Frustrated!

Yesterday I broke down at my fortnightly Oasis prayer meeting. The whole evening, tears had been welling up in my eyes, and I’d been chiding myself with a phrase my mother uses often

“Everyone has problems. No one wants to hear about your problems. So brace yourself and just get on with your life”

When it came to my turn to share my prayer requests, I couldn’t speak, and sat there sobbing.
I just feel overwhelmed with life. I am the author of my own misery because I keep putting off doing things that I need to do and now life feels like a huge tray marked “Urgent, pending”. The pile keeps growing and growing!

There are all these things that need doing around the house. My car has started making this strange sound in the engine whenever I turn the wheel. My friend has assured me that a vital element in the engine has worn away, and replacing it will cost more than the value of the car. I need to get some spare parts from scrap yard, but too scared to go there on my own. My flat needs a lot of essential repair work – replacing extractor fans, cooker and storage heaters. I don’t feel confident enough to deal with tradesmen, especially after I was ripped off by the guy who tiled my bathroom floor last year (he was recommended by a friend!!!) There are some accessories that need putting up in the bathroom, and I don’t have a drill that can do the work. Even if I did, I wouldn’t know how to do it because it involves drilling through the tiled wall.

In Uganda, there were always the guys from church or my mom would find and deal with the tradesmen for me. In England, it isn’t as easy to ask for help. I’m not comfortable asking the guys in my home group- we jsut don't have that kind of relationship. My brother isn’t particularly helpful and has a busy life. I’d have to nag him to do anything, and don’t really feel comfortable nagging, especially as beggars can’t be choosers.

So I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and alone!

Sexy Mama's!!!

Towards the end of last year, Yati and I impulsively signed up for burlesque dance classes.

A few days later, I was horrified when I overheard Yati trying to explain what burlesque was to a few members of my Barnabas Home Group. I deliberately had not told them about it (for obvious reasons). Martin didn’t even know what ‘burlesque’ meant (Probably pretending?) and wanted a demonstration.
Yati…“It’s kind of like ball room dancing, Latin style, that kind of thing…”
“Ohhhh!”
Hmm!
When I tell other people about my interest in burlesque (you know the ones who aren’t so holy), their first question is,
“Like Dita Von Teese?” (one of the most famous Modern Burlesque dancers)
“Urm… nooo… I was thinking more like PussyCat Dolls”
Okay PCD aren’t strictly burlesque, but they used to be- before they became world famous. And they look so sexy. I can just see myself doing that.
I just love the costumes, the confidence, femininity ( did I spell that right?)

Anyway went along to our first class last Monday. There were about 20 of us there so didn’t feel too daunting. Sharon, our instructor, had sent us an email beforehand telling us what to wear - any top and shorts . Or you could wear hot pants with a skirt, high heels… Yati wore hot pants, shorts AND a skirt. I just got some shorts.
In the class we practiced the sexy walk with Attitude, hip thrusts, shimmying, working the boa (lovingly through your fingers...) dancing with large ostrich feather fans (strippers use these to tease and open up to reveal), sitting sexily on a chair, steamy facial expressions. I felt a bit silly but damn I looked sexy!
Next week we will be learning how to take our stockings off in 4 different ways. And Sharon has asked us to wear opera gloves – don’t know what we’ll be doing with those. And in the last 10 minutes of the class, we’ll be learning how to swing tassels from our boobs.
“Some of you are shy and may not want to get all your kit off, so you can stick them over your bra”
Yati and I looked at each other. That would be us then.

I am really excited about the Pole dancing which commences in week 4.

Soon we’ll be ‘strutting our stuff’ like the PussyCat Dolls!
Doncha!!!

Weaknesses

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:7 - 10 NIV)

Yesterday the negative side of my melancholic personality took over. I occasionally have dark spells, and this time, rather than inflict it on my work colleagues; I thought I’d take the day off as Annual Leave, stay at home and feel sorry for myself.
I cried…read my bible, played my guitar...had breakfast… cried…prayed to God…cried… listened to Joyce Meyer’s ‘Confidence, Freedom To Be Yourself’ teaching series on CD…laughed…and then cried! In a frenzy, I de-junked, cleaned, vacuumed and polished my flat. Went out to the library and borrowed ‘Miss Potter’…watched it and…you guessed it… CRIED! At this point, the English would say in their typically dry fashion

“So a lot of crying then?”

A friend called and this really lifted my spirits. I felt loved again.

The day really brought me a revelation… or rather it highlighted one of my major weaknesses.

I am an extremely NEEDY person- constantly in need of reassurance, or for a sense of belonging. One of my Love languages according to Dr Gary Chapmans’ Five Love Languages is Quality time which means that I feel loved when people choose to spend time with me, invite me to events, call or email, include me in their lives…
When I don’t get this, my initial reaction is to interprete it as rejection. To protect myself, I withdraw from relationship with those who I think do not love me anymore.

I know… totally irrational!

Of course I recognise that people can’t always be there for me in the way that I want them to. The 'weight of expectation' can be overly demanding and will drive (and has driven) close friends away. People have different ways of expressing love and I acknowledge that… in my head.

I think it's important to recognise and accept your weaknesses, not live in secret frustration and self deception. We should be like participants of Alcoholics Anonymous who at their meetings introduce themselves as "Alcoholics". The first step in dealing with a problem is to acknowledge that you have it.

Whenever I feel rejected, I go into a kind of mourning period and say before God that, "Right now I am hurt, I feel unloved. I know this is not true, but this is how I feel"
I allow His Holy Spirit to reason with me, until what I know in my head translates into my heart. I'd like to say that this all happens in a short space of time. Sometimes it can take days, months, years...

I used to pray for God to take away my weaknesses , and would sing along with that Hillsong song

"Lord I've come to know, the weaknesses I see in me will be stripped away by the Power of Your Love"

But will He strip them away in this lifetime? That would be GREAT! Marvelous, Fantastic even! But I don't think God will take away our weaknesses while we are here on earth. So we need to stop beating ourselves up about them. These flaws are in-built and are a reminder of our human fallibility. Everytime we come face to face with our weaknesses, let it be our cue to draw closer to God

Praise be to God for His wonderful grace and whose strength is made perfect in our weakness.

New Years Eve!

Excitement at the beginning of the evening!! In my Arabian Nights (Princess Jasmine) costume and Cher wig

This was taken after cocktail number 2 and again!

Yati beginning to nod off after Cocktail number 3

What is this? What is this? It's not even midnight!!!

So here's the person I saw in the New Year with! Asleep at a quarter to 12!!!

Happy New Year Everybody!

Reviewing 2007

One of my 2007 resolutions was to make my relationship with God a priority

I signed up for an intense counselling/prayer 12 week programme at my church called Oasis which, according to the label, helps identify and deal with areas that are preventing me from having a close relationship with God. It is a very emotional process, characterised by a lot of tears, painful memories and repentance. I realised that I had a distorted image of God as Father, based on my relationship with my earthly father, and did not really trust Him. Being a person who sees everything in ‘black and white’ it is difficult for me to have a balanced perspective of God. He loves me profoundly, but this means that He loves me too much to leave me unchanged and in bondage to sin. This ‘tough love’ aspect terrified me and resulted in me spending less time in personal prayer or even reading the Bible, lest He highlighted yet another thing I had to change or do. I just thought I was never good enough, so full of sin and bad habits, and if I listened to God I would receive endless criticism of the “why-can’t-you-be-like-so-and-so” variety. So I dealt with it by avoiding Him. Even as I type this, I get emotional, a sure indicator that I haven’t been fully set free in this area
Another issue was my physical appearance. All my female relatives are feminine and beautiful and for a long time I felt plain and ugly in comparison. Through the Oasis programme, I’ve changed the way I view myself.

I am beautiful.

Oh some times I revert and feel intimidated by beautiful women, but I’ve learnt how to recognise that they just have a different kind of beauty to mine. After all, a rose looks different from a tulip or a dahlia, but they are all beautiful flowers! I never thought I’d say that about myself. And this confidence has translated into the way I carry myself, dress or exercise and interact with people.

This was going to be a post about my New Years resolutions, but it’s become too long, so I’ll save that for the next

Beloved

I woke up at 4.00am with a prompting to just spend time with God. Not praying or interceding for anyone… just chilling. I opened my NIV Bible to Hosea 2 - verses 14 and 16 leapt out at me,

"...Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her…

…In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master’… "

The word “My Beloved” kept coming to me and I just knew it applied to me. I was reminded of a song we used to sing in church based on Song of Solomon 2:16

“I am my Beloved’s and He is mine”

O praise be to You, Lover of my soul!

Christmas!

Well... it's been a long day, it's 2.30 a.m. and my last guest has just departed. Feeling too lazy to wash up all the pots and pans in the sink. Will do them tomorrow morning...or night...

On Christmas Eve I went to my church's midnight carol service. It was beautiful! The church was lit only by candles and the singing was amazing.

Back home, I slept fitfully because I was worried that my alarm would not go off at 7.00 am resulting in me oversleeping. This would be an unmitigated disaster because I was down for sound mixing at the Christmas morning services. Woke up at 4.00am, checked the alarm clock, dropped off, only to wake up 10 minutes later to check again to make sure I had set it right. See my clock is in 12 hour mode, and I recall once setting it inadvertently for 7.00pm, instead of 7.00 am, and waking up at 10.00am!!!
I prayed to the Holy Spirit to wake me up at the right time. Despite this prayer, I still woke up a couple more times in a panic. O me of little faith. However, I resisted the urge to check the clock saying "Holy Spirit I trust you!"

I got up at 6.55am.

At church, I found out that there was no AV operator to put up the Power Point slides for the first service. This was not good because an AV operator was ESSENTIAL to this service. Modern technology has replaced the books of Common Prayer, such that the liturgy and prayers that the people say together, are all on PowerPoint.
I've never operated the AV before, didn't even know how to switch it on! So I phoned Paul, Tech Team boss, who is in Leeds with his family for Christmas, to talk me through it. Meanwhile, the vicar, Colin, apologised to the congregation for the delay caused by "technical problems". I give him the thumbs up and then... just as he was about to start the service I realised with horror that the slides on the PowerPoint show were not moving, and signalled frantically for him to STOP!! Thankfully, he is a quick thinker so he improvised and asked the faithful to talk amongst themselves while we sorted things out i.e while I made another call to Paul. Resolved it. This time Colin asked the congregation to thank me for doing the AV, drawing their attention to the fact that I was new to this. They clapped for me.

The drama did not end there!

For the second service, we drafted in a congregation member to do the AV. However, 30 minutes before the service, whilst doing the sound check for the band I noticed with horror, that despite them being connected, no sound was coming out of both guitars and lead keyboard. When I phoned Paul, the call went straight to voice mail. Major panic!! Phoned up the other soundman, Dave who is in Cornwall at the moment, for help. Was on the point of totally losing it when...like a ray of light...one of the other experienced sound men, Simon...who hadn't planned on coming to church... appeared beside me! Such relief! He sorted it all out for me, completed the sound check and handed back to me to do the mixing for the service. I burst into tears!!!
Despite all this, the service went well. There were a lot of people praying for me!

Home at 12.30! Cooked a Ugandan traditional meal of matooke (green bananas steamed in banana leaves) with roasted ground nut sauce (satay), Chicken baked in Thai green sauce, rice and chapatis (Indian flat bread). My brother and a couple of friends came over for the lunch and then we played a game called 'Knowing Me, Knowing You'. For once my brother was a good sport, and actually stayed to play. They all left after the game, except Chris who stayed to watch 'Hot Fuzz' and 'Dreamgirls' with me. We then talked till late and now I am exhausted. Going to sleep now!
It was a lovely day

Shakespeares' Globe

Last weekend's date was with Chris. His emails were very cheeky and he suggested an interesting venue for our date–the annual Frost Fair at South Bank. I was really looking forward to meeting him.

I got there a bit earlier and was pleasantly surprised to learn that it was free entry into Shakespeare’s Globe theatre and Museum that day! Now, just had to muster the courage to get past the Anti Shakespeare society that had set up a silent protest outside the main doors. They were holding up placards that said things like, “Just Say No”; “Drugs, Violence and Hard Words”; “Join our Silent Protest”
The Museum is interesting for die hard Shakespeareans. Which I’m not. I was only there because it was free. Would never pay £9 just for that! There’s lots of information about what London looked like back then, what the people wore, how costumes were made, what dyes were used, how long it takes to put on makeup, how the plays were published etc. There were a few actors milling about, dealing ‘Marlow’ plays hidden in the depths of their trench coats. I told the cute ‘Brother’ who sidled up to me, “No, I don’t want Marlow, but can I have your phone number instead? He didn’t give it to me.
I found one interactive display, where you could record yourself doing a scene from a Shakespeare play. Pre- recorded actor’s voices say some lines and then you speak your line which is highlighted in red. It’s a bit like karaoke! I did Lady Macbeth from a scene in Macbeth, just after he’s killed the King. There are some things in life that are easier done when there are two of you, with Yati for instance, but this time there wasn’t and I felt like a right twat speaking in the booth on my own. When I played it back, my voice sounded so feint and it was obvious I should have shouted… by then the next group of people were waiting their turn and I couldn’t bring myself to re-record it in front of them.
The tour of the theatre ends in the actual Globe – the stage etc. It’s not as big as I thought it would be and there is the open sky above it. So if you are one of the unfortunates who cannot afford to pay full price for the covered stall seats, you’d be drenched in our fine English weather. Some guys were playing old music on the stage. This was followed by a comedy sketch that I didn’t ‘get’. I think it was supposed to be funny?

Chris phones to say he has arrived. His real life personality was not as impressive as his online one. A geek. The Rules say that you should let the guy direct the conversation, but he wasn’t giving me anything to work with so our time together was punctuated by long periods of silence. He also didn’t have any other ideas apart from browse through the Frost Fair stalls – all 20 of them, which lasted about 10 minutes. I suggested coffee at nearby Tate Modern. We sat there painfully, even small talk was strained. In the end, I just said, “I have to go. I’m meeting someone else!” The relief on his face was palpable!

I haven't heard from him since! Thank God!

Joe

Internet access this last week has been VERY restricted as I have been working away from the office. I’ve got to be the only blogger in the world that does not have unlimited access to the Internet. Still it isn’t all bad as I use computers at our local library. As a member you get the first hour free. The downside to using the library is that the connection is VERY slow- I think they are still on dial-up or something. Also I have to use it during peak periods i.e. after work along with all the other poor people who don’t have computers at home. Access at these times is limited to 15 or 30 minutes if you are lucky.

The work computer is ok, but I only let myself access it for 10 minutes every hour. If the smokers can be allowed to go outside regularly to indulge their habit, well then so can I! Unfortunately, access is also restricted and I can’t get into any of the dating websites or Facebook. So at lunch time I trudge down to nearby Internet café, where I can access emails from the many admirers on Dating Direct, and write on people’s ‘Walls’.

Last Thursday I met up with an Italian guy, called Joe, for coffee. We met through the meet up group ‘Club Roma’ – an Italian speakers group – in the days when I was still enthusiastic about learning Italian (that’s kind of fallen by the wayside now) Anywhooooo… Joe emailed the whole group to say that he couldn’t make our Saturday meet-ups, but was available to meet during the week and on Sundays. I thought that he had emailed me and we started an email correspondence. I later realised that he hadn’t singled me out, and embarrassed, stopped writing. A month later, I received an email from him asking whether I was still alive and would I like to meet up to watch an Italian movie? I sent back a pleasant email, but didn’t comment about the movie. Then another email… Would I like to meet up for coffee? Why not? So yes, agreed to that.

Joe is very intriguing, and he tells his story here Joe Palermo

But for those of you too lazy to click on links, in summary, he’s been through a lot of experiences, and is your typical ‘bad boy’! An unusual character that was definitely worth meeting!!! I must admit I was a bit apprehensive, but when I finally met him, I realised that I was just being silly. He’s one of the easiest guys to talk to and it felt really comfortable sitting al fresco, sipping my Americano, listening to him talk about himself, career and his life. He was very relaxed and un-self conscious… Reminded me very much of my high school best friend, Doreen, who was always full of wacky ideas and not afraid to take risks to pursue her dreams in the media. I admired her a great deal. Talking to Joe, I thought to myself, this guy could well be my best friend. I mean, Simon, is supposed to be my ‘honorary’ best friend, but ever since he got married he’s become quite distant. Which in all fairness he should because it is not really appropriate to have a female ‘best friend’ who isn’t your wife, is it?
So the position of male best friend is vacant, and I just may have found the person to fill it!

Questioning the Rules

Yati and I were discussing the Rules the other day. They only seem to work when you are not interested in a guy. But the moment you like a guy, it is harder to apply the Rules because... you like him. You want to see him often and spend time. You rearrange your schedule to create time for him, rave about him to your friends and focus all your attention on him.
Guys for some reason don’t like this. It puts them off.

I’ve been on a couple of dates with this guy. I had reservations to start with because from his online profile, I established that he was short. I don’t like short men. My ‘type’ is my height or slightly taller. But on the other hand, I thought I should be more open to the possibility of dating men who were physically not ‘my type’ – who knows they might have a great personality. A friend at University, who was quite short, told me that he had to be twice as charming to make up for his deficiency. (And he was very charming)

On the first date, I struggled to hide my disappointment. Not only was he short, but he just did not do it for me physically. He’s got nice brown eyes with lovely long eyelashes and a nicely shaped nose, but that’s where it stops! I don’t like his large ears, lips and weak chin –in side profile it reminds me of a duck. I know that we do not choose how we look, and I probably sound quite shallow focussing on the physical, but surely God would not have put in us certain desires without reason. Physical attraction is an important factor.
Personality wise, I was waiting for the charm, the spark the charisma and it just didn’t happen!!! He babbled on a bit which I put down to nervousness. So I gave him a second chance and agreed to go on another date. It wasn’t any better. Throughout the meal he kept on making references to travelling with ‘someone special’ (meaningful look at me), how much he would like to cook a special meal for me etc. At one point, he cracked an off colour joke about the best meal for two being breakfast. I gave him a blank look. He repeats
“Get that? The best meal for two is breakfast?”
Blank look.
After dinner he praised my ‘wonderful’ qualities and how privileged he felt that I had agreed to go out on a date with him. He declared his attraction and that he would very much like to be in a relationship with me, if I’d have him.
It was really sweet, but… how do you tell a guy, “I think you look like a duck and it does not impress me that you speak with your mouth full, and order the waiters around like they are nobodies”
I told him that I could only be friends... "I don’t really know you, and I do not like to be rushed into decisions!"
To which he jumps in with, “So you are not ruling out anything”
At this point I should have said, “Yes, I am!”, but I took the cowards way and said
“No I’m not. Just don’t put me on the spot about this”
He kept repeating after that
“You are not ruling out anything. I am so happy!”
ARGHHH!!!!

Incidents like this make me wonder, if guys are only attracted to women who are not interested in them, then have all women in relationships just compromised and SETTLED for the guys they are with?

Clubbing in Nottingham and a behind-the-scenes look into marriage

Last weekend, a group of us went up to Nottingham to see Emily and Alistair.
Yati and I had planned to hit the club scene even though everyone else declined saying they would rather stay in for the evening. Our excitement was so catching that at the last minute, Emily decided she was coming too. This prompted a sulky response from husband Alistair who wanted her to stay in with him. Despite protracted awkward, embarrassing scenes and a dirty look from Alistair, we set off for Nottingham City Centre.
Our destination was this massive nightclub called Oceana. It's got 6 Rooms, including 5 bars and 2 nightclubs – one playing House/Dance music and the other R’n B, Ragga and Soul. It is an ‘Over 21’s’ club so there aren’t that many University students which is always nice. The only downside is that the House music room had a strong vomit smell– yuck! So we spent most of the time in the R’n B room. I found the DJ’s quite annoying; with their incessant pausing of the music just to say “Having a good time people?” We would if you just got on with playing the music! Apart from that, there was a nice vibe with loads of hen and stag parties going on. The Pop star act ‘Booty Love’ who sang ‘Boogie Night’ (a song that I LOVE!!!) was going to make a live appearance at around midnight.
When I go clubbing it takes me an hour to get into the groove, to get a feel for the place, so was not impressed when Emily (who had turned almost comatose at this point) asked me “Can we go home now?” WHAT??? Before midnight! Before Booty Love?? You are having a laugh, aren’t you? After the earlier kerfuffle with Alistair, and you want to go home now? If she’d been sober, I would have put her in a cab and sent her home, but she wasn’t. So being a good friend I agreed to leave early... under duress of course.
On the drive back to her place she raved on about how we’d gone CLUBBING YEAH!!! Yati and I looked at each other and I told her “Not for us. That wasn’t even a tip of the ice berg. We’d planned to go on until 3.00am at least. It’s not like as if we go clubbing everyday”
Plus we'd missed Booty Love.
I could have said more to really rub it in but chose not to…ok… I may have made the occasional snide remark...
The next day, Emily told Alistair how she’d messed up the evening, exaggerating so that he could feel justified about his previous evening’s sulking. He even started gloating,

“You see, I know what Emily is like. That’s why I didn’t want her to go in the first place”

Oh really! That’s not what you told us last night!

Urghhh!!!

Interesting insight into marriage though! Not sure I’d put up with a husband who sulked, when he didn’t get his own way, in front of my friends. I don’t care how good the friends are. Some things need to remain between the two of you, you know what I mean?

Overwhelmed with Blessings! A Praise Report

It’s amazing what a difference a week can make!

Last Sunday I was despairing as to how I was going to get through the rest of the year, financially. A family emergency had come up and I’d used up all my money and borrowed some more to pay for it.
One of the people on the ministry team prayed with me at the end of service. I didn’t hear most of what she prayed because I was sobbing, but by the time she'd finished I'd stopped crying and felt calm. In my mind, I know that God takes care of my needs, it just that sometimes this knowledge doesn’t always translate to my emotions.

This is how God has answered the prayer: -

Last Saturday, Yati came back from shopping and handed me a bag, “Kim I got you this”
Inside was a brand new pair of shoes! Just what I needed! The old pair was falling apart and I’d been planning to buy new shoes in December to replace them. However when the emergency came up, I had no option than to put it off until next year! The amazing thing is that Yati didn’t know the full details of my financial crisis, or that I’d even been thinking of replacing my shoes. All she said is that she saw me putting on the old pair on Saturday morning and thought, “Hmm, this girl really needs new shoes!”
Praise the Lord… and Yati!

That’s not all

I'd planned to drive up to Nottingham to visit Emily and Alistair next weekend. They are keen to introduce me to a locum doctor who is working in the same hospital as Emily. He is single, Christian. “Very religious,” they’ve assured me, “He’s even training to be a pastor. He is very keen to meet you."
I phoned to postpone the visit to January, and reluctantly told them the reason why. Alistair insisted that I still had to go and deposited money into my bank account to pay for a full tank of petrol!!

There’s still more to come!!!!

This Sunday at church, the vicar’s wife, Jane, came looking for me after Service. She gave me a Temple Spa Home Spa Collection Gift Set worth £28, to thank me for doing the technical stuff on Women’s Day last weekend! This was so unexpected, I was blown away! Ordinarily I never spend on such luxuries. My toiletries are always quite basic – soap, deodorant and Vaseline. Now I have a pamper set! Sheer bliss! Can't wait to try it out!

And more...

I emailed my sister just to give her an update of what was going on in my life. I mentioned the current financial situation, how Yati had bought me shoes and that I was thankful to God for providing for me. I really wasn’t expecting anything from her. After all, she lives in Africa, has a family and financial commitments. So was taken completely off guard when she asked for my bank details and then transferred a large sum of money- FIVE times more than I need!

EHHH!!! When it rains, it POURS!!!!

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 19 NIV)

And now I am praying that God will open my eyes to see someone in need, whom I can bless out of the abundance of what He has given me!

PMS and tears...

PMS always brings me a craving for carbs and also tears. Lots of them. Irrational, out of proportion tears

They made their appearance at our churchs’ Women’s Day of Grace last weekend. I don’t normally do Women’s Days because the focus tends to be on marriage and children which as a single woman, I can’t relate to. However it was different this time because it was split up into seminars and you could choose which ones you wanted to attend. In addition to the usual marriage, baby, teenage ones, there were talks on Nutrition, Personal styling, Women in leadership, in the workplace etc.
I attended the Dating seminar which was aimed at people in relationships- so strictly not for me (who can’t even get a date). The ‘Flying Solo’ seminar had 4 speakers talking about singleness from different perspectives. One hadn’t dated in four years, two were divorced - one with children and one without . Another speaker had a non-believing husband which can be incredibly lonely. I found that seminar a bit helpful as I recognised that I’d been expending a LOT of energy and resources obsessing about finding ‘Someone’, and maybe that energy is better expended on God. (Which is all well and good, but as I’ve been telling God, it’s cool and everything that He loves me, but I just want to know what it feels like to have someone human love me. A tangible person! Face it, I’m not all spirit…there’s a good chunk of me that is still physical and... ahem... sexual… but that’s another subject…)

Where was I? Oh yes… the tears

So on the Women’s Day, we had a guest musician, Carey Grant, (who really isn’t a guest because she is member of our church who just happens to be a celebrity) She sang 3 songs, and in the last one kept repeating the phrase ‘I want to go Home’. (Funnily enough the song was called Home! Hmm)
It awakened nostalgic thoughts about Uganda and my old friends with whom I truly connected, and how that really isn’t the case in England. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends in London, but they are different… I can’t put a finger to it… it’s just… different.
I really miss Home.
Unbidden tears started running down my face, much to my embarrassment because I was sitting next to soundman Paul and worship pastor, Jo. Instead of being ‘English’ and giving me emotional space, by pretending they hadn’t noticed me crying, Jo leans over and pats me on my back sympathetically. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me!!!
As if that was not enough, on Sunday during service, I started crying again. This time it was because that morning I’d received an urgent text from Uganda. School fees needed or kids would not be allowed to do exams! This meant all the money in my current account and I had to borrow some more. So I’m broke for the rest of the month, and probably next month too because I’ll have to repay the money I borrowed! It all became too much for me.
However, I was in this exact position this time last year, and God saw me through it. If He has done it before, then He’ll definitely do it again! So that crying episode I blame on PMS
Now that the good ol’ Periods have come, the tears have dried up and I am Kim again!
Until next month!

Halloween Fancy Dress Party

I joined the London Fancy Dress Party group in the Summer. I've only been able to attend one other event, which was the Hawaiian Picnic. It was a lot of fun. Nice crowd!

Last weekend was the Halloween Party. It doesn't look like it, but I was really trying to be 'Calypso' from Pirates of the Caribbean. Only difference is that instead of black dots (they didn't show up on my complexion) I had white ones instead. I couldn't find a cheap corset or a mangy dress, so I wore usual clothes. Yati went dressed as a pirate.

We were so excited and took a before picture at home.

These are some of the pictures from the party...

Andy is the organiser of the Fancy Dress Group

This woman, Susie was my favourite person that evening. She is mad!!!This lady won the best costume award for the evening. At first I thought she was Mr Tumnus from Narnia! Yati thought she must be dressed from the Planet of the Apes. She told us indignantly that she was a Werewolf! Ohhhh!!

Shelling Peas...

My brother was interested in a girl whom he visited often, took out on dates. The relationship was undefined and we would ask him what the deal was? Did he like her as more than just a friend? Had he asked her to be his girlfriend? My mother remarked drily that if he was not careful, he would lose her because he was too busy 'shelling peas'! (okutondora enkuku)

The old Kinyoro story goes that a guy who liked a girl, used to hang around her homestead, participating in communal activities like 'shelling peas' and entertaining her family with stories. He eventually came to be accepted as a good friend but never so much as hinted at his true feelings for the girl.
One day a warrior arrived, and with great flourish stuck his spear into the ground in the front courtyard announcing
"I have come for a wife, and this is the girl I want!!!"
The girl married the warrior, and the original guy lost her!

So whenever a guy is vacillating about a particular girl, he is said to be 'shelling peas'

My updated photo on all the dating websites has generated an incredible amount of responses and confirmed that men just look at photos and don't really read through profiles. Ever since I started online dating again, the Rules for Online Dating: Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in Cyberspace by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider have become my Manual!

According to the 'Rules', you should only respond to emails. Replies must be short and breezy. (I'm still trying to get the hang of that). Hopefully the guy will realise that if he wants to know you better he should do so in the real world - not online. If by the 4th email he has not asked for your phone number or out on a date, then he just isn't serious. Delete/Next!
This week, I've been exchanging emails with this guy. A Christian, which makes a pleasant change to the 'atheists' or the 'spiritual' guys who have been contacting me. He's from up North (I have a soft spot for Northerners), has a sense of humour and we appear to have a lot in common.
However, by email no 4 he still had not asked me for my number. I thought to myself, let's give him another chance, broke the 'Rules' and sent him a reply.
Email No 5 came and STILL NOTHING!
It's really tough, but I'm going to have to delete him. That's the fourth guy this month! Sigh!

I want to be pursued and wooed by that warrior who knows what he WANTS and goes for it.
Not some ambiguous 'pea sheller'

Fitness Freak!

Saturday morning I tried out a new circuit training class. This is basically divided up into different work stations and you spend 5 minutes at each of them.
At the boxing post I was assigned this lady. First I held up those glove pads for her to punch. I kid you not, her face looked so scary, and with each punch she landed she would exhale air with a forceful ‘HU-AHH!’ I kept backing away until I was up against the mirror. When it came to my turn, my punches were a bit half hearted. You see, big tall people like me have a tendency to temper our full strength because

1) we are big and tall and
2) If we hit with all our strength we would cause serious damage

The lady started shouting at me,

“Come on!!! You can hit harder than that! Come on! Is that all you’ve got!”

I was glad when the instructor told us to move to the next station. Phew!

The other stations were mainly weights (my arms are still aching), skipping, running up and down, and press ups using a stability ball. I managed to only get in one press up but kept falling over. Apparently, I need to learn how to hold in my abdominal muscles and squeeze my bum tight in order to balance.
We finished off with some abdominal exercises. My boxing partner was really going for the crunches gung-ho style; whereas I would do like 4, collapse on the mat gasping, and only try again when I felt the instructor’s eyes on me. Today my stomach muscles are sore – but the wrong ones –above and below the bulge!!!

Back home as I was flopped on the sofa in exhaustion, the door bell rang. Yati and I looked at each other in surprise – we never get visitors
“Expecting anyone?” “Uh uh”
It was one of our neighbours Selena who’d seen me at the gym and finally found a reason to come over and make friends. We’ve been waving to each other for the last few months, but never introduced ourselves properly. She’ll be coming with me for my Saturday morning class.
I’m so happy that I’ve finally found a gym buddy!
Now I need buddies for my Slimming World and Ceroc dance classes

Idolatry

As a keen reader, I've always had profound admiration for writers. If they can engage my interest for any length of time, then I immediately elevate them to celebrity status. And if they are Christian writers, even more so! People like C S Lewis, Corrie Ten Boom, Michelle McKinney Hammond, Luci Swindoll, Frank Peretti... all up there...skill is to be covetted... far above reproach

This admiration does not extend to great talkers/preachers though- having been taken in and burnt by salesmen in the past. The smoother their words, the deeper my distrust of them.

I recently purchased a book called 'The Thrill of the Chaste' by Dawn Eden about being sexually pure in a sex-obsessed society. Dawn writes from the perspective of someone who has been there done that and realised how empty casual sex is. Her style is so down to earth and I've read through her book in one sitting, several times. Whenever I meet a cute guy, I guess her book helps me to refocus and keep my resolve NOT to objectify him.

I was quite pleased to learn that she was coming to London to give a talk on chastity at Farm Street Church, Mayfair. So went along for it. The room was packed with people, 20's and 30's - both women and men (which is a bit of a surprise because the book is primarily aimed at single women in their 20's & 30's). As usual I was the only black person there (won't ever get used to that... where are my people at???). This was not the only thing that was unique to me. It felt like I was the only Protestant too. A fact I should have picked up on earlier when I read in Dawn's blog that this would be her first appearance in London as a Catholic. So naturally her talk would be aimed at Catholics. Also Farm Street Church is a Catholic Church. Duh!!

The first thing she says is that she gets nervous and stammers when talking about sex, so it would really help if people in the audience would say a prayer to 'Our Lady' to help her out. You can imagine, as a Protestant I have 'issues' with that. And then her whole talk was peppered with deprecating remarks about Protestants. Her mother apparently is a Messianic Jew which as far as she is concerned, with a sneer, is 'just a Protestant who says Jewish prayers'. Dawn started out her Christian walk as a Protestant, but later converted to Catholicism because she thought Catholics were less hypocritical and took their faith more seriously. I probably wouldn't have taken issue with her anti-Protestant remarks, Lord knows we do enough Catholic bashing of our own, but the guys around me kept on snickering whenever she'd make them which further added to my discomfort.
Perhaps I am over-reacting, but I know for sure that hearing Dawn in person has made me evaluate the way I perceive writers. In fact, it was good to attend this talk, because it forced me to remove my rose-tinted glasses and actually see her for who she is. A fellow human being, capable of being judgemental and offensive (like the rest of us ordinary mortals), who just happens to have a talent for writing.
In Deuteronomy 5: 8 - 9A, it says

"You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God..."

I guess it is possible to respect writers' talent, not forgetting that they too are human. My attitude towards them was definitely idol worship. So I repented before God and asked Him to help me to see these people from the right perspective, through His eyes!

The St B's Club

Mark from St Barnabas is always organising activities, films, dinners, pub quiz, hanging out at his place etc. In theory, it is a good way to get to know other people. I've always wanted to go, but couldn't because of work committments. So I was happy to go along to the cinema with them to watch Ratatouille - Pixar's latest animation about a rat who pursues his dream to be a great chef. It is funny - not hilarious - but worth watching.

Afterwards I reflected on my relationship with the good people of St B's.

Every church has it's "in" crowd. Usually the guys in the Worship Team - the musicians - people whose visible talents propel them into almost celebrity-like status - within the church! Today's movie goers were mainly 'in' crowd. Conversations with them kind of go like this:

Kim: Hi! What's your name?

St B's guy: "I'm Paul"

(pause while I wait for him to ask for my name)

Paul: Uhh , Do I know you?

Kim: yes you do, we go to the same church (yeah dude, the other Sunday when I was talking to your friend Rene, you cut in on our conversation, said hello to him and totally blanked me)

Paul: ohhh, so that's where I've seen you. What service do you go to?

Kim: Mornings mainly (same as you dude)

(Blank look)

Kim: I help out with the tech team sometimes (the only black person who does, you'd be blind to miss me)

Paul: (something like 'recognition' dawning) Oh yes, so that's where I've seen you

And he still has not asked for my name!!!

Earlier, I'd had another conversation with a Catherine from Nottingham. Same thing. Not interested in anything except herself.

I am a shy person - uncomfortable with new people and situations. It takes a lot out of me to initiate conversations, and it would really help if once I got the ball rolling, the other person could help me along.

I cannot really point to a good conversation I have had with anyone new in a long time. Not just the 'in' crowd at St B's, but everyone else. I've thrown myself into new social situations but conversations are always one-sided- with me asking all the questions, being interested, and the other person just... not!!

Since I am the common denominator there must be something wrong with my technique? Something that puts people off? Or maybe I am just in the wrong social circles? And if I am, then what are they RIGHT circles? Or perhaps people just don't want to be my friend?

Thoughts on Career

As a child, I considered several careers,
Nun - because I wanted to be close to God
Model - because I was tall and had a unique look. But that dream died when I realised that I had a large frame that would NEVER be UK Size 8 and Acne that has carried on till now.
Dentist - to follow in my dad's footsteps. I wasn't very good at Biology and in college performed better in the Arts.
Lawyer- having been inspired by Sydney Sheldon's book 'Rage of Angels'. I actually spent 4 years at Law School. It became quite clear in my first semester that being a lawyer wasn't at all glamorous - lots of HARD work, trudging through endless cases, like 'DPP v Shaw' (the first case you read in Criminal Law ) which is 40 pages of legalese- B-O-O-O-RING!!! And then you have about 100 other cases to go through ARGGHHHH!
During Uni, I worked part time at the local Radio station producing adverts and occasionally providing voice overs when there was no one else to do it. After I finished my degree, I interviewed at a new radio station that was in the process of being set up and got a job as a presenter. However, even though we received training we were told that the studio hadn't been completed and we wouldn't be paid for a few months... basically it looked BAD! My mother pooh poohed the whole idea and issued an ultimatum, give up the dream about working in a radio station in Uganda, or go to the UK. "If you really want to work in radio I would rather you did it for the BBC?"
So I took the ticket, and set off starry-eyed for the UK.
It was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.
If I'd stayed on in Uganda, I would have built up some radio experience which would have given me a 'leg in' to the BBC.
Once in the UK, I came face to face with reality. There was tough competition for even the unpaid roles in the BBC. I needed to survive so I took the first job that came my way, working in the civil service. It's a job, it pays the bills and the best thing about it is the flexible work hours. Quite a cushy number! No stress. I get time off to go travelling...
However, at this week's team meeting my manager informed us that the business was restructuring and basically by 2011, we would be out of a job. Which means that I have to start looking for another job.
I don't know what to dooooooooo (high pitched whine)
Some people have got their careers all figured out! Me? My 'career' path has been a trail of impulsive decisions, with no specific destination in mind.
At the moment I am volunteering as a AV operator at my local church. My flat mate said maybe I should consider a career in this area, do a few courses and get some qualifications. I don't know - maybe this will be my route into Radio?

My family...

Well some of them...This picture was taken at my nephew's 5th birthday party. Mom came over from Uganda.

Why I am still single!

I've been quite proactive in my search for a mate.
To recap...
Last year I realised that Christian guys were either married, engaged or in relationships, and the single ones just not interested in me. It became obvious that to improve my chances of ever meeting anyone I had to expand my circles beyond the church. So I went speed dating, started Salsa classes to keep fit in a fun way... (well at least that was my cover story); signed up to Internet dating websites - had a few dates until I ...
met a guy I really liked but he didn't like me 'that way'
Was crushed!
Removed my profile from dating websites. Subsequently read "The Rules" and realised all the mistakes I had been making with guys - making myself too available (and cheap) and not giving them the opportunity to pursue me

This year I joined Meetup.com and started socialising with people who had similar interests. I put my profile back onto a few dating websites... even a Christian one!!! Received some male interest but mainly from drunk guys in night clubs - not really flattering... not my thing really. I corresponded briefly with some guys from websites, had a couple of dates - didn't feel any connection
Wished I was a lesbian!
Read 'The Thrill of the Chaste' by Dawn Eden and repented before God for unchaste thoughts and behaviour. I then made a decision to stop feeding this desire for a mate - cut out all romantic movies and books, dealt ruthlessly with crushes etc. I then threw myself into church activities to 'take my mind off things'

I've kept socialising but it's more relaxed now because my focus has now shifted to enjoying myself, making friends rather than check out the guys

Sometimes I slide back into old habits...

At the beginning of last week, this guy from Loveandfriends.com sent me an email saying that he'd found my profile charming and was tripping the hands of fate. He hoped that I would find his profile incredibly interesting. Good looking. Despite the fact that he'd filled in 'Spiritual' under Religion, I thought it wouldn't hurt to email him back. I mentioned that I am involved in my church,
He wanted to know whether I was relgious?
Me: Depends on your definition of religion
Him: Is it important to you that your potential partner shares your beliefs?
Me: Yes, it is important to me that my potential partner shares or is at least open minded about my core beliefs
Okay so I was compromising a little. The last date I went on was with this 40+ year old Atheist, who had no depth to him and we just did not have much in common. He was such an empty shell!
On the other hand, this guy seemed keen, was black, and apart from 'Religion', seemed to tick all the other boxes. Moreover I'd been encouraged by the story of my friend who has just got together with a guy I introduced her to. He was not a Christian when they first met, but converted within 2 months of meeting her. He now goes to church and in fact tomorrow he is attending the Alpha course at my church! Yippee

Since 'Loveandfriends guy' also belonged to the London Black Professionals group, we agreed that we would meet at the monthly event held last Friday. When you arrive at these events, you hover on the fringes until someone gives you a friendly smile which is your cue to join in on their conversation. The new Kim (Rules girl) at parties expects guys who are interested to initiate conversation with her.
The only guys I spoke with were not him so I assumed that he was a 'no show' (which I found a bit strange)
Next day, he called to ask whether I had been at the meetup.
Me: "Yes, I got there at about 10"
Him: Oh I left a quarter past 10"
and started describing what he'd been wearing and people he talked to.
Me: I didn't recognise you.
He then asked whether I was the one who came in later with another girl,
Me: "Yes I did",
(and then the bloody cheek)
Him: Oh I saw you, have you lost weight since you took the picture on the website?" (So you saw me then?) Me: "No I haven't, I've been pretty much the same size since I took the photo" (that's a lie...I HAVE gone down a dress size)

I thought to myself, if this guy was really serious, he would have at least come over to say hello. And to think I was nervous about actually meeting him??!!

And with such lame ass brothers like that... no wonder I am still single

Rugby

It was a really quiet weekend! Usually, I wake up early on Saturday morning to go to the gym, but for once, I decided to have some time out, have a lie in... reacquaint myself with the vacuum cleaner, make plenty of phone calls to friends.

I caved in mid morning and went for an aerobics class. Due to over enthusiasm with the crunches, my stomach muscles are still in agony - 3 days later

I also watched the Rugby World Cup 2007. Ahhh, Rugby! Takes me back to my Fresher days. Our University team was called the Impis. The captain Paul, who had adopted me as his younger sister, invited me to watch my first game and I went out of curiousity. However, when he discovered that I was quite a loud and enthusiastic cheerleader he decided to make me an honorary Impi, the team mascot!
Almost every Saturday afternoon during rugby season, the bus would pull up outside 'Box' my halls of residence, and honk impatiently for me. All those gorgeous rugby players!! I'd gather up as many girls as possible and then we'd go and cheer our hearts out at the Lugogo Rugby club.
"GOOOOOO IMPIS!!"
or if the other team grabbed the ball
" GRAB HIM, LACK HIM, KILLLLLLL HIM!"
It was marvelous fun!
I developed a bit of a crush on one of the players which every one thought was quite cute. I'd sit with him on the bus on the way back from the game. Subsequently I learnt that Paul had given him a 'talk' and was 'watching' him - which really explains the poor guys' nervousness. Eventually he came up with the "I-can't-date-you-It's-not-you-it's-me" speech. I was heartbroken
The World cup has rekindled my love for Rugby - possibly nostalgia. It doesn't hurt that the best looking guys on the England Rugby tea- Jonny Wilkinson and Jason Robinson are born again Christians! Last Sunday when England was playing against Samoa, Jonny played really well. I felt so proud of him!
I wonder what the neighbours think because there I am yelling loudly in my living room, just like my Impis days!

Jehovah Jireh

My lodger is moving out by October. The announcement did not come as a surprise. The last few months have been trying for her. Our small flat has played host to a lot of ‘guests’- loud Church Group meetings, long stay relatives and one time I even had absolute strangers from www.hospitalityclub.org. I know she values her privacy and because she works in a high pressured environment needs a place to unwind after work. She hasn’t come out and said that she minds (Only when the hospitality club guys were around) but I can sense her discomfort, irritation, annoyance
One of my spiritual gifts is hospitality- I love having parties, cooking for people and just having them around. This is the main reason why I moved to my own place. I’ve tried to compromise and be a bit considerate. I’m not entertaining as much as I would like to. And now when I have people around, I feel really guilty because of the effect on her.
I sat down to work out the figures and discovered that my salary JUST about covers my fixed monthly outgoings, i.e. mortgage, rent, bills, credit card repayments, tithe-the non-negotiable items. I’ve been depending on her monthly contribution and I don’t know how I am going to survive after she’s gone! I constantly worry about it. I regret money that I have spent recklessly in the past, the holidays I took abroad, and reproach myself for not saving up when I could.
Will I find another lodger? Will I lose the flat?
Last Sunday I felt so overwhelmed. At the end of service I went to the front of the church and just wept before God. I tried to negotiate with Him about the tithe. Surely is it right to keep tithing if it means I have nothing left to live on.
What is the biblical position? Why ask? In Mark 12:42 - 44 it is told that a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny into the offering box. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on

So the tithe is still payable! I’d love to know what happened after the widow went back home. Did God provide for her? Some of these bible stories can be frustrating because they have no end and are only meant to generate discussion. Also they don't always have nice tidy happy endings. Maybe she went home and starved to death.

I’ve suddenly remembered another story. I don’t know why I am only remembering stories about widows - perhaps it is because I can relate to them being a single woman living on my own?

In 1 Kings 17: 7-15 Elijah went to a widow in Zarephath and asked her for bread.

She replied, “As surely as the LORD your God lives…I don't have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die."
Elijah said to her, "Don't be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small cake of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD gives rain on the land.' "
She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family. For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the LORD spoken by Elijah.

God is my Father!

Last year when I came back from my time abroad, I was so broke and He provided for me! I pray that when thoughts of despair threaten to overwhelm me, that I will hold on to the truth that God is concerned about my needs. He may not provide in the way that I would like Him to and maybe there is a lesson to be learned here. Perhaps He is teaching me to live more frugally, stop being lazy and take up a part time job again. Ditch the expensive car and start using the bus. Cancel the gym membership and think of creative ways to keep fit. And stop being so vain, cancel my contact lenses prescription and start wearing my glasses (even though they make me look like an old spinster). And surely I can survive without expensive skin products and learn to live with the adult acne.
Whatever it is I will trust God in this!

Notting Hill Carnival

It was my pleasure to introduce Yati this year to the famous Notting Hill Carnival. It's Europe's largest street festival, and the second largest in the world after the Carnival in Rio De Janeiro.
I've always had a good time there which is odd, considering media coverage of the event is largely negative, focussing only on the heavy police presence(4000 police) , how many people were arrested (208), stabbed(1), shot (2), robbed etc

It's a really colourful event. I just love the floats. Soca, Calypso and Samba music blares out from huge speakers. If you get close to them, you can feel the Bass vibrating through your body! There are the Steel drum bands which are a personal favourite. Though there was strong competition this year from a large group of drummers - must have been about 100 of them, in a 'batteria'. The crowds just loved them

Then there's the brightly coloured, garish and outlandish costumes - women wearing the skimpiest bikini's ever. What always gets me is the larger women, who have probably been persuaded by their skinny friends to wear the same outfit. The amount of confidence these women exude is amazing. I wouldn't be caught dead in any one of those costumes. There's one woman whom we couldn't quite figure whether she was pregnant or was that just a large stomach?

All over the place is the lovely aroma of Caribbean cooking. Barbeques going with Jerk chicken and Curry goat! I bought myself a large portion of Jerk Chicken and washed it down with tasty rum punch.

It was nice to see other nationalities represented at the Carnival including this Chinese one - not as colourful or as lively as the other floats that had thumping music and crowds 'WIIIIIINDING!!!!'

Being me, I never pass up the opportunity to scout for good looking men in London (and some not so good looking hehe)

Definitely a great time and looking forward to next year's one.

The Cost of Being a Disciple

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.
And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:26 – 27 NIV)

Mother Theresa is quoted, “If this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few”

In the old testament, Job, was a man of whom God said, ...‘There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. (Job 1: 8 NIV)...And yet God let Satan take away everything Job had – his family, possessions, his health

It’s a sobering to think that being a child of God does not insulate you from pain, hurt, distress, poverty, and illness. It is not an easy Walk. We are constantly swimming against the tide, faced with tough choices the consequences of which hurt, isolate, or in some cases even cost us our lives. Jesus tells us in John 16: 33, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

And non-Christians say that Christianity is for the weak… a crutch? I don’t think so

A few months ago, a friend was diagnosed with Schizophrenia; she has now been ‘Sectioned’. In England, this happens when a person with “mental disorder" is admitted to hospital against their will under the Mental Health Act. A patient can be sectioned if they are perceived to be a threat to themselves or other people.
Most of us, are reeling from the shock of this news. You see, my friend has a burning passion for God’s work. It’s what she lives for. For as long as I’ve known her, she has always been involved in evangelism. She headed up her University’s Christian Union, then went on to train with the ‘Jesus Army’ for a year, went preaching in Europe and when she came back to London, set up a bible study group, carried on with street evangelism, even worked in the Church. She constantly challenged us friends to live holy lives and win souls for Jesus.

It seems to me that the more you draw attention to yourself in God’s Kingdom the more likely you are to be a target. This is the reason I am reluctant to throw myself wholeheartedly into God’s work. I’d rather be anywhere but on the 'Front line'. To be totally honest, I love myself, my family, my friends and reputation too much. I’m not willing to bear the cost of being a disciple. I am a coward. Does this make me any less Christian?

Is there any such thing as a selfish cowardly Christian?

Peter is recorded as the biggest coward in the New Testament. At the time of Jesus arrest, in order to save his own skin, Peter denied that he knew Jesus, not once, but THREE times! In Matthew 26: 74 it is recorded that he went so far as to '...call down curses on himself and he swore to them, "I don't know the man!" However, a few months later, this same man, Peter stood up in front of a crowd and bore witness to Jesus, with so much passion that 3000 men converted that day. He went on to face intense persecution both within and outside the church. But this was only possible after the Jesus had affirmed him and he had been baptised in the Holy Spirit on Pentecost.

With God all things are possible. We cannot be disciples, without the help of the Holy Spirit. All it takes is willingness on our part, and then complete dependence on God to help us follow through on our decision.
I wish cowardice could disappear in an instant, but alas it doesn't. Even in Peter we see echoes of cowardice in his behaviour post 'Acts of the Apostles'. Paul records in Galations 1: 11- 13

'When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong. Before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group.'

There is a lot we can learn from Peter. After all, we are not perfect. All have flaws and weaknesses. In my case, it is cowardice, for others it may be something different. Others learn how to overcome their weaknesses quickly, some like me, are still crippled by them. The fact is, I DO want to live a holy life that honours and glorifies God and I DO want to win as many people for Jesus... I'm just not sure whether I am willing to pay the price. Kind of like when an overweight person wants to lose weight, but is not willing to pay the price of self discipline and unlearn the bad habits that got them into the situation in the first place.

There are no short cuts in life. Everything has a price. Sometimes ... the burden is light and yoke easy... but other times IT JUST ISN'T!
All I know is that when the time of reckoning comes, and I am faced with the choice to bear the cost of discipleship (and I know the time will come) I hope that God will help me make the right decision.

“Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:22 NIV)

The Wedding!

When I got there in the morning, Simon told me that they had been up until 2.00am in the morning getting the hall ready and doing some last minute shopping. He was very calm. I asked him where his suit was, and he said that it was at his mother-in-law, Nanny Pam’s, place. Sharon had to come home to collect some stuff, so to get out of the way, we went to the church to supervise the balloon people.

I thought everything was under control until I noticed him pacing the floor clearly agitated!
“What's wrong?”
“I'm nervous!”
“About what?”
“That things will go wrong.”
The person who had promised to pick up the food from Nanny Pam's had let them down so the duty fell to Simon and me.

This was midday; the wedding was at 2.00pm.

At Nanny Pam’s even more drama awaited... The suit was not there! Sharon was stressed and did not appreciate me asking her repeatedly where it was. ‘Tell Simon to look in the wardrobe at home.” And indeed, there it was, together with crumpled white shirt. I started ironing like a mad woman and ordered him into the bathroom to shave and shower! He wanted to go for a walk to de-stress. No time for that we need to be at the church by 1.30.
At 1.00pm, his Ex- Partner phoned to ask for directions to the church. She was supposed to bring the boys, who were the pageboys, and they still had not left their home in West London??? As a result the Wedding was delayed for an hour. We all think this was maliciously deliberate. Stress levels were at an all time high. I kept reminding Si to calm down and BREATHE!

Before Sharon walked in to the church, he started shaking! “This is it then, no turning back now!” It was a beautiful ceremony, (if the sermon a tad too long!)
5 minutes before the reception, was informed that I was the Master of Ceremonies! (MC). Now it was my turn to be stressed!!! MC's are supposed to be funny, keep the audience entertained! I’m not deliberately funny- most of my ‘planned’ jokes often fall as flat as Jamaican hard dough bread. It’s all in the delivery dahling! (I'm thinking of joining Toastmasters to learn the art public speaking.) The cameraman (who was cute but MARRIED) gave me a few tips. Despite this, I still messed up. I told people to start lining up for the buffet before the kitchen was ready! Everything was really disorganised. Apart from Sharon's sisters, there wasn't really anyone to help with serving or clearing up rubbish (plates cutlery etc)! Total contrast to African weddings where you have a host of willing volunteers! The food was good. I couldn’t fully enjoy it because I was anxious about my SPEECH
The Speech… Being the last minute person that I am, I’d spent about 10 minutes the previous night working on it, and only practiced on the morning of the wedding while driving down to South London. I managed to put half of it on to prompt cards, the finishing touches to be added while everyone was eating at the reception. Unfortunately, I didn’t get any time to do this because of a) morning drama and b) this whole MC’ng business.
The end result was not bad though. One of the guests, who looked like Desmond, from the TV series, was glaring at me! (Gulp) Turns out he was not the only one giving me the evils. Apparently the ex did not appreciate parts of my speech that heaped lavish praise upon Sharon.
Not many guests knew that Simon and Sharon had met through the Internet, so when I brought up the subject, I could see the bride and groom looking anxious. I didn’t dwell on it but turned it into a joke - thanking them for showing us that the Internet is not just populated with weirdoes and psychos, but has some normal people as well…. (Pause and a glance at Simon) Weeelllll… sort of normal! The audience laughed at the right places – so really pleased!

Afterwards, I asked them to clear the dance floor, i.e. put chairs and tables to the side and was not too impressed when all the men just stood there and did not offer to help. (And Sharon and Simon were thinking of hooking me up with one of the guys there? Hmm I don't think so!) The cameraman helped…but unfortunately for me he is taken! (I was very taken with him!!!)
Then it turned boring. The DJ was lousy, no one was dancing, and I couldn’t leave before Simon and Sharon. Can’t understand why they took so long to leave. There was a posh hotel room waiting for them, which I’m sure Simon had mentioned at least a thousand times!

Despite everything, they appear to have had a good time and that’s what matters! I don’t have any close male friends left, so I guess this is the last time I’ll do the best man thing. A part of me regretfully felt that I should have done this for Stephen, who until a couple of years ago was my best friend … but there you go… you can never predict how life turns out!

Last year I was Chief Bridesmaid; this year, Best Man… Who knows maybe next year I could be BRIDE???