Oasis

I am beginning to weary of this Oasis Programme
The only thing we seem to do is talk about our personal history (strong emphasis on relationship with your parents) and analyse how this has influenced our character and impacted on our relationship with God. You go through this process with 2 others, helped along by a couple of facilitators who pray aloud for you individually.

I've opened up a lot and if I'm being honest, beginning to feel slightly resentful about letting 4 strangers (albeit well-meaning) into the intimate details of my life.
At the last meeting I told them about my decision to stop getting stressed,
"I don't really care about how good or bad my relationship with God is. It's not big deal anymore!"
There was an 'atmosphere' in the room as the facilitators exchanged glances. One of them said
"So this is how you are going to deal with your issues, deny that they exist and hope they go away"
"No, I'm just not going to think about them anymore!"
"But isn’t this how you normally deal with your problems?"
"No, I normally obsess about them, comfort eat, grow fat, steep myself in self pity, say cynical, pessimistic things and spoil everyone's day. I actually think this new approach is brilliant."

"But what about your relationship with your father"

Yes what about it? We've talked this out to death now. The way I see it, talking about it hasn't really helped now, has it? It's always going to be a distant relationship.
Really this is clutching at straws.

Then I got a whole lecture about how we are almost coming to an end and they expect to see some sort of progress. Also have I read through the book they gave me at the start by Stuart Lees, ‘Will The Real Me Please Stand Up’? One of the other girls constantly refers to it during the session and it is clear she is getting a lot out of it. The facilitators thought I hadn’t read it (I did – just hated his writing style). And then have I kept the 'optional' journal to help me process my thoughts and track my progress. Okay this one I haven’t done, because it is boring. Who writes things in ink anymore?
Afterwards when they were praying for me, one of them had a "picture" (this is an 'Anglicanism' I've never quite got used to; in Pentacostalese the word for it is "vision"). In this ‘picture’, I was holding a megaphone, the broad side of which had been taped up. Her interpretation was that she felt that my real voice was blocked and I was not expressing the real me. I looked her straight in the eye and said
"Whenever I am honest with people, I offend them. So now I tell them what they want to hear and life is easier for all of us"
I’m debating whether I should honestly tell them that I think this Oasis programme is a “waste of time” for me. Or should I just scribble something random in the journal, throw in a few things about my father; cry a little... anything to get them off my case. Make them happy.

I acknowledge that the BIG loser here is me. But there’s a point in life where you get tired of ‘believing’ that things will change. I think I've got enough “Christian morality” to get me through life. And even though my current situation is not ideal (what is ideal?), any changes will take time.
So I say “Relax and just go with the flow!”

What is it with making resolutions... and then life not falling into place to allow you to stick to them!
Now that I stopped stressing about God I've started reading my Bible. It just happened- unaccompanied by the usual call-yourself-a-Christian-and-you-don't-even-read-your-bible? You hypocrite guilt. I dug out the St B's annual reading plan, and just started reading. And I've done this daily since Friday. No profound revelations yet, but it's a start.

And then about guys.
Well... there's this one guy who is sending out STRONG "I really like you" vibes. He hasn't said anything yet and I don't want to read too much into it. But he invites me for things, asks probing questions, is interested in learning about me, my culture, life and actually remembers what I tell him (No Kemi... I don't test him). Perhaps he just wants to hang out with me as a friend...although I have been told by a mutual friend that he's 'looking'... And then my "crush" from church has started showing reluctance in bringing our conversations to a close. It's happened on a couple of occasions and feels really strange for me to be the one to end the conversation. Six months ago, I would have been prolonging the precious moment. Shame he is much younger than me!

What was the other one? Oh yes, career! Well nothing new there yet

Murder Mystery update...
Decided to have it on St Patricks' day, 17 March. One of the guys is sorting out a large venue for me. I'm making it a Tech team pre-Easter party and inviting a few people from the Worship team. Too many men though, and not enough women (An exception to church's normal rules of social engagement?). I downloaded the game from Internet today and it looks exciting!

A New Purpose

So I've decided to stop stressing out about

• where I am with God
• guys
• my career (or lack of one)

Instead I'm going to concentrate on things that I'm good at...like hospitality which I believe is one of my gifts.

Perhaps not 'long term' hospitality as in hosting guests for a month - my sister, Ngonzi, who stayed over last Summer is still traumatised by my 'hospitality' and hasn't talked to me since!!!

I think I'm good at short term stuff like... for an evening, a weekend, a week? I'm looking for the right word...

Entertaining!

That's it! Can this be classified as a spiritual gift? It is certainly something I truly enjoy and get very excited about.

This weekend, I've invited Home group around to chill, watch DVD's, eat Pizza. Which probably means that only Martin will come (sigh) I've given up on the rest. The only time they want to socialise is on 'formal' occasions and the concept of just 'chilling' is alien to them. It could be a cultural thing, or an age thing - after all I am the youngest in the group. But then again Martin is the oldest in the Group so that doesn't make sense!

I'm also thinking of putting on a murder mystery dinner party soon. I haven't hosted one in ages. Was talking about it the other day with some people in church who were up for the idea. Now all I need is 14 more.

This is exciting!!!

Alternate Realities

For last week’s home group our leader, Belinda, brought some materials and asked us to create something that portrays where we are at with God. Ann Marie, immediately started cutting out a spiral shape from card and made roses from tissue to create a 3D masterpiece. I turned to Trevor who was sitting next to me and said
“Well Trev, you’re the architect here. No pressure but…” with a meaningful nod at Ann Marie’s work… “I’m expecting greater things from you!”
It turns out that it had been a long work day for him and he was out of inspiration. At least that’s the excuse he gave me.

I made this…

I’m on the Salvation boat with all the other Christians. However, unlike them, I am not enjoying the ride. I feel very isolated because I cannot relate to them.

I also cannot see God in the boat, just other people. I think they can see God, so why can’t I?

In fact I feel like one of those dwarves in C.S. Lewis’ seventh Narnia book, “The Last Battle”.
In Chapter 13, King Tirian goes through a stable door to find a paradise that's much bigger than the stable. In this ‘Stable Paradise’ are 11 Dwarfs, who can't perceive the paradise. To them, it looks like an ordinary stable and they can only perceive sounds, smells, sights, and touches in terms of the "Stable Reality’. The wall of the stable in their reality is solid to them. However, that same wall is nonexistent to people in the "Paradise Reality", and they can see the light, smell the flowers, and eat the fruit of Paradise.
People like my friend Mary for instance. Over the last few weeks she has been sharing here about how God has brought her through a really difficult time. Her faith is still strong. She still quotes bible verses in a meaningful way- they sound more than just platitudes. She still delights in Worship music… no, not in the music…
In God!
By comparison, I’ve had relatively small trials (rejection, frustration, lack of direction etc), and feel utterly crushed by them such that my faith is hanging by a thread. A very thin thread mind, invisible to the naked eye, because you see my faith is smaller than a mustard seed –microscopic even. I feel trapped inside my ‘Stable Reality’, but unlike the Dwarves, I know that there’s more to Christianity than this. I don't know, would it be better if I didn't know.

Chinese New Year

In the early hours of Sunday morning, there was a huge blaze in Camden Lock Market. This is one of my favourite places in London, and is always on my itinerary for visiting friends. So I went down to have a look at the devastation. Didn't see much as the whole area was cordoned off and firefighters were still hard at work. There were loads of bewildered tourists milling about, and the traffic was just awful.

This man ruined my afternoon!!!

Yati and I went to Chinatown to join in the Chinese New Year celebrations. There’s one restaurant we always go to called “New World Chinese Restaurant” for Dim Sum. It is usually good, but this time there wasn’t much variety on the trolleys, the duck was cold. Ordering a bowl of steamed rice was a task in itself. The trolley staff didn't seem to know who took the orders for the rice. For about 15 minutes, we tried in vain to catch the attention of the non-trolley staff. When Yati signalled to THIS MAN, he waved his hand dismissively and brushed past. SO RUDE!! My eyes met with one of the trolley staff who looked as shocked as we did. She tried to excuse his behaviour by saying that he was crazy. Even after this, still no one was stopping at our table, so I stood up and declared repeatedly in a loud querulous voice, "We just want a bowl of steamed rice.What does it take to get a bowl of rice in this establishment"

As if by magic, the rice appeared!!!

I've worked as waitress before, and can appreciate that it does get busy sometimes, but that’s no excuse to be rude to paying customers. Never again!

The fireworks at Leicester Square were obscured mainly by the large fig trees and resultant smoke. Not as spectacular as you would expect for a Chinese New Year Celebration. I think next year I’ll give the whole thing a miss!

Touring London

Oh oh! I'm an alien. I'm a legal alien, I'm a Ugandan in London!!!! Last weekend, Yati and me visited Borough Market for brunch! Winter is probably not the best time to go there, but in spite of the freezing cold there were lots of people there. We ended up eating fish and chips. One of the stalls was selling jams and preserves. The rhubarb and ginger jam was particularly yummy! For Harry Potter fans, there is a doorway from a scene in the third film, 'The Prisoner of Azkabhan'
The entrance into the British Museum definintely has WOW factor. It has a lovely latticed ceiling in the lobby that simply takes your breath away.

This is me outside the British Museum, sporting a new hat that I bought for a £1

The Egyptian room was kind of interesting. Yati striking a Japanese tourist pose. I think this was the Persian room

This room has large Egyptian sculptures. Looked more impressive in the film, The Mummy.

I'm glad that it is free of charge to get into the Museum, because I would feel absolutely gutted if I had to pay money for this.

On a jollier (is that correct?) note....

Periods arrived yesterday, so this has thrown some light on why I was feeling so depressed.

PMS!!!

It really does affect me emotionally. I remember a friend at Uni, used to have a go at me whenever I had PMS, saying "You don't have to give into the negative emotions. You can fight it!" A few years later, I heard that this same friend was undergoing serious clinical depression. My vindictive side wanted to phone her and say "Aha!" (I didn't... but really wanted to)

If only there was some way to predict when I get PMS. Maybe if I recognised that I was going through it, I'd plan to avoid company, or stop blogging...
The thing is, I never know when it will hit me because my periods are soooo irregular. I used to have them at the middle of the month, then at the end, now I have them at the beginning of the month!

Perhaps I could use the Natural Rhythm method.
I remember learning about it in my Catholic High School. It is based on three ideas.

1. Firstly, that women ovulate 14 days before menstruation begins, give or take two days.
2. Secondly, that sperm can survive inside a woman for three days.
3. And lastly, that an egg can only be fertilized within 24 hours of being released from the ovaries.

Based on these assumptions, the rhythm method requires a woman to count back 14 days from the first day of her period. This will presumably be the day on which she ovulated. In order to avoid pregnancy, she will need to abstain from sex (if she is a 'good' Catholic.... try saying "No" to a horny husband!) or for the rest of us, use another form of birth control.

Come to think of it, assuming that married people don't have sex when a woman is in her periods (yuck....GROSS), does this mean that they only do it for just ONE week of the month?
Hmm...somehow marriage doesn't seem so appealing after all...
On the other hand, that's 12 weeks more sex than I'm having so... not bad at all!!!!

Obviously the system is not 100% reliable. The presence of large Catholic families (including mine) is testament to this. In my whole lifetime (32 years), I have only met ONE woman for whom the rhythm method has actually worked!

I'll probably never use it, with my 'shifting' periods.

So I can't predict my PMS!

Oh bother!