To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:7 - 10 NIV)
Yesterday the negative side of my melancholic personality took over. I occasionally have dark spells, and this time, rather than inflict it on my work colleagues; I thought I’d take the day off as Annual Leave, stay at home and feel sorry for myself.
I cried…read my bible, played my guitar...had breakfast… cried…prayed to God…cried… listened to Joyce Meyer’s ‘Confidence, Freedom To Be Yourself’ teaching series on CD…laughed…and then cried! In a frenzy, I de-junked, cleaned, vacuumed and polished my flat. Went out to the library and borrowed ‘Miss Potter’…watched it and…you guessed it… CRIED! At this point, the English would say in their typically dry fashion
“So a lot of crying then?”
A friend called and this really lifted my spirits. I felt loved again.
The day really brought me a revelation… or rather it highlighted one of my major weaknesses.
I am an extremely NEEDY person- constantly in need of reassurance, or for a sense of belonging. One of my Love languages according to Dr Gary Chapmans’ Five Love Languages is Quality time which means that I feel loved when people choose to spend time with me, invite me to events, call or email, include me in their lives…
When I don’t get this, my initial reaction is to interprete it as rejection. To protect myself, I withdraw from relationship with those who I think do not love me anymore.
I know… totally irrational!
Of course I recognise that people can’t always be there for me in the way that I want them to. The 'weight of expectation' can be overly demanding and will drive (and has driven) close friends away. People have different ways of expressing love and I acknowledge that… in my head.
I think it's important to recognise and accept your weaknesses, not live in secret frustration and self deception. We should be like participants of Alcoholics Anonymous who at their meetings introduce themselves as "Alcoholics". The first step in dealing with a problem is to acknowledge that you have it.
Whenever I feel rejected, I go into a kind of mourning period and say before God that, "Right now I am hurt, I feel unloved. I know this is not true, but this is how I feel"
I allow His Holy Spirit to reason with me, until what I know in my head translates into my heart. I'd like to say that this all happens in a short space of time. Sometimes it can take days, months, years...
I used to pray for God to take away my weaknesses , and would sing along with that Hillsong song
"Lord I've come to know, the weaknesses I see in me will be stripped away by the Power of Your Love"
But will He strip them away in this lifetime? That would be GREAT! Marvelous, Fantastic even! But I don't think God will take away our weaknesses while we are here on earth. So we need to stop beating ourselves up about them. These flaws are in-built and are a reminder of our human fallibility. Everytime we come face to face with our weaknesses, let it be our cue to draw closer to God
Praise be to God for His wonderful grace and whose strength is made perfect in our weakness.
