The only thing I have in common with Steve is that we are Christians. Our conversations are nothing special, leaning towards the superficial and are at best one-sided – him telling me about his day, his dreams…himself. Rather dull actually. It is clear that we are from different generations –13 year gap- and in terms of character/personality, he is not my type. Really if the boy were ugly, I would not even pay him any attention!
And there in lies the problem. I have this intense physical attraction towards him and have been avoiding him for the last 2 weeks hoping that ‘out of sight’ would kill it. I even took him off my Facebook Friends so that I wouldn’t have to see his photos (and download them to my computer as screensaver …)
Avoidance is impossible because we are both involved in related ministries at church and see each other at least twice a week. Yesterday when he was leading worship at a prayer meeting - I couldn’t stop staring. As the weather gets warmer, he is wearing tops that really show off his magnificent physique! I tried to block my view by standing behind a tall guy, and when that failed closed my eyes – his image was still there- emblazoned on my mind.
I’d ignored him before the meeting, but as there were so few people it began to feel awkward (C’mon girl you are 33 not 13) so when he was in range, I turned around and said hello. He gave me a big warm hug… (in church we greet each other with brotherly hugs- never mind that our thoughts...ok mine...are far from pure!)
Dwelling on this hug this morning led to a vivid sexual fantasy which I had to pull myself out of quite sharply.
Now I feel dirty and wretched as it is not the first time this has happened. How do you pray about this to God? My repentance is rendered empty and meaningless by subsequent actions… Honestly, I don’t think I want to give up the fantasies! I’m addicted to them. I have tried to remove anything that feeds them cutting back drastically on romantic novels, films or TV programmes. I have bound the spirit of lust and cast it out…
Short of leaving the church (not an option), and never seeing him again, I really don’t know how to deal with this! Anyway it wouldn’t really solve the problem again because the cycle would be repeated somewhere else
I wanted to discuss this during Oasis, but they were more concerned about my relationship with my father and it is just too embarrassing!!!
If it is this difficult for me, a woman, to control this area, how do men deal with it on a daily basis??
