Pay slip came today...

... I worked out how much I'd have left over after I'd paid the bills.
Not a lot.
As I gnawed my pen anxiously, the words I spoke at last nights' Baptism service returned to mock me,
Do you believe and trust in God the Father, source of all being and life, the one for whom we exist?
I believe and trust in him
I could choose to walk around with a long face, in hopeless despair -a victim - even though I am responsible for this, relying on the false security of credit cards... a foolish thing to do in today's recession.
If only I'd lived within my means...
But what's done is done!
All this pre-occupation with 'M' seems so stupid now.

Need focusses us.

As I always say, it would be nice if the Christian life came with a guarantee that we would not experience pain, hurt, rejection, sickness, need... but I believe God would be an irresponsible parent if he insulated us from these things. Why do we expend so much energy running away from 'bad things'? So much so that we fail to see the other side of the coin. That 'bad things' can also act as a catalyst for change, an opportunity for growth... Isn't 'necessity the mother of all invention'??
My need is forcing me to confront the deep questions I've been avoiding like,
"Is my Christian walk merely lip service? Do I really believe and trust God to look after my best interests?"

So I choose to embrace this opportunity. In a weird way, I am looking forward to this coming year with excitement.
Perhaps I will experience my own personal manna, quail and water-from-rock incidents. (I've been listening to Exodus)

Jesus did say,
So don't worry about these things, saying "What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear? These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously and he will give you everything you need
So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today (Matthew 6: 31 - 34 NLT)

AMEN

Conversation skills

I've been reading a book by Leil Lowndes called 'How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks For Big Success In Relationships'

I particularly need it because even though I can start conversations, for some reason I can't seem to sustain them. I guess due to my legal training, I have a tendency to ask 'closed' questions a.k.a. cross examination style. But even when I make an effort to ask 'open' questions and really listen to the answers, the conversation still fall flat. I end up desperately filling the gaps with something 'interesting' about myself. When their eyes start to glaze over, I realise... oops... I've lost them!!

It's ok when I talk to naturally talkative people - no problem there. It just feels like everyone else is hard work.

The book gives little tips that I have started to put into practice. For example, there was a chapter on 'parrotting' - repeating the last thing a person said. I didn't think it could work until I tried it out on someone who traditionally isn't very forthcoming in his conversation

Me: "What did you do last weekend?"

Him; "Last SaturdayI went to the gym."

I parrotted, "The gym?"

Him: "Yeah, the gym. I like to go for about an hour, do a bit of cardio and then weights"

Me (thinking, hey this parrotting thing really works, he's never said a sentence that long to me before) "Cardio?"

Him: "Yeah, I run on the treadmill for a bit, then the cross trainer"

Me: "Cross trainer?"

Him: "Yeah the cross trainer, it really gets my heart going..."

Okay don't over use the 'parrotting' thing because it gets tideous after a while, but it really does work. There are other communication techniques in the book, but can't reproduce them all here or I'll be accused of breaching copyright.

Good conversation skills, like all things, have to be worked at. My new team is male dominated, so conversation topics revolve around football, rugby and geeky stuff - something I don't know much of. The few women talk about TV soaps and their children. Again, something I don't find terribly interesting. As such I can't really join in, and I am beginning to feel ever so slightly isolated? I could be imagining things, but I would really like to be the kind of person they want to talk to, invite out to lunch or drinks after work (been here 2 months and not even one invite...)

Lowndes says that even though you don't know much about a topic, you can still have a conversation about it. You don't have to be an expert in the field, but just know enough to ask the right questions and understand the jargon. To do this, she suggests that when you buy a newspaper, don't go straight to the section that you like (for me it's 'The Ridiculant, Travel section, Cartoon strip and Sudoku in Metro). Instead read something that you wouldn't normally read (that would be the Sports section) for a few weeks. I've tried this for the last week. It's really difficult. Who are these people? In football there is the Premier League, Champions League, UEFA cup. How do you keep up with all these games, and the names of the teams and it's members? And then keeping up with rugby and cricket?? Ai yai yai! It's just so boring!!! So and so kicked the ball, and so and so got sent off the field! Oh yeah.. REALLY INTERESTING! (note the sarcasm here)

But, if this is going to help me fit in to the team, I'll go for it! At least for another few weeks.

Next I'll have to start reading TV Soap magazine so that I can at least know the names of the characters in the soaps.

Pets vs children

I saw this the other day on Facebook and it made me chuckle! So I decided to send it to my friend Emily who is the only friend I can think of who would appreciate the humour. She found it hilarious, although commented

'... the only problem with pets u need to sort them out before you go on holiday!!!'  

Rich and crying about it??

Okay, I don't really know what set off the tears during the sermon at church this morning. 

It was based on James 5: 1-6, about RICH people. The preacher spent a lot of time defining what 'rich' meant in today's context, and came to the conclusion that compared to those poor sods in Africa, everyone in St B's that morning was rich. 

Did you know that according to the Global rich list, I am the 56,418,582nd richest person in the world.

I'm in the top 1%! 

You want to know what your position is on the rich list? Check out, http://www.globalrichlist.com

But I digress, this blog is not about how rich I am. 

The point is, I started crying and I just don't know why! Having grown up in a middle class estate, which was bordered by a squalor/slum, I do not doubt just how rich I am. Man, those people were so poor, it makes the homeless in London seem rich by comparison. I guess you'd say I'm pretty numb to poverty, in the way that most of us of these days are numb to violence. When you are exposed to too much of anything, you begin to accept it as normal. Those videos of kids with big eyes, flies buzzing around their snot nosed faces?? Yep, you know what I'm talking about... don't move me at all. So that can't have been the reason for me crying

 

What makes it so puzzling is that things were going great this morning. A few issues on the sound desk which I sorted out successfully. 'M's dad gave me a big hug when he came in to church first thing this morning.  And then his mom came up to me THREE separate times just to say that she loved me! "I just want to tell you that" 

They are just great. 

Then M ignored me, and that added to the moroseness.  Does he know? Does he suspect that I like him? Is he avoiding me? 

After service, I ran out of the church and WALKED about 3 miles to Southgate! Crying all the way there - deep wracking sobs which drew strange looks from fellow pedestrians. The devil rode on my shoulder, filling my mind with depressive thoughts. I thought I would never have to deal with these again but they have a funny way of reappearing when I'm feeling vulnerable. Finally, feet aching, I popped into ASDA and bought myself some chocolate and suddenly the world seemed a better place.

See? This is what I DON'T want to happen! 

F*ck men! 

Time to start rebuilding those walls!! (sigh)

Just a thought

One of my ‘hell bound heathen’ (her words not mine…hopefully one day we’ll change that around) friends recounted an experience she had in church. Her parents had forced her to attend the Christmas service. The preacher must have preached from Isaiah 11:6 where it says: -

In that day the wolf and the lamb will live together; the leopard will lie down with the baby goat. The calf and the yearling will be safe with the lion, and a little child will lead them all (NLT

This started off a train of thoughts which distracted her from the rest of the sermon. You mean these carnivorous animals won’t do what carnivorous animals do – which is hunt, kill and eat meat??... Especially when said meat is lying so trustfully within paws reach?? What kind of heaven would that be for them?

What about us? I mean, I do like a bit of meat - lamb being one of my favourites. Will I be forced to go vegetarian? Or worse still... eat meat substitute?

Or am I just missing the whole point of the verse?

Deceitful heart

Just as I was feeling a bit smug about mastering this whole ‘singleness’ thing, M has somehow wormed his way into my affections.
He isn’t really my ‘type’. Physically he is tall and skinny; is too quiet, is 7 years younger and at the moment doesn’t even know what he wants to do with his life!

("What? He is still finding himself??? Forget it!” my friend Emily advised)

But there’s something about him.
I remember the first time we talked. I was hovering around after the 11.30 am church service, wanting to talk to anybody, and not knowing where or how to start. There are lots of little cliques at church. My age group (early 30’s) who attend this service usually rush off home with their families for Sunday lunch etc. The cliques are mainly in their early 20’s, have grown up together and really don’t have time or anything in common with an old foggy like me. To my surprise he came up to me and instead of engaging in a discussion about tech or worship team we actually had a normal conversation. This made an impression. I’ve seen him doing this with other people at parties, church, so no – it was nothing special.

Our friendship has grown over the course of the year. As I said, he is pretty quiet and does not volunteer much info, which is quite frustrating because I prefer to be the quiet one. I love the sound of his voice. He’s beginning to relax around me; the range of conversation topics has expanded. He’s telling jokes, even teases me a bit. I’m also finding out fun things that he does in his non- church time. You know what they say about the ‘quiet ones?’

I must admit that part of my attraction to M, stems from the profound respect I have for his parents. They often give me lifts home and invite me over to their home for meals. His father in particular is such a positive, role model as a Christian father and husband. I’ve always assumed that children learn character and relational values from their parents. And so the logical conclusion is that M would somehow be similar to his dad?

He is also from dwindling pool of ‘available’ guys at church

M is quite secure in the knowledge that he rates higher than the average guy in my affections. Despite my efforts not to come across that way, he probably views me as an older sister. I’m deliberately not reading anything into his behaviour, although there is a strong temptation to do so. Having been around men, I know how irritating and bewildering it can be for them when a woman reads more into their actions than they intended! We women just have this tendency to do so. In fact, Solomon warns in chapter 2:7 and again in chapter 8:4 of his famous book, Song of Songs,
Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases

It’s so easy to feed the crushes, build up little fantasies in our mind, falling in love with the idea of love itself.

I will shush my heart and put to death the awakening desires of this deceitful heart!

Discipline

When my trousers wouldn’t zip up this morning - I finally accepted that I needed to stop living in denial! At the rate that I am consuming alcohol and carby foods (I am NOT really into fruits and vegetables at this time of the year). I don’t know why I assumed that 30 minutes swimming just 3 times a week was sufficient exercise. Self deception! Or as the Italians say "Roba da matti!" (Sheer Madness!!!) .
I need discipline!

I've been re-reading ‘A Road Less Travelled’ by the late American psychiatrist, S. Peck.
In the first section of this book, he talks a lot about discipline as the basis for spiritual, emotional and psychological growth and development. This is expressed in the forms of delayed gratification, accepting responsibility for oneself and ones actions, a dedication to truth, and balancing. Reading this made me realise that this quality is sadly lacking in my life. I would love to wave a magic wand over my life and get INSTANT discipline. In fact, I prefer this 'magic wand approach. In Galations 5:22 - 23, self-discipline or self control is listed as one of the fruits of the Spirit - Fruit is automatically produced, innit?
Perhaps I've got my theology wrong.

In real life qualities like discipline are like muscles - the more you exercise them, the stronger they will grow.

In his book, Peck uses brushing teeth every day as an example. As a child it took a lot of coaxing, cajoling, even threats from my parents to get me into the habit. Now I do it effortlessly, without thinking, and I have reaped the benefits of having fresh breath and a dazzling smile.

The process of discipline involves some effort on our part, a willingness to embrace some degree of suffering - not to avoid it.

As we are now in the season of Lent, the focus in church has now shifted to the discipline of fasting. Perhaps this is a good way to kickstart exercising our 'discipline-muscle'. The benefits of stronger discipline would spill over into every areas of our lives- bible reading, praying, loving people.
A note of caution however, there is a danger of exercising discipline unlovingly, selfishly. All that we do must be in the context of love of God and of others, otherwise we would only create monsters of ourselves. We also, must recognise that sometimes we will fail, and the important thing is to learn lessons from that failure and try again!

Rubbing Shoulders....

There are very few of us ‘Blacks’ who volunteer at Crisis Christmas so you can’t help but notice each other. However, he was more than just your average black guy. Despite dressing down, he couldn’t hide that refined look and an air of authority about him. As most Crisis volunteers work in pairs; I tried to wrangle my way into working with him, but my efforts were frustrated as others beat me to the punch. Throughout the day, I looked for opportunities to sidle up to him while we mucked out and went about our general volunteer duties. In the end I gave up and went into the common room to mingle with the guests

So it was to my extreme pleasure, that he joined my table. The guests were called away to do something, which left just the two of us. His name was Trev. He asked why I was volunteering. Because I had empathy with the homeless, having experienced it when I first came to London 10 years ago. What about you? “I’ve always wanted to come but have been really busy. I finally got the opportunity to do so this year”
On hindsight, I realise that he didn’t really say a lot about himself, apart from the fact that he travelled a lot for work, spoke French and played the saxophone – general stuff. I only understood why he was not so forthcoming when reading the newspaper a few weeks later I learnt who he really was...


Trevor Philips – Chair of the Commission for Racial Equality