A is just too interesting...

Interested would be nice, but you know what, I've resigned myself to the possibility that it might never happen.
So we go on our second 'last' date to the theatre. I was a bit apprehensive about meeting after the "Talk" and decided that the only way to deal with my feelings was to treat him as I would my brother Kagaba. They have similar personalities, so wouldn't be too difficult.

Besides, we're just good friends right? Right?

Mamma Mia is ok, in a mindless kind of way - crap plot, lousy singing but brilliant band!. During the interval, we sneaked a bottle of Rosè into the theatre. I couldn't stop giggling as we passed the rustling paper bag between us and at one point A leant over to say "I feel like a 'Wino'"
So far so good, this is going great. It's just like something I would do with my brother, except that with him, I wouldn't be conscious of our arms or legs brushing up against each other
"Kim, get a grip..he's a brother, absolute purity remember" Arggghghgh

Afterwards, we strolled down to Nelsons column, Trafalgar Square and just talked... Was Mr A staring at me in an "I-want-to-kiss-you" way or was I just imagining things? (I WAS tipsy)

ABSOLUTE PURITY, BROTHER, ABSOLUTE PURITY, KAGABA, PURITeeeeeeeeeee

He suddenly blurted out,
"I can't seem to make up my mind about whether I like you or not, I'm confused"

"Oh, that's just what a woman needs to hear... 'I'm confused about you'... How flattering" (sarcasm)

"I'm really sorry I said that Kim, How stupid of me!"

"Why did you have to bring this up now anyway. We were having such a good time, and you have to go and spoil it. YOU drew the line remember?... Awkward silence... 'Let's talk about something else, ok'

We gamely make a recovery, although the 'subject' was still hanging in the air between us

In a total reverse of affairs from the first "last" date, A wanted to meet up again - next week actually,

"Hmm, I'll check my diary, might be free Saturday... can I get back to you about that!"

BROTHER, ABSOLUTE PURITY, KAGABA... BROTHER

The 'Disciples'

I just realised that up to this point, my life must seem pretty pathetic - revolving around the elusive love life! There are lots of other things going on too.
For example, I am now one of the “Disciples” – a group of young St B’sters who meet regularly at the Mill pub. The ‘Disciples’ was started and is kept going by Mark. He is a short unassuming man with a heart of gold. I met him on the Alpha course, where he was facilitating our Alpha group. At first, I disliked him mainly because my sarcasm and play of 'Devil’s Advocate' were lost on him. Whereas most Anglicans, would get flustered with the kind of questions I asked, like after a particularly harrowing talk about the Crucifixion I asked in group,
“Why is everyone making such a big deal about Jesus death, he certainly wasn’t unique… other criminals were crucified too?”
Mark just smiled and said, “But Jesus was an innocent man”
“Yeah, well, innocent people get killed- I’m sure some of those criminals must have been innocent”
Marks’ response to my questions was always to smile, and patiently explain, and explain, and explain. He’s one of those rare people who will go on and on about the wonders of God, totally oblivious to his listeners hostility, sneers (my cringing) and open boredom. Bless him!
Well back the ‘Disciples’! Mark invited me along when I expressed my frustration at how hard it was to make friends at St B’s.
It wasn’t easy.
The first time I joined them, everyone else apart from Mark seemed a bit standoffish and acted like I’d invaded their territory. I thought to myself, ‘Tough, they’ll have to get used to having me around’, so I went the week after that, and after that until, RESULT! They remembered my name! I got phone numbers! Was added to the social mailing list! I thought to myself… ‘I’m IN!!!’
They are an okay bunch, (hey nobody’s perfect!) I guess my experience will help me to be more sensitive to new members, and dare I say, challenge the group to be more welcoming of them? After all, Mark can’t be everywhere at all times!

Mr A... revisited- He's Just Not That In To You

So I've finally washed my hands of Mr A. Despite incessant thoughts, I firmly tell myself that I won't contact him even if it is kills me.

I'm doing so well... until a week later, I receive a text from him asking whether I would like meet up?!

All resolve drains away... I'm such a weakling!

Of course I want to meet up? We agree on a date - Theatre, next Friday. Feelings that I thought were suppressed come flooding back and I 'see' myself slipping into old behaviour patterns. Like sending him a text a couple of days later to say 'Hi!' He's more receptive this time, and we have a bit of 'text flirting' session - all the innuendo from my side because my mind is wired like that. Do I hear a collective gasp of horror from all you Christians - yes... I had sex on my mind!
In the evening I get a phone call from him that starts off... "Kim you know I'm very direct?"
Uh oh... here we go...
I don't remember his exact words but it was a version of the "I-just-want-to-be-friends" speech.

I recognise it. I've heard it several times before!

I tell him point blank that actually I was hoping for a bit more because I really like him. In my mind's eye I can just picture, my mom, sisters, Michelle McKinney Hammond wringing their hands and shouting "NOOOOOO! You NEVER tell a guy that you like him first!"

Oh SH*T! I just did! Cat's out of the bag now! I can't take the words back!

Somehow we get through the awkward conversation. He wonders whether I still want to meet up for theatre. I think, 'There's no point wasting good theatre tickets (yeah right... you liar Kim you. Secretly hoping that he may have changed his mind about you by then). Perhaps he's hoping I'd say no so that he can take someone else?

It really is the END then isn't it?

I go to my room, CRY and then pray! I am reminded of a verse
1 Timothy 5:1b 'Treat younger men as brothers... with absolute purity'

C'mon God! I can't do that - this man is seriously hot... plus he did admit to finding me quite sexy. Hmm... perhaps I can exploit that. I haven't had a good snog in 5 years Has it been that long????
2 Corinthians 10 - '...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.'

That's impossible God! I don't have the strength nor desire to capture any thoughts!
Matt 19:26 "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

IT CAN'T GET MORE OBVIOUS THAN THAT, CAN IT?! Even God has spoken! (at least I believe He has)

Argghhh! Why can't things go my way for a change?

And why is Mr A, still sending me emails and text and acting like we never had the "TALK"?? And why does he want to meet up a whole hour and a half before the show? To recap on 'TALK'- just in case I missed the salient points?

OK! OK ! I GET IT! YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED! I GET IT!

The Final Episode of 'Non-Sex' in the City

A wise friend of mine once said “Tosindika ebitakugenda!!” (Don’t force things that don’t move)
I decided go out for a ‘final date’ with Mr A tonight. My original plan was to go ‘cold turkey’- break off all contact - stop emailing, texting altogether.
After a lot of thought, I decided to run with Plan B, as the former would have left the guy in considerable confusion about my sudden rudeness and would make for a really awkward situation if we were ever to bump into each other again. It's better for things to gradually fade away..........
The date went well – watched an unexciting movie! He suggested drinks at wine bar. So headed out there, made idle chitchat – time flew! As we were leaving, we exchanged the usual polite courtesies; “It was a nice evening” “Enjoyed myself”
The suggestion for another date was conspicuous by its absence!

Then Good Bye! A brief back rub hug!

‘The End’

Credits roll!

Kim……………………………. Kimuli
Mr A…………………………… Alastair
Wise friends and confidantes…………………….. Afia, Shifa, Ngonzi, Nyaki, Yati, Trudy, Sheila,
Polite listeners who didn’t really give a sh*t……… work colleagues, cell group members

All in all, it’s been a good episode and has provided enough material for the blog!

Now I’m off in search for my next story…

Mr A... Revolutions

Just received a text from Mr A, "Hi Kim Still up for Tuesday?"

Kim, (YES! YES! YES!) but calmly says 'Yes! Where and what time?'

Silence...

Perhaps I should have given it more of a delay period before I replied!

Mr A... Reloaded

You probably think that I’ve been too busy to update the blog, spending loads of time with Mr A, on numerous dates, getting to know each other? You know? The kind of things that people do when they are excited about each other?

Far from it! This whole business with Mr A has been an emotional ride!

So much energy has been expended, worrying, fantasizing, planning, worrying, talking about him and receiving advice from friends…

And such conflicting advice!

After date with Mr A, he sent me a message to say he had lots of fun... "Let's do it again."
Very open ended, vague – polite

Advice from friend was, “Kim he likes you, set up a definite second date”

So I did. I sent him an email suggesting that we watch a film on 7 July

Silence for 3 days

Email from him saying, “Work's been hectic. Good idea, but 7th is not convenient, how about the 11th or 23rd?”

11th it is then!

Silence…


I meet up with friend over the weekend who says, “Kim, you should be a bit more open to him about your feelings.”

On Monday, I send him a text saying ‘hello’.

Silence…

In the evening, a text from him saying hello back!

A late night chat with another friend! “Kim you got it all wrong! You should NEVER chase a guy. HE should have been the one who suggested the date. Never send him emails or text messages, except in response to the ones HE sends you. My advice to you is to cancel 11 July date, tell him something came up, and then WAIT for him to contact you and arrange something”

Another friend, “Okay it’s obvious he is not interested (Doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out) But don’t cancel the date. Keep him as a friend – he may have other friends”

I’ve thought it through, with the help of my old friend, Michelle McKinney Hammond. She is an African American woman who specialises in Single Christian matters, and has written a variety of books on the subject like ‘If Singleness is a Gift, What's The Return Policy', ‘What to Do Until Love Finds You’ and of course, the MANUAL, ‘Secrets of an Irresistible Woman ’

In the ‘Mind Your Own Business’ chapter of this book, Michelle says,

‘Notice I said that he finds you. Yes indeed! My Bible tells me, “When a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing” (see Proverbs 18:22). This always was, and always will be, the perfect order of a relationship because it is a spiritual law….
Let’s face it – men never appreciate anything they didn’t have to work for to get. The spirit of conquest is in the heart of every man…Men reverence that which is hard earned. God wanted women to be appreciated in the same way. This would ensure that we receive the special treatment He knew we deserved. The only way to make certain this happened was to establish specific rules in the game of love. So relax – take a seat behind the end zone and let him come and get you.’

It’s obvious really! I’ve blown it with Mr A, (like I ever had a chance in the first place)

He HAS been rather passive.

The problem now is this…
Will I cope being ‘just friends’ with this guy?
Should I protect my heart and sever all ties with him having crossed an emotional line?
Should I cancel the date, knowing that I’ll never see him again socially?

Oh What A Night...

Who ever thought something would come out of speed dating!

As you know, the last time, I was decidely unimpressed and it was relegated to my list of ‘never to be repeated’ experiences
So when I received a notification through my email that someone had sent me a flirt, it was curiosity that took me to the website. I’d even forgotten my profile was still posted.
The flirt was from this guy who boasted about having a huge sex drive. You’d think I’d pick up on that, but sometimes I can be quite naïve/stupid? I don’t know what possessed me to even have an online chat where he clarified that he was looking for a ‘friend with benefits – a f*ck buddy!’ Well I’ll be darned! So told him where to go! He could pay one of those ‘ladies of the night’ in Kings Cross for it, but he sure aint getting any from me! And then, bloody cheek, he asks, “I know this probably sounds too forward… but can I have your number?”
Huh!???!!! DELETE, BLOCK SENDER!!! There are some weird freaks out there!

And then, like a breath of fresh air, came A!

Not only does he share a surname with my favourite fictional character, but he is also an absolutely amazing guy! After my experience with Sex Drive guy, I re-edited my profile to emphasize the Christian bit. And then as an afterthought, did an advanced search for Christians. A’s profile just stood out from the rest. Here’s a guy who loves God, travels a lot, dances salsa, looks VERY nice, doesn't want kids! So sent him a flirt- and he replied!

Giddy with my first success, I was emboldened to ask him out on an actual date!
He thought it was a good idea!

PANIC! PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!PANIC! PANIC! PANIC! PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!
Sent a desperate SOS to good mate and trendy friend Erina, asking for styling advice. What do I wear? What do I do with my hair. (By the way thanks Sweetie for the advice). And then spent the whole week stressing out, even took an afternoon out from work to shop for a cute 'skirt'! Practiced what lines I’d use when we met! Almost cancelled! It was torture! The things men do to us!

The one question you are all asking at this point is... So how was the date!

WHAT CAN I SAY??!
First, we strolled around Soho, looking for a drink and bite to eat. As we passed by a Tattoo parlour, I remarked on how I’ve always wanted to get one . A jumped right in and said, “Let’s go get one!” Before I knew it, we were inside selecting tattoos, asking about prices etc. However, as there was only slot left, and I wasn’t too happy with the available images (it’s an important decision… a tattoo is a permanent thing), A volunteered to get his done! Just like that! Crazy!
Dinner was nice too Bertorelli on Frith Street, great food and conversation where I learnt that A is incredibly funny, honest, there’s hidden depths to him. He’s got a great smile and is so grounded as a Christian! Plus a sexy body! I had to keep pinching myself (Am I actually on a date with this guy?). Did I mention that he is a writer?
On to a Salsa club! He’s been dancing Latin and Ballroom dance since 1995- and is a great mover plus he made me look good on the dance floor! Oh joy!!

Ok, he’s obviously made a big impression on me, but is quite hard to read. The problem with guys like A, is that they are so nice, and it is difficult to figure out whether they like you “that way” or not! Is it a positive sign that he’s the one who came up with the suggestion that we should do this again (Was he being polite?)
Oh Agony! Oh Torture!

Just a quickie!

I've been away for so long from this post, as I've recently rediscovered the world of Internet Dating!
Yes - some of us never learn do we!
I got on to this American website for Black Singles and discovered all sorts. You don't have to be a paying member to post your profile although there are certain restrictions e.g. you can't send your own messages or put contact details in profile (People still come up with ingenius ways of putting in their email addresses though - "message me on ABC at the Y or M dot, or on 'where it is not cold or warm dot')".
You fill in this questionnaire and based on your answers, assigned a personality colour code which is used to determine who your best matches are. I am apparently a "yellow"??
In my profile, I specified that I wanted to meet new friends and penpals. However, given the nature of messages and flirts I was receiving, realised that this had not been widely understood.So had to edit and clarify requirements which were simply, " an avid reader, well travelled who LOVES to write". To clarify even further - "if you have not taken the time to fill in the "wordy" stuff on your profile, then you shouldn't bother with me"
Despite these implicit instructions, I am still getting messages from 'Brothas' who just want to GET with me (esp the Nigerians from 'Lagos' State. Next thing they'll be writing to ask for my bank details so that they can transfer the millions from the late Abacha's account!!! For a commission of course!
On the site there are also Indians (what part of 'Black Singles' don't they understand), who have posted pictures of Indian film stars Amir Khan, and Hrithik Roshan (see I watch Bollywood films) on their profiles. I've also seen pictures of LL Cool J, Josh Hart...
Loads of white guys (Again... Black Single? ) WannaBEblack, Eminem?) who probably just want to sh*g a black girl

Sent a message to a guy called SmoothRoads who said he was looking for email buddies - his profile made for good reading - so watch this space. Who knows, he may even get to co -write on this blog sometime - seriously he was that interesting. Go to the website now and do a search on him, I'm sure he won't mind.

Habakkuk 3: 17 - 19

Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, (though) the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the (victorious) God of my salvation
The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincibe army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk (not to stand still in terror, but to walk) and make (spiritual) progress upon my high places (of trouble, suffering, or responsibility)

A weekend in Venice!

The flight itself and the long Ryanair Eurobus shuttle ride from Treviso airport to Venice were uneventful! Being ‘clever’, we’d booked a 3-day Venice Card for collection at Piazzale Roma central bus station. We then boarded No 42 waterbus to Madonna del’ Orto and our lovely Hotel Ai Mori d’ Oriente! Dumped our bags, went in search of a coffee ‘fix’, and then shopping! Our route took us to the Rialto bridge and it's market (made famous by Shakespeare’s ‘The Merchant of Venice’) which sports the usual over priced ‘tat’ i.e. fridge magnets, key rings, postcards, masks etc. We inadvertently took the long way back to the hotel and admired the stunning architecture. I do love the bright terracotta and golden colours of the houses with arched narrow windows-beautiful flowers in window boxes, the occasional washing hanging on a line!

For dinner we dressed up and ate at the hotels’ pricey restaurant serving typical Venetian fare- mainly seafood from the Adriatic Sea! It consisted of 4 courses – Antipasti (starters) first course, second course and then scrumptious dessert! The restaurant was very loud - full of Italian families. Afterwards we took to the streets again in search of some action and ended up at the famous Piazza San Marco. This is the largest square in Venice – the size of 2 football fields, and has the monstrous San Marco cathedral dominating the right hand side, and the beautiful Duke’s Palace next to it. Because it was nighttime, the Piazza did not have it’s usual crowds (and fat pigeons), so quite pleasant. Star crossed lovers waltzed to romantic music played by the various bands set up around the square. However nice violin music is, after a while gets irritating, so we made our way to the Santa Margherita Square, recommended by Receptionist Andrea where young Venetians tend to chill out in the evenings. A couple of guys, Lorenzo and Marco stopped us, and offered to buy us a drink. Lorenzo rents out his apartment near San Marco to tourists during the high season. He is also a Salsa Merengue dance instructor who happens to just LOVE black women. “Italian men are a bit’a boring” he assured me “they don’t know how to dance’a. Me, I am a different’a. Not aggressive’o, but I really like you, your lips they are so beautiful!” Well, couldn’t help feeling flattered! Especially when pretty Venetian Susan joined us, and clearly had a crush on Lorenzo! He told me in confidence “ She likes’a me, but I don’t like’a her! I like you” Explained the dirty looks I was receiving. Yati and I both fancied Marco though. He had a wicked sense of humour and very good-looking. The boys took us to the ONLY disco in Venice, a small little pub measuring about 4 sq metres. The DJ looked late 40’s, music mainly 80’s Euro Pop! Lorenzo lost interest when I made it clear to him that I would not be having sex with him that night. Actually he didn’t take rejection very well. When we were leaving Marco came over and gave us each a bear hug and a kiss on the lips. So sweet!
All-public transport (waterbuses) was suspended the next morning, to free up the canal for the Regatta (boat race). We watched a bit from the Rialto Bridge. Some of the participants were dressed in colourful costume and masques; yet others had signature black and white gondola shirts. There was also a Scottish crew, playing loud bagpipes, which apparently abandoned the race and started drinking beer purchased from a nearby boat! On our way down to San Marco again, we came across loads of African street hawkers selling imitation designer bags on the street, (one right in front of the Gucci shop). They called out to me as I went by “hey beautiful lady, come here, I want to talk to you”
When you tire of the streets, you can always catch the No. 1 or 82 to nearby Lido Beach. On the way, you pass by the beautiful Public Gardens, Gardenia, which are a refreshingly pleasant sight after the concrete jungle that forms up most of Venice. Huge cruise ships went by! On our last waterbus circuit of Venice, we met Fernando from Buenos Aires, Argentina. He referred to himself as a photojournalist, and was at great pains to explain that he was not one of the Paparazzi. (Even though he was there to catch a photo of the new James Bond currently filming in Venice for the new Casino Royale Film.)

A last quick walk about to buy souvenirs, visit the Jewish Ghetto and that was the end of Venice.
It was quite sad to leave. I think this is the first holiday I’ve ever spoken to anyone else besides my travel companions – so quite interesting. Also first holiday that a guy has come on to me – a rare experience! A definite recommend – but not for budget travellers because can be very expensive!

Me and my "Camp" friends!

The term "Camp" is UK slang for anyone who is overly dramatic and displays exaggerated speech and mannerisms! One of my closest friends goes out with a 'camp' guy. Most times it's really funny, but when we are in other people's company can be quite embarrassing!
Last Sunday we went for the Bank Holiday Latin all nighter fest at the Scala in Kings Cross. The Scala is a huge club with a capacity of 1500 punters and had 4 rooms featuring both LA and Cuban Salsa, Lambada and Hip Hop. I've recently 'discovered' Salsa so was quite keen to put my new moves into practice!
The blind date my friend set me up with was, on first impression, cute. But his story about his big d**k, within five minutes of meeting me kind of ruined it! It became painfully clear to me during the initial free salsa class, that my date was no good at dancing - no natural affinity whatsoever! I assured him it wasn't about learning all the correct moves - the important thing was that he has fun (Kim you liar...of course it's important to learn the basics!)
His idea of dance was get into an embrace of sorts and grind up against me! As you can imagine after a while this gets quite boring, so I snatched every opportunity to wander off in search of proper dance partners! It was fun dancing with them but realise I still have a long way to go in my Salsa journey!
Meanwhile, my friends and date, were busy screaming at the top of their voices. Her boyfriend decided to do a pole dance for our benefit, and then he took out an Afro comb, and insisted on combing through my Afro locks for about 10 minutes! I mean I can have fun with the best of them , but do they have to be so LOUD! Everything they do is designed to draw attention to themselves which I'm not comfortable with!
I also discovered that my date was 21 years old which explains the 'd**k" story! I have this thing about age! 25 is fine, but 21 is just too young (10 years younger to be exact). I want to be with a real man not a child who boasts at the first opportunity about his so called sexual exploits. Not even sure whether they are genuine.

Lesbian?

Got another lesbian crack the other day! Zac, ‘God’s gift’ to women, was trying it on with me during a computer workshop.
Two things about Zac
1) He’s a hairy self-obsessed git (not unlike Guy Secretan from Green Wing- see pic)
2) Definitely NOT my type!!!
I was demonstrating something on the computer, with the rest of the class gathered around. Zac was standing behind me. The first time he rubbed up against me, I let it slide because I thought it was accidental. Second time… weird… okay Kim; give him the benefit of the doubt! Third, fourth, FIFTH time… Is this guy for real? So finally I responded, but I suspect, not quite the way he expected (What was he expecting?) A discreet whack in the balls soon sorted out that nonsense. You got to admire the man- not a squeak out of him, but when we resumed seats, he sat opposite glaring. In the break he saunters up to me and begins telling this random story whose point was women and virgins (like me) who are keeping their options open and don’t respond to attractive men (like him) are most ASSUREDLY lesbians!

I’m no stranger to lesbian cracks. I baffle my colleagues and they’ve gone to GREAT lengths to try and ‘out’ me. In one such discussion about ‘types’, I was asked, “Kim, what qualities do you look for in a man… (Pause)… or a woman?”
My response is to smile sweetly and say “Well you’d want to know!”

Let them stew!

But sometimes I wonder… am I a lesbian?

I guess I fit the stereotype… I have a large build with broad shoulders, I believe the correct term is 'butch'. For me there are better things to do in life than obsess over shoes, clothes, facials, manicures, latest hairstyles, make-up… you know… girly stuff. The proverbial tomboy
I mean I’ve tried to be girly. Really tried!!! A couple of years ago I bought a load of make-up worth over £100 (gasp); suffered through an hour long makeover session where my eyes got poked and ended up looking like a surprised Michael Jackson. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life! The moment I got home, I WASHED it all off, and as far as I know the make-up is somewhere in the deepest recesses of my storeroom. What a waste? And who ever invented thongs? I mean is it sexy to walk around trying to work a piece of string out of one’s ass?

Plus there’s also the little fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend…

So what makes one a lesbian? I carried out a little research on the Internet, scouring through numerous lesbian sites. Interesting! Here were women actually physically attracted to other women. Right now, I am reading “Calling the Rainbow Nation Home” by E.T Sundby - a personal story on how a lesbian finally reconciled her homosexuality to her faith. I could relate to her spiritual journey, but not her sexual orientation. In Chapter 2, The Way Back, she says “…my sexual fantasies had always been about women, never men. No matter how hard I tried to think about guys, my thoughts always turned back towards women… Just when my friends were going boy-crazy, I was heading the other direction. I found that, instead of going away, my attraction for other women was getting stronger with each passing year. More unnerving was that my fantasies about women were far more satisfying than any experience I ever had with a guy.”

I don’t agree with everything E.T. Sundby writes and have difficulty accepting her interpretation of certain Bible verses, but I've learnt a couple of things: -
First... I’m not a lesbian! I feel no physical attraction to women whatsoever, and the thought actually turns my stomach! I do have loads of sexual fantasies about men though, like my neighbour Dean, who is HOT (and suspect is about to take out a restraining order for me!). Some lust issues there…
The second thing I learnt was this: -
Christians need to CHANGE their attitude towards Homosexuals! They are PEOPLE, with feelings and should be treated with respect regardless of whether you agree or disagree with their sexual orientation. They are not exempt from love and those gays who are Christians (yes they are saved) are my brothers and sisters and have equal access to God. I am disgusted with the Anti-Gay movement, backed by many ‘Christian’ churches and organisations whose verbal attacks have fuelled open discrimination, witch-hunts and hate crimes against gay men and women. Is it any wonder, that we have alienated these people from organised religion and the God we claim to represent?
The next time, you judge a gay person remember...
‘For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son that WHOSOEVER believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life’ John 3:16 (NIV)

Loneliness

The ‘stigma’ of loneliness!

Last house group meeting, Martin (whom I still dislike) admitted that most of the times he feels alone. It takes a lot of guts to admit this – especially to our House Group. The English are uncomfortable with sharing personal feelings. Many times, I’ve shared about my struggles or illustrated something using a personal example– only to be greeted with awkward silence. I’ve learnt since then to watch what I say, and to use ‘hypothetical’ explanations – they go down better
I found an interesting article on the Internet, Loneliness: Bane of the Christian Single by Dr. Ken Matto. My initial reaction to it was that of indignation! How dare he judge me! However, the more I read it, the more I ‘saw myself’ in it.
Take his ‘Symptoms’ of Loneliness for instance, I am intimidated by quietness – when I come home in the evenings, the first thing I do is turn on the TV to provide some background noise. My life is extremely busy – I try to have something on every evening. I stay late at work (until the cleaners kick me out) because I cannot bear the thought of returning to an empty house. Weekends, especially long Bank Holiday weekends like Easter and Christmas, are torture! I fill my life with endless distraction; by taking courses I don’t really need, losing myself in the world of TV, cinema, and books just to fill the void!
The fact is that I’m not very good at being alone. I come from a large family- immediate and extended – and am accustomed to having loads of people around! In school and church I was always part of the in-crowd or a clique! At church, I was very popular – earning the nickname of “Mayor” because everyone knew me by name and wanted to hang out.
Then I came to London and went from being a ‘Somebody’ to a ‘Nobody’! Friends and family from home still wrote, but as time went by, good intentions and letters dwindled to a mere trickle. I discovered the artificial world of Internet chat rooms-and got involved in this for a while – but this is no substitute for the real thing!
It took a while to build up a new network of friends. I guess I had the advantage of youth – so most of my friends were University students or fresh graduates. We had plenty of time to meet up regularly, and to use a cliché from a famous London church – ‘Do life together!’
It’s all changed now! We got jobs and other commitments that moved us away from church and ultimately each other. Most of the circle have since returned to their home countries, or got married, have children. Contact is few and far between… conversations stilted!
I feel lonely!
To forget, some people turn to alcohol, drugs… I turn to chocolate and nostalgia! Looking through my music collection, you'll find loads of ‘Eighties’ music, Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, Queen Latifah – a throwback to the times when I was happy! I’ve volunteered to work in the youth ministry at church, not because I have a heart for “Yuff”. Perhaps I am under the illusion that I will recapture the friendships I once had at that age. Of course it doesn’t work – they’ve got their own lives, interests and music. Why would they want to hang out with a 30-year-old woman?

At this point, I know some well-meaning friends and family (yes you Kemi) are itching to come out with the usual clichés like God will never leave me nor forsake me!
I know all that! Emotions are funny things! They cloud our judgement and prevent us from seeing the facts! I’m not really looking for a response or seeking advice. I guess I just want your sympathy, a listening ear! Perhaps there are some reading this article who can identify with me – I’d love to hear how you dealt with this area in your own life. There just might be a few lessons there.
We soldier on!

The Princes Trust kids and me!

Death By Chocolate - The Murder Mystery!

Okay there were a few late comers (the South Africans!!!) but apart from that it went really well!

Those of you who know me, know how I work myself into a state before my "dinner parties". The whole day is spent in a frenzy of cleaning, food shopping... cleaning..., cooking.... more cleaning! Fortunately, I had the privilege of having not one, but TWO, talentated Jamaican ladies, with a passion for food, to help me out on the food side of things. Not to mention, my wonderful flatmate - who is just that...Wonderful!

The previous week, I'd mailed invites with attached character background information sheets to the guests. One of the South Africans (again) misplaced his copy and only told me on the day of the dinner. So had to print out a new character sheet for him to quickly memorise when he "finally" arrived!

While we were waiting ( for the South Africans), the other guests sat around nervously barely touching the food that was rapidly going cold.

Ahh! Finally they arrive and we can start!

I welcomed everyone and explained the rules. A few minutes later, we were given an Oscar winning performance by the poisoned murder "victim" dying in most spectacular manner. While everyone (ok the girls) was gasping in "shock" at such a "terrible" thing, the guys were just standing by dispassionately reading through their character background sheets. Honestly!!!

In case you don't know how a murder mystery works, it simply this...

Someone is murdered. All the guests have a motive for murder which makes them all suspects. The whole evening is spent solving the mystery of "Whodunnit?". Each guest has secrets about themselves and about others, which they must not divulge unless confronted directly. For my murder mystery dinner party, I'd hidden some murder weapon cards around the house and given the guests a set of clues to find them. These murder weapons could be used to "kill" anyone who was trying to blackmail you with information. They also had some game money to bribe their way out of embarrasing situations, or in my case, to hire a hitman to take out someone who was irritating me!

After the "murder" everyone really got into it! A couple more 'murders' happened- including the unfortunate demise of the original "murderer". I also discovered that our appointed "detective" was going around extorting money out of most of the guests (including me) in exchange for her silence! Cheeky! Did I mention that it was one of the Jamaicans?

All in all the dinner party was hilarious and a great way to spend an evening! Can't wait until the next one!

A thought for Easter - Eddie's sequel!!!

He was wounded and crushed because of our sins; by taking our punishment, he made us completely well... All of us were like sheep that had wandered off. We had each gone our own way, but the LORD gave him the punishment we deserved... His life was taken away because of the sinful things my people had done. The LORD decided his servant would suffer as a sacrifice to take away the sin and guilt of others. (Isaiah 53: 4, 8b & 10 Contemporary English Version)

Easter and NOT Christmas is the most significant festival in the Christian Calendar - in fact our whole faith is based upon these events that took place over 2000 years ago.

We Christians believe that Jesus death on the Cross fulfilled the above prophecy.

My Jewish friends are celebrating Passover - an 8 day observance commemorating the freedom and exodus of the Israelites (Jewish slaves) from Egypt during the reign of the Pharaoh Ramses II. About 3000 years ago, according to the Book of Exodus - Moses, a simple Jewish shepherd, was instructed by God to go to the Pharaoh and demand the freedom of his people. Moses' plea of 'let my people go' was ignored. He warned the Pharaoh that God would send severe punishments to the people of Egypt if the Israelites were not freed. Again the Pharaoh ignored Moses' request of freedom. In response God unleashed a series of 10 terrible plagues on the people of Egypt. In the last plague, God instructed the Israelites to slaughter an unblemished lamb, take some of it's blood and put it on the sides and tops of the doorframes of their houses and stay indoors. That night, the angel of the LORD went through the land and struck down the first born of all Egyptians. However, the houses of the Israelites that had blood sprinkled on them were saved!

Christians believe that Jesus was the sacrifcial Lamb whose blood was spilt to save us from the Judgement of God. This Salvation is available to all those who believe this. You don't have to be a good person to be saved - just someone who admits that they need help. It's that simple!

In my last blog, I mentioned that I was worried about my late friend, Eddie because I did not know whether he had accepted Christ. Yesterday I received an email from my sister-in-law, which I'm sure she won't mind me sharing here

'Last week on Monday Kags (my brother) called me and told me that Eddy was seriously sick. In fact he spent the whole day in hospital and when he came back in the evening he was so worried that Eddy wouldnt make it... So the following morning we went together and when we reached he (Eddie) was a bit delusional but recognised us, so there and then I made him accept Christ and I told him to repeat some words after me and he repeated them willingly. He died the next day in the morning....'

I believe that Eddie accepted Christ, made his peace with God and is in heaven right now. I grieve that he is gone, but I am comforted in the hope that I will see him again! God is merciful!

Dear Reader, the fact that you are reading this suggests that God is interested in You, and wants to bring you into relationship with Him. Don't wait until your deathbed to accept Christ. Accept Him Today! Sprinkle the Blood of Jesus on the doorframe of your heart and be saved!

Edwin Bakuta 1975 - 2006

Yesterday, I received the kind of text message dreaded by all Ugandans living away from home.

“Kim there is no way of telling you this well but Ed B just passed on…”

Rock Steady Eddie, Bakumurphs, and Mr SMACK, childhood best friend...Dead!!!

The Bakuta’s were the only household with a video player, which made it a focal point for all teens in the Estate where we grew up. We spent many days watching and memorising videos. When we weren’t doing this, we just chilled out, regaling each other with tales. Eddie had a ‘way’ with words and could really work an audience. His razor sharp memory meant that he could repeat word for word just about anything he had seen and heard and we were often mesmerised with his brilliant stories, putting his own spin on events, little embellishments here and there- as we say in Uganda “adding soup!” Sometimes, even I wouldn’t recognise experiences we’d been through together!!!
I guess this was our way of escaping from our dysfunctional families and strict fathers; a fact that we constantly had to hide from a society that assumed that just because we were “rich kids”, we had everything and couldn’t possibly have any issues. Behind the laughter and stories, the truth was Eddie was deeply troubled, living in the constant shadow of his father’s disapproval; who often insulted and compared him unfavourably in front of us. Eddie just shrugged it off and pretended indifference. But we all knew how it hurt!
He was extremely loyal and constantly raved about his friends. Sometimes, when he introduced me to new people, I found myself under pressure to live up to the ‘persona’ he’d portrayed to them. As far as he was concerned, I was a brilliant, top person and anyone else who thought different was an asshole. My one-man fan club! Even his girlfriends envied me. Ever since I heard the news, I’ve been flooded with memories – stealing his dad’s car and going for wild rides, attempting to pass us off as part of the family at his parents exclusive’club’, sneaking away to youth parties in the middle of the night, practicing dance moves from music videos, looking at our first porn magazines, practicing our first snogs on each other, drinking illegally brewed alcohol in the slums of Kabalagala, sharing heartaches!
Then we grow up. We drift away and childhood memories fade away, until something like death brings them back into focus. I became a Christian, and couldn’t reconcile my new lifestyle to the old wild one I'd shared with Eddie, and so I gradually withdrew and broke all ties with him. The last time I was in Uganda, in 2005, we met up for a drink. We almost missed didn’t but God in His great mercy enabled it! Eddie was still the same with his stories! Even though he was working a shit job, and was obviously broke, he insisted on paying for the drinks! Life was looking up with his new girlfriend. We parted with a warm hug. Now I wish I’d said more- let him know that I loved him, shared with him what I was really feeling in my heart.
Eddie died in hospital from pneumonia on the morning of 5 April 2006. He was only 30! I feel guilty that I never shared the Gospel with him and I am plagued with the thought “Is he in Heaven or Hell?” I wish I’d never alienated myself from him, I wish I’d been a friend!
I wish… I wish!
My only prayer is that Eddie has finally found what eluded him for most of his life…Peace.
I thank God that he put Eddie in my life for a season, and I pray that I never again take for granted all the other people he has placed in my world. To all my friends reading this, I love you!

The Five Factor Personality Test

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium.You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Arghh!!!!!

Our House Group is studying "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren.

We read a chapter a day and meet up for stimulating weekly discussions. I feel that as we share from our hearts, we are drawing closer to each other. I have developed a special fondness for each and every one of them- except Martin. In last week's discussion he came out with this theory about sin being passed on by the Male sperm because Jesus was conceived of a virgin and had no sin... Therefore sin is passed on through the male sperm! Just how is this a useful contribution to a discussion on infant baptism? Who bloody cares where sin comes from anyway?

Actually he really wound me up at Trevor's party last Saturday! Because I'd invited other House Group members to a "Murder Mystery" dinner that I'm organising over Easter, I felt obliged to ask Martin too. He pulls out his palm pilot, and says "Oh, I'm free that evening but can't confirm anything because Trevor and I might have plans that weekend!" (does Trevor, who is in the other room, have a say in this?) "We are going away on a holiday which we haven't booked yet... don't know what day we'll leave... Haven't planned..." Bla bla bla!

Such 'enthusiasm'!

At this point I am deeply regretting why I asked him in the first place. Why can't he just say he doesn't WANT to come for the dinner instead of stalling with all manner of excuses. I explain that when planning a"Murder Mystery"dinner, I really need confirmations because I have to assign characters, give guests plenty of time to look for the right costumes and also plan the meal. If someone doesn't show up or cancels at the last minute, it spoils everything! And since nothing's been agreed yet with Trevor, they could plan around the dinner! I can't believe it... I'm actually begging this moron to come.

He sighs angrily and announces to the entire party,

"Alright, the only thing I can confirm is that I WON'T be coming then!" Whips out palm pilot... deletes my name and then storms out the room. House Group leader Phil (bless him), breaks up the awkward silence that ensues with

"Oh, is that Martin having a "Martin" moment?

Martin, What a Juvenile idiot - no wonder he's still single! Social skills, tact, sensitivity... ZERO!!

For one moment, I consider invitingTrevor, just out of spite, but I think to myself "No Kim, that is not the Christian attitude. Just drop it!" It would give me profound satisfaction if Trevor and the rest of House Group came, leaving Martin with NOTHING to do but stare at his palm pilot all evening! Oh yeah! The idea appeals to me! I just might phone Trevor.

The funny thing is that, earlier, one of the girl's mentioned that when she first joined House Group, she found Martin really irritating, but apparently he's now growing on her. To which I responded, "Well I've just joined House Group!"

Go figure!

Of Sitcoms and Real Life

I didn’t realise how much I liked "Will & Grace" until I spent the money that I’d set aside for new trainers on Series 2 and 3 DVD'S (Shows how much I rate personal fitness on my list of priorities).
A quick summary for the uninitiated: -
‘Will & Grace’ is a sitcom revolving around the life of 4 people living in New York. Will is a lawyer, uptight, control freak, gay and mostly unlucky in love. Grace, his best friend and roommate is an interior designer, self-obsessed, competitive, with the unfortunate habit of dating gay men. Karen is Grace’s office assistant who comes into work at 10.30, takes 4-hour lunch breaks and spends the time in between catalogue shopping, filing her nails and criticising Grace’s dress sense. Jack is the unemployed, free loading, flamboyantly gay ‘juvenile’ one.

The relationship between the 2 characters Will & Grace echoes my previous relationships with guys. I can relate to that special ‘closeness' that is a touch above sibling relationship and below the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. This kind of relationship is characterised by fierce competition, inside jokes, shared interests, advice, morale support.. bitter arguments. Most people find it weird for a grown man and woman to be ‘best friends’. Such a concept does not exist in Uganda. If 2 people of the opposite sex are regularly seen together, then clearly “There is ‘Something' between them!”
For me that "Something" was a level of immaturity that existed to meet short term companionship needs without the inconvenience of dealing with real issues of commitment and intimacy. Perhaps this kind of relationship only lasts in the ‘Sitcom world’. My friend Stephen recognised this, decided to grow up and move on, while I desperately clung on to my “security blanket”. Suddenly we were tugging in different directions, and it all ripped painfully apart.
I was reading today in ‘The Purpose Driven Life’ by Rick Warren’s, that God’s ultimate goal for my life on earth is not comfort, but character development. Lately I feel my turn has come and God is suddenly in the habit of tipping me out of my comfort zone. Following the demise of my 7-year friendship, I am now forced to examine the real reason why I am only attracted to ‘unavailable’ men and freak out every time a guy shows interest. Perhaps I am meant to be Single? Sounds reasonable enough. However, I know it just does not wash. If I'm ever to grow up emotionally, I should be willing to take a risk and dive head first into this scary world of commitment and sharing