men nor animals, there will be heard once more the sounds of joy and gladness, the voices of bride and bridegroom, and the voices of those who bring thank offerings to the house of the LORD, saying,
"Give thanks to the LORD Almighty, for the LORD is good; his love endures forever." For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before,' says the LORD.

Today, 20 years later, it is easy to see that this scripture has been fulfilled in St B’s. We have a diverse congregation of various nationalities, ages (although I suspect the average age is about 25 years old), worship is vibrant, and the presence of God’s Holy Spirit is real! New believers are added to our numbers every week. We’ve sent out missionaries around London and to various parts of the world. Lots of marriages take place…

After the talk, I casually asked Anne for the Scriptural reference,

“Jeremiah 33:10….So you want to get married do you?”

I was taken off guard because… yes… that’s exactly what I’d been thinking

“Urrm, that’s part of the plan for my life… what I’m hoping for... that Scripture applies to me”

“That's true, I’ll pray for that for you Kim”

And you know what, she will!

But how discerning of Anne eh?

33 today!

Usually on my birthday, I reflect on my life- highlighting all the things I haven't yet achieved! Today, will be slightly different. I'll try to focus on the positive...

1) I have been a Christian (born again) now for 18 years and I am still IN the Lord. I have faith in a Mighty God who loves me SO much and I can't wait to actually see Him face to face. However there are still some things He would like me to do while I'm still here on earth... which I am excited about. Life is one big adventure!

Thank you Lord for the people you have placed in my life to help me along this journey.
Natasha Kainerugaba, who lent me the book, which started me on the journey to Salvation;
my sister Ngonzi, the first person known to me who paid a price in following You (my father disowned her). To the spiritual leaders you have provided through the years- Vicki Owens, Pastor Joshua, Pastor Chris, Pastor Mark and Maureen, Alex and Milly Ojera, Paul Walsh, Bruce Atkinson, Edna Darko-Sarkwa, Joanne Marshall, Linda Steinmark, Henry Kendal, Anne Coles, Colin Brookes

Even those that I have not met personally, but whose ministry has had a significant impact on my life - Corrie Ten Boom, Joyce Meyer, R. T. Kendall, C.S. Lewis, Brother Andrew, Dawn Eden, Michelle Mckinney Hammond, Philip Yancey, Sheldon Vanauken, Elisabeth Elliot

2) I've got a great parents, siblings, niece and nephews whom I love so much. Sure we have our spats from time to time, but we are there for each other when it matters. We also have some good times which I enjoy. Thank you Lord for my family

3) Spending time with my friend Sheila today made me realise just how privileged I am to have such good friends in my life. People move in and out of our lives, but there are some who make a big impact and will always have a special place in my heart, and me in theirs! I can't list them all here, but you know who you are. Also mention the friends that I have met through the Internet who are still a big part of my life - Glennis, Birgit, Simon.
Also for the best friends who are not in my life anymore but will always be remembered fondly - Eddie Bakuta (RIP), Sam Katts and Stephen D. I miss you guys. Thank you Lord for ALL my friends

4) A word was spoken over my life, that I would be an evangelist - spreading the Good News that Jesus saves. I have personally introduced one person to Jesus, and she is still in love with Him. I have facilitated the work of other evangelists by giving of my finances, encouragement and time. Thank you Lord for allowing me to serve in this way

5) With my finances, I have put my cousin through high school, and now she is doing her A' levels. Thank you Lord for enabling me to play a role in the life of this young, intelligent lady! I pray that this seed I am sowing in her life will bear fruit and one day she will be in a position to do the same for others.

So there you have it. My life and what's important to me for the last 33 years!
Here's to another 33 years

Florida Revival part 2

Yesterday we had a meeting at St B's to hear a report from John and Ann Coles who have just come back from visiting Lakeland, Florida.
I had very high expectations because I’ve been hearing stories about people coming back from Florida and starting little revivals in their hometowns.
Finally I would experience the undeniable, tangible presence of God.
Before the meeting, I saw a lady on crutches and thought to myself – she is going to get healed tonight
Steve (my ‘crush’) led worship and then John and Anne shared stories that they had heard from people who had been healed at the meetings they'd attended – which were pretty amazing. We watched a couple of video clips of the services and the Coles’ asked us to note the AUTHORITY used to heal people.
A big revelation for me yesterday was Jesus never actually prayed for healing… instead he COMMANDED sickness to leave bodies.
If indeed we take Jesus at His word when He said in Mark 16: 17,18 (NIV)
And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my Name…they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well
And again in John 14:12
I tell you the truth; anyone who has faith in me will do what I am doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father

Then healings should be a normal part of our Christian lives
We usually hear of great healings in the Third World (Africa, Asia), but in Lakeland God has demonstrated that the same can happen in the Western World too.

With this in mind, those in need of healing were asked to stand up – and those around to lay hands on them and command healing. I looked around for the lady in crutches but couldn’t see her because I was stuck behind the tech team desk doing the AV!
John asked for testimonies from those who had experienced healing – a few people with irregular heartbeats, migraines, constricted throats came forward to say that they experienced something and believe they were healed
At the conclusion of the service we prayed for the fire of God to fall upon us, so that we could go out with power into the world that we live in –workplaces, homes, schools, streets.
I don’t know why I never feel anything at these meetings. Some people around me were crying out, others were doing this ‘Pentacostal body convulsion’ thing and others were on the floor. So I closed my eyes against distractions (Steve… although could still hear his voice and keyboard playing) and tried to manufacture some form of emotion – squeezed out a few tears but nothing else. I don’t want to fall into the trap of mimicking because that would be hypocritical! I guess what I really wanted was for God to call me by name, like He did once at a public meeting in Glasgow in 1994.
Perhaps I am not pressing in enough (whatever that means) or haven’t reached the point of desperation! In my heart, I really want to have more of God’s power, to be able to live a genuine Christian life, to enjoy greater intimacy, get excited and tell others about Him and bring them into the fold.
I want to go up to the girl at work with arthritis, and command it to leave her body in Jesus name! I’m telling you… she would definitely believe in Jesus.
But to use the jargon… I haven’t caught the fire! I tried fasting yesterday but in the afternoon crumbled at the first sign of a biscuit (10 biscuits later…); the last 3 days I have been following the Bible reading plan (Isaiah 33, 34, 35 )… but so far no revelations and can’t find any practical application. Yesterday at the meeting, feeling like an outsider, thoughts were running through my mind such as… “See you don’t fit in. In fact you don’t fit in anywhere. There’s no point in living. You should kill yourself”
I took command of those and said out loud
“I refuse to believe those thoughts. They are lies from the enemy. I am a child of God, Precious in His sight”
Felt a bit like an idiot saying it, but I CANNOT even begin to entertain such dark thoughts…
Maybe I am possessed by a demon?
But how?
I don’t think so!
Maybe tonight at Alpha or at Home Group tomorrow I’ll ask people to pray for me!