33 today!

Usually on my birthday, I reflect on my life- highlighting all the things I haven't yet achieved! Today, will be slightly different. I'll try to focus on the positive...

1) I have been a Christian (born again) now for 18 years and I am still IN the Lord. I have faith in a Mighty God who loves me SO much and I can't wait to actually see Him face to face. However there are still some things He would like me to do while I'm still here on earth... which I am excited about. Life is one big adventure!

Thank you Lord for the people you have placed in my life to help me along this journey.
Natasha Kainerugaba, who lent me the book, which started me on the journey to Salvation;
my sister Ngonzi, the first person known to me who paid a price in following You (my father disowned her). To the spiritual leaders you have provided through the years- Vicki Owens, Pastor Joshua, Pastor Chris, Pastor Mark and Maureen, Alex and Milly Ojera, Paul Walsh, Bruce Atkinson, Edna Darko-Sarkwa, Joanne Marshall, Linda Steinmark, Henry Kendal, Anne Coles, Colin Brookes

Even those that I have not met personally, but whose ministry has had a significant impact on my life - Corrie Ten Boom, Joyce Meyer, R. T. Kendall, C.S. Lewis, Brother Andrew, Dawn Eden, Michelle Mckinney Hammond, Philip Yancey, Sheldon Vanauken, Elisabeth Elliot

2) I've got a great parents, siblings, niece and nephews whom I love so much. Sure we have our spats from time to time, but we are there for each other when it matters. We also have some good times which I enjoy. Thank you Lord for my family

3) Spending time with my friend Sheila today made me realise just how privileged I am to have such good friends in my life. People move in and out of our lives, but there are some who make a big impact and will always have a special place in my heart, and me in theirs! I can't list them all here, but you know who you are. Also mention the friends that I have met through the Internet who are still a big part of my life - Glennis, Birgit, Simon.
Also for the best friends who are not in my life anymore but will always be remembered fondly - Eddie Bakuta (RIP), Sam Katts and Stephen D. I miss you guys. Thank you Lord for ALL my friends

4) A word was spoken over my life, that I would be an evangelist - spreading the Good News that Jesus saves. I have personally introduced one person to Jesus, and she is still in love with Him. I have facilitated the work of other evangelists by giving of my finances, encouragement and time. Thank you Lord for allowing me to serve in this way

5) With my finances, I have put my cousin through high school, and now she is doing her A' levels. Thank you Lord for enabling me to play a role in the life of this young, intelligent lady! I pray that this seed I am sowing in her life will bear fruit and one day she will be in a position to do the same for others.

So there you have it. My life and what's important to me for the last 33 years!
Here's to another 33 years

Florida Revival part 2

Yesterday we had a meeting at St B's to hear a report from John and Ann Coles who have just come back from visiting Lakeland, Florida.
I had very high expectations because I’ve been hearing stories about people coming back from Florida and starting little revivals in their hometowns.
Finally I would experience the undeniable, tangible presence of God.
Before the meeting, I saw a lady on crutches and thought to myself – she is going to get healed tonight
Steve (my ‘crush’) led worship and then John and Anne shared stories that they had heard from people who had been healed at the meetings they'd attended – which were pretty amazing. We watched a couple of video clips of the services and the Coles’ asked us to note the AUTHORITY used to heal people.
A big revelation for me yesterday was Jesus never actually prayed for healing… instead he COMMANDED sickness to leave bodies.
If indeed we take Jesus at His word when He said in Mark 16: 17,18 (NIV)
And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my Name…they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well
And again in John 14:12
I tell you the truth; anyone who has faith in me will do what I am doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father

Then healings should be a normal part of our Christian lives
We usually hear of great healings in the Third World (Africa, Asia), but in Lakeland God has demonstrated that the same can happen in the Western World too.

With this in mind, those in need of healing were asked to stand up – and those around to lay hands on them and command healing. I looked around for the lady in crutches but couldn’t see her because I was stuck behind the tech team desk doing the AV!
John asked for testimonies from those who had experienced healing – a few people with irregular heartbeats, migraines, constricted throats came forward to say that they experienced something and believe they were healed
At the conclusion of the service we prayed for the fire of God to fall upon us, so that we could go out with power into the world that we live in –workplaces, homes, schools, streets.
I don’t know why I never feel anything at these meetings. Some people around me were crying out, others were doing this ‘Pentacostal body convulsion’ thing and others were on the floor. So I closed my eyes against distractions (Steve… although could still hear his voice and keyboard playing) and tried to manufacture some form of emotion – squeezed out a few tears but nothing else. I don’t want to fall into the trap of mimicking because that would be hypocritical! I guess what I really wanted was for God to call me by name, like He did once at a public meeting in Glasgow in 1994.
Perhaps I am not pressing in enough (whatever that means) or haven’t reached the point of desperation! In my heart, I really want to have more of God’s power, to be able to live a genuine Christian life, to enjoy greater intimacy, get excited and tell others about Him and bring them into the fold.
I want to go up to the girl at work with arthritis, and command it to leave her body in Jesus name! I’m telling you… she would definitely believe in Jesus.
But to use the jargon… I haven’t caught the fire! I tried fasting yesterday but in the afternoon crumbled at the first sign of a biscuit (10 biscuits later…); the last 3 days I have been following the Bible reading plan (Isaiah 33, 34, 35 )… but so far no revelations and can’t find any practical application. Yesterday at the meeting, feeling like an outsider, thoughts were running through my mind such as… “See you don’t fit in. In fact you don’t fit in anywhere. There’s no point in living. You should kill yourself”
I took command of those and said out loud
“I refuse to believe those thoughts. They are lies from the enemy. I am a child of God, Precious in His sight”
Felt a bit like an idiot saying it, but I CANNOT even begin to entertain such dark thoughts…
Maybe I am possessed by a demon?
But how?
I don’t think so!
Maybe tonight at Alpha or at Home Group tomorrow I’ll ask people to pray for me!

Florida revival

I first heard about this from my 'crush', Steve. He's just sent me a text today saying 16 people so far have been raised from the dead, the latest being a black girl whose family put a voodoo curse on her. She was killed by a demonic spirit and was dead for about 45 minutes. People were praying for her, and then she says she saw a bright light appear and she came back to life!

A little background,
There is a mighty move of God's Spirit at Fresh Fire Ministries Church in Lakeland, Florida that's been going on for a few weeks. People from all over the world are travelling there in DROVES to get healed or to have a fresh touch of God (I NEED THAT!!) A couple of our senior pastors have gone out there this week, hoping to get an impartation to bring back to St B's. Last Sunday, during the service, they played a YouTube clip from Florida which fit in very nicely with the sermon on the 'Fullness of God'. John (the preacher) challenged us afterwards saying "Have we seen the fullness of God here yet?"

We then just all started crying out to God for "More!!"
What I loved about it was that it wasn't gimmicky. There was no band to play music to stir up our emotions. John asked that those who had a need should raise their hands, and those nearby prayed for them. I felt really convicted about my sins (especially selfishness) and then felt an urgent prompting to get away. Now every Sunday, on my way home from church, I drive past my nephews' house and never stop. I've always justified this by saying that I'm not good with kids and feel awkward around them. That day I noticed that the light was on in his mom's car, so I had an excuse to knock on the door to tell her to switch if off in case battery went flat. This was followed by 15 glorious minutes of visiting with them. My nephew was excited and showed me his new 'Gormiti' card collection, and when I was leaving gave me a big hug. We've made a date for today and as soon as I've posted this, I'm off to see him.
It is a minor thing for most people I know, but for me it's been a real struggle to be in a relationship with my relatives. I feel like I do not connect with them...that they don't really like me. I need to get over this whole 'I don't like children' thing. Indirectly, I am beginnng to feel the effects of the Florida revival.

Why should the devil have all the good tunes?

This is one of my favourite quotes by Martin Luther, the German monk, theologian and church reformer whose ideas inspired the Protestant Reformation. He said this in defence of his practice and encouragement of contrafacta – the German Protestant Reformation practice of setting sacred texts to the tunes of secular songs.

I remember what first drew me to Christianity was the music. Unlike the hymns I’d grown up listening to, the songs and choruses sung by the Pentecostals were fresh, lively, upbeat and relevant. I now recognise that God’s Spirit was speaking and drawing me to a place where I would finally meet with Jesus in a way that changed my life forever.

As a new Christian, I was told that secular entertainment including music was bad as it did not glorify God, and that I should only listen to ‘Christian’ music. At the time there was this Christian documentary going around called ‘Hells Bells’ whose basic premise was - all rock music is satanic and anti Christian. So in obedience I destroyed my secular music collection and resolved to only listen to music by Christian artists. This made for very slim pickings and for some reason Christian CD’s are very expensive. Gospel and contemporary Christian music (which is really soft rock) seemed to be the only available music for Christians...
I’ve stopped pretending to like it.

I like dance music and I like clubbing- the atmosphere, strobe lighting, the wild abandon and energy with which people dance and easy camaraderie between fellow clubbers. I have been known to dance non-stop in a club the whole night!


Surely I should be dancing like this in church, with all my might before the Lord, just like David did that time when he brought the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem (2 Samuel 6:14).

There’s a deep house music tune by Dennis Ferrer that I love called “Church Lady” which has a wicked chorus “Glory, Halleluiah, let them show you the way.” I’m the one in the middle of the dance floor waving my hands and shouting out the choruslike a crazy woman.
There is a darker side to clubbing- drugs, alcohol abuse, sometimes violence, lust, predators etc, but wouldn’t it be great if we could reclaim this area for God and use it to worship Him in a style of music, that some of us can fully engage in, without compromising?


I discovered yesterday that there were others in my church who felt the same way.

Katie invited me to be one of the organisers for Digital Cathedral - an event to be held in October where we will worship God using creative arts technology associated with dance music and club culture. We had our first planning yesterday. As we went around the group introducing ourselves and highlighting our particular skills, I was overcome with feelings of inadequacy. Not sure why Katie asked me to be a part of this. Herself and Bridget have lovely singing voices, and can write lyrics. Julie is the administrator, Nigel and James the DJ’s. As I listened to everyone, my heart started racing and I racked my brains to figure out what skills I could bring to the table. When it was my turn I came up with “… bundles of enthusiasm?’
Hopefully, I will have a more substantial contribution by the time we have our first real workshop. In the meantime I will be involved in research for different venues, listening to God for direction. Prayer points - a free club venue, creative ideas, keep focus on God,

Rome and my Italian Regazzo (young man)

Rome trip was actually quite good! Don't know why I was stressing out about it. The organiser did a brilliant job - finding a suitable apartment in the city centre and hiring taxis to collect and drop us off at the airport.
I've visited Rome a couple of times before, so sightseeing was not high on my list of priorities. The aim was to practice my Italian, and sample the club scene. Unfortunately, my travelling companions had a taste for the expensive restaurants and bars. They also did not drink wine, preferring cocktails- which kind of scuppered my plans of splitting the cost of a wine bottle. (the cheaper option)

About the Regazzo...He approached us while we were queueing outside Anima club, which is off the Piazza Novona. Despite the fact that it was full he managed to get us in. The music was good, so I started dancing with Chris (who isn't a very good dancer). When the rest of the group joined us on the floor my Ragazzo made his move... in a clever way. Once he'd established that Chris was not my boyfriend, he pulled out some salsa moves which ended in a tight embrace. We stayed that way and slowdanced, talking for the rest of the evening. As we were almost the same height, we leant in close to hear each other over the loud pumping music... He is 30, a media studies graduate, and moonlights as a busker (plays guitar) on weekends at the Spanish Steps. He's studied jazz dancing and sometimes works as a martial arts instructor. (read... nice body) His chat up lines however left a lot to be desired

"I love the smell of your skin"!!!

Not the first time I've heard this from an Italian. Either I have a really nice body odour, or they actually think this is a romantic line!!! He explained that in Italy it means he loves me (most likely lust ) and tried several times to kiss me. However, my lips were firmly out of range - and he got the cheek!! What I liked about him though is that he was confident, sociable and afterwards earned brownie points by making it his responsibility to get us back to our apartment safely. Sooo macho - I liked that. We exchanged numbers.

The next evening we went to Caruso club in Travestere for the Cuban Salsa evening. He showed up with a bevy of friends - one for each of my travelling companions, including a couple of Russian girls he had met that day at the Steps "I bring them for your friend, Chris" Awww!

I thought to myself, for just one evening let me pretend that he is my boyfriend. Of course I know he was only after sex - I may be a virgin, but I'm not naive -but it felt really nice to have some male attention, be treated like a woman and not 'one of the guys' for a change. He suggested going up to the terrace for 'fresh air', where we proceeded to snog for what seemed like ages! The 'sex' question came up, and I was like "No"

"Why you say, "No!" so quickly. Don't you like me?"

"You're a nice guy, but that is just not going to happen. Just because I kiss you doesn't mean I am going to sleep with you"

Afterwards he told one of my friends that I was bit difficult. Must have come as a shock to him because black girls in Italy have a reputation for being 'easy'.The weird thing is... I didn't enjoy the snogging and felt like a spectator- going through the motions but completely not turned on! Was a bit worried that I might be frigid or something but I've thought it over since and reached this conclusion: For once my body and my head are in total agreement. If I am to have sex, it will only be within the context of a meaningful relationship - which to me is nothing short of marriage. I must admit that my virginity acts as a control. It is a rare and precious thing in this modern age, and I want to give it as a gift to the man who marries me - not just casually throw it away on someone I met randomly in a night club.

I wonder whether there is a virgin out there for me?? sigh

I stood him up the next day - because I knew that he would continue in the same vein. I was also regretting my actions the previous evening. I remembered rather belatedly that this wasn't exactly Christ-like behaviour - nice Christian girls don't go 'scoring' in bars.

However, it is an ego boost when someone finds you desirable, but I don't think I'll let it go that far again. Well I don't know... the attention was quite flattering!

Off to Rome!!!

I’m off to Rome tomorrow! Really excited!

And then not so much…

I am going as part of a group of 7 people whom I met through the London Black Professionals Meet up

My friend’s brother Chris is coming along too. I was appalled when he told me that he had last been on holiday 17 years ago!!!

I guess I’m a bit apprehensive because when you go on holiday in a group, living in close proximity, (and with other women???) you learn things about each other that you wouldn’t normally at the usual monthly meetings.

These girls are my ‘mission field’ (such a cliché… I know) and my desire is for them to see Christ in me…make Christianity attractive to them, to introduce them to Jesus and see them saved!
But what if I achieve the opposite effect? What if I come off all ‘square’ and boring or even worse… the dark side of my personality comes out and I am bitchy and ‘un-Christ like’? What if I conform… to the point that they do not see anything different about me, or about Chris (who is also born again?)

I haven’t prepared for this, as in, prayer and fasting! Not sure whether it is about me? After all, I’m not the one who does the ‘saving’. It is the Holy Spirit who draws people to Himself!
If I can play even a small part in this, that would be an awesome privilege.

I just pray that God will be glorified

American Youth

A couple of weeks ago, one of the members of the Black Travellers community contacted me and suggested that it would be a good idea to meet up when he passed through London on his way to Manchester- final destination being Barcelona. As this is something I like to do in foreign places i.e. interact with the locals , I thought it was a great idea and gave him my number!

On the day he arrived, I received a call from him from the airport. He had lost his ATM card (what a way to start a holiday!!), was feeling depressed (understandably) and asked whether I could come collect him. This was an unexpected cost for me (petrol is not cheap) but I agreed. Later I took him to the Black Professionals RnB/Hip hop karaoke evening where he had a great time chatting up beautiful women. He was blown away by the whole thing because apparently in LA, there would never be such a large gathering (200+) of black people in one venue without some kind of violence and police showing up to break it up. (I'm not so keen on visiting LA now!) Afterwards I dropped him off at his youth hostel and as far as I was concerned, that was the end of my role in his London trip

He phoned a couple of days later to say that he had postponed his Manchester trip, was still in London and would I like to meet up? Well, as I mentioned in my last post, last weekends' schedule was quite busy, so we only met on my next available day, Tuesday when to my surprise, I discovered that he was staying with one of the friends I'd introduced him to the previous Wednesday. That was quick!!!

"What about Manchester?"
"Not sure whether I'm going there anymore. My friend who stays there is coming down to London this Thursday"

Wednesday lunch time, my friend phones me

"You know your friend D?"
"Yeah?!"
"Has he given any indication of when he is leaving?"

Apparently, the whole him staying at her place was not working out, on account of the fact, it's a small one-bedroomed flat, D wakes up at 1.00pm, has no interest in going out to tour London prefering to stay in all day listening to music on his laptop. My friend on the other hand, works at home and was becoming increasingly irritated with the situation. She was regretting her impulsive offer for him to stay for "a couple of days", as it was now 5 days and he didn't seem to have a plan to move on. Plus her lover was having issues with him in the flat. (Oh so there wasn't anything going on between her and D)

"I don't know why I always 'mother' people"
"I'm just like you. Fortunately I have a no-nonsense flatmate which makes it easier to say "No" and also helps strengthen my resolve"
"When you see him next, could you ask him what his plans are, and also kind of hint that I'm a control freak who likes her own space?"
"You're asking me to bitch on my homegirl?"
"Kim, I give you FULL permission to bitch away"

Hmm, that would place me in an unpleasant position. D would probably ask to stay at my place and as we'd parted the Tuesday evening on a such pleasant note, (and I'm such a people pleaser), I would find it difficult to say "No!" Not sure I could put up with his freeloading and neither could my flat mate. So I dealt with it in my usual fashion and did not to relay my friend's message

I get a text message from him that evening asking me to 'call him' which I ignored. Later on in a fit of remorse I sent him a text to say that I'd call him the next day. I 'forgot'
Friday I received another text from him
"Where you at?"
"At home chilling"
"Let's go eat"
Hmm! He's probably been chucked out of my friend's flat and is looking for a place to stay. He then tried to phone me twice, but I was talking on the other phone to my mom, so ignored it. Sent him a message saying
"I can't come out this evening because it is my chill out day. I'll see you at the 70's party"

I haven't heard from him since

On Saturday at the 70's party my friend told me that on the Wednesday, she reached breaking point when he locked them out of the flat by mistake and she had to call out a locksmith. She told him straight out that he'd have to leave. (I think this is when he sent me the text asking me to call him)
He finally moved out on Friday (which explains why he was so anxious to contact me that time)
"Anyway, he sent me a long email to apologise and also a bunch of flowers. So he was raised right."... she concluded..."but Kim, never again!"

Last September I hosted a couple of kids from Washington through the Hospitality Club. They too had done no research whatsoever when they came to London, had no plan and were decidedly unenthusiastic about my suggested places of interest. Lack of money is an issue because London is an expensive city, and probably comes as a shock to them, but there are LOADS of free things to do. The kids had no clue when their flights out of London were. I swear I was more concerned than they were and had to force them to find out (which was just as well, because they had early morning flights and no plan on how to get to the airport.) I hate generalising, but from the three young Americans I've met I have serious concerns. They appear to live in a dreamworld where they think things fall into place 'magically!" I expected Americans who travelled outside their country to have more initiative!"

Maybe it is just 'middle class' Americans who can't function in the real world?

Imagine these are future leaders of the one of the most influential countries in the world!?'

Sure let me down!

Quite a busy weekend!
On Friday I attended a friends 'coming of age' house party. He was celebrating "not being a teenager anymore." Not sure why I was invited given that the average age at the party was about...err... 20! Just when I thought I'd be lumbered with the adults (his mom and dad) in the living room while the youngsters had a laugh somewhere else, I hit upon the brilliant idea of wandering around the house taking photos.
Towards the end of the party, I had a long conversation with my 'crush' who is errr... 20
(a pause while I look a bit shamefaced).
He is absolutely gorgeous though – broad shoulders, well defined muscles (works out at the gym), plays piano and sings most beautifully. (I'm a sucker for musicians) Who cares that he was only in his nappies when I was starting secondary school!!!!

Back to the busy weekend!
Saturday: Latino Aerobics in the morning, Italian lessons in the afternoon, (which are getting progressively harder) and then 3 evening engagements!

The way I'd planned it was 6.00pm for the first, 9.00pm for the second and 11.00pm for the third one. However learnt once again that 'The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry'
For the 6.00pm meet up, my friend who is over on holiday from Kenya arrived 3 and a half hours late!!!! As you can see, this threw the rest of my timings completely out. At 10pm, I rushed to the St Georges' Day fancy dress party that my friend Andy had organised to raise funds for the Motor Neurone Disease Association. Fortunately, I'd explained to him before about 'African time', so was not too embarrassed to arrive 4 hours after it had started. Once there I took to the dance floor, and as so often happens at these parties when you are the only Black, a crowd gathers round to watch in awe- "Ahh, so that's what rhythm is"
There I was revelling in the attention, and then I went to the bathroom and saw to my horror... MASSIVE sweat patches under both arm pits!
Oh the shame!
You watch these adverts on TV about antiperspirants, and how they won't let you down!
I can tell you now that SURE LET ME DOWN!!!

I left rather hurriedly after that for my next engagement- Guanabara! I don't know what the deal is about this place, as I've never been inside - always been put off by the massive queue. This night was no exception. My friends who had arrived earlier were in the middle of the queue, but the security guard wouldn't let me in when I asked him. Instead he started moaning about his job, and how everyone else has been queueing and he cannot make exceptions, even for a sister! Imagine! And the guy was from Zaire - practically next door to Uganda! What’s the world coming to when a brother cannot help a sister?? So went home instead because I just don't do queues! Not in this weather!
(Also was a good excuse to get out of it, due to aforementioned sweat issue!)

Sunday, church and then surprise birthday party for a friend. The look on Sam's face when he opened the door to 10 of his friends was priceless! He's got lovely friends and I had a nice time getting to know them. Also my sister who has been shunning me for a while now was there and she gave me a HUG and actually talked to me!!! I don't know whether she was pretending we were cool because we were amongst ' outside people' (my dad does this), and I am too scared to phone her to confirm that! So I'll just leave things as they are for now!

So I’m a bit of a social animal. But this comes with a price because on Monday, I noticed lines under my eyes!!! Arghhhhh! I've always prided myself on looking younger than my age. Yati remarked
"It must be too much partying and too little sleep"

Sacred Romance

Sorry I’ve been so quiet!

I bought this book ‘The Sacred Romance – Drawing Closer to the Heart of God’ by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge a few years ago while on holiday in the USA. Courtesy of my 15 day Amtrak Rail pass, a good chunk of my time was spent travelling and I’d thought the book would help pass the time.

I was mistaken!

It’s one of those books that call for deep reflection – those of you who know me, know that I prefer to wade in the shallow realms of human thought. So at that time the book was just not for me and I never got past the first few chapters. It's been gathering dust on my bookshelf for years and I only unearthed last weekend while spring cleaning. There’s a time and season for everything, and I suppose this was my time to read the book.

Was planning to review it here, but there’s so much good stuff in it, and it's really difficult to summarise. All I can say is that if you are at a point in your life where the ‘Romance’ has gone (you know what I’m talking about), and you are just going through the motions of Christianity…
…or you feel there is something missing, and feel a deep yearning, an 'unconsolable longing', as the authors put it, and have tried to recapture this 'elusive something', with all the prescribed Christian formulae (i.e. get more involved in ministry, step up bible reading, read more Christian books...) Maybe you've distracted yourself with work, relationships, hobbies... or like me, have numbed/killed all dreams, desires and passions so as not to be disappointed.

And the longing is still there!!! You know there's got to be more to your relationship with God, because you've had brief glimpses of it, for example- when you first became a Christian!

Then maybe this book would be a good read for you. It might help you discover the reason why you lost the Romance in the first place and may prove to be a helpful companion in your journey back to your First Love?

Glorious Ruins

...think for a moment about the millions of tourists who visit ancient sites like the Parthenon, the Colosseum, and the Pyramids. Though ravaged by time, the elements, and vandals through the ages, mere shadows of their former glory, these ruins still awe and inspire. Though fallen, their glory cannot be fully extinguished. There is something at once sad and grand about them. And such we are. Abused neglected, vandalised, fallen - we are still fearful and wonderful. We are as one theologian put it "glorious ruins." But unlike those grand monuments, we who are Christ's have been redeemed and are being renewed as Paul said, "day by day," restored in the love of God
Excerpt from ' The Sacred Romance, Drawing Closer to the Heart of God' by Brent Curtis & John Eldredge - Chap 7, "The Beloved" page 94

Breaking hair?

"You hair breaking… you know?"

"Huh?"!!!

I looked up at my hairdresser’s frowning face. I'd been struggling all afternoon to understand his thick Jamaican accent, and was not sure I'd heard him right.
So he repeated again more slowly

"You...hair...breaking"

"What? Where?"

I thought he'd point out one strand; instead he went...

"Here... here... here... this... whole sekshan (section)... here… here..."

I turned around, as if to see the back of my head more clearly and when this manoeuvre failed, sat in silence, digesting this information.

How can my hair break? I have dreadlocks, which means that it hasn't seen a comb or brush in almost 9 months. I always wear it loose and apart from moisturising, I hardly ever touch my hair!

When I could speak again, I asked,

"What causes breakage?"

"Donknow... could be you pregnant or could be genetic, or maybe you stress?"

Then he went on to talk about bright shiny bald patches, and how women can get them too.

"You mean I've got bald patches???"
"No, it not that bad"

Well, unless I've had the Immaculate Conception that rules out pregnancy!
Genetics - my family has full heads of hair. Bald patches if any, appear at the top and not at the back of the head (where most of the breakage is)

So that only leaves stress

What am I stressed about?

I started mentally listing all the stuff I was anxious about, and had to stop because the list was growing. Then I started feeling guilty because the Bible says in Philippians 4 that we should not to be anxious about anything, but give our concerns to God in prayer and thanksgiving. So that’s another area of personal failure- an inability to let go of worry.
Perhaps I don’t trust that God will sort stuff out. Most of my worries are caused by my fear of confrontation, procrastination, poor financial management, indiscipline. I am the root cause of all my problems and the only way to deal with it is to make positive changes on myself.

But to do this, I need moral support; just like the time at University when I was too scared to sign off at the Library because I’d lost one of my library cards. The implications of this were that the Library Supervisor could either refuse to sign me off (thus affecting my Graduation) or charge me a fee which I couldn’t pay. I remember agonising all week about it, imagining the worst case scenario, until Joanne Aniku offered to come along with me to the Library. She didn’t do anything else apart from holding and giving my hand a reassuring squeeze, but I took courage from the fact that she was there. When we got to the Library it turned out not to be a big deal, the missing library card was not even mentioned and it was all over in 5 minutes. It’s been 10 years but I’ll never forget what Joanne did for me and I owe her big time.
I give off the impression that I’m independent and self sufficient. But I’m not really. It takes a lot out of me emotionally to deal with things, and I can’t rely on God to hold my hand because He cannot; He is not a physical being!
I’m struggling in London because I don’t have a support network. My sister is not talking to me, my brother prefers not to get involved and I don’t have any close friends near by who can take time out to be there. They all live so far away
So I guess I am stressed and now my hair is breaking!!!

Easter Weekend!

Right now it is snowing! How weird is that! Last year's Easter I went roller blading (badly) in Hyde Park and the next day walking in beautiful rural Essex.

This year has been different! It's been freezing cold. On Thursday night I was having a bath, when my bathroom heater decided to conk out on me! Nothing like getting out of a warm bath into a freezing room!

The Good Friday service was beautiful. Our assistant Vicar, who used to be an actor, organised a Passion Play. This involved readings from the gospel and inviting the congregation to use their imagination and participate during the crowd scenes e.g at the Last Supper when Jesus says - "One of you is about to betray me", they all whispered, "Surely not I?" Or when the crowd shouts to Pilate to release Barrabbus, they all shouted, "Release the criminal".

The tech team helped play the sound effects - 'wind rustling in trees', 'stamping feet', 'Passion of the Christ'-like background music.

Dave, who used to be head of tech team (but hasn't fully grasped what 'stepping down' really means) was in charge. He was tired, cranky and at one point, quite short with me because I did not understand a technical term. So straight after the service I went home before I could get even more annoyed!
On the Saturday evening, Trudi and I went for the 'London Safari Newly Single' meetup in a pub in Farringdon. There were a couple of guys I really got along with- Taz from Malaysia and Suguru from Japan. Lovely guys!

Sunday morning, I opened my front door to this...

So funny to see Yati in braids! I was just so excited to see her back from her holiday in Jamaica, and to hear all the stories she had to tell! Not to mention the 63% proof Wray and Nephew rum she brought back with her -we'll be making a lot of cocktails in the near future!

The braids didn't last long - she'd taken them out by evening!

Clare and Phil hosted lunch at their place, so a group of us went over and chilled. Afterwards, I dropped in at my nephew's who greeted me with a scowl and "What are you doing here?" Clearly I should visit more often! I stayed only 10 minutes - it just felt too awkward.

To further add to the awkwardness, I found my sister Ngonzi back at the flat helping Yati with her hair. She totally blanked me when I said hello and rebuffed any efforts to start a conversation. Clearly she's decided not to forgive me (she hasn't spoken to me since September!!!) Well if she wants to be like that!

So it's been an eventful Easter with highs (the meet up, Trudi, Yati, lunch at Clare and Phil's) and lows (Dave, Immanuel and Ngonzi)

In a weird place

It's coming up to the long Easter weekend! 4 whole days off work! Yati is away on holiday. Apart from church, there is not much else to do.
Times like these make me think nostalgically about my church in Uganda -Kampala Pentecostal Church. I really miss my friends. The problem with nostalgia is that one tends to gloss over the bad bits and everything takes on a rosy haze! It wasn't ALL good, but at least it was better than St Barnabas.

Last Sunday's 5pm service was about friendship. The preacher made an interesting observation, have you ever noticed that when you walk into a Christian bookstore, you won't find any books on Friendship. In fact this was the first sermon I've heard on the subject. It is mentioned in passing in Singleness seminars, as if the subject is only relevant to Singles. The group I sat in to discuss the sermon were all married couples with children. They felt that they didn't have time to invest in friendships because of family committments. One of the guys said to me
"It must be easier for you to make friends because you are still a student"

Aside from the fact that I am not a student, it isn't!! I still find it difficult making friends at St B's.

This is how it goes...
-we meet in church on Sundays,
-at house group on Wednesdays or
-at worship practice on Thursdays.
There is no time to have conversations or build close relationships within the limited time. Also we are focussed on whatever is at hand -be it the service, bible study or worship practice.
People seem quite happy to know you within the 'church' context, but always give the impression that they are busy at any other times.
Just this morning, a guy in my House Group put on Facebook that he'd just got engaged. We've been in the same group for over 2 years and I didn't even know he had a girlfriend! See what I mean?

Maybe it is just the culture of London. People prefer to keep things impersonal- it is easier that way! The cost of a good honest solid friendship seems to outweigh the benefits.

I miss my prayer partners Mboni and Shifa; hanging out with Sharpe, Sam, Trinity, the Gospel dancers; spending nights at the Ojera's; having tea at Ricky Eyaru's or Ronnie Mananu's; having people drop in at my home; being invited to my friend's family parties. That just doesn't happen here.

Jesus told us in John 15:12 to love one another as He has loved us. It says somewhere else in John I think that the world will know that we are Christians because we love each other. This is one of the things that make us stand out from the crowd! I'm sorry, but love isn't restricted to insincere, 'How are you's? and "Fine's" said with fake smiles on a Sunday morning.

The church leadership recently introduced a 'Getting to know each other' section in the service. Questions are put up on the powerpoint to help members of the congregation have a 5 minute conversation with someone they do not know. It's a start. I don't know whether it will address the real issue. Maybe they should get us to arrange a coffee date instead of just chatting at church. That would require more effort and take people outside their comfort zones.

I've been trying to change the mindset of the people in my House Group ever since I joined. We start every year with a resolution to develop better friendships... the year goes by and then it is time again to make the same resolution. I organise about 90% of the socials. I guess I should be grateful that at least 10% gets done by the others.

I wish there was a way to bring about lasting change?

Murder Mystery Flop

I should have planned it better!

1) The food was late
2) Guests were late
3) Some of the major characters didn't even bother to show up,
4) A few guests were not really mingling and needed a lot of cajoling to get them to participate
5) The murder victim was supposed to 'die' before dinner. However he could only do this after he'd had a few confrontations with certain guests. This was difficult because said guests turned up late or didn't show!!!
The food was getting cold!
I pulled him aside and said "Sod the guests, I need you to 'die' now!!!"
He nodded as though he understood and then I saw him wandering around the room, not dying!!
So I announce to the room
"Dinner is ready, and 'Big Jim' would like to make an 'announcement'".
I nod at him meaningfully as this is his cue to start the speech, that will set off the set of events leading to his death, i.e. lights go off, a loud gunshot is heard and then he 'dies' in dramatic fashion.

Instead he threw open the shutters to the kitchen and announced to all the guests
"Dinner is ready!!"

(groan)

It all went downhill at that point!

So while the guests were eating, he decided to 'die'. Of course, at this point people were more concerned about their dinner, and consequently there was very little reaction to his 'death'

We had a couple more 'deaths' later on in the evening- still no reaction. They were a hard crowd!

And then I forgot to give the inspector the 'Evidence'

Some said they enjoyed themselves!

I felt so bad!

Where did it all go wrong! I've organised 4 of these before and they have NEVER flopped!!!!

I'll need to do this again to convince myself that I am not a failure!

Ignorance!

Sometimes you are confronted with ignorance that leaves you speechless!

At Home Group we were discussing an upcoming Besom project. Besom is a charity that helps to bridge the gap between those who want to give time, money, things or skills and those who are in need.
The guy we’ll be helping in a couple of week’s time is a widower whose wife just died from AIDS. He and his son are not coping very well.

Well, as you can imagine we were all excited, me especially because I feel as a church we need to be out there in the community helping people, instead of hiding in our ‘holy huddles’

Martin has health and safety concerns about the HIV

???

Apparently, he once had to turn down an application from a student who wanted to join his martial arts academy that had Hepatitis B, because he discovered that this could be transmitted by contact of any bodily fluid, including sweat. He concluded,

“We just don’t know enough about HIV and how it is transmitted.”

Huh?

Maybe it is because I’m from Uganda where there is an ongoing public awareness campaign about HIV. But you’d have thought that a 40+ year old, middle class Briton would not be so ignorant.

So what is he really saying? That we shouldn’t help or interact with this guy because he might have HIV?

Anyway, it’s not like as if we will be exchanging body fluids with the guy or his child? The most we’ll do is probably clean, paint and decorate- hardly the type of activity that would expose us to the virus. We wasted about 20 minutes of valuable house group time addressing this ‘issue’. There was talk about protective clothing, masks, gloves etc! All the time I was thinking “What the fuck!”
I told them
“I don’t know about any of you, but I will not be wearing protective clothing against HIV. I have interacted with people who have HIV. I have hugged them, and I don’t think I’ve got it. But if I do, then ya’ll at risk because at some point I have hugged and kissed you!”
Can you imagine how the guy would feel if we all turned wearing anti-contamination suits?
I was soooo upset!!!

Thoughts on 'Albertine'

A friend lent me Brooke Fraser’s album ‘Albertine’ named for a Rwandese orphan whose mother, during the 1994 Rwandan Genocide, laid down her life to save her daughter.

Would I lay down my life for someone? “Probably not”… self- preservation features quite high on my list of priorities.

However maybe I am not as selfish as I think. There is this time someone threatened to hit my mother with an iron bar. My brother and I stood in front of her, totally willing to take the beating. My only thought then was to protect her. So I could possibly lay down my life for someone I love.

But would I do it for someone I didn’t even know in the way that bodyguards, firemen, Aid workers in war zones, law enforcement officers etc do? Whenever they go to work they are putting their lives on the line.
I wonder how often we show them and their families’ appreciation?

Would I do it for someone who hated me? You know, like Jesus did?

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5: 6 – 8)

What about all those missionaries who go out into territories that are hostile to the Gospel? I hear about the underground church and torture stories in China, and also stuff like those South Korean missionaries who were abducted in Afghanistan last year. What is it about Christianity that makes non-Christians feel so threatened!!!

But even if I was not able to make the ultimate sacrifice (i.e. death) and instead interpreted ‘laying down your life’ as putting aside your creature comforts, time, money for the sake of someone else, could I do that?

This has been such a challenge for me. A friend with mental health problems has nowhere to stay, and has been phoning up to ask for my help in accomodating her. I don't know how to deal with her illness (even though she was sectioned, she doesn't think she is ill), besides I have no room. I told her that I couldn't put her up, but she still phones me to ask. It's got to a point where I have started screening her calls. I feel so guilty! Surely the Bible tells us to love one another, even when it is uncomfortable! But how do I show love to my friend? What would Jesus do?

I still have a very long way to becoming more like Jesus!

Oasis

I am beginning to weary of this Oasis Programme
The only thing we seem to do is talk about our personal history (strong emphasis on relationship with your parents) and analyse how this has influenced our character and impacted on our relationship with God. You go through this process with 2 others, helped along by a couple of facilitators who pray aloud for you individually.

I've opened up a lot and if I'm being honest, beginning to feel slightly resentful about letting 4 strangers (albeit well-meaning) into the intimate details of my life.
At the last meeting I told them about my decision to stop getting stressed,
"I don't really care about how good or bad my relationship with God is. It's not big deal anymore!"
There was an 'atmosphere' in the room as the facilitators exchanged glances. One of them said
"So this is how you are going to deal with your issues, deny that they exist and hope they go away"
"No, I'm just not going to think about them anymore!"
"But isn’t this how you normally deal with your problems?"
"No, I normally obsess about them, comfort eat, grow fat, steep myself in self pity, say cynical, pessimistic things and spoil everyone's day. I actually think this new approach is brilliant."

"But what about your relationship with your father"

Yes what about it? We've talked this out to death now. The way I see it, talking about it hasn't really helped now, has it? It's always going to be a distant relationship.
Really this is clutching at straws.

Then I got a whole lecture about how we are almost coming to an end and they expect to see some sort of progress. Also have I read through the book they gave me at the start by Stuart Lees, ‘Will The Real Me Please Stand Up’? One of the other girls constantly refers to it during the session and it is clear she is getting a lot out of it. The facilitators thought I hadn’t read it (I did – just hated his writing style). And then have I kept the 'optional' journal to help me process my thoughts and track my progress. Okay this one I haven’t done, because it is boring. Who writes things in ink anymore?
Afterwards when they were praying for me, one of them had a "picture" (this is an 'Anglicanism' I've never quite got used to; in Pentacostalese the word for it is "vision"). In this ‘picture’, I was holding a megaphone, the broad side of which had been taped up. Her interpretation was that she felt that my real voice was blocked and I was not expressing the real me. I looked her straight in the eye and said
"Whenever I am honest with people, I offend them. So now I tell them what they want to hear and life is easier for all of us"
I’m debating whether I should honestly tell them that I think this Oasis programme is a “waste of time” for me. Or should I just scribble something random in the journal, throw in a few things about my father; cry a little... anything to get them off my case. Make them happy.

I acknowledge that the BIG loser here is me. But there’s a point in life where you get tired of ‘believing’ that things will change. I think I've got enough “Christian morality” to get me through life. And even though my current situation is not ideal (what is ideal?), any changes will take time.
So I say “Relax and just go with the flow!”

What is it with making resolutions... and then life not falling into place to allow you to stick to them!
Now that I stopped stressing about God I've started reading my Bible. It just happened- unaccompanied by the usual call-yourself-a-Christian-and-you-don't-even-read-your-bible? You hypocrite guilt. I dug out the St B's annual reading plan, and just started reading. And I've done this daily since Friday. No profound revelations yet, but it's a start.

And then about guys.
Well... there's this one guy who is sending out STRONG "I really like you" vibes. He hasn't said anything yet and I don't want to read too much into it. But he invites me for things, asks probing questions, is interested in learning about me, my culture, life and actually remembers what I tell him (No Kemi... I don't test him). Perhaps he just wants to hang out with me as a friend...although I have been told by a mutual friend that he's 'looking'... And then my "crush" from church has started showing reluctance in bringing our conversations to a close. It's happened on a couple of occasions and feels really strange for me to be the one to end the conversation. Six months ago, I would have been prolonging the precious moment. Shame he is much younger than me!

What was the other one? Oh yes, career! Well nothing new there yet

Murder Mystery update...
Decided to have it on St Patricks' day, 17 March. One of the guys is sorting out a large venue for me. I'm making it a Tech team pre-Easter party and inviting a few people from the Worship team. Too many men though, and not enough women (An exception to church's normal rules of social engagement?). I downloaded the game from Internet today and it looks exciting!

A New Purpose

So I've decided to stop stressing out about

• where I am with God
• guys
• my career (or lack of one)

Instead I'm going to concentrate on things that I'm good at...like hospitality which I believe is one of my gifts.

Perhaps not 'long term' hospitality as in hosting guests for a month - my sister, Ngonzi, who stayed over last Summer is still traumatised by my 'hospitality' and hasn't talked to me since!!!

I think I'm good at short term stuff like... for an evening, a weekend, a week? I'm looking for the right word...

Entertaining!

That's it! Can this be classified as a spiritual gift? It is certainly something I truly enjoy and get very excited about.

This weekend, I've invited Home group around to chill, watch DVD's, eat Pizza. Which probably means that only Martin will come (sigh) I've given up on the rest. The only time they want to socialise is on 'formal' occasions and the concept of just 'chilling' is alien to them. It could be a cultural thing, or an age thing - after all I am the youngest in the group. But then again Martin is the oldest in the Group so that doesn't make sense!

I'm also thinking of putting on a murder mystery dinner party soon. I haven't hosted one in ages. Was talking about it the other day with some people in church who were up for the idea. Now all I need is 14 more.

This is exciting!!!

Alternate Realities

For last week’s home group our leader, Belinda, brought some materials and asked us to create something that portrays where we are at with God. Ann Marie, immediately started cutting out a spiral shape from card and made roses from tissue to create a 3D masterpiece. I turned to Trevor who was sitting next to me and said
“Well Trev, you’re the architect here. No pressure but…” with a meaningful nod at Ann Marie’s work… “I’m expecting greater things from you!”
It turns out that it had been a long work day for him and he was out of inspiration. At least that’s the excuse he gave me.

I made this…

I’m on the Salvation boat with all the other Christians. However, unlike them, I am not enjoying the ride. I feel very isolated because I cannot relate to them.

I also cannot see God in the boat, just other people. I think they can see God, so why can’t I?

In fact I feel like one of those dwarves in C.S. Lewis’ seventh Narnia book, “The Last Battle”.
In Chapter 13, King Tirian goes through a stable door to find a paradise that's much bigger than the stable. In this ‘Stable Paradise’ are 11 Dwarfs, who can't perceive the paradise. To them, it looks like an ordinary stable and they can only perceive sounds, smells, sights, and touches in terms of the "Stable Reality’. The wall of the stable in their reality is solid to them. However, that same wall is nonexistent to people in the "Paradise Reality", and they can see the light, smell the flowers, and eat the fruit of Paradise.
People like my friend Mary for instance. Over the last few weeks she has been sharing here about how God has brought her through a really difficult time. Her faith is still strong. She still quotes bible verses in a meaningful way- they sound more than just platitudes. She still delights in Worship music… no, not in the music…
In God!
By comparison, I’ve had relatively small trials (rejection, frustration, lack of direction etc), and feel utterly crushed by them such that my faith is hanging by a thread. A very thin thread mind, invisible to the naked eye, because you see my faith is smaller than a mustard seed –microscopic even. I feel trapped inside my ‘Stable Reality’, but unlike the Dwarves, I know that there’s more to Christianity than this. I don't know, would it be better if I didn't know.

Chinese New Year

In the early hours of Sunday morning, there was a huge blaze in Camden Lock Market. This is one of my favourite places in London, and is always on my itinerary for visiting friends. So I went down to have a look at the devastation. Didn't see much as the whole area was cordoned off and firefighters were still hard at work. There were loads of bewildered tourists milling about, and the traffic was just awful.

This man ruined my afternoon!!!

Yati and I went to Chinatown to join in the Chinese New Year celebrations. There’s one restaurant we always go to called “New World Chinese Restaurant” for Dim Sum. It is usually good, but this time there wasn’t much variety on the trolleys, the duck was cold. Ordering a bowl of steamed rice was a task in itself. The trolley staff didn't seem to know who took the orders for the rice. For about 15 minutes, we tried in vain to catch the attention of the non-trolley staff. When Yati signalled to THIS MAN, he waved his hand dismissively and brushed past. SO RUDE!! My eyes met with one of the trolley staff who looked as shocked as we did. She tried to excuse his behaviour by saying that he was crazy. Even after this, still no one was stopping at our table, so I stood up and declared repeatedly in a loud querulous voice, "We just want a bowl of steamed rice.What does it take to get a bowl of rice in this establishment"

As if by magic, the rice appeared!!!

I've worked as waitress before, and can appreciate that it does get busy sometimes, but that’s no excuse to be rude to paying customers. Never again!

The fireworks at Leicester Square were obscured mainly by the large fig trees and resultant smoke. Not as spectacular as you would expect for a Chinese New Year Celebration. I think next year I’ll give the whole thing a miss!

Touring London

Oh oh! I'm an alien. I'm a legal alien, I'm a Ugandan in London!!!! Last weekend, Yati and me visited Borough Market for brunch! Winter is probably not the best time to go there, but in spite of the freezing cold there were lots of people there. We ended up eating fish and chips. One of the stalls was selling jams and preserves. The rhubarb and ginger jam was particularly yummy! For Harry Potter fans, there is a doorway from a scene in the third film, 'The Prisoner of Azkabhan'
The entrance into the British Museum definintely has WOW factor. It has a lovely latticed ceiling in the lobby that simply takes your breath away.

This is me outside the British Museum, sporting a new hat that I bought for a £1

The Egyptian room was kind of interesting. Yati striking a Japanese tourist pose. I think this was the Persian room

This room has large Egyptian sculptures. Looked more impressive in the film, The Mummy.

I'm glad that it is free of charge to get into the Museum, because I would feel absolutely gutted if I had to pay money for this.

On a jollier (is that correct?) note....

Periods arrived yesterday, so this has thrown some light on why I was feeling so depressed.

PMS!!!

It really does affect me emotionally. I remember a friend at Uni, used to have a go at me whenever I had PMS, saying "You don't have to give into the negative emotions. You can fight it!" A few years later, I heard that this same friend was undergoing serious clinical depression. My vindictive side wanted to phone her and say "Aha!" (I didn't... but really wanted to)

If only there was some way to predict when I get PMS. Maybe if I recognised that I was going through it, I'd plan to avoid company, or stop blogging...
The thing is, I never know when it will hit me because my periods are soooo irregular. I used to have them at the middle of the month, then at the end, now I have them at the beginning of the month!

Perhaps I could use the Natural Rhythm method.
I remember learning about it in my Catholic High School. It is based on three ideas.

1. Firstly, that women ovulate 14 days before menstruation begins, give or take two days.
2. Secondly, that sperm can survive inside a woman for three days.
3. And lastly, that an egg can only be fertilized within 24 hours of being released from the ovaries.

Based on these assumptions, the rhythm method requires a woman to count back 14 days from the first day of her period. This will presumably be the day on which she ovulated. In order to avoid pregnancy, she will need to abstain from sex (if she is a 'good' Catholic.... try saying "No" to a horny husband!) or for the rest of us, use another form of birth control.

Come to think of it, assuming that married people don't have sex when a woman is in her periods (yuck....GROSS), does this mean that they only do it for just ONE week of the month?
Hmm...somehow marriage doesn't seem so appealing after all...
On the other hand, that's 12 weeks more sex than I'm having so... not bad at all!!!!

Obviously the system is not 100% reliable. The presence of large Catholic families (including mine) is testament to this. In my whole lifetime (32 years), I have only met ONE woman for whom the rhythm method has actually worked!

I'll probably never use it, with my 'shifting' periods.

So I can't predict my PMS!

Oh bother!

Frustrated!

Yesterday I broke down at my fortnightly Oasis prayer meeting. The whole evening, tears had been welling up in my eyes, and I’d been chiding myself with a phrase my mother uses often

“Everyone has problems. No one wants to hear about your problems. So brace yourself and just get on with your life”

When it came to my turn to share my prayer requests, I couldn’t speak, and sat there sobbing.
I just feel overwhelmed with life. I am the author of my own misery because I keep putting off doing things that I need to do and now life feels like a huge tray marked “Urgent, pending”. The pile keeps growing and growing!

There are all these things that need doing around the house. My car has started making this strange sound in the engine whenever I turn the wheel. My friend has assured me that a vital element in the engine has worn away, and replacing it will cost more than the value of the car. I need to get some spare parts from scrap yard, but too scared to go there on my own. My flat needs a lot of essential repair work – replacing extractor fans, cooker and storage heaters. I don’t feel confident enough to deal with tradesmen, especially after I was ripped off by the guy who tiled my bathroom floor last year (he was recommended by a friend!!!) There are some accessories that need putting up in the bathroom, and I don’t have a drill that can do the work. Even if I did, I wouldn’t know how to do it because it involves drilling through the tiled wall.

In Uganda, there were always the guys from church or my mom would find and deal with the tradesmen for me. In England, it isn’t as easy to ask for help. I’m not comfortable asking the guys in my home group- we jsut don't have that kind of relationship. My brother isn’t particularly helpful and has a busy life. I’d have to nag him to do anything, and don’t really feel comfortable nagging, especially as beggars can’t be choosers.

So I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and alone!

Sexy Mama's!!!

Towards the end of last year, Yati and I impulsively signed up for burlesque dance classes.

A few days later, I was horrified when I overheard Yati trying to explain what burlesque was to a few members of my Barnabas Home Group. I deliberately had not told them about it (for obvious reasons). Martin didn’t even know what ‘burlesque’ meant (Probably pretending?) and wanted a demonstration.
Yati…“It’s kind of like ball room dancing, Latin style, that kind of thing…”
“Ohhhh!”
Hmm!
When I tell other people about my interest in burlesque (you know the ones who aren’t so holy), their first question is,
“Like Dita Von Teese?” (one of the most famous Modern Burlesque dancers)
“Urm… nooo… I was thinking more like PussyCat Dolls”
Okay PCD aren’t strictly burlesque, but they used to be- before they became world famous. And they look so sexy. I can just see myself doing that.
I just love the costumes, the confidence, femininity ( did I spell that right?)

Anyway went along to our first class last Monday. There were about 20 of us there so didn’t feel too daunting. Sharon, our instructor, had sent us an email beforehand telling us what to wear - any top and shorts . Or you could wear hot pants with a skirt, high heels… Yati wore hot pants, shorts AND a skirt. I just got some shorts.
In the class we practiced the sexy walk with Attitude, hip thrusts, shimmying, working the boa (lovingly through your fingers...) dancing with large ostrich feather fans (strippers use these to tease and open up to reveal), sitting sexily on a chair, steamy facial expressions. I felt a bit silly but damn I looked sexy!
Next week we will be learning how to take our stockings off in 4 different ways. And Sharon has asked us to wear opera gloves – don’t know what we’ll be doing with those. And in the last 10 minutes of the class, we’ll be learning how to swing tassels from our boobs.
“Some of you are shy and may not want to get all your kit off, so you can stick them over your bra”
Yati and I looked at each other. That would be us then.

I am really excited about the Pole dancing which commences in week 4.

Soon we’ll be ‘strutting our stuff’ like the PussyCat Dolls!
Doncha!!!

Weaknesses

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:7 - 10 NIV)

Yesterday the negative side of my melancholic personality took over. I occasionally have dark spells, and this time, rather than inflict it on my work colleagues; I thought I’d take the day off as Annual Leave, stay at home and feel sorry for myself.
I cried…read my bible, played my guitar...had breakfast… cried…prayed to God…cried… listened to Joyce Meyer’s ‘Confidence, Freedom To Be Yourself’ teaching series on CD…laughed…and then cried! In a frenzy, I de-junked, cleaned, vacuumed and polished my flat. Went out to the library and borrowed ‘Miss Potter’…watched it and…you guessed it… CRIED! At this point, the English would say in their typically dry fashion

“So a lot of crying then?”

A friend called and this really lifted my spirits. I felt loved again.

The day really brought me a revelation… or rather it highlighted one of my major weaknesses.

I am an extremely NEEDY person- constantly in need of reassurance, or for a sense of belonging. One of my Love languages according to Dr Gary Chapmans’ Five Love Languages is Quality time which means that I feel loved when people choose to spend time with me, invite me to events, call or email, include me in their lives…
When I don’t get this, my initial reaction is to interprete it as rejection. To protect myself, I withdraw from relationship with those who I think do not love me anymore.

I know… totally irrational!

Of course I recognise that people can’t always be there for me in the way that I want them to. The 'weight of expectation' can be overly demanding and will drive (and has driven) close friends away. People have different ways of expressing love and I acknowledge that… in my head.

I think it's important to recognise and accept your weaknesses, not live in secret frustration and self deception. We should be like participants of Alcoholics Anonymous who at their meetings introduce themselves as "Alcoholics". The first step in dealing with a problem is to acknowledge that you have it.

Whenever I feel rejected, I go into a kind of mourning period and say before God that, "Right now I am hurt, I feel unloved. I know this is not true, but this is how I feel"
I allow His Holy Spirit to reason with me, until what I know in my head translates into my heart. I'd like to say that this all happens in a short space of time. Sometimes it can take days, months, years...

I used to pray for God to take away my weaknesses , and would sing along with that Hillsong song

"Lord I've come to know, the weaknesses I see in me will be stripped away by the Power of Your Love"

But will He strip them away in this lifetime? That would be GREAT! Marvelous, Fantastic even! But I don't think God will take away our weaknesses while we are here on earth. So we need to stop beating ourselves up about them. These flaws are in-built and are a reminder of our human fallibility. Everytime we come face to face with our weaknesses, let it be our cue to draw closer to God

Praise be to God for His wonderful grace and whose strength is made perfect in our weakness.

New Years Eve!

Excitement at the beginning of the evening!! In my Arabian Nights (Princess Jasmine) costume and Cher wig

This was taken after cocktail number 2 and again!

Yati beginning to nod off after Cocktail number 3

What is this? What is this? It's not even midnight!!!

So here's the person I saw in the New Year with! Asleep at a quarter to 12!!!

Happy New Year Everybody!

Reviewing 2007

One of my 2007 resolutions was to make my relationship with God a priority

I signed up for an intense counselling/prayer 12 week programme at my church called Oasis which, according to the label, helps identify and deal with areas that are preventing me from having a close relationship with God. It is a very emotional process, characterised by a lot of tears, painful memories and repentance. I realised that I had a distorted image of God as Father, based on my relationship with my earthly father, and did not really trust Him. Being a person who sees everything in ‘black and white’ it is difficult for me to have a balanced perspective of God. He loves me profoundly, but this means that He loves me too much to leave me unchanged and in bondage to sin. This ‘tough love’ aspect terrified me and resulted in me spending less time in personal prayer or even reading the Bible, lest He highlighted yet another thing I had to change or do. I just thought I was never good enough, so full of sin and bad habits, and if I listened to God I would receive endless criticism of the “why-can’t-you-be-like-so-and-so” variety. So I dealt with it by avoiding Him. Even as I type this, I get emotional, a sure indicator that I haven’t been fully set free in this area
Another issue was my physical appearance. All my female relatives are feminine and beautiful and for a long time I felt plain and ugly in comparison. Through the Oasis programme, I’ve changed the way I view myself.

I am beautiful.

Oh some times I revert and feel intimidated by beautiful women, but I’ve learnt how to recognise that they just have a different kind of beauty to mine. After all, a rose looks different from a tulip or a dahlia, but they are all beautiful flowers! I never thought I’d say that about myself. And this confidence has translated into the way I carry myself, dress or exercise and interact with people.

This was going to be a post about my New Years resolutions, but it’s become too long, so I’ll save that for the next