Pay slip came today...

... I worked out how much I'd have left over after I'd paid the bills.
Not a lot.
As I gnawed my pen anxiously, the words I spoke at last nights' Baptism service returned to mock me,
Do you believe and trust in God the Father, source of all being and life, the one for whom we exist?
I believe and trust in him
I could choose to walk around with a long face, in hopeless despair -a victim - even though I am responsible for this, relying on the false security of credit cards... a foolish thing to do in today's recession.
If only I'd lived within my means...
But what's done is done!
All this pre-occupation with 'M' seems so stupid now.

Need focusses us.

As I always say, it would be nice if the Christian life came with a guarantee that we would not experience pain, hurt, rejection, sickness, need... but I believe God would be an irresponsible parent if he insulated us from these things. Why do we expend so much energy running away from 'bad things'? So much so that we fail to see the other side of the coin. That 'bad things' can also act as a catalyst for change, an opportunity for growth... Isn't 'necessity the mother of all invention'??
My need is forcing me to confront the deep questions I've been avoiding like,
"Is my Christian walk merely lip service? Do I really believe and trust God to look after my best interests?"

So I choose to embrace this opportunity. In a weird way, I am looking forward to this coming year with excitement.
Perhaps I will experience my own personal manna, quail and water-from-rock incidents. (I've been listening to Exodus)

Jesus did say,
So don't worry about these things, saying "What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear? These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously and he will give you everything you need
So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today (Matthew 6: 31 - 34 NLT)

AMEN

Conversation skills

I've been reading a book by Leil Lowndes called 'How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks For Big Success In Relationships'

I particularly need it because even though I can start conversations, for some reason I can't seem to sustain them. I guess due to my legal training, I have a tendency to ask 'closed' questions a.k.a. cross examination style. But even when I make an effort to ask 'open' questions and really listen to the answers, the conversation still fall flat. I end up desperately filling the gaps with something 'interesting' about myself. When their eyes start to glaze over, I realise... oops... I've lost them!!

It's ok when I talk to naturally talkative people - no problem there. It just feels like everyone else is hard work.

The book gives little tips that I have started to put into practice. For example, there was a chapter on 'parrotting' - repeating the last thing a person said. I didn't think it could work until I tried it out on someone who traditionally isn't very forthcoming in his conversation

Me: "What did you do last weekend?"

Him; "Last SaturdayI went to the gym."

I parrotted, "The gym?"

Him: "Yeah, the gym. I like to go for about an hour, do a bit of cardio and then weights"

Me (thinking, hey this parrotting thing really works, he's never said a sentence that long to me before) "Cardio?"

Him: "Yeah, I run on the treadmill for a bit, then the cross trainer"

Me: "Cross trainer?"

Him: "Yeah the cross trainer, it really gets my heart going..."

Okay don't over use the 'parrotting' thing because it gets tideous after a while, but it really does work. There are other communication techniques in the book, but can't reproduce them all here or I'll be accused of breaching copyright.

Good conversation skills, like all things, have to be worked at. My new team is male dominated, so conversation topics revolve around football, rugby and geeky stuff - something I don't know much of. The few women talk about TV soaps and their children. Again, something I don't find terribly interesting. As such I can't really join in, and I am beginning to feel ever so slightly isolated? I could be imagining things, but I would really like to be the kind of person they want to talk to, invite out to lunch or drinks after work (been here 2 months and not even one invite...)

Lowndes says that even though you don't know much about a topic, you can still have a conversation about it. You don't have to be an expert in the field, but just know enough to ask the right questions and understand the jargon. To do this, she suggests that when you buy a newspaper, don't go straight to the section that you like (for me it's 'The Ridiculant, Travel section, Cartoon strip and Sudoku in Metro). Instead read something that you wouldn't normally read (that would be the Sports section) for a few weeks. I've tried this for the last week. It's really difficult. Who are these people? In football there is the Premier League, Champions League, UEFA cup. How do you keep up with all these games, and the names of the teams and it's members? And then keeping up with rugby and cricket?? Ai yai yai! It's just so boring!!! So and so kicked the ball, and so and so got sent off the field! Oh yeah.. REALLY INTERESTING! (note the sarcasm here)

But, if this is going to help me fit in to the team, I'll go for it! At least for another few weeks.

Next I'll have to start reading TV Soap magazine so that I can at least know the names of the characters in the soaps.

Pets vs children

I saw this the other day on Facebook and it made me chuckle! So I decided to send it to my friend Emily who is the only friend I can think of who would appreciate the humour. She found it hilarious, although commented

'... the only problem with pets u need to sort them out before you go on holiday!!!'  

Rich and crying about it??

Okay, I don't really know what set off the tears during the sermon at church this morning. 

It was based on James 5: 1-6, about RICH people. The preacher spent a lot of time defining what 'rich' meant in today's context, and came to the conclusion that compared to those poor sods in Africa, everyone in St B's that morning was rich. 

Did you know that according to the Global rich list, I am the 56,418,582nd richest person in the world.

I'm in the top 1%! 

You want to know what your position is on the rich list? Check out, http://www.globalrichlist.com

But I digress, this blog is not about how rich I am. 

The point is, I started crying and I just don't know why! Having grown up in a middle class estate, which was bordered by a squalor/slum, I do not doubt just how rich I am. Man, those people were so poor, it makes the homeless in London seem rich by comparison. I guess you'd say I'm pretty numb to poverty, in the way that most of us of these days are numb to violence. When you are exposed to too much of anything, you begin to accept it as normal. Those videos of kids with big eyes, flies buzzing around their snot nosed faces?? Yep, you know what I'm talking about... don't move me at all. So that can't have been the reason for me crying

 

What makes it so puzzling is that things were going great this morning. A few issues on the sound desk which I sorted out successfully. 'M's dad gave me a big hug when he came in to church first thing this morning.  And then his mom came up to me THREE separate times just to say that she loved me! "I just want to tell you that" 

They are just great. 

Then M ignored me, and that added to the moroseness.  Does he know? Does he suspect that I like him? Is he avoiding me? 

After service, I ran out of the church and WALKED about 3 miles to Southgate! Crying all the way there - deep wracking sobs which drew strange looks from fellow pedestrians. The devil rode on my shoulder, filling my mind with depressive thoughts. I thought I would never have to deal with these again but they have a funny way of reappearing when I'm feeling vulnerable. Finally, feet aching, I popped into ASDA and bought myself some chocolate and suddenly the world seemed a better place.

See? This is what I DON'T want to happen! 

F*ck men! 

Time to start rebuilding those walls!! (sigh)

Just a thought

One of my ‘hell bound heathen’ (her words not mine…hopefully one day we’ll change that around) friends recounted an experience she had in church. Her parents had forced her to attend the Christmas service. The preacher must have preached from Isaiah 11:6 where it says: -

In that day the wolf and the lamb will live together; the leopard will lie down with the baby goat. The calf and the yearling will be safe with the lion, and a little child will lead them all (NLT

This started off a train of thoughts which distracted her from the rest of the sermon. You mean these carnivorous animals won’t do what carnivorous animals do – which is hunt, kill and eat meat??... Especially when said meat is lying so trustfully within paws reach?? What kind of heaven would that be for them?

What about us? I mean, I do like a bit of meat - lamb being one of my favourites. Will I be forced to go vegetarian? Or worse still... eat meat substitute?

Or am I just missing the whole point of the verse?

Deceitful heart

Just as I was feeling a bit smug about mastering this whole ‘singleness’ thing, M has somehow wormed his way into my affections.
He isn’t really my ‘type’. Physically he is tall and skinny; is too quiet, is 7 years younger and at the moment doesn’t even know what he wants to do with his life!

("What? He is still finding himself??? Forget it!” my friend Emily advised)

But there’s something about him.
I remember the first time we talked. I was hovering around after the 11.30 am church service, wanting to talk to anybody, and not knowing where or how to start. There are lots of little cliques at church. My age group (early 30’s) who attend this service usually rush off home with their families for Sunday lunch etc. The cliques are mainly in their early 20’s, have grown up together and really don’t have time or anything in common with an old foggy like me. To my surprise he came up to me and instead of engaging in a discussion about tech or worship team we actually had a normal conversation. This made an impression. I’ve seen him doing this with other people at parties, church, so no – it was nothing special.

Our friendship has grown over the course of the year. As I said, he is pretty quiet and does not volunteer much info, which is quite frustrating because I prefer to be the quiet one. I love the sound of his voice. He’s beginning to relax around me; the range of conversation topics has expanded. He’s telling jokes, even teases me a bit. I’m also finding out fun things that he does in his non- church time. You know what they say about the ‘quiet ones?’

I must admit that part of my attraction to M, stems from the profound respect I have for his parents. They often give me lifts home and invite me over to their home for meals. His father in particular is such a positive, role model as a Christian father and husband. I’ve always assumed that children learn character and relational values from their parents. And so the logical conclusion is that M would somehow be similar to his dad?

He is also from dwindling pool of ‘available’ guys at church

M is quite secure in the knowledge that he rates higher than the average guy in my affections. Despite my efforts not to come across that way, he probably views me as an older sister. I’m deliberately not reading anything into his behaviour, although there is a strong temptation to do so. Having been around men, I know how irritating and bewildering it can be for them when a woman reads more into their actions than they intended! We women just have this tendency to do so. In fact, Solomon warns in chapter 2:7 and again in chapter 8:4 of his famous book, Song of Songs,
Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases

It’s so easy to feed the crushes, build up little fantasies in our mind, falling in love with the idea of love itself.

I will shush my heart and put to death the awakening desires of this deceitful heart!

Discipline

When my trousers wouldn’t zip up this morning - I finally accepted that I needed to stop living in denial! At the rate that I am consuming alcohol and carby foods (I am NOT really into fruits and vegetables at this time of the year). I don’t know why I assumed that 30 minutes swimming just 3 times a week was sufficient exercise. Self deception! Or as the Italians say "Roba da matti!" (Sheer Madness!!!) .
I need discipline!

I've been re-reading ‘A Road Less Travelled’ by the late American psychiatrist, S. Peck.
In the first section of this book, he talks a lot about discipline as the basis for spiritual, emotional and psychological growth and development. This is expressed in the forms of delayed gratification, accepting responsibility for oneself and ones actions, a dedication to truth, and balancing. Reading this made me realise that this quality is sadly lacking in my life. I would love to wave a magic wand over my life and get INSTANT discipline. In fact, I prefer this 'magic wand approach. In Galations 5:22 - 23, self-discipline or self control is listed as one of the fruits of the Spirit - Fruit is automatically produced, innit?
Perhaps I've got my theology wrong.

In real life qualities like discipline are like muscles - the more you exercise them, the stronger they will grow.

In his book, Peck uses brushing teeth every day as an example. As a child it took a lot of coaxing, cajoling, even threats from my parents to get me into the habit. Now I do it effortlessly, without thinking, and I have reaped the benefits of having fresh breath and a dazzling smile.

The process of discipline involves some effort on our part, a willingness to embrace some degree of suffering - not to avoid it.

As we are now in the season of Lent, the focus in church has now shifted to the discipline of fasting. Perhaps this is a good way to kickstart exercising our 'discipline-muscle'. The benefits of stronger discipline would spill over into every areas of our lives- bible reading, praying, loving people.
A note of caution however, there is a danger of exercising discipline unlovingly, selfishly. All that we do must be in the context of love of God and of others, otherwise we would only create monsters of ourselves. We also, must recognise that sometimes we will fail, and the important thing is to learn lessons from that failure and try again!

Rubbing Shoulders....

There are very few of us ‘Blacks’ who volunteer at Crisis Christmas so you can’t help but notice each other. However, he was more than just your average black guy. Despite dressing down, he couldn’t hide that refined look and an air of authority about him. As most Crisis volunteers work in pairs; I tried to wrangle my way into working with him, but my efforts were frustrated as others beat me to the punch. Throughout the day, I looked for opportunities to sidle up to him while we mucked out and went about our general volunteer duties. In the end I gave up and went into the common room to mingle with the guests

So it was to my extreme pleasure, that he joined my table. The guests were called away to do something, which left just the two of us. His name was Trev. He asked why I was volunteering. Because I had empathy with the homeless, having experienced it when I first came to London 10 years ago. What about you? “I’ve always wanted to come but have been really busy. I finally got the opportunity to do so this year”
On hindsight, I realise that he didn’t really say a lot about himself, apart from the fact that he travelled a lot for work, spoke French and played the saxophone – general stuff. I only understood why he was not so forthcoming when reading the newspaper a few weeks later I learnt who he really was...


Trevor Philips – Chair of the Commission for Racial Equality

Beth and me

Reaching out to the homeless

I have a friend called David. A few months ago he broke up with his wife and wound up homeless. He was also an alcoholic - a stinking drunk tramp. One day he came across our ‘Healing on the Streets’ team that goes out every Saturday to the North Finchley High Road to offer prayer for healing. I don’t know who he spoke to on that day, but all I know, he handed over his life to Christ and started coming to St B’s. I met him in his first week at church. Someone had given him a bible and he was utterly fascinated by what he was reading – especially the Jewish practices outlined in the first 5 books of the Old Testament “Sounds pretty pagan to me!”
He gave up the alcohol, and this Valentines Day we calculated that he had been ‘dry’ for just over 12 weeks. He’s moved in with my friend Julian, another church member. The other day, I dropped in to see him and noted that his room was very tidy!
“Unlike my room, which is a bit of a tip…”
He responded
“When you’ve been in a tip, you appreciate any space you’ve got”

I certainly have a better appreciation of my life

Dave’s story is not dissimilar to Josef’s. Josef came to St B’s, also moved in with Julian. Barnet Council found him a flat – I remember going on that first day to celebrate. He had tears of joy running down his face. Things were looking up for him and his life was finally getting back on track. However, just after Christmas, he descended into depression and started on the booze, things just spiralled downwards from there. Ann Marie, Julian and Dave stayed with him when he was in hospital, and afterwards checked on him at home. A couple of weeks ago he was found in his new flat – dead! Possibly from the dangerous cocktail of booze and anti-depressants- accidental or maybe even suicide

It all just seems so…. Unfair!
Why didn’t God look after Josef better?
Why did Josef give up on life just at the point when it was beginning to turn around?

There’s a new wave of homeless guys coming to church now- Steve, Lisa, Lisa with a hat, Lynn. Julian has organised a group to specifically pray for them on Monday evenings. We need God’s wisdom and direction on this. On Thursdays, Milly who owns a café on the High Road has kindly offered to give the guys a hot meal and a place to come in out of the cold for a couple of hours. These are only temporary measures though… I’d like to see the guys permanently off the streets and living whole lives.

While we were praying on Monday, I remembered the bible verses in Luke 14: 27 - 33 about counting the cost of being a disciple. The fact is, if we do take on this role of reaching out to the homeless, we will be acting like bridges –a link for these desperate, vulnerable people to get to God, wholeness, a better life, restoration etc.

Bridges are only useful when people walk on them. I shared this with the group and their interpretation- pretty obvious – is that it’s going to be messy and dirty business.
Bring it on?
Safe, cautious me? Am I willing to pay the price... to go through the pain of losing another ‘Josef’ or live constantly in fear of it happening?
I’m worried about Dave now. I’ve noticed that he’s smoking a lot more recently. Perhaps he smoked just as much before and I never noticed.
I don’t know what to do

Life's little surprises...

I've been looking forward to March. 

Ever since I splashed out (unwisely) on a MacBook for Christmas, things financially have been a bit tight. My old job, docked 7 and a half days of pay because after the annual leave adjustment, it looked like they'd overpaid me, so I got paid less in February. This was made worse by increased travel expenses and having to buy a new wardrobe for the new job. One thing after another

So March was for me, the month when everything would stabilise. I get paid my new salary which means that my disposable income is probably increasing by about £200; there's a brief respite from council tax this month - an extra £150; most of my debt is on 0% interest credit cards, allowing me to spread the repayments evenly over a 10 month period; I'm expecting pay arrears going back to June 2008 from my old job, which I was planning on sending to Uganda to kick off construction of my property there. Heck, there'd even be enough to take a cruise to Oslo in early May...

All that has changed now as Yati announced that she is moving out on the 1 March. 

Ok - not really a surprise (her moving out), but hadn't reckoned on it happening so soon and with only 2 weeks notice. My flat is almost completely furnished by her and so naturally she is taking all her stuff- sofa, bedroom furniture, in the kitchen most of the pots, glasses, plates, bowls, the iron...

There's a lesson here for me. It is going to be decidedly rough but with God's help I will ride the storm. There are people in worse situations. I guess I'll have to risk assess other areas in my life and not be caught out by the unexpected. I suppose you can't plan for every eventuality, but I should have seen this coming ages ago

You live and learn!

When it starts getting Same-ish...

... then it's time to pull out and move on to other things

Just got back from watching a Panto (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs) that a colleague, Julia, wrote, produced and directed. A Pantomime is a traditional British Christmas show for children, usually based on nursery tales and featuring stock characters in costume who sing, dance and perform skits (www.freedictionary.com)

It's all quite fun. When the nasty queen announces her evil plan, the crowd hisses and boos. When good triumphs over evil- the audience cheers. 

There's the standard

Character - "Oh no you don't"

Audience: "OH YES YOU DO"

Character "Oh no you don't"

Audience "OH YES YOU DO

With other variations such as "Oh no you can't", "Oh no you won't"

When one of the characters tells a sob story, the audience empathise with an "Awwww" . The character capitalises on this by gesturing to the audience to say an even louder "AWWW"

Then when the lead character states that they are scared of spiders and bears and asks the audience to helpfully warn them if they see anything like that; said  spider/bear only appears when the character's back is turned. The audience goes wild and point frantically "There, it's behind you", by the time the character turns around the spider/bear has 'disappeared' 

Us Brits love innuendo - which flies over the kids heads, but gets all the adults chuckling. For example in this panto, they did go on about the size of the Woodcutter's 'chopper'

I really admire people like Julia who do things like that. She's putting her talents of writing, directing and playing music to good use. I'm getting bored with all the 'partying' - it's become same'ish for me. The same music, same crowd. The Valentines, Swinging Sixties party is next week, and after that I'm calling it quits - for at least a couple of months. 

Inspired by Julia, I'm going to revive guitar playing and my singing, put a band together to perform an acoustic gig at Crisis Open Christmas. It's 10 months away, so it can be done. I've done a solo performance which went down a treat the last time. I can still do it on my own again, but I think I'll need more people to make it more interesting. I'm hoping to persuade Mike, who is a gifted bass player and singer to join up. I'll need a percussionist, a soprano, and an alto. Perhaps another guitarist. 

Yeah that should be different

Digital Cathedral presents...

We Digital Cathedral (DC) folks finally presented our Epiphany event that we started preparing for a while back  I don't know why I got asked onto the team aside from the fact that I really love clubbing and dance music. Also Katie - the 18 - 30's youth pastor must have noticed me looking bored during church services which I find rather dull with their Indie type 'contemporary Christian' songs. I tend to slip in at the end of sung worship - listen to the sermon - and then away.

The best thing about being on the DC team were monthly 'planning' meetings -  brunch at James' pad, praying together, mucking about on his audio/visual equipment and researching other alternative worship events.

Rex, the vicar of St Alban's church in Golders Green (and James' boss) kindly let us use the church for the event. It's a great venue - lovely, old features -stained glass windows, statues of religious figures and all. I just love it. 

Katie appointed me 'Creative Director' (CD) because " You are a techie, so you know the stuff!"  

It's hard to describe what a CD does!  Decorate the venue? My brother who is a part time DJ, said he would lend me his 4 disco lights, but as time drew nearer, and my reminders were met with responses like, 

"Don't worry about it, I'll sort you out. When's the thing again?"

"Like I've told you gazillion times before, including the beginning of this conversation, and the beginning and end of the one we had yesterday, IT'S ON THE 31'st!!" 

I had to come up with Plan B - Enter DH! 

I love DH... I truly do! He means well - but he could do with some help with his interpersonal skills. He just seems to piss off everyone he works with - and he DOES kind of takeover which I find quite annoying. BUT we needed him as he was the source of all necessary (free) equipment for the event i.e. data projector, disco lights with gels, drapes, extra cables - in short... everything. He insisted on coming down to the venue to visualise it and see what equipment we'd need, then him and James went into 'techie speak' and completely lost me. Okay yeah I am a techie, but I don't know names of things - that grey button turns up the volume in that black speaker, and when the red light flashes it means the speaker is going to blow, unless I turn down the red button. I rolled my eyes at DH's girlfriend, who'd tagged along for support. There was a pause in the men's conversation, 

"Umm sorry Kim, we don't mean to take over here - after all you are the Creative Director. What would you like us to do?"

"Just carry on! Don't mind me. After all YOU are the experts" *you f@%king bastards*

To cut a long story short, my role ended up being the 'Muscle' , i.e. help setting up and taking down the rig. I don't mean to discount the guys - DH had some really good ideas which we used and the church looked like thisPeople walked through the canopy to get to the stage -  like the High Priests would have done in the Old Testament Tabernacle and going into the Holy of Holies (DH's idea)

The event itself was a blast for us, the DC team. James and Katie had invited church folk who didn't show up. No surprises there... they just don't get dance music. 

My crew - Stuart & Mikey came!  Some newbies to church came as well. One of them was so bowled over about clubbing in church that she gave an appreciation speech at the end. It was well... a bit... awkward"

It felt a bit like a private party. 

Nigel the DJ had prepared really good set, including that Blaze track featuring Barbara Tucker - Most Precious Love.  Matti prepared a visual presentation based on the themes of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh (Epiphany commemorates the 3 wise men presenting their gifts to Jesus). James and Katie had composed a couple of dance tracks, which she sung to (she's got an amazing voice)

Did I connect with God? Hard to tell. I know I had a good time. I'd been feeling like a waste of space - what have I really contributed to this event - but a bible verse came into mind- about all of us Christians having different gifts but it is the same Spirit that gives them.(It's in 1 Corinthians 12)

Some gifts may be more noticeable than others i.e. Katie, Matti and Nigels gifts, but my 'invisible' gifts of behind the scenes service and of encouragement are just as important - probably not in the world or church's eyes, but definitely before God. So I was happy with that. 

Crazy!!!

My life is just crazy!

I knew I was busy - but not that BUSY!!! Work, Church, college, socialising! Okay really I should stop moaning. There was a time when I did nothing, and was so bored! A friend has latched on to me because apparently I have a 'social' life and she needs to remedy the lack in hers. My advise to her, build in a lot of 'me' time into your calendar. 

I've not had a minute to myself. And looking at my calendar... there is no free evening or weekend in the next 4 weeks! 

Okay got to dash to work now.

One hell of a commute!

Started the new job in Westminster on Monday!

Coming from a provincial office, and flung into the heart of Government, to say I am overwhelmed would be a bit of an understatement.

There are security guards everywhere; a special lift for the Secretary of State and Ministers; a subsidised canteen that sells fair trade food and serves healthy meals; a state of the art sports centre with well equipped gym, games hall, scheduled classes e.g. aerobics, kick boxing, tai chi, jazz dancing. 

Some things are still the same as in my old job - flexible working patterns which centre around core hours 10 - 12am and 2 - 4pm. Meaning I can get into work anytime before 10.00am.

Everyone is SMART! 

In my old job, the dress code was casual smart, and I only had 2 formal tops for the odd meeting with clients. This week I've been wearing the same pair of trousers - hoping no one has noticed...  Yesterday I wore a T-shirty type top, but tried to smarten it up with a tailored waist coat. On my way home, I met a friend who on seeing me remarked "Oh so it's casual smart in your new job too" ??? Clearly it didn't work!!! My wardrobe is in need of a major overhaul.Tomorrow, I am wearing 'Monday's' top - now how to make it to look different...

The commute is what's killing me at the moment. TWO hours plus - EACH WAY!!

At the moment I can only afford £13.80 for a weekly bus pass. A travel card which would have let me use the train costs £44. Until I get paid at the end of February, things are looking decidedly grim. Saying that, the journey on the first day was quite pleasant.  I left home arrived early, so popped into St Martin-in-the-Fields church on Trafalgar Square for a quick prayer, and then took a leisurely stroll to the office via the Horse Guards Parade where there was a Guards brass band playing music - all in their furry hats. It was too early for the 'Changing of the Guard'  which takes place daily at 11.00am, and nothing on the Internet seems to shed any light on it, so I will assume it was in my honour! tee hee

The next day was a reverse. I left home at about the same time as the day before. About a fifth way into the journey, the bus slowed to a crawl. There was a massive traffic jam in front of us. The bus driver announced that the jam was not going to ease up and advised us to find an alternative route - i.e. use the train! Unplanned spending! £3.70! Got to the train, and the words, 'packed in like sardines', 'pack animals' will give you a mental image of what it was like! It was awful! I got into work after 9.30, completely flustered! Had to keep chanting to myself "Today is going to be a GOOD day!"

So I need to leave home a bit earlier - probably around 6.30am. I've been waking up at 6.00am, but it takes me an hour to get ready. So will have to change that to 5.30am if I stand a chance of getting into work by 9.00am! 

The good thing about the commute though is that I have enough time to read! So will enrich my mind in the process!

Spirit willing... Flesh weak!

I've spent hours searching through the Internet for Street Dance classes.  These dance schools are NOT serious. One school was charging almost £20 per lesson!!! Now, I've been to a street dance class before, and the most you learn within that 1 and half hours is like 8, maybe 10 steps in a dance routine! That's it! Justify £20 for that! 

I've found one that is cheaper, charges £6 per lesson, which is on a pay-as-you-go basis. So if I can't make a class, I won't lose out on the money. There is the option of working towards a performance (which I really liked). And they are based in North London - nearer to my home. I've taken Salsa classes with them before which I enjoyed, so will be interesting to see how they do the Street dance classes. I start in February.

However, my knees, legs have started playing up again. In a bid to get fitter for the classes, I've been doing some power-walking, and my legs afterwards have been in agony. If walking can do that.... then I don't know how I will cope with strenuous dance routines. The pain is not continuous but comes in sharp jolts, that completely immobilise me for about 30 seconds. The more I exert myself, the more regular the occurence. So there's a connection. I've been to the GP, osteopath and even asked people at church to pray for me, but because I've been unable to pinpoint the pain at the time (sod's law) it's been a waste of time. 

A part of me is saying "Life's too short, just go dance until you can't anymore"

Another part is saying 'You might make things worse, then you won't be able to even walk anymore" 

I remember a woman once told me that she couldn't ride horses anymore because her bones had become too brittle with age and couldn't take it. I felt really sorry for her, because clearly she loved riding. But heck, I'm 33 - so in the prime of my life. If I am to suffer a (little??) pain in my legs as a result of pursuing something I love, then I'll do just that!

Dance

As I was watching Step Up 2 tonight, especially those spectacular choreographed sequences at the end, I indulged myself in a little nostalgia

I've always danced! When we were kids my dad used to play records from his Zaire/Lingala music collection and get us to compete. We'd dance our little hearts out to win the 100 shs prize (worth 80p now, but those days it was worth much more) 

The first dance video I saw was 'Thriller'. I paused, rewound and played it in slow motion until I'd memorized ALL the moves. Other influences were Five Star, Janet Jackson, Paula Abdul, Bobby Brown, MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice (I'm betraying my age... but...yes I'm an 80's child!!) I LOVED all the dance films like Breakdance 1 & 2, Dirty Dancing, Footloose

Secondary boarding school provided the platform for lots of Ugandan kids to showcase our dancing skills. I took part in all talent shows within and outside school. That whole Step Up stuff, the music, dance crews, that was us!!!  So when I got 'saved' as a teenager, it was really tough because as a 'Saved-ee', I was expected to abstain from listening to secular music and going to discos. However, Christian music didn't (and still doesn't really) do it for me. I must confess I sneaked away from time to time - aided and abetted by best friend Eddie who

a) wasn't a Saved-ee 

b) thought I was the only person who could party as hard as he could (I was better but....)

Fast forward to Uni...

Joined a band ' Prim and Propa' as backing singer and dancer, befriended all top club DJ's in Kampala and PARTIED hard  as you do at University (almost flunked out my first year exams!!!)

In my second year, I joined my church choir, and in a desire to pursue a 'Holy' lifestyle resigned from Prim and Propa and gave up partying.  Around this time, my friend Milly created and invited me to join 'The Gospel Dancers'  - the name speaks for itself really. We danced at church, and at weddings. Although the music and choreography were heavily censored- this kept me sane until I left Uganda

Being in London, (far away from Kampala where everyone knows your business) somewhat freed me to start listening to chart music again. I was still restricted because I only had Christian friends who, apart from dancing in church, were not really into the clubbing scene. Clubs were generally frowned upon as they were evil places, 'meat' markets, full of drugs, sex 

I got my 'dance fix' instead through aerobics, street dance and salsa classes at the local dance studio. But I still missed the bright lights, atmosphere, pulsating bass line....

Then when we got to 30 years, Eddie died. 

This has been the most traumatic event and a real turning point for me. It took the loss of a close friend to realise that life is just too short to live by society's expectations. I started doing what I LOVED, like expanding my social circles beyond the Church; backpacking for 3 months, watching Musicals and dancing! 

Being a sort of exhibitionist, I naturally want to get back into performance mode. I'm not as fit as I used to be, but if Madonna and Cher can do it, there's nothing to stop me from getting back on form. I've found a way I can do this in church - but this post is getting too long to include that here... plus it's past midnight and I'm sleepy now...so it will have to wait until the next one.

2009

My friend Tiago has 15 New Year resolutions. 

As I listened to him reel them off over hot chocolate I hoped desperately that he wouldn't ask me the dreaded question, but he did, 

"What about you?" 

"I haven't made any... I kind of make it up as I go along" 

His face registered disappointment... for some reason the kid looks up to me. Good... now he realises that this 'paragon' has feet of clay!

Sounds lame, but really... I don't have any official ANNUAL resolutions. I've made small plans that are not as life altering as his

1) Get costumes for January and February fancy dress parties. February is sorted - sexy swinging sixties mini dress. Now all I need is get one for the Japanese themed Harajuku party on 30 Jan.

2) Pass my Internal Auditor exams which are part of my new job - Yati has warned that I will have to sacrifice my social life (Gasp... cannot begin to even comprehend this...)

3) NOT go on a diet!

4) Attend any free dance classes available- starting with the Samba ones at Guanabara

5) Snog Michael...

I suppose, being a Christian and what not, I really should include a 'Christian' Resolution in the mix. Our first sermon of the year was about the cost of being a Christian and what it means to share in the death of Jesus. 

I don't want to be a martyr.WHAT I REALLY WANT is to challenge and dispel stereotypes that non-Christians (and lets be honest... some Christians) have of the Christian God. For a long time I've been thinking that if people truly UNDERSTOOD the nature of God, which is LOVE, they would not reject Him. Instead, what they  DO reject is the image that we as a Church have presented to them. Which on the whole is not good!

At the moment there are posters on London Buses that say, 'There is probably no God, So now you can get on and enjoy your life' - which proves my point really about how the world perceives God - as a big gigantic kill joy and taskmaster. 

Jesus said that He came to give us abundant life - would anyone in their right mind reject THAT??

Believe it or not, there are some of us Christians whose description of abundant life is not sour faced, petty, guilt driven, fearful life that seems to be the prevailing message coming from the pulpit.

The only way I can communicate the abundant Christian life is to LIVE it. To WALK THE WALK, because the people I meet are tired of TALK! 

Of course, there is hardship and suffering. But I hope that I do not respond to it in a fake 'Christian' I can handle this, because God is in control way, and instead learn how to give full rein to the appropriate human emotions for that moment, acknowledging that the only thing that keeps me from total despair is my faith in a God loves me, has my best interests at heart and will pull me out of this hole.

So that's my Christian resolution - which I can't strictly call a New Year Resolution, because it wasn't just made on the 1st of January. It's been there all along, since my rebirth.

Christmas

My custom is to invite single friends to my home for Christmas lunch. This year I thought I’d take a back seat. Ann Marie mentioned that she was organising Christmas lunch for people in church who were on their own. Originally she expected about 20 people, but in the end about 85 signed up – clearly there was a need for it! A collection was taken up in church to raise funds for the dinner and a chef volunteered his services. Ann Marie also organised a Secret Santa, where church members picked up tags, with a brief description of each guest, from the back of the church and bought for them a present worth up to £5.

The meal was of a high standard! I was placed on a table with a family from Borneo, and it was lovely getting to know them. We had a table of homeless guys next to us that Ann Marie had made friends with on Barnet streets, and I got talking to them too. They had to leave early though because they were desperate for a drink. John Coles, one of the vicars dressed up as Father Christmas, and dished out the Secret Santa presents. I got a Van Gough writing set. And then while his 3 children provided musical entertainment, a guest magician, Chris, moved around the tables performing the most amazing party tricks. It was a really good day.

On Boxing Day and on the 29th, I volunteered at one of the Crisis Christmas Homeless Shelters. We had a fairly decent building this time – didn’t smell of damp and was adequately heated. There were more advisors and Samaritans this year than in previous years. They put the homeless in touch with social services and agencies who help them out of homelessness in the year. We had skilled volunteers like doctors, dentists, opticians, entertainers, hairdressers, masseurs, manicurists etc. I always go as a general volunteer where you do odd jobs and mingle with the guests, but wish I had a practical skill to help out with next year. Maybe that could be my New Years Resolution?
Unfortunately, the shelter was full, and we had to turn away some people at the door. Consequently none of us general volunteers relished front gate duty. It was not pleasant as the people we turned away were understandably angry and called us names- but there was nothing else we could do – Fire Safety officers would have shut us down and then every one would have been out on the streets.
There were a few familiar faces from previous years – guests and volunteers. I am always struck by the fact that how normal these guys are and that ANYONE can be homeless. It is just by the grace of God that I am not. A group of Eritreans’, who didn’t speak much English, were pretty much on their own due to language barrier. I sat at a table with one of them, Berhane, and while trying to communicate, it came up that Eritrea had once been an Italian colony, and he spoke a bit of Italian. WELL…my Italian lessons FINALLY came in handy and even though we spoke in simple sentences and in pidgin Italian, we had a decent conversation. One of the other volunteers overheard us talking and joined in- speaking rapid Italian. Berhane frowned and said he understood me, and not the Italian!
The 29th was emotionally difficult because it was the last day the shelter was open. The weather for New Years Eve is predicted to be -5º, and to think that people whose names and faces I know will be out in that, my heart aches! I wish we could do more. The shift leaders assured us that they try to do as much as they can to help these guys. I just wish we could do more!
So that was my Christmas!