Suicide is only successful when you act immediately. If you pause to think about it, or something interrupts the flow you will most likely not go through with it.
I remember the first time I attempted suicide, I tried to slit my wrists but the knife was too blunt. I lost momentum
The second time was almost successful. I tried to hang myself. I stood on a chair, looped the rope around the beam; kicked the chair away, but the rope couldn't take the weight and it broke. My siblings who were in the house heard and came out- saw what had happened and started laughing at me. My mom did not see the humourous side and took me for Confession to save my soul. I was a Catholic then.
I've been reading about the lives of English female writers who committed suicide like Virginia Woolf who put stones in her pockets and drowned herself in the river Ouse, near her Sussex home and Sylvia Plath who took a bottle of sleeping pills and stuck her head in a gas oven.
I know that I will not die by way of suicide.
True, I've thought about it several times, but there's something that always makes me pause and ask
1) Are you sure there is absolutely no hope?
2) Are things really as bad as they seem?
3) Do you want to leave your family and friends with this legacy?
Perhaps it is God speaking to me in those moments? I don't know. What I do know is that the hesitation is long enough to make me realise that
1) My situation isn't the worst
2) There is no such thing as a completely hopeless situation
3) Suicide is selfish
To beat depression Christianity has prescribed confessing positively, citing Scripture, binding demons, focussing on others. But these things take time and I guess I don't have enough patience . Like many, I seek a quick fix solution to my problems. Yesterday on TV, I watched in fascination as, Paul McKenna through hypnosis cured a woman of her 20 year fear of show jumping.
I wish I could wave a magic wand over my circumstances...
In an instant I would become beautiful, popular, significant
But the God that I've thrown my lot in with, does not do 'quick fix' .
Everything has to be worked at, everything takes time - something that my impatient soul finds hard to take
