The ‘stigma’ of loneliness!
Last house group meeting, Martin (whom I still dislike) admitted that most of the times he feels alone. It takes a lot of guts to admit this – especially to our House Group. The English are uncomfortable with sharing personal feelings. Many times, I’ve shared about my struggles or illustrated something using a personal example– only to be greeted with awkward silence. I’ve learnt since then to watch what I say, and to use ‘hypothetical’ explanations – they go down better
I found an interesting article on the Internet, Loneliness: Bane of the Christian Single by Dr. Ken Matto. My initial reaction to it was that of indignation! How dare he judge me! However, the more I read it, the more I ‘saw myself’ in it.
Take his ‘Symptoms’ of Loneliness for instance, I am intimidated by quietness – when I come home in the evenings, the first thing I do is turn on the TV to provide some background noise. My life is extremely busy – I try to have something on every evening. I stay late at work (until the cleaners kick me out) because I cannot bear the thought of returning to an empty house. Weekends, especially long Bank Holiday weekends like Easter and Christmas, are torture! I fill my life with endless distraction; by taking courses I don’t really need, losing myself in the world of TV, cinema, and books just to fill the void!
The fact is that I’m not very good at being alone. I come from a large family- immediate and extended – and am accustomed to having loads of people around! In school and church I was always part of the in-crowd or a clique! At church, I was very popular – earning the nickname of “Mayor” because everyone knew me by name and wanted to hang out.
Then I came to London and went from being a ‘Somebody’ to a ‘Nobody’! Friends and family from home still wrote, but as time went by, good intentions and letters dwindled to a mere trickle. I discovered the artificial world of Internet chat rooms-and got involved in this for a while – but this is no substitute for the real thing!
It took a while to build up a new network of friends. I guess I had the advantage of youth – so most of my friends were University students or fresh graduates. We had plenty of time to meet up regularly, and to use a cliché from a famous London church – ‘Do life together!’
It’s all changed now! We got jobs and other commitments that moved us away from church and ultimately each other. Most of the circle have since returned to their home countries, or got married, have children. Contact is few and far between… conversations stilted!
I feel lonely!
To forget, some people turn to alcohol, drugs… I turn to chocolate and nostalgia! Looking through my music collection, you'll find loads of ‘Eighties’ music, Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, Queen Latifah – a throwback to the times when I was happy! I’ve volunteered to work in the youth ministry at church, not because I have a heart for “Yuff”. Perhaps I am under the illusion that I will recapture the friendships I once had at that age. Of course it doesn’t work – they’ve got their own lives, interests and music. Why would they want to hang out with a 30-year-old woman?
At this point, I know some well-meaning friends and family (yes you Kemi) are itching to come out with the usual clichés like God will never leave me nor forsake me!
I know all that! Emotions are funny things! They cloud our judgement and prevent us from seeing the facts! I’m not really looking for a response or seeking advice. I guess I just want your sympathy, a listening ear! Perhaps there are some reading this article who can identify with me – I’d love to hear how you dealt with this area in your own life. There just might be a few lessons there.
We soldier on!
