Job Hunting

The person who was supposed to allocate me work assumed I didn't need any (Don't know what gave her that impression???) So I've been sitting here trying to look busy! This is part of the 'busy-ness'

The longer I stay in this job, the more I realise that I honestly do not give a damn about my company and it's objectives. I see people all around me like my manager who do!
There was a time when I was keen on getting ahead in the company - but my enthusiasm died when I realised that there are no opportunities to move into the sections that interested me. When job application upon application were rejected, I realised that I have become too specialised. Stuck!! There are opporunities within my section to progress, but the last time there was a job trawl, my manager and colleagues could not understand why I did not go for promotion. I'm just not interested in carving out a career path in my current work area.

The time has come to leave my company! There's more to a job than just paying bills. I've got to have satisfaction, fulfiment, a sense that I am making a difference in this world.

Someone asked me the other day 'What is marketable about you?" It really got me thinking. What IS marketable about me?

I can be quite shy, and cannot seem to meet any deadlines that involve writing reports. But I have a pleasant character and build up good rapport with most people that I meet in person. If I believe strongly in something, I can be quite persuasive. And even though I do not often come up with new ideas, I enthusiastically support people who do! I am a good listener and have great empathy for the suffering. I like trying out new stuff - the more extraordinary the more appealing it is to me. I can work in a team or independently - quite flexible really. I am a fast reader, have good memory and learn practical things really fast! I like organising events and bringing people together.

So quite marketable, but WHERE??

Ideally I would like to work either within the Entertainment industy or Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR). In my company CSR is closed...really...vacancies hardly come up and I don't know anyone there to start networking. So I have to look elsewhere!

I'll start researching into the different companies. Ideally it would be the corporate social responsibility section of a large entertainment company?
Perhaps I should step up my volunteering activities and work it from that angle?

I need something to hold on to!

I had a disagreement with someone the other week which sent me into a spiral of depression. One of my many faults is that I am deeply sensitive. I get emotional, irrational, suicidal...
Suicide is only successful when you act immediately. If you pause to think about it, or something interrupts the flow you will most likely not go through with it.
I remember the first time I attempted suicide, I tried to slit my wrists but the knife was too blunt. I lost momentum
The second time was almost successful. I tried to hang myself. I stood on a chair, looped the rope around the beam; kicked the chair away, but the rope couldn't take the weight and it broke. My siblings who were in the house heard and came out- saw what had happened and started laughing at me. My mom did not see the humourous side and took me for Confession to save my soul. I was a Catholic then.
I've been reading about the lives of English female writers who committed suicide like Virginia Woolf who put stones in her pockets and drowned herself in the river Ouse, near her Sussex home and Sylvia Plath who took a bottle of sleeping pills and stuck her head in a gas oven.

I know that I will not die by way of suicide.
True, I've thought about it several times, but there's something that always makes me pause and ask
1) Are you sure there is absolutely no hope?
2) Are things really as bad as they seem?
3) Do you want to leave your family and friends with this legacy?

Perhaps it is God speaking to me in those moments? I don't know. What I do know is that the hesitation is long enough to make me realise that
1) My situation isn't the worst
2) There is no such thing as a completely hopeless situation
3) Suicide is selfish

To beat depression Christianity has prescribed confessing positively, citing Scripture, binding demons, focussing on others. But these things take time and I guess I don't have enough patience . Like many, I seek a quick fix solution to my problems. Yesterday on TV, I watched in fascination as, Paul McKenna through hypnosis cured a woman of her 20 year fear of show jumping.

I wish I could wave a magic wand over my circumstances...
In an instant I would become beautiful, popular, significant

But the God that I've thrown my lot in with, does not do 'quick fix' .
Everything has to be worked at, everything takes time - something that my impatient soul finds hard to take

AFRO vs DREADLOCKS

I am trying to decide whether to start growing dreadlocks 'Rasta' style or not! Last weekend I put in temporary 'locks' using gel, to get a feel for what I would look like with them.
If I do decide to go ahead with it, I will use 'beeswax' which is permanent! Meaning if I ever grow tired of the dreads, the only way to get rid of them would be to shave off ALL my hair!!!!!

It's a BIG DECISION!

Afro -Pros

1) Shows I'm proud of my African roots
2) I can go swimming without worrying about messing up an expensive hair style

Cons

1) High maintenance -I have to plait my hair EVERY night so that it's soft and pliable enough to comb through the next day. Then it takes AGES to put into shape!

2) I can't wear a hat, lean against anything or walk in very strong wind because it knocks it out of shape!

3) Bits of my hair scattered all over the flat

Dreadlocks- Pros

1) Shows I'm proud of my African roots

2) Very low maintenance- run fingers through hair - and go!

3) Associated with creative hippy types (I think I am one...)

Cons

1) An Unfortunate association with Rastafarians

2) Can't wear hat (none big enough)

3) Can be messy and therefore not very professional!

4) The first 2 months, I am not supposed to wash my hair so that it locks into place. This can be quite smelly!

I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!

Parla Italiano?

This year for my birthday I am making another pilgrimage to my beloved Italy! Yati has found some cheap flight deals for June! We'll hire a car and spend a week touring wine country! Throw in a couple of handsome guys and we are set!!!

This time I've decided to do something different! Learn how to speak Italian!!!

Last year in Venice I learnt how to ask very basic questions like how much? (Quanto?) Where is? (Dove?). This was great, but the person I was asking would reply in a rapid torrent of Italian- stopping mid flow at the look of complete bewilderement on my face

'Non ho capito?" (You don't understand?)
"Non capisce!" (Not a chance in hell I got that!)

I bought 'Italian for Dummies' but it was a bit heavy on grammar so I exchanged it for a simpler one called 'Teach Yourself Italian - Italian Starter Kit' which claims that I can learn how to speak basic Italian in just 7 weeks. This morning I learnt...

Andiamo a Italia? (Let's go to Italy)
Mi piace l'Italia. Il solo, il mare. il vino...(I like Italy. The sun, the beaches, the wine...)
Andiamo a Venezia in Aprile! (Let's go to Venice in April)

Not bad! And all from memory! I'm off to a good start!

Survived Valentines...

Such a relief that is has finally come and gone! Despite previous post (numbing myself) I did pray that God would give me a date on Valentines.

Nothing happened!

The cinema called me in the afternoon to ask whether I was available to work since they were short staffed
"No I can't... I've got plans"
I didn't elaborate that the 'plan' was to show up at the cinema with my mates to watch a film for free. That scuppered that one!
So when I got home, I lit candles all aorund the living room and read 'Adrian Mole- The Cappuccino Years' - at least I had a good laugh!

The day before I'd sent an email to my sister - pouring my heart out about my feelings of rejection at this time of the year. She came back with a slap in my face exhorting me to be more proactive by doing something with my friends instead. I'VE BEEN PROACTIVE FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS OF MY LIFE!!!! Give me a break!

But you know... the grass is greener on the other side

I asked my married friends what their Valentines Day plans were. The majority HAD NO PLANS! Even the newly weds!

"It's expensive. Why waste £100 on just one day!"
"February the 14th isn't the only day in the year when we can celebrate our love" (neither is Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day...)
"He doesn't do flowers or cards"

The general impression is that for them Valentines day is no big deal. I bet when they first started dating it WAS!

Where has all the romance gone?
Makes me think. Do we Singles place too much stock on Valentines Day?

On another note:

My church House Group volunteered to cook the Alpha course supper on Tuesday. It was really fun and the punters seemed to like the food. Especially one of the guys who I find particularly attractive. He's got lovely olive skin, dark hair, long eyelashes, athletic body (broad shoulders, narrow waist) beautiful smile and plays the piano beautifully! I've always admired him from afar but have never said a word to him. I was serving the food and he came up for seconds saying he really LOVED it! Music to a chef's ears! He later came into the kitchen to personally thank us again for a wonderful supper 'The best I've had on this Alpha course"

I just stood there grinning like an idiot!

The next day I was bemoaning this fact to my friend and confidante Simon (expert on all 'Men' affairs) and he says
"If a guy you like compliments something you do - TALK to him...... at least you could hint that if you like it that much I'll make it just for you someday, if he supplies the wine!!!"

Maybe the 'numbing' isn't such a bad idea after all!!

Valentines Day Looming

Valentines Day is good for business. I hear this is the busiest and most profitable time for florists, card shops and chocolatiers. Restaurants have been booked out and in my local Tesco, the seasonal Valentines Day aisle has made a reappearance.
There's just no getting away from it!
London Christians recently invited speaker Debbie Maken who wrote Getting Serious about Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness . I really wanted to attend her seminar. But to be honest, it was not to listen to Debbie. I just wanted to meet available single Christian guys. At the last minute I decided not to go. And with good reason. All the Singles events I've been to, there's always too many women and too few men. What would be my chances of standing out in the crowd and meeting somebody? Debbie commented on her blog

'What struck me more at both talks was the ratio of Christian single women to men. I had sixty attendees at the first talk, and double that at the second. Both times, it looked like there was a 3:1 or 4:1 female to male ratio. It was disturbing on many levels because even though most all of the men attendees told me that my book had inspired them to be serious about getting their affairs in order and pursuing a wife, it was plainly evident that there would still be a large number of single women left holding the bag. As we all know, I refuse to redefine their unwanted single state as something more glamorous than what it is, I refuse to flatter them and tell them that they are whole single people when they very well know that they are not, and I refuse to tell them that church work or something else will make up for the lack of a spouse and family. So, what now in this modern conundrum?'

I've decided to numb myself to the whole singles/ relationships thing. Much like the same way I’ve numbed myself to shoes. I never find any that I like that fits. Whenever I go shopping, to avoid disappointment, I don't even look at or go into shoe stores. I've got to be the only person on earth who doesn't buy her own shoes. My sisters do that for me - after they've grown sick of seeing me in the same shoes for 3 - 4 years! I'm still good for another year! ;-)
It’s the same with guys. The ones I like don't like me! And the ones I don't like, like me. The Security guard at work was chatting me up yesterday. Gave me his whole life history and his future plans! Said that he is from Ghana and his family don't mind if he married someone who wasn't Ghanaian - like from Nigeria, England… Uganda! He was ok – a bit on the short side (5’5) A supply teacher – maths and is looking for a full time job now so that he can stop doing security work. I was polite. I went 'umm, arm, how interesting!' NOT
He asked if I was free to go out on a date. “‘Unfortunately’ I work 7 days a week mornings and evenings.” Okay I lied a bit, but don’t want to encourage him. He is not interesting enough to date! How can I explain this! I like guys who are different! Who are unique and march to the beat of their own drum; whose list of interests and hobbies is wider than just football! I’m now convinced that such a person does not exist for me and rather than just ‘settle’ I might as well just numb myself to it
And what better time to practice than on Valentines Day!

Baby Steps...

Spiritually I am feeling more optimistic.
Last Sunday I hooked up for lunch with Laura from church. I knew her from the choir in my old Pentecostal days. We've agreed to meet up once a month to pray together and charter our spiritual progress. She’s quite spiritual – every second word from her mouth is straight out of the bible... verbatim. Hopefully it will rub off on me!
I also bought a new bible and a daily devotional guide . It's early days, but I have been studying it every morning for the last 3 days.
So going well!

Salvation not guaranteed?

At the moment, I am weary of all things Christian, the jargon, the songs, the Bible…

I am literally going through the motions hoping that if I stay inside the 'loop', maybe something will come along and ignite my enthusiasm. As they say of the Lottery, 'You've got to be in it to win it'

One of my closest friends Sheila is reading a book called ‘Heaven Is So Real’, by Choo Thomas. She is on a real spiritual high! My curiosity took me to the author’s website. There was the usual jargon, and then I got to one line that started a chain of thought...

‘Remember, none of our salvations are secure until the end. We must do our best while we have a chance.’

Coming from a deeply religious background, I’d lived many years in permanent guilt. No matter how hard I tried, I could never sustain a good genuine Christian life. Even when my behaviour was all correct, there were still all those sinful inner thoughts. To me God was ‘Big Brother’ who logged everything I did wrong and getting into heaven relied heavily on the status of my Sin’s Balance sheet.
The way things were looking; there was no chance (excuse the pun) in Hell that I’d get to heaven!

Then I heard the good news! Jesus paid the price by dying on the cross to save me. All I had to do was accept that this was true for me and I was sorted! There was no catch, just believe

“What about this good deeds stuff?”
“The Holy Spirit will come to live in you, and will change you from the inside. You’ll find that your desire to do wrong things will start to fade away”

No other religion offered such guarantees and so I threw in my lot with the Christians!

I can’t tell you how relieved I was. It felt like a burden had been lifted and I was now free to live secure in the knowledge I am loved of God and that He would take me to heaven when I died!

It WAS a good deal!

You see security is very important to me! I’ve had so little of it in my life! I don’t trust people or things easily. To trust someone I’ve never seen or heard… TO TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD… is a big step for me.

I don’t like signing up to things only to discover that the rules have been changed, or that there was some small print that I wasn’t told about!

Of course there is the ‘you reap what you sow’ principle in Christianity whereby all behaviour, good or bad, has consequences. I understand that this applied to my time while on earth as a part of every day living
But not on the SALVATION thing! I believed that to be a DEFINITE, a NON NEGOTIABLE that could not be affected by anything I said or did!

What’s the point then in being a Christian if my salvation, according to Choo Thomas, is down to my behaviour? That means I’ll never make it! No one can make it! Why would God raise my expectations only to dash them to the ground! It just goes so totally against the grain of His character to break His word. (At least from what I’ve read about Him in the Bible)

If I can’t trust God, then what’s the point of life?

What will the Bazungu think of next?

Everyone I showed this picture to thought it was a wind up, probably something set up by Channel 4. Michelle at work said

"You'll go in, then some guy will pop out from behind the counter and say, 'Smile you're on Candid camera"

Yati and I decided to do a bit of investigating. Just before we entered we checked for any hidden camera men, TV Vans... that kind of thing...

All Clear (Mission Impossible theme music)

First thing you notice is the wet doggy smell (urghh). I whipped out my camera and started taking photos. Yati (the look out) was giggling nervously. There were 2 basins, hoses on either side with a set of instructions above them. Vending machines dished out gloves, soap, treats for £3 a pop (pricey!!!).

The most interesting thing was the 'Pee pole' in one corner where dogs can take a leak, and then owners flush it!!

So what if they want to do a 'Number 2?'

Just as we were about to make our getaway, a girl came out from the back door. I checked to see that she was not being followed by a TV crew before asking, "How is business?" "Great" "Tee hee hee hee"(Yati)

It is a weird concept, but it is clearly working.

Innovative...

Different...

I wish I'd thought of that!!!

Cheer Up!

As a melancholic I am pessimistic by nature and tend to focus on the darker side of life. Almost like Marvin from Douglas Adams, 'Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy' (ok not as bad). You know in the movies when the hero is in a tight situation, there's always the one whimpering in the corner saying
'It's no use! We are all going to die!!!'

That would be me!

Come to think of it, Marvin was abandoned by the group because they found him really depressing!

The other day a customer at the restaurant asked me to read an inscription 'OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE'

Me: "Opportunity is no where"
Customer: "No read it again!"
Me: "Opportunity is no where" (privately thinking 'Idiot! Doesn't he know I've got other customers to serve?)
Customer: ' Nooooo, read it again... slowly!'
Me, "Opportunity is"... penny drops... "NOW HERE?"

You see?

The thing is, people who complain really BUG me! But is that because they remind me of myself!
In Britain there is this culture of complaining (or moaning as we call it) and people find it all so...normal! If someone is too cheerful and optimistic, there is an automatic assumption that they are either naive or insincere. You almost feel that it is your duty to burst their bubble or expose them for what they really are! The kind of humour I like (and most Brits) is sarcastic or very satirical in nature. But if you look at it really closely - isn't that just negativity dressed up in clever words?

Life has been going great for me! Some people would count me as VERY lucky - especially fellow Ugandans! So why then is my cup still half empty?
... the debt; poor track records with relationships; a dead end job; the fact that I own only 40% of my flat...
When I should actually be thankful that at least I've got credit facilties and TIME to pay off the debt. And even though I don't have a boyfriend, I've still got very good friends. At least I have a job and a roof over my head!

Perspective!

I'm really trying this year to focus on the bright side of life! Obviously means I will be much quieter - especially when I feel the urge to complain! Bite my tongue when I come across those annoyingly optimistic people and try to join in with the cheer instead of giving my negative take on things. I will also give myself loads of pep talks in a bid to drive away those negative thoughts!

Let's see how long I can sustain it. After all old habits die hard... (and the pessimism's just made a reappearance)

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Never Give Up

My 6 year old niece said something very profound to me last weekend. I’d been struggling to open one of those little balls dispensed out of vending machines located mostly at amusement arcades and outside off licences. This is supposed to be a KIDS toy, but is sooooo hard to open! After 10 minutes of struggling with a knife, my teeth and all other implements I could get my hands on – including waitress, I handed it back to my niece saying, "I am defeated! I can’t open it!”

She refused to take it saying, “Aunty Kim, Never give up!”

I looked at her in shocked surprise and she repeated, “Never give up!”

With a renewed sense of determination, I grabbed the ball back and, Hey Presto opened it like in 10 seconds!

Sometimes kids can speak such wisdom. I’m not saying my niece is the new King Solomon – so please don’t flock to my door in search for the answer to all life’s questions. She was probably repeating by rote something she has heard from her Mom.
My sister is like that! The tenacious one. Probably explains why she is the most successful in our family! I’ve seen it in her education, projects, work ethic, businesses, and her kids! She’d keep pushing at something and only give up if it was beyond repair or completely dead!
She inspires me!
Perhaps this is something to start 2007 with! Never Give up!

Looking back at 2006...

1. I was introduced to blogging
2. I took up weekly Salsa dance classes and made it to Intermediate level. Next year I intend to progress to Advanced level.
3. I put on so much weight - went up to Size 18. However, joined Slimming World in May, lost 10 pounds and a few more while on holiday. By November I could fit into my old clothes (Size 16) again. However since Christmas they're beginning to feel a little tight!!!! I have purchased a Lateral Thigh Trainer which I intend to use regularly. One of my new years resolutions is to stop eating chocolate, sweets, crisps and biscuits. The aim is to get down to Size 14
4. Relationships - I took a risk, really stuck out my neck here and stepped out of my comfort zone. I went Speed dating and even put my profile on dating websites. Met and fell for a couple of guys who were not really into me! They both have girlfriends now and are very happy. I was crushed!
5. My best childhood friend, Eddie died! The lowest point of my year! This made me evaluate all existing friendships and gave me the push I needed to totally break free from a negative relationship!
6. I went on a round the world trip - to East, Central and South Africa, Australia, New Zealand and South East Asia.
7. Went into huge debt to finance aforementioned trip, so when I got back I found part time work as a waitress to pay it off. I have experienced God's generosity through the people around me.
8. Made friends with some really cool people this year through blogging and on my travels
9. Was finally Chief Bridesmaid for one of my closest friends'. I wore I bright scarlet dress and looked absolutely stunning!
10. Didn't make much progress with my relationship with God. This shall be my priority in the New Year.

Waitressing

Gary called and asked whether I would like to have a go at waitressing. I warned him that I had no previous experience, but he brushed it aside,

"You're smart, you'll pick it up"

First day went ok! My job is to wait on tables and take telephone orders. It's quite a challenge juggling all the bits. I have to be polite to the customers and make sure I don't spill any food on to them, placate the temperamental chef, enter items correctly on the till, make sure the music is always playing, answer the phone before it rings 4 times, check that the toilets are clean...

I've made a few mistakes- I charged 8p for drinks instead of £8, but this was easily rectified. It helped that the customers were good sports! I also received good tips- about £25 in total - for just one evening!!! Must be doing something right!

The cinema also called me in for a group interview. It was going great until the interviewer went around the room asking us for our ages

"18",

"22",

"19".

I took a deep breath... "31!"

Shocked gasps all around the room and thought to myself 'that's it, I haven't got the job!' I was a bit surprised when I got a call asking me to go in for a second interview.

The age issue came up

"Most people who work here are aged between 19 and 26, and you're... er... what..er?"

"31?"

"Yes! Don't you think you'll have a problem fitting in?"

"Look at me.. if I hadn't told you my age, how old would you think I was?"

"In your 20's... but that's not the point. Your age kind of shows when you talk. There's a difference between looking a certain age and acting it?"

"Yes. But I don't think I'd have a problem fitting in. I get along with everyone"

So we left it at that, but towards the end of the interview it came up again,

"Most of the supervisers and managers are 19 or 20 years. Would you have a problem taking orders from them?"

Now whose age and inexperience is showing up in the way they talk!

I assured her that in a professional working environment, I would respect the authority in place.

I still don't think I'll get the job. At least I've got the waitressing job!

The Money Issue and Sacrifice

I finally landed myself a part time job. Found it on Gumtree a few weeks ago, sent off the application by email and then heard nothing. I’d resigned myself to the fact that I would not find anything this side of Christmas having been rejected for sales assistant positions by 3 major department stores. Couldn’t get past those bloody psychometric tests.

Then the call came.

“Hi Kim, are you still interested in that part time delivery job you applied for on Gumtree”
“Oh YES!!!”
“I know it’s short notice, but can you start tonight, 6.30?”

As soon as I got to the restaurant, Gary, the owner, flung a bag at me saying
“Oh. Here you are. You can make this delivery” He opened the till and gave me some change. I could have easily taken the food, money and done a runner! I got a ₤1 tip on my first delivery. Yey! Made 4 more deliveries that night and at the end of it, the chef made me a meal. Got paid cash! Not bad! Although when I was leaving, Gary mentioned that the normal delivery guy was coming back next week, so they probably wouldn’t need me.

Shucks!

Still I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I earned any money at all. In my culture, it is customary for children to honour their parents by giving them their first salary. I don’t know but it just felt right for me to honour God this way. A tough decision to make because you see I really need the money. My overdraft is ₤720 and credit card debt just over ₤1,300. To some people this doesn’t seem like a lot, but to me, unaccustomed to debt, it’s HUGE. In addition to this I’ve got bills to pay and the salary coming in at the end of the month just won’t cover them…
Then I remembered the story in 2 Samuel 23:13 – 17, where David’s men, at great cost, got him some water he’d been longing for. David refused to drink the water but poured it out as an offering to God, saying that only God was worthy of such sacrifice.
I was also reminded of the time in Luke 21: 1 – 4, when Jesus commented on the widow’s offering, saying that even though she had given so little, she had put in more than the people who had given out of their wealth, because she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.

God is pleased with personal sacrifice that honours Him.

I must admit that my situation is different to that of the widow. I’ve had a lot of financial support from my family and friends. I am only worried that they might grow weary of me. Or that the bank will suddenly call in the overdraft- then I’d really be up shit creek without a paddle!
So my giving that ₤25 in the offering was not only just to honour God, but also to tell Him that I will trust Him. He’s shown me in numerous ways that He’s got my back. I guess we all need to go through times such as these to fully appreciate Him.

The Money Issue and Vulnerability

As some of you may know, my wallet was stolen at the beginning of my 3-month round the world trip. I phoned up my bank and credit card company to stop the cards and ask them to send me replacements.
They both refused to send them to me in Uganda, stating that Company policy was that replacements are only sent to the customer's UK address. I reasoned, begged and tried to touch the sympathetic chord which I am now convinced does not exist in any of the financial institutions of the UK. They wouldn’t budge. Fortunately, Fredrik was staying at my flat at the time - so he sent my debit card by courier.
My original plan had been to use the credit card for all expenses, so that when I returned to the UK in November, I’d transfer the debt to a 0% interest card and spread the repayments over the year. Instead I was forced to use my debit card to pay for everything. Things were tight! Despite extreme 'frugality' (is that a word?) I still amassed a massive overdraft which unfortunately cannot be transfered on to a 0% card.

So I am stuffed!
In all this, God has overwhelmed me with generosity from all quarters- my flatmate Yati, family, friends and even my work colleagues. I am now relying on others to provide for me - even the basics... I no longer have the luxury of being proud. It's like God is deliberately stripping away all the protective layers that I've built over the years by putting me in a position where I NEED people to survive. For some reason, when I was abroad, it was easy to ask for help. But at home it's so much harder because this is where I'm always in control - especially with my finances.

This is new territory for me! I can't say I enjoy being here, but I am learning a valuable lesson – that it is okay to show my vulnerability

Time for a Career Change?

The other day I was admiring the quality of writing on my friends’ blogs. They blog about real issues that really connect with their audience
My writing doesn’t even come close! But then again my friends are journalists. Writing is their craft!

I don’t have a craft!

31 years old and still do not know what do with my life!!!

The problem with being an all rounder is that I’m a Jack-of-all-trades and Master of none. I’ve always hated being tied down to just the one thing. My friend Emily would say it’s because I’m a Gemini. I start things, get bored and move on to the next thing; which I start, get bored, and move on to the next

Start, Bored, Next…

I’m bored with my job.

The only thing that has been consistent in my life has been reading. What career can I possibly make out of that? Librarian? Bookseller?
Do I have the guts to go back a step to change careers? For librarian, I’d have to go back to school and learn whatever it is librarians learn. On second thoughts, the librarian at my local library is sooooo stereotypical– nervous, mousy woman with big purple-rimmed glasses.
Hmm, not sure I want to do that!

The only other option is bookseller. But they earn so little. How would I pay my mortgage? Bills?

Why do I have to have a career?

Why wasn’t I born into a rich family? Why wasn’t I born with stunning good looks to net me a rich husband? You know, the kind that’s old fashioned enough to not want his wife to work?

Optimistic?

Okay, it hasn't been great on the job hunting front!

My timing is out of whack! Christmas recruiting season is over.

Most of the companies these days are giving psychometric tests as part of the application process. I'm not very good at these.
All I want is a simple, no brainer job and I just think that psychometric tests for a position of general assistant (replenishing stock from warehouse to shop floor) is abit over the top? I got turned down flat by Marks & Spencer and I think I got a few questions wrong in the Sainsbury's test. Won't hold my breath for a call back!

I've put in a few more applications for casual bar work, deliveries, and sales assistants which I will be following up this weekend!

I need a miracle!

Back to London!

This Sunday I got back from my 'round the world' trip. Things on the money front are looking VERY bad! Bank overdraft is tipping over and don't get me started on my credit card bill!

It's obvious I'll need a second job to pay this off!

I don't start my regular job until Wednesday, so spent the better part of yesterday job hunting! Pretty crap time to look for a job as the Christmas recruiting season is over.
I dumbed down my CV and started off with the bookstores (since books are my passion!) When that didn't work out, I then went to pretty much every other store on my local high street.

"No, we aren't recruiting anymore."
"Give us your CV and we'll get back to you in a couple of weeks" (loosely translates as "we'll just put that in the dustbin for you")

When I went to ask if they were recruiting at the local cinema, I was a bit taken aback when the guy replied,

"We are actually! Give me your CV. What days are you available to work? Weekends? We sometimes work up to 3.00am. You don't mind? Ok"

I don't want to get my hopes up but this looks the most promising. That and a check out position at Sainsbury's supermarket - interview is this Wednesday. I'd prefer to work in the latter because would get discount on my grocery shopping. Not many perks with cinema job except maybe watching films for free over and over again.

If I'm lucky I could start work as soon as this weekend!!! YEY!!

I've also been phoning friends to let them know I'm back. Things have moved on - people have got new jobs, become engaged, broken off engagements. It's amazing how much can happen in a space of 3 months.

Well hopefully I'll settle back into my usual routine

Oh did I mention that I've finally made the decision to cut out Mr A from my life? Yeah, you won't be hearing about that one again.

I'm tired of being pathetic!

A Small Triumph

Celebrating my last night in Paihia, New Zealand. At Pipi Patch, Beth and I are checking out and rating the talent. We are partial to Maoris. In walks a group of well built, very good looking Maori men. Hmm!
We stare so much that the guys come over to our table to chat. They are in Paihia for the weekend to celebrate their friend Troy's birthday. We ask whether they are rugby players because they are sooo BIG! Yup, as a matter of fact, they are. Ben, who is sitting next to me points out that " Him and him are in the 'All Blacks'"
Yeah right!
We move on to the next bar, and the guys follow us . We ignore them and do the thing that has brought us here , BOOGIE! Troy keeps 'bumping' into me on the dancefloor- I don't think anything of it! Music is a bit shite so move on to the Light House(referred to as the "shite" house, by the locals). On the way, we pick up some guys desperate to buy us drinks. Beth, who is 20, asks me whether it is okay to accept a drink from someone you don't fancy
"Yeah! Well I do it! He is the one who offered. It's not like you owe him or anything"

Great Kim! "Christian" guidance for the young ones!

My, for want of a better word, date, is 21 year old Dave, currently working on a building project in Paihia! I think he has been advised that in order to "pull" girls, you have to ply them them drinks! I'm a broke backpacker, so of course won't say no. Not to Smirnoff Ice! Conversation is not that great, so I'm looking over his shoulder scanning the club for more interesting people. Suddenly he says in an almost reverential tone, "That guy is in the All Blacks!". I turn around and see Troy and his posse entering the club. They spot me, now a familiar face and come over to say hi. Dave is shitting himself. Can't believe he is in the presence of an ALL BLACK! Personally, I find Gerry, who is part of the posse, more interesting than Troy so focus on him. He's played for the All Blacks too, but also internationally in England, Canada, Australia etc. He is now a PE teacher working in an Auckland inner city school. It took him 8 years to fit his University education around his career. He is quite a humble guy. About rugby playing he says
"I'm lucky. I can run fast and catch a ball. That's all"
Dave tries to stick it out - putting his arm around my shoulder - but soon gives up when he realises he is fighting a losing battle.
Troy is bored so wants to go back to the chalet. Gerry asks Beth and I whether we'd like to go back with them for a few "drinks". I think "Why not?" and before I know we're at their VERY NICE chalet. Once there, conversation starts disintegrating. Troy wants to see our "titties". Someone dims the lights and I realise that I am not there for just "drinks". What were you thinking Kim?
This whole 'Groupie' thing is not my scene!
Furthermore, I am a VIRGIN! Do I want to lose my virginity so carelessly to some rugby player on a one night stand? I know loads of girls would kill to have sex with these guys. They have perfect bodies, look good, rugby players...
But my virginity is important to me! I know it is old fashioned, but I REALLY am saving myself up for the guy who is worth giving it to! Someone who loves and respects me enough to marry me!
So there, I've said it, Sex only within the context of marriage! And boy are we going to have GREAT sex... To make up for lost time!
(Of course I MAY reconsider my position if caught up in a near death situation - like trapped on the top floor of a burning building with no hope of rescue. If there is a guy around...)
Not that I haven't had opportunities to lose my virginity. Sometimes I think in my case it is Divine intervention more than anything else. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is sooo very weak!

So with my whole body screaming STAY, I get up and mentally WILL my legs to start moving! I mutter that I am going to the bathroom, and then I am out the back door and AWAY!

It is not easy!

I've proved to myself that I can walk away from a, frankly speaking, very tempting situation. Willpower over physical attraction! A triumph!
I think of Joseph and Potiphar's wife. I've always assumed that she was an old hag after a quick shag with the cute head servant. But what if she was a hottie, and what if Joseph was seriously attracted to her, and the only response he could think of in this situation was to "Flee!"
I can apply this principle to every situation in my life! Instead of dwelling on Mr A, I can say no to my emotions and just walk away! Not a hard thing to do considering he has not even been in touch. If I took him off my travel blog email notification list or never called him again, he wouldn't notice!
Sorted!
Resist my physical urges, cut him off, and don't look back!

Travel Update...

Just sent an email to a friend so I thought I'd copy and paste it here cos too lazy to rewrite the the thing

It's my 3rd last night in NZ :-( Strangely enough, I think I'm ready to leave. Our little Kiwi Experience group has fizzled down to just Beth and me. Never realised that Beth and I didn't really speak to each other in the group so really struggling for topics. There's another group I joined up with in Queenstown- Chili, Emily, Matt, Peter, Gareth, Dahee, Chris and some other obscure guy whom I don't talk to much and whose name I don't even know. That group is down to Chili and the obscure guy. Chili for some reason won't come over to chat when Beth's there... uhhhh it gets complicated - VERY Big Brotherish! Of course they are all rather young. Yesterday I was bathing in natural pool with a couple of German guys who turned out to be 20 years old. They thought I was 22... did not bother to correct them! Yesterday too, went to a Karaoke bar - the only happening place in Taupo past midnight. It was full of Maoris who take their singing quite seriously. It was like a family party - Mom, dad, uncles aunts, kids. They kept coming up to hug me and wouldn't let me sit down for most of the night. The Kiwi X guys were a bit jealous. Afterwards went to another club called the Holy Cow - music was good. The guys played pool and the girls i.e. me and Dahee, boogied down! When things started winding down, people started pairing up for the night leaving 'obscure' guy and me. He looked at me hopefully and pulled out his collection of condoms. I looked him up and down, yawned with finality and said goodnight! I don't think so!Tuseday, had a ferry journey from hell. What normally takes 3 hours, lasted 10 hours! There was a storm in the Cook Strait which came upon us about 2 hours into the journey. All ferries and flights across it were cancelled. 17 knot winds and 9 metre swells. We were up on the 8th level, yet could see large waves were crashing against the windows. You could hear the sound of people being sick all over the ferry and the subsequent pervading smell! Fortunately, I don't get sea sick - but still wasn't pleasant to watch or smell. I ran though a mental list of people to call just incase the ferry went down - mom, dad, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews (imagine the phone bill) Then friends, One to Jeff saying "Stick you, I'm not coming back to work - and this time I have a legitimate reason!"
Okay - going out tonight with Beth, Chili, and by default 'obscure' guy (he probably says the same about me.. "obscure girl"). Was flirting with another cute guy called Simon on bus today (yeah i know, couldn't believe it myself- me? flirting?). Invited him along tonight - maybe he'll join us - but he looked about 22.. hmm). Tomorrow Bay of Islands and then...
Goodbye New Zealand - hello Singapore

Emotional...

I am halfway through my round the world trip adventure and beginning to feel like I made a really big mistake! I'm not that in to animals and nature, plus too shy to initiate conversations with strangers. Unlike my friend Simon, I'm not particularly witty. I don't know how to make great conversations, not even a good listener, but I love being around people. So have been eavesdropping quite a bit...
Yesterday it was bitingly cold in Melbourne. I'd just wasted a lot of money at the Royal Melbourne Show which was principally about farm animals, junk food and loads of screaming annoying kids! The multicultural 'entertainment' was mediocre. A bit of a disappointment as had really been looking forward to the Maori and Indigenous gigs. Boring!

I'm supposed to use this trip to reflect on my life, decide what to do next, get over A...

He is from Melbourne, and I can't stop thinking about him - A LOT!!! Is he thinking about me? Most likely not. But I continue to hope and delude myself! He's emailed a couple of times - brief polite emails in response to my long wordy ones. Kim you idiot! My sensible side, God, friends, family all say "Get over him, move on! There's plenty more fish in the sea". Yes, I acknowledge that this is true, but the only 'fish' I'm interested in right now is A! The heart is a deceitful thing!
Yesterday after a long pity party, to which a whole bottle of Pinot Grigio was invited, I decided I'd had enough of feeling sorry for myself and to count my blessings instead
1) God's got my back - this whole trip has been one of wonderous provision. Almost all the friends who have hosted me in these strange countries, I met in church. Part of the Body of Christ.
At the moment I am really broke, but strangely not worried about it because I know God will provide for me. Faith or stupidity? I like to think it's the former
2) I've got friends back in London whose emails keep me sane - Simon, Sheila, Jeff. Whenever I feel 'homesick', I reread their emailsa. It lifts my spirits.
3) I am healthy
4) I've visited places I only dreamed about. I never EVER thought in my wildest dreams that I would visit Australia. Meet an Aborigine. Eat kangaroo steak. See a possum. How many Ugandans can boast the same?
5) I'm British - it opens a lot of doors
6) No responsibilities to tie me down. I'm free to make my own decisions and to act irresponsibly. Loads of my married friends told me they were envious of me

and so on and so forth

So really life isn't bad and I am grateful to God for where I am right now! Look at how much He has done for me. I shouldn't be focussing on the ONE thing that has been denied to me... A!

Please God help me to get the right perspective and see things through Your eyes!!

Exposure...

In Uganda now.

Tired of the hustle and bustle of the Big city, I decided to take a 3 month sabbatical and travel round the world. The term, 'round the world' is overrated. What springs to mind is a journey to all continents, all countries of the world. What it actually means, is a journey of approximately 7 or more stops to pre-selected destinations like Johannesburg, Australia, New Zealand, Oceania, bits of Asia, Los Angeles and New York - hardly representative, hardly 'Round the world'
Thought I'd start off by going home! Uganda
Big Mistake!
Coming to Uganda isn't exactly a vacation! Especially during the school holidays when scores of parents are looking for SCHOOL FEES! To make it even worse I decided to travel at the end of the month when salary has almost dried out!
'Summers', the term used for Ugandans who come back to visit, are supposed to be loaded! When a family hears that their long lost son and daughter is returning, they send off a shopping list to 'good ol Moneybags' and start planning the itinerary of things they have always wanted to do but could not afford. This is all well and good if Moneybags has been planning and budgeting for the trip several months in advance, but in this instance, Moneybags, showed up with very lean pockets. The only way to manage the situation was to not tell them I was coming - hence no shopping list and scrape together a few small inexpensive gifts for immediate family ONLY. And then was up front "It's the end of the month, I have NO money on me, I have to budget for my 3 months round the world trip, so cannot spend on luxuries!"
So far the trip has been ok. Couldn't have timed it better. When I got here, I learnt that my eldest brother's graduation was the next Tuesday and he'd got a First Class honours degree in BA Education! The very first in our family - so we are all sooo proud! He's a real success story, having dropped out of University aged 20 years old, and then not knowing what he wanted to with his life for the next 12 years! Real proud
I went with my parents for his Graduation ceremony, and cheered loudly when his name was read out for the first time, and then the second when he went to get his First Class degree plaque! Unfortunately for me, within a 2 minute window, I fell prey to pickpockets who took my wallet containing all my credit and debit cards, driving licence, travel insurance card etc
I was gutted! Had to go to the police station to make a crime report. Got there...

to be continued...

Indian Wedding

Honestly the amount of energy I expend on this guy...

I cancelled the Saturday date because something 'more important' came up - actually it WAS more important - helping Emily shop for her wedding dress!

TEXT MESSAGES RECEIVED...

Saturday 20:51
Just heading into town to bar for B-day party. Lay your news on me. al x" notice the "x" (kiss) at the end of text
21:51
"At bbq with very good mates!" - notice no "x" at end of text
Sunday 00:37
"U very succinct"
Monday 00:11 - a day later
"Combo of sheer xhaustion from wed'g dress shop'g, loads of bbq meat and wine. Hope you ok? Have a great week! K "
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monday 07:43 morning
" "
Monday 17:03 evening
";-p"
Monday 23:26
"Hi Ms Succinct! Yeah I am good thanks. Hoping for job interview this Fri. Sounds like you are having fun! x" notice the "x" is still there
Tuesday 00:02
"Hey hope it works out 4 u re job. Said a prayer 4 u. I'm buzzin! Y'day I literally SAVED THE DAY!
Tuesday 00:09
"You up late! Ta for prayer. Did you save someone?"
00:16
"U up late 2. I found Emily's WED'G DRESS at a DISCOUNT! We'd spent all Sat looking and not finding - frustrating!" oh no, I'm getting too wordy... just can't help yourself Kim can you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday 09:26
"Sounds like you are soooooo involved in dis wedding! Are you getting married?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No reply from me! Ha!

You've got to admit - he does make good reading!

Libraries were created for people like me!

I just can’t read a book twice. I forget titles, but never a good story. Many times I’ve picked up books with interesting titles or pictures on the cover, only to discover that the story is beginning to sound “oddly familiar”. Ohhh! That’s because I read it 5 years ago! Interest suddenly evaporates and I just can’t get back into it!

Most of my fellows ‘Bookies’ have built up vast libraries, which they add to daily. At the rate at which I read, which is roughly a book a day (or up all night depending on how gripping the story is), if I were to buy each book I read, it would have a detrimental effect on the feng shui of already cramped flat! Don’t get me wrong, I have SOME books, but their sole purpose is to impress visiting ‘Bookies’ – “Uhh, let’s see what you’ve got...‘Catch 22'...'Nelson Mandela’s autobiography'… Wow!"

I love Libraries!

One of the major factors that convinced me to settle down in London was the 'Library'. Unlike back home Uganda, it was such a pleasure to borrow not just one book but… TWELVE; and take them home for 3 weeks!!! Glorious!

But like all things, Libraries aren’t perfect! That chart topping Bestseller, which you’ve JUST GOT TO READ TODAY has been reserved by a gazillion people! To further prolong the agony, some slow reader is holding up the line. (Is anyone feeling me?)
Maybe Libraries should introduce a “Fast Readers Club”, with queue jumping privileges… after all; we are the ones who give them the most ‘business’. We should be rewarded for our loyalty!

The only down side to being a fast reader is: -
Scenario 1
Halfway through your train journey you realise that you’ve made a serious miscalculation and the book that you were hoping would last the whole trip is swiftly coming to an end…
Scenario 2
You’re just about to finish reading the first book in a Trilogy and realise that the second book is on the “Gazillion-Maddeningly-Slow-Readers Reserved List” and Mr Slow Poke's still got it…

So what does one do? Sit and stew until next year to find out how the story ends…

Well fortunately us Fast Readers have discovered the world of “Bookstores”. One has even gone so far as to have inviting signs in the windows that say, “Stay a while!”

Bookie Heaven!

You can go in, take a book off the shelf, curl up in considerately placed comfy sofas and drink a coffee! So long as you don’t mark or fold the pages, you can while away many a glorious hour absorbed in your little world!
And you don't have to buy the book!
How cool is that???

A is just too interesting...

Interested would be nice, but you know what, I've resigned myself to the possibility that it might never happen.
So we go on our second 'last' date to the theatre. I was a bit apprehensive about meeting after the "Talk" and decided that the only way to deal with my feelings was to treat him as I would my brother Kagaba. They have similar personalities, so wouldn't be too difficult.

Besides, we're just good friends right? Right?

Mamma Mia is ok, in a mindless kind of way - crap plot, lousy singing but brilliant band!. During the interval, we sneaked a bottle of Rosè into the theatre. I couldn't stop giggling as we passed the rustling paper bag between us and at one point A leant over to say "I feel like a 'Wino'"
So far so good, this is going great. It's just like something I would do with my brother, except that with him, I wouldn't be conscious of our arms or legs brushing up against each other
"Kim, get a grip..he's a brother, absolute purity remember" Arggghghgh

Afterwards, we strolled down to Nelsons column, Trafalgar Square and just talked... Was Mr A staring at me in an "I-want-to-kiss-you" way or was I just imagining things? (I WAS tipsy)

ABSOLUTE PURITY, BROTHER, ABSOLUTE PURITY, KAGABA, PURITeeeeeeeeeee

He suddenly blurted out,
"I can't seem to make up my mind about whether I like you or not, I'm confused"

"Oh, that's just what a woman needs to hear... 'I'm confused about you'... How flattering" (sarcasm)

"I'm really sorry I said that Kim, How stupid of me!"

"Why did you have to bring this up now anyway. We were having such a good time, and you have to go and spoil it. YOU drew the line remember?... Awkward silence... 'Let's talk about something else, ok'

We gamely make a recovery, although the 'subject' was still hanging in the air between us

In a total reverse of affairs from the first "last" date, A wanted to meet up again - next week actually,

"Hmm, I'll check my diary, might be free Saturday... can I get back to you about that!"

BROTHER, ABSOLUTE PURITY, KAGABA... BROTHER

The 'Disciples'

I just realised that up to this point, my life must seem pretty pathetic - revolving around the elusive love life! There are lots of other things going on too.
For example, I am now one of the “Disciples” – a group of young St B’sters who meet regularly at the Mill pub. The ‘Disciples’ was started and is kept going by Mark. He is a short unassuming man with a heart of gold. I met him on the Alpha course, where he was facilitating our Alpha group. At first, I disliked him mainly because my sarcasm and play of 'Devil’s Advocate' were lost on him. Whereas most Anglicans, would get flustered with the kind of questions I asked, like after a particularly harrowing talk about the Crucifixion I asked in group,
“Why is everyone making such a big deal about Jesus death, he certainly wasn’t unique… other criminals were crucified too?”
Mark just smiled and said, “But Jesus was an innocent man”
“Yeah, well, innocent people get killed- I’m sure some of those criminals must have been innocent”
Marks’ response to my questions was always to smile, and patiently explain, and explain, and explain. He’s one of those rare people who will go on and on about the wonders of God, totally oblivious to his listeners hostility, sneers (my cringing) and open boredom. Bless him!
Well back the ‘Disciples’! Mark invited me along when I expressed my frustration at how hard it was to make friends at St B’s.
It wasn’t easy.
The first time I joined them, everyone else apart from Mark seemed a bit standoffish and acted like I’d invaded their territory. I thought to myself, ‘Tough, they’ll have to get used to having me around’, so I went the week after that, and after that until, RESULT! They remembered my name! I got phone numbers! Was added to the social mailing list! I thought to myself… ‘I’m IN!!!’
They are an okay bunch, (hey nobody’s perfect!) I guess my experience will help me to be more sensitive to new members, and dare I say, challenge the group to be more welcoming of them? After all, Mark can’t be everywhere at all times!

Mr A... revisited- He's Just Not That In To You

So I've finally washed my hands of Mr A. Despite incessant thoughts, I firmly tell myself that I won't contact him even if it is kills me.

I'm doing so well... until a week later, I receive a text from him asking whether I would like meet up?!

All resolve drains away... I'm such a weakling!

Of course I want to meet up? We agree on a date - Theatre, next Friday. Feelings that I thought were suppressed come flooding back and I 'see' myself slipping into old behaviour patterns. Like sending him a text a couple of days later to say 'Hi!' He's more receptive this time, and we have a bit of 'text flirting' session - all the innuendo from my side because my mind is wired like that. Do I hear a collective gasp of horror from all you Christians - yes... I had sex on my mind!
In the evening I get a phone call from him that starts off... "Kim you know I'm very direct?"
Uh oh... here we go...
I don't remember his exact words but it was a version of the "I-just-want-to-be-friends" speech.

I recognise it. I've heard it several times before!

I tell him point blank that actually I was hoping for a bit more because I really like him. In my mind's eye I can just picture, my mom, sisters, Michelle McKinney Hammond wringing their hands and shouting "NOOOOOO! You NEVER tell a guy that you like him first!"

Oh SH*T! I just did! Cat's out of the bag now! I can't take the words back!

Somehow we get through the awkward conversation. He wonders whether I still want to meet up for theatre. I think, 'There's no point wasting good theatre tickets (yeah right... you liar Kim you. Secretly hoping that he may have changed his mind about you by then). Perhaps he's hoping I'd say no so that he can take someone else?

It really is the END then isn't it?

I go to my room, CRY and then pray! I am reminded of a verse
1 Timothy 5:1b 'Treat younger men as brothers... with absolute purity'

C'mon God! I can't do that - this man is seriously hot... plus he did admit to finding me quite sexy. Hmm... perhaps I can exploit that. I haven't had a good snog in 5 years Has it been that long????
2 Corinthians 10 - '...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.'

That's impossible God! I don't have the strength nor desire to capture any thoughts!
Matt 19:26 "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

IT CAN'T GET MORE OBVIOUS THAN THAT, CAN IT?! Even God has spoken! (at least I believe He has)

Argghhh! Why can't things go my way for a change?

And why is Mr A, still sending me emails and text and acting like we never had the "TALK"?? And why does he want to meet up a whole hour and a half before the show? To recap on 'TALK'- just in case I missed the salient points?

OK! OK ! I GET IT! YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED! I GET IT!

The Final Episode of 'Non-Sex' in the City

A wise friend of mine once said “Tosindika ebitakugenda!!” (Don’t force things that don’t move)
I decided go out for a ‘final date’ with Mr A tonight. My original plan was to go ‘cold turkey’- break off all contact - stop emailing, texting altogether.
After a lot of thought, I decided to run with Plan B, as the former would have left the guy in considerable confusion about my sudden rudeness and would make for a really awkward situation if we were ever to bump into each other again. It's better for things to gradually fade away..........
The date went well – watched an unexciting movie! He suggested drinks at wine bar. So headed out there, made idle chitchat – time flew! As we were leaving, we exchanged the usual polite courtesies; “It was a nice evening” “Enjoyed myself”
The suggestion for another date was conspicuous by its absence!

Then Good Bye! A brief back rub hug!

‘The End’

Credits roll!

Kim……………………………. Kimuli
Mr A…………………………… Alastair
Wise friends and confidantes…………………….. Afia, Shifa, Ngonzi, Nyaki, Yati, Trudy, Sheila,
Polite listeners who didn’t really give a sh*t……… work colleagues, cell group members

All in all, it’s been a good episode and has provided enough material for the blog!

Now I’m off in search for my next story…

Mr A... Revolutions

Just received a text from Mr A, "Hi Kim Still up for Tuesday?"

Kim, (YES! YES! YES!) but calmly says 'Yes! Where and what time?'

Silence...

Perhaps I should have given it more of a delay period before I replied!

Mr A... Reloaded

You probably think that I’ve been too busy to update the blog, spending loads of time with Mr A, on numerous dates, getting to know each other? You know? The kind of things that people do when they are excited about each other?

Far from it! This whole business with Mr A has been an emotional ride!

So much energy has been expended, worrying, fantasizing, planning, worrying, talking about him and receiving advice from friends…

And such conflicting advice!

After date with Mr A, he sent me a message to say he had lots of fun... "Let's do it again."
Very open ended, vague – polite

Advice from friend was, “Kim he likes you, set up a definite second date”

So I did. I sent him an email suggesting that we watch a film on 7 July

Silence for 3 days

Email from him saying, “Work's been hectic. Good idea, but 7th is not convenient, how about the 11th or 23rd?”

11th it is then!

Silence…


I meet up with friend over the weekend who says, “Kim, you should be a bit more open to him about your feelings.”

On Monday, I send him a text saying ‘hello’.

Silence…

In the evening, a text from him saying hello back!

A late night chat with another friend! “Kim you got it all wrong! You should NEVER chase a guy. HE should have been the one who suggested the date. Never send him emails or text messages, except in response to the ones HE sends you. My advice to you is to cancel 11 July date, tell him something came up, and then WAIT for him to contact you and arrange something”

Another friend, “Okay it’s obvious he is not interested (Doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out) But don’t cancel the date. Keep him as a friend – he may have other friends”

I’ve thought it through, with the help of my old friend, Michelle McKinney Hammond. She is an African American woman who specialises in Single Christian matters, and has written a variety of books on the subject like ‘If Singleness is a Gift, What's The Return Policy', ‘What to Do Until Love Finds You’ and of course, the MANUAL, ‘Secrets of an Irresistible Woman ’

In the ‘Mind Your Own Business’ chapter of this book, Michelle says,

‘Notice I said that he finds you. Yes indeed! My Bible tells me, “When a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing” (see Proverbs 18:22). This always was, and always will be, the perfect order of a relationship because it is a spiritual law….
Let’s face it – men never appreciate anything they didn’t have to work for to get. The spirit of conquest is in the heart of every man…Men reverence that which is hard earned. God wanted women to be appreciated in the same way. This would ensure that we receive the special treatment He knew we deserved. The only way to make certain this happened was to establish specific rules in the game of love. So relax – take a seat behind the end zone and let him come and get you.’

It’s obvious really! I’ve blown it with Mr A, (like I ever had a chance in the first place)

He HAS been rather passive.

The problem now is this…
Will I cope being ‘just friends’ with this guy?
Should I protect my heart and sever all ties with him having crossed an emotional line?
Should I cancel the date, knowing that I’ll never see him again socially?