Reflections on religion,freedom and the Shawshank Redemption

Last night I watched the final scene in the Shawshank Redemption.
The character played by Morgan Freeman; ‘Red’, has been released from prison and while he is at his job bagging groceries, he catches the attention of the store manager and asks, “Personal break boss?”

The manager beckons him over and says, “You don’t need to ask me every time you need to go take a piss… just go…Understand?
Afterwards, Red reflects,

“40 years I’ve been asking permission to piss. I can’t squeeze a drop without say so. There’s a harsh truth to face, no way am I going to make it on the outside. All I do anymore is think of ways to break my parole so maybe they’d send me back. Terrible thing to live in fear, Brooks Hatlin knew it, knew it all too well. All I want is to be back where things make sense where I won’t have to be afraid all the time…”

The thing with my traditional religious upbringing is that I became as institutionalised as Red. For so long I’d been told what to believe, how to pray, how to please God, even more so, how to anger God. Everything was structured, predictable...
Becoming a Christian broke my neatly ordered world. This should be a good thing right? But then why do I feel that I am in a kind of free fall with no parachute. Or like a surfer caught in a rip tide, drifting out to sea, helpless against the strong currents
Nothing is black and white. Issues like homosexuality, faith, healing are still grey areas and open to personal interpretation. I cannot rely anymore on unchallenged liturgies, catechisms, and sacraments to tell me what to believe.
There are no formulas because...

“God is not a vending machine”,

"God is not tame",

"He cannot be manipulated".

With no rosaries or books of common prayers to help me, I find it difficult to even find the ‘right’ words with which to pray. I struggle to have faith in a God who may or may not choose to heal or save people; or to be a witness to the boundless love of this God in the face of human… even Christian... suffering. I cannot in all honesty testify that the Holy Spirit can transform your life, when mine, 18 years down the line, is still unchanged, selfish and rotten to the core.
And I am afraid because I don’t know how I can claim to be Christian and yet have such treacherous thoughts. I’m like the Israelites, who having escaped slavery, longed to go back to Egypt, the place of their captivity.

Or as more recently portrayed in the movie, the Matrix, by Cypher, who having become disillusioned with the grim existence in the real world, betrays Neo to the Agents because he prefers his old life of ignorance within the matrix.

"Ignorance is bliss" , he says

But is it?

I recognise that ‘religion’ was a kind of prison, and I broke away from it because I felt it was lacking something. But it was easy and the rules of engagement were clearly defined. You didn't have to think for yourself because others did it for you

Religion = safe, secure, predictable

Christianity= dangerous, uncertain, unpredictable, SCARY!

I'm torn because, as Red said in the movie, I want to be back where things make sense where I won’t have to be afraid all the time.
Yet, I don’t want to miss out! I don’t even know what it is I don’t want to miss out on. I don't want to go back to the emptiness, hollowness of religion, and yet I don't want to keep on feeling...unstable

Snapshot

So it’s been a bit quiet on the blogging front- there appears to be NO movement in the blogosphere – so it isn’t just me

• Credit card bill is currently £1200+ - How did that happen?
• Weight back up to 14 stone – when did that happen?
• New job is going ok now. I’ve made a new best friend, Carlton
• Jonathan not going out of his way to talk to me. The most I get is a brief nod! And then last week after 5.00pm service, I hung about (without being too obvious) to have a chat, and he just blanked me. Okay so maybe he really wasn’t in to me
• My VERY young admirer, Sam introduced me to his grandmother and brother who were visiting from America. Sam is cute but is probably 25? Last week he said ‘jokingly’ that he would like to travel to Italy with me next year… was he was flirting? I can’t tell because I am so rubbish at flirting.
• I fluked an invitation to a celebrities party, David and Carrie Grant’s. Their sitting room is as big as my whole flat and they’ve got a nice swimming pool. I had a camera but felt it wouldn’t be ‘appropriate’ to take photos. Now I wish I had for 'vidence'! I indulged in the free expensive champagne and Baileys – got very drunk, said some strange things to my vicar and played with David Grants dreadlocks (cringe). A friend insisted on driving me home. I don’t think I’ll be invited again!! (now you see why I should have taken photos?)
• My mobile phone fell into an un-flushed toilet! Can’t really afford a new one, so I nicked my sister Ngonzi’s spare handset to use with my sim card, that she’d left at my flat by mistake. When she came over to my flat last week I removed it out of sight from the sitting room to the bedroom. However that girl must have some kind of radar because she went straight for my bedroom and said “Hey isn’t that my phone?” So busted!!! She's let me keep it. Phew!!!
• Attended the Thames Festival. Really liked the Korean entertainment.
• Attended my first emergent church worship service at St Mary’s Ealing… hmm don’t really know what to make of it. There was stuff that I liked about it. We sat, I lay down, on bean bags, the visuals were stunning. I really liked the music, Holy Communion, creating a mosaic out of broken tile bits to represent our brokenness and the prayer of commitment at the end. However, I hated the chant (i.e. kind of like Gregorian’ish) and can’t understand why they didn’t refer to Jesus by name
• Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives and X Factor are BACK!!!
• I start my Italian classes tomorrow!!!
  

A Victim of Fraud!

I couldn't believe it when I saw it!

£125 visa payment to 'Month End Money, Internet' on the 29 August 2008. Who the hell are 'Month End Money'???

I was checking my bank account online on Sunday night, when I spotted the payment. There was simply no way I could have spent £125 in one go, and then to a company I'd never even heard of!

Thank God I found out about it this way. Just last week my friend Emily discovered that she was also a victim of credit card fraud when her card payment was declined. She was understandably embarrassed and in shock, because she'd only JUST got the card, and had not used it much. When she requested a statement from the credit card company, she found someone had spent up to £1500!! £125 seems tiny by comparison!!
I got on to the phone straight away to my bank. Fortunately they have a 24 hour phone line... Good Old Nationwide!!... and had the card stopped. Next day I phoned their Special Investigation branch to explain that a fraudster had gotten hold of my card details. I could not understand how this could happen since I hardly ever use it online. The lady I spoke to explained that you only have to use your card once... if someone on the other end is dishonest, they will use your details to make unauthorised transactions. These things are commonplace. The bank have re-creditted the money.
I've become paranoid now. I keep checking my account every few hours!

I don't have any cash on me, my replacement card is arriving in 5 - 7 working days and I have no time to go into my local bank branch to withdraw money.
It sucks really

Barcelona

My trip to Barcelona was interesting

Perhaps I should start with the lowlights
I couldn’t really afford the trip and have stuck the cost of flight and accommodation onto my credit card. The only good thing is that I stuck to my spending budget of less than £100
I’d learnt that a group of guys from church would be in Barcelona at about the same time as me and we had agreed to meet up for dinner. However this did not happen for various reasons… I must admit I feel some slight rejection… but I’ll get over t
Remember my friend from LA, Delan? He’s been living in Barcelona for the last 4 months and was very enthusiastic about my visit. He took us to his friend’s restaurant, Dos Trece, which is also a cocktail and music bar. I was grateful for the non-smoking zone. Following the smoking ban in England in public places, I’ve become accustomed to the pleasant smoke free atmosphere. The smell of smoke in Spain can be quite overwhelming. After our meal, at the invitation of one of the girls I’d met in the loo, we went downstairs to the lounge where a live band was playing. I met such a variety of interesting (English speaking) people. There was the middle aged Indian couple visiting their son who works as a teacher in Barcelona. The wife showed us photos they’d taken with a drag queen in another restaurant, “I hadn’t realised it was a man!” There was also an intense German guy who was into Eastern stuff like Feng Shui etc. When he was talking to Yati I noticed her eyes glazing over… We finished off the evening at Jamboree jazz and dance club on Plaza Reial. Downstairs is the hip-hop/ R&B room and upstairs cheesy 80’s style music. I attracted the attention of an overly amorous Nigerian guy. It was okay when we were dancing together – winding, grinding, *snogging*… but when the club closed and the crowd moved towards the beach to watch the sun rise, I was surprised that he latched on to me. Apparently, I am so beautiful… he wants to hold me, kiss me, squeeze me, make love to me. He’ll pay for me to come back to Barcelona to spend time with him! (Sigh) He wasn’t bad looking, but for me there was just no chemistry. Plus his idea of ‘getting to know me better’ was purely physical and I am just not on that ‘page’ at the moment.

Barcelonans attitude to naked people is quite interesting. That morning at the beach in there was a naked guy running about. Okay… it’s 6.30am… not many people around so that’s alright? But then again in the middle afternoon, we spotted ANOTHER naked guy, walking down the busy main street, Passeig de Gracia oblivious to the open mouthed stares he was drawing from the tourists! Delan assured us that this was commonplace and not against the law. He’d have been arrested for indecent exposure in London!

Boredom

If it seems pretty much like posting overload, that’s probably because it is

I volunteered to move to a different team at the beginning of August and now think this was a terrible mistake. It made a lot of sense at the time - an opportunity to do something different. Also the new office is closer to home, so instead of one and half hours it only takes 20 minutes to get to work. I’ve even cycled in a couple of times.

Geographical location is about the only positive thing about the job so far! 2 weeks in and I’m sitting at my desk, watching the clock, twiddling my thumbs and blogging. On Monday I could not bring myself to come in and took a ‘sickie’. Today I almost cried as I left the house. Some friends have said that I should enjoy the fact that I’m getting paid for doing nothing. But that’s just not me! I’m going slowly insane from inactivity!
I’ve tried to find something to do… honestly. I’ve been badgering my new manager but he’s gone off on leave; I keep sending emails to my old manager- who has now absolved himself of all responsibility. I’ve volunteered for a project in another team that was desperate for help, but no one has got back to me. I have a mentor in the new team, who is fond of planning meetings, but not very good at implementation. I gave myself a pep talk at lunchtime

“Change your attitude! Look for something to do. Get creative”

I’m bored and there’s still one more day to go to the weekend! What will I do tomorrow?

Listening

Despite the Great Commission and my 'call' to evangelism, I'm not much of an evangelist. I think I've only shared the gospel with ONE person at work in the whole 9 years that I've been working there. I'd like to say that I've distinguished myself as a Christian, with 'this little light of mine' shining bright, but alas my attitude to and quality of work has been more of less the same, if not worse than my fellow 'unbelieving' colleagues; I often join in with the office gossip, laugh at the crude jokes (some of them can be quite funny) and my language at times, can be colourful.
So I'm not evangelising in word or deed. Occasionally I DO pray for my 'unsaved' friends, family and colleagues, but that's about it.

Yesterday I went out for lunch with a work colleague. She's been having a really rough few months with health, family, (our) dead end job etc and it became quite clear into the lunch that all she really wanted was someone to listen. So I did.
This particular person is a devout Catholic, but at the same time dabbles in occult practices such as tarot cards, palm reading, consulting mediums. As she was talking, I silently prayed to the Holy Spirit for guidance. Should I hit her HARD with the gospel?
No answer was forthcoming
As the lunch hour was drawing to a close, before I could think it over, I blurted out
"Okay, shall we pray about this? Do you mind?"
"You mean pray now?"...
"Mmhmm"...
"No, no I don't mind"
I prayed a simple prayer and my last words to her as we parted were

"God will turn this situation around. I don't know how, but He will"

Afterwards I got a text from her thanking me for listening, her spirits had been lifted her and she thought I was a true daughter of God.

I felt a bit pleased about that. Even though it isn't proper evangelising, I pray that I have sown the seed of God's hope into her life
Now Father please do something about her situation...In Jesus name I pray!

Missing In Action

I haven't seen Jonathan for the last 2 weeks... wonder where he's disappeared to. Was going to ask his flatmate last Sunday, but decided against it at the last minute
hmm...

Reasons for joining a church?

“So how come you go to an ‘all white’ church… is it because you like white guys?”

I was a bit puzzled with this line of reasoning. I’ve been mulling over that one all day.

First of all, I am attracted to handsome men with good physique, charm, self-confidence, an outgoing personality, creative bla bla bla. I relate easier to guys from a similar background… educated, middle class. and would only think of ‘Race’ in terms of stereotypical behaviour normally associated with it e.g. I’m more inclined towards Italians and Poles because all the ones I’ve met have been warm, funny and direct, Germans -tortured neurotic souls, American (men) – shallow, English- tight-assed until you put a bit of alcohol into them!!

I was offended that she would even suggest that the only reason I came to St B’s was such a superficial one. Joining a church is akin to entering into a marriage - the start of a (hopefully) life long relationship with God’s people, with Him at its centre. A place where you will invest your time, money, emotions… I can’t put a finger on why I decided to become a member of St B’s. I’d been ‘churchless’ for a few months and was captivated by the first service I attended there. It was Advent Sunday- a Family service (where kids don’t go to Sunday school but stay in the main service). I loved the interactive games, worship; the fact that a woman, Helen, was preaching the sermon; the tea, coffee and biscuits served throughout the service; the humility of the church leaders, the simplicity… the whole informality of it all… THE FREEDOM. The verse 2 Corinthians 3:17 ‘…where the Lord’s Spirit is, there is freedom’ springs to mind. It just felt… right.

Race didn’t feature at all in this decision.

St B’s isn’t a perfect church. It’s taken a while to make friends, I still feel slightly isolated because of my age – too old to interact socially with the Singles- too young in attitude to interact with my (mostly all married) age group. There’s the behind-the-scenes church politics going on, a few disgruntled people, gossip, and the very humanness of people that can be pretty hurtful. But I love my ‘St B’s family’ all the same.

The person who asked the question is American; where Race is a BIG issue. She is also completely obsessed with guys, marriage, and babies - a mindset that I am gradually getting over (I mean the guys and marriage bit). Until she mentioned it, I wasn’t even particularly bothered by the ‘white churchiness’ apart from maybe the ‘Indie’ worship music, and people’s inability to harmonise!!! There are very few of us blacks in St B’s, along with the Japanese, Indians, and a couple of Polish. I’d say our 3% ethnic minority demographic is representative of most of the UK.
All I want to do now is concentrate on living a productive Single life – not one where I am on hold waiting for a guy to come along and complete me.