Sacred Romance

Sorry I’ve been so quiet!

I bought this book ‘The Sacred Romance – Drawing Closer to the Heart of God’ by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge a few years ago while on holiday in the USA. Courtesy of my 15 day Amtrak Rail pass, a good chunk of my time was spent travelling and I’d thought the book would help pass the time.

I was mistaken!

It’s one of those books that call for deep reflection – those of you who know me, know that I prefer to wade in the shallow realms of human thought. So at that time the book was just not for me and I never got past the first few chapters. It's been gathering dust on my bookshelf for years and I only unearthed last weekend while spring cleaning. There’s a time and season for everything, and I suppose this was my time to read the book.

Was planning to review it here, but there’s so much good stuff in it, and it's really difficult to summarise. All I can say is that if you are at a point in your life where the ‘Romance’ has gone (you know what I’m talking about), and you are just going through the motions of Christianity…
…or you feel there is something missing, and feel a deep yearning, an 'unconsolable longing', as the authors put it, and have tried to recapture this 'elusive something', with all the prescribed Christian formulae (i.e. get more involved in ministry, step up bible reading, read more Christian books...) Maybe you've distracted yourself with work, relationships, hobbies... or like me, have numbed/killed all dreams, desires and passions so as not to be disappointed.

And the longing is still there!!! You know there's got to be more to your relationship with God, because you've had brief glimpses of it, for example- when you first became a Christian!

Then maybe this book would be a good read for you. It might help you discover the reason why you lost the Romance in the first place and may prove to be a helpful companion in your journey back to your First Love?

Glorious Ruins

...think for a moment about the millions of tourists who visit ancient sites like the Parthenon, the Colosseum, and the Pyramids. Though ravaged by time, the elements, and vandals through the ages, mere shadows of their former glory, these ruins still awe and inspire. Though fallen, their glory cannot be fully extinguished. There is something at once sad and grand about them. And such we are. Abused neglected, vandalised, fallen - we are still fearful and wonderful. We are as one theologian put it "glorious ruins." But unlike those grand monuments, we who are Christ's have been redeemed and are being renewed as Paul said, "day by day," restored in the love of God
Excerpt from ' The Sacred Romance, Drawing Closer to the Heart of God' by Brent Curtis & John Eldredge - Chap 7, "The Beloved" page 94

Breaking hair?

"You hair breaking… you know?"

"Huh?"!!!

I looked up at my hairdresser’s frowning face. I'd been struggling all afternoon to understand his thick Jamaican accent, and was not sure I'd heard him right.
So he repeated again more slowly

"You...hair...breaking"

"What? Where?"

I thought he'd point out one strand; instead he went...

"Here... here... here... this... whole sekshan (section)... here… here..."

I turned around, as if to see the back of my head more clearly and when this manoeuvre failed, sat in silence, digesting this information.

How can my hair break? I have dreadlocks, which means that it hasn't seen a comb or brush in almost 9 months. I always wear it loose and apart from moisturising, I hardly ever touch my hair!

When I could speak again, I asked,

"What causes breakage?"

"Donknow... could be you pregnant or could be genetic, or maybe you stress?"

Then he went on to talk about bright shiny bald patches, and how women can get them too.

"You mean I've got bald patches???"
"No, it not that bad"

Well, unless I've had the Immaculate Conception that rules out pregnancy!
Genetics - my family has full heads of hair. Bald patches if any, appear at the top and not at the back of the head (where most of the breakage is)

So that only leaves stress

What am I stressed about?

I started mentally listing all the stuff I was anxious about, and had to stop because the list was growing. Then I started feeling guilty because the Bible says in Philippians 4 that we should not to be anxious about anything, but give our concerns to God in prayer and thanksgiving. So that’s another area of personal failure- an inability to let go of worry.
Perhaps I don’t trust that God will sort stuff out. Most of my worries are caused by my fear of confrontation, procrastination, poor financial management, indiscipline. I am the root cause of all my problems and the only way to deal with it is to make positive changes on myself.

But to do this, I need moral support; just like the time at University when I was too scared to sign off at the Library because I’d lost one of my library cards. The implications of this were that the Library Supervisor could either refuse to sign me off (thus affecting my Graduation) or charge me a fee which I couldn’t pay. I remember agonising all week about it, imagining the worst case scenario, until Joanne Aniku offered to come along with me to the Library. She didn’t do anything else apart from holding and giving my hand a reassuring squeeze, but I took courage from the fact that she was there. When we got to the Library it turned out not to be a big deal, the missing library card was not even mentioned and it was all over in 5 minutes. It’s been 10 years but I’ll never forget what Joanne did for me and I owe her big time.
I give off the impression that I’m independent and self sufficient. But I’m not really. It takes a lot out of me emotionally to deal with things, and I can’t rely on God to hold my hand because He cannot; He is not a physical being!
I’m struggling in London because I don’t have a support network. My sister is not talking to me, my brother prefers not to get involved and I don’t have any close friends near by who can take time out to be there. They all live so far away
So I guess I am stressed and now my hair is breaking!!!

Easter Weekend!

Right now it is snowing! How weird is that! Last year's Easter I went roller blading (badly) in Hyde Park and the next day walking in beautiful rural Essex.

This year has been different! It's been freezing cold. On Thursday night I was having a bath, when my bathroom heater decided to conk out on me! Nothing like getting out of a warm bath into a freezing room!

The Good Friday service was beautiful. Our assistant Vicar, who used to be an actor, organised a Passion Play. This involved readings from the gospel and inviting the congregation to use their imagination and participate during the crowd scenes e.g at the Last Supper when Jesus says - "One of you is about to betray me", they all whispered, "Surely not I?" Or when the crowd shouts to Pilate to release Barrabbus, they all shouted, "Release the criminal".

The tech team helped play the sound effects - 'wind rustling in trees', 'stamping feet', 'Passion of the Christ'-like background music.

Dave, who used to be head of tech team (but hasn't fully grasped what 'stepping down' really means) was in charge. He was tired, cranky and at one point, quite short with me because I did not understand a technical term. So straight after the service I went home before I could get even more annoyed!
On the Saturday evening, Trudi and I went for the 'London Safari Newly Single' meetup in a pub in Farringdon. There were a couple of guys I really got along with- Taz from Malaysia and Suguru from Japan. Lovely guys!

Sunday morning, I opened my front door to this...

So funny to see Yati in braids! I was just so excited to see her back from her holiday in Jamaica, and to hear all the stories she had to tell! Not to mention the 63% proof Wray and Nephew rum she brought back with her -we'll be making a lot of cocktails in the near future!

The braids didn't last long - she'd taken them out by evening!

Clare and Phil hosted lunch at their place, so a group of us went over and chilled. Afterwards, I dropped in at my nephew's who greeted me with a scowl and "What are you doing here?" Clearly I should visit more often! I stayed only 10 minutes - it just felt too awkward.

To further add to the awkwardness, I found my sister Ngonzi back at the flat helping Yati with her hair. She totally blanked me when I said hello and rebuffed any efforts to start a conversation. Clearly she's decided not to forgive me (she hasn't spoken to me since September!!!) Well if she wants to be like that!

So it's been an eventful Easter with highs (the meet up, Trudi, Yati, lunch at Clare and Phil's) and lows (Dave, Immanuel and Ngonzi)

In a weird place

It's coming up to the long Easter weekend! 4 whole days off work! Yati is away on holiday. Apart from church, there is not much else to do.
Times like these make me think nostalgically about my church in Uganda -Kampala Pentecostal Church. I really miss my friends. The problem with nostalgia is that one tends to gloss over the bad bits and everything takes on a rosy haze! It wasn't ALL good, but at least it was better than St Barnabas.

Last Sunday's 5pm service was about friendship. The preacher made an interesting observation, have you ever noticed that when you walk into a Christian bookstore, you won't find any books on Friendship. In fact this was the first sermon I've heard on the subject. It is mentioned in passing in Singleness seminars, as if the subject is only relevant to Singles. The group I sat in to discuss the sermon were all married couples with children. They felt that they didn't have time to invest in friendships because of family committments. One of the guys said to me
"It must be easier for you to make friends because you are still a student"

Aside from the fact that I am not a student, it isn't!! I still find it difficult making friends at St B's.

This is how it goes...
-we meet in church on Sundays,
-at house group on Wednesdays or
-at worship practice on Thursdays.
There is no time to have conversations or build close relationships within the limited time. Also we are focussed on whatever is at hand -be it the service, bible study or worship practice.
People seem quite happy to know you within the 'church' context, but always give the impression that they are busy at any other times.
Just this morning, a guy in my House Group put on Facebook that he'd just got engaged. We've been in the same group for over 2 years and I didn't even know he had a girlfriend! See what I mean?

Maybe it is just the culture of London. People prefer to keep things impersonal- it is easier that way! The cost of a good honest solid friendship seems to outweigh the benefits.

I miss my prayer partners Mboni and Shifa; hanging out with Sharpe, Sam, Trinity, the Gospel dancers; spending nights at the Ojera's; having tea at Ricky Eyaru's or Ronnie Mananu's; having people drop in at my home; being invited to my friend's family parties. That just doesn't happen here.

Jesus told us in John 15:12 to love one another as He has loved us. It says somewhere else in John I think that the world will know that we are Christians because we love each other. This is one of the things that make us stand out from the crowd! I'm sorry, but love isn't restricted to insincere, 'How are you's? and "Fine's" said with fake smiles on a Sunday morning.

The church leadership recently introduced a 'Getting to know each other' section in the service. Questions are put up on the powerpoint to help members of the congregation have a 5 minute conversation with someone they do not know. It's a start. I don't know whether it will address the real issue. Maybe they should get us to arrange a coffee date instead of just chatting at church. That would require more effort and take people outside their comfort zones.

I've been trying to change the mindset of the people in my House Group ever since I joined. We start every year with a resolution to develop better friendships... the year goes by and then it is time again to make the same resolution. I organise about 90% of the socials. I guess I should be grateful that at least 10% gets done by the others.

I wish there was a way to bring about lasting change?

Murder Mystery Flop

I should have planned it better!

1) The food was late
2) Guests were late
3) Some of the major characters didn't even bother to show up,
4) A few guests were not really mingling and needed a lot of cajoling to get them to participate
5) The murder victim was supposed to 'die' before dinner. However he could only do this after he'd had a few confrontations with certain guests. This was difficult because said guests turned up late or didn't show!!!
The food was getting cold!
I pulled him aside and said "Sod the guests, I need you to 'die' now!!!"
He nodded as though he understood and then I saw him wandering around the room, not dying!!
So I announce to the room
"Dinner is ready, and 'Big Jim' would like to make an 'announcement'".
I nod at him meaningfully as this is his cue to start the speech, that will set off the set of events leading to his death, i.e. lights go off, a loud gunshot is heard and then he 'dies' in dramatic fashion.

Instead he threw open the shutters to the kitchen and announced to all the guests
"Dinner is ready!!"

(groan)

It all went downhill at that point!

So while the guests were eating, he decided to 'die'. Of course, at this point people were more concerned about their dinner, and consequently there was very little reaction to his 'death'

We had a couple more 'deaths' later on in the evening- still no reaction. They were a hard crowd!

And then I forgot to give the inspector the 'Evidence'

Some said they enjoyed themselves!

I felt so bad!

Where did it all go wrong! I've organised 4 of these before and they have NEVER flopped!!!!

I'll need to do this again to convince myself that I am not a failure!

Ignorance!

Sometimes you are confronted with ignorance that leaves you speechless!

At Home Group we were discussing an upcoming Besom project. Besom is a charity that helps to bridge the gap between those who want to give time, money, things or skills and those who are in need.
The guy we’ll be helping in a couple of week’s time is a widower whose wife just died from AIDS. He and his son are not coping very well.

Well, as you can imagine we were all excited, me especially because I feel as a church we need to be out there in the community helping people, instead of hiding in our ‘holy huddles’

Martin has health and safety concerns about the HIV

???

Apparently, he once had to turn down an application from a student who wanted to join his martial arts academy that had Hepatitis B, because he discovered that this could be transmitted by contact of any bodily fluid, including sweat. He concluded,

“We just don’t know enough about HIV and how it is transmitted.”

Huh?

Maybe it is because I’m from Uganda where there is an ongoing public awareness campaign about HIV. But you’d have thought that a 40+ year old, middle class Briton would not be so ignorant.

So what is he really saying? That we shouldn’t help or interact with this guy because he might have HIV?

Anyway, it’s not like as if we will be exchanging body fluids with the guy or his child? The most we’ll do is probably clean, paint and decorate- hardly the type of activity that would expose us to the virus. We wasted about 20 minutes of valuable house group time addressing this ‘issue’. There was talk about protective clothing, masks, gloves etc! All the time I was thinking “What the fuck!”
I told them
“I don’t know about any of you, but I will not be wearing protective clothing against HIV. I have interacted with people who have HIV. I have hugged them, and I don’t think I’ve got it. But if I do, then ya’ll at risk because at some point I have hugged and kissed you!”
Can you imagine how the guy would feel if we all turned wearing anti-contamination suits?
I was soooo upset!!!

Thoughts on 'Albertine'

A friend lent me Brooke Fraser’s album ‘Albertine’ named for a Rwandese orphan whose mother, during the 1994 Rwandan Genocide, laid down her life to save her daughter.

Would I lay down my life for someone? “Probably not”… self- preservation features quite high on my list of priorities.

However maybe I am not as selfish as I think. There is this time someone threatened to hit my mother with an iron bar. My brother and I stood in front of her, totally willing to take the beating. My only thought then was to protect her. So I could possibly lay down my life for someone I love.

But would I do it for someone I didn’t even know in the way that bodyguards, firemen, Aid workers in war zones, law enforcement officers etc do? Whenever they go to work they are putting their lives on the line.
I wonder how often we show them and their families’ appreciation?

Would I do it for someone who hated me? You know, like Jesus did?

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5: 6 – 8)

What about all those missionaries who go out into territories that are hostile to the Gospel? I hear about the underground church and torture stories in China, and also stuff like those South Korean missionaries who were abducted in Afghanistan last year. What is it about Christianity that makes non-Christians feel so threatened!!!

But even if I was not able to make the ultimate sacrifice (i.e. death) and instead interpreted ‘laying down your life’ as putting aside your creature comforts, time, money for the sake of someone else, could I do that?

This has been such a challenge for me. A friend with mental health problems has nowhere to stay, and has been phoning up to ask for my help in accomodating her. I don't know how to deal with her illness (even though she was sectioned, she doesn't think she is ill), besides I have no room. I told her that I couldn't put her up, but she still phones me to ask. It's got to a point where I have started screening her calls. I feel so guilty! Surely the Bible tells us to love one another, even when it is uncomfortable! But how do I show love to my friend? What would Jesus do?

I still have a very long way to becoming more like Jesus!

Oasis

I am beginning to weary of this Oasis Programme
The only thing we seem to do is talk about our personal history (strong emphasis on relationship with your parents) and analyse how this has influenced our character and impacted on our relationship with God. You go through this process with 2 others, helped along by a couple of facilitators who pray aloud for you individually.

I've opened up a lot and if I'm being honest, beginning to feel slightly resentful about letting 4 strangers (albeit well-meaning) into the intimate details of my life.
At the last meeting I told them about my decision to stop getting stressed,
"I don't really care about how good or bad my relationship with God is. It's not big deal anymore!"
There was an 'atmosphere' in the room as the facilitators exchanged glances. One of them said
"So this is how you are going to deal with your issues, deny that they exist and hope they go away"
"No, I'm just not going to think about them anymore!"
"But isn’t this how you normally deal with your problems?"
"No, I normally obsess about them, comfort eat, grow fat, steep myself in self pity, say cynical, pessimistic things and spoil everyone's day. I actually think this new approach is brilliant."

"But what about your relationship with your father"

Yes what about it? We've talked this out to death now. The way I see it, talking about it hasn't really helped now, has it? It's always going to be a distant relationship.
Really this is clutching at straws.

Then I got a whole lecture about how we are almost coming to an end and they expect to see some sort of progress. Also have I read through the book they gave me at the start by Stuart Lees, ‘Will The Real Me Please Stand Up’? One of the other girls constantly refers to it during the session and it is clear she is getting a lot out of it. The facilitators thought I hadn’t read it (I did – just hated his writing style). And then have I kept the 'optional' journal to help me process my thoughts and track my progress. Okay this one I haven’t done, because it is boring. Who writes things in ink anymore?
Afterwards when they were praying for me, one of them had a "picture" (this is an 'Anglicanism' I've never quite got used to; in Pentacostalese the word for it is "vision"). In this ‘picture’, I was holding a megaphone, the broad side of which had been taped up. Her interpretation was that she felt that my real voice was blocked and I was not expressing the real me. I looked her straight in the eye and said
"Whenever I am honest with people, I offend them. So now I tell them what they want to hear and life is easier for all of us"
I’m debating whether I should honestly tell them that I think this Oasis programme is a “waste of time” for me. Or should I just scribble something random in the journal, throw in a few things about my father; cry a little... anything to get them off my case. Make them happy.

I acknowledge that the BIG loser here is me. But there’s a point in life where you get tired of ‘believing’ that things will change. I think I've got enough “Christian morality” to get me through life. And even though my current situation is not ideal (what is ideal?), any changes will take time.
So I say “Relax and just go with the flow!”

What is it with making resolutions... and then life not falling into place to allow you to stick to them!
Now that I stopped stressing about God I've started reading my Bible. It just happened- unaccompanied by the usual call-yourself-a-Christian-and-you-don't-even-read-your-bible? You hypocrite guilt. I dug out the St B's annual reading plan, and just started reading. And I've done this daily since Friday. No profound revelations yet, but it's a start.

And then about guys.
Well... there's this one guy who is sending out STRONG "I really like you" vibes. He hasn't said anything yet and I don't want to read too much into it. But he invites me for things, asks probing questions, is interested in learning about me, my culture, life and actually remembers what I tell him (No Kemi... I don't test him). Perhaps he just wants to hang out with me as a friend...although I have been told by a mutual friend that he's 'looking'... And then my "crush" from church has started showing reluctance in bringing our conversations to a close. It's happened on a couple of occasions and feels really strange for me to be the one to end the conversation. Six months ago, I would have been prolonging the precious moment. Shame he is much younger than me!

What was the other one? Oh yes, career! Well nothing new there yet

Murder Mystery update...
Decided to have it on St Patricks' day, 17 March. One of the guys is sorting out a large venue for me. I'm making it a Tech team pre-Easter party and inviting a few people from the Worship team. Too many men though, and not enough women (An exception to church's normal rules of social engagement?). I downloaded the game from Internet today and it looks exciting!

A New Purpose

So I've decided to stop stressing out about

• where I am with God
• guys
• my career (or lack of one)

Instead I'm going to concentrate on things that I'm good at...like hospitality which I believe is one of my gifts.

Perhaps not 'long term' hospitality as in hosting guests for a month - my sister, Ngonzi, who stayed over last Summer is still traumatised by my 'hospitality' and hasn't talked to me since!!!

I think I'm good at short term stuff like... for an evening, a weekend, a week? I'm looking for the right word...

Entertaining!

That's it! Can this be classified as a spiritual gift? It is certainly something I truly enjoy and get very excited about.

This weekend, I've invited Home group around to chill, watch DVD's, eat Pizza. Which probably means that only Martin will come (sigh) I've given up on the rest. The only time they want to socialise is on 'formal' occasions and the concept of just 'chilling' is alien to them. It could be a cultural thing, or an age thing - after all I am the youngest in the group. But then again Martin is the oldest in the Group so that doesn't make sense!

I'm also thinking of putting on a murder mystery dinner party soon. I haven't hosted one in ages. Was talking about it the other day with some people in church who were up for the idea. Now all I need is 14 more.

This is exciting!!!

Alternate Realities

For last week’s home group our leader, Belinda, brought some materials and asked us to create something that portrays where we are at with God. Ann Marie, immediately started cutting out a spiral shape from card and made roses from tissue to create a 3D masterpiece. I turned to Trevor who was sitting next to me and said
“Well Trev, you’re the architect here. No pressure but…” with a meaningful nod at Ann Marie’s work… “I’m expecting greater things from you!”
It turns out that it had been a long work day for him and he was out of inspiration. At least that’s the excuse he gave me.

I made this…

I’m on the Salvation boat with all the other Christians. However, unlike them, I am not enjoying the ride. I feel very isolated because I cannot relate to them.

I also cannot see God in the boat, just other people. I think they can see God, so why can’t I?

In fact I feel like one of those dwarves in C.S. Lewis’ seventh Narnia book, “The Last Battle”.
In Chapter 13, King Tirian goes through a stable door to find a paradise that's much bigger than the stable. In this ‘Stable Paradise’ are 11 Dwarfs, who can't perceive the paradise. To them, it looks like an ordinary stable and they can only perceive sounds, smells, sights, and touches in terms of the "Stable Reality’. The wall of the stable in their reality is solid to them. However, that same wall is nonexistent to people in the "Paradise Reality", and they can see the light, smell the flowers, and eat the fruit of Paradise.
People like my friend Mary for instance. Over the last few weeks she has been sharing here about how God has brought her through a really difficult time. Her faith is still strong. She still quotes bible verses in a meaningful way- they sound more than just platitudes. She still delights in Worship music… no, not in the music…
In God!
By comparison, I’ve had relatively small trials (rejection, frustration, lack of direction etc), and feel utterly crushed by them such that my faith is hanging by a thread. A very thin thread mind, invisible to the naked eye, because you see my faith is smaller than a mustard seed –microscopic even. I feel trapped inside my ‘Stable Reality’, but unlike the Dwarves, I know that there’s more to Christianity than this. I don't know, would it be better if I didn't know.

Chinese New Year

In the early hours of Sunday morning, there was a huge blaze in Camden Lock Market. This is one of my favourite places in London, and is always on my itinerary for visiting friends. So I went down to have a look at the devastation. Didn't see much as the whole area was cordoned off and firefighters were still hard at work. There were loads of bewildered tourists milling about, and the traffic was just awful.

This man ruined my afternoon!!!

Yati and I went to Chinatown to join in the Chinese New Year celebrations. There’s one restaurant we always go to called “New World Chinese Restaurant” for Dim Sum. It is usually good, but this time there wasn’t much variety on the trolleys, the duck was cold. Ordering a bowl of steamed rice was a task in itself. The trolley staff didn't seem to know who took the orders for the rice. For about 15 minutes, we tried in vain to catch the attention of the non-trolley staff. When Yati signalled to THIS MAN, he waved his hand dismissively and brushed past. SO RUDE!! My eyes met with one of the trolley staff who looked as shocked as we did. She tried to excuse his behaviour by saying that he was crazy. Even after this, still no one was stopping at our table, so I stood up and declared repeatedly in a loud querulous voice, "We just want a bowl of steamed rice.What does it take to get a bowl of rice in this establishment"

As if by magic, the rice appeared!!!

I've worked as waitress before, and can appreciate that it does get busy sometimes, but that’s no excuse to be rude to paying customers. Never again!

The fireworks at Leicester Square were obscured mainly by the large fig trees and resultant smoke. Not as spectacular as you would expect for a Chinese New Year Celebration. I think next year I’ll give the whole thing a miss!

Touring London

Oh oh! I'm an alien. I'm a legal alien, I'm a Ugandan in London!!!! Last weekend, Yati and me visited Borough Market for brunch! Winter is probably not the best time to go there, but in spite of the freezing cold there were lots of people there. We ended up eating fish and chips. One of the stalls was selling jams and preserves. The rhubarb and ginger jam was particularly yummy! For Harry Potter fans, there is a doorway from a scene in the third film, 'The Prisoner of Azkabhan'
The entrance into the British Museum definintely has WOW factor. It has a lovely latticed ceiling in the lobby that simply takes your breath away.

This is me outside the British Museum, sporting a new hat that I bought for a £1

The Egyptian room was kind of interesting. Yati striking a Japanese tourist pose. I think this was the Persian room

This room has large Egyptian sculptures. Looked more impressive in the film, The Mummy.

I'm glad that it is free of charge to get into the Museum, because I would feel absolutely gutted if I had to pay money for this.

On a jollier (is that correct?) note....

Periods arrived yesterday, so this has thrown some light on why I was feeling so depressed.

PMS!!!

It really does affect me emotionally. I remember a friend at Uni, used to have a go at me whenever I had PMS, saying "You don't have to give into the negative emotions. You can fight it!" A few years later, I heard that this same friend was undergoing serious clinical depression. My vindictive side wanted to phone her and say "Aha!" (I didn't... but really wanted to)

If only there was some way to predict when I get PMS. Maybe if I recognised that I was going through it, I'd plan to avoid company, or stop blogging...
The thing is, I never know when it will hit me because my periods are soooo irregular. I used to have them at the middle of the month, then at the end, now I have them at the beginning of the month!

Perhaps I could use the Natural Rhythm method.
I remember learning about it in my Catholic High School. It is based on three ideas.

1. Firstly, that women ovulate 14 days before menstruation begins, give or take two days.
2. Secondly, that sperm can survive inside a woman for three days.
3. And lastly, that an egg can only be fertilized within 24 hours of being released from the ovaries.

Based on these assumptions, the rhythm method requires a woman to count back 14 days from the first day of her period. This will presumably be the day on which she ovulated. In order to avoid pregnancy, she will need to abstain from sex (if she is a 'good' Catholic.... try saying "No" to a horny husband!) or for the rest of us, use another form of birth control.

Come to think of it, assuming that married people don't have sex when a woman is in her periods (yuck....GROSS), does this mean that they only do it for just ONE week of the month?
Hmm...somehow marriage doesn't seem so appealing after all...
On the other hand, that's 12 weeks more sex than I'm having so... not bad at all!!!!

Obviously the system is not 100% reliable. The presence of large Catholic families (including mine) is testament to this. In my whole lifetime (32 years), I have only met ONE woman for whom the rhythm method has actually worked!

I'll probably never use it, with my 'shifting' periods.

So I can't predict my PMS!

Oh bother!

Frustrated!

Yesterday I broke down at my fortnightly Oasis prayer meeting. The whole evening, tears had been welling up in my eyes, and I’d been chiding myself with a phrase my mother uses often

“Everyone has problems. No one wants to hear about your problems. So brace yourself and just get on with your life”

When it came to my turn to share my prayer requests, I couldn’t speak, and sat there sobbing.
I just feel overwhelmed with life. I am the author of my own misery because I keep putting off doing things that I need to do and now life feels like a huge tray marked “Urgent, pending”. The pile keeps growing and growing!

There are all these things that need doing around the house. My car has started making this strange sound in the engine whenever I turn the wheel. My friend has assured me that a vital element in the engine has worn away, and replacing it will cost more than the value of the car. I need to get some spare parts from scrap yard, but too scared to go there on my own. My flat needs a lot of essential repair work – replacing extractor fans, cooker and storage heaters. I don’t feel confident enough to deal with tradesmen, especially after I was ripped off by the guy who tiled my bathroom floor last year (he was recommended by a friend!!!) There are some accessories that need putting up in the bathroom, and I don’t have a drill that can do the work. Even if I did, I wouldn’t know how to do it because it involves drilling through the tiled wall.

In Uganda, there were always the guys from church or my mom would find and deal with the tradesmen for me. In England, it isn’t as easy to ask for help. I’m not comfortable asking the guys in my home group- we jsut don't have that kind of relationship. My brother isn’t particularly helpful and has a busy life. I’d have to nag him to do anything, and don’t really feel comfortable nagging, especially as beggars can’t be choosers.

So I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and alone!

Sexy Mama's!!!

Towards the end of last year, Yati and I impulsively signed up for burlesque dance classes.

A few days later, I was horrified when I overheard Yati trying to explain what burlesque was to a few members of my Barnabas Home Group. I deliberately had not told them about it (for obvious reasons). Martin didn’t even know what ‘burlesque’ meant (Probably pretending?) and wanted a demonstration.
Yati…“It’s kind of like ball room dancing, Latin style, that kind of thing…”
“Ohhhh!”
Hmm!
When I tell other people about my interest in burlesque (you know the ones who aren’t so holy), their first question is,
“Like Dita Von Teese?” (one of the most famous Modern Burlesque dancers)
“Urm… nooo… I was thinking more like PussyCat Dolls”
Okay PCD aren’t strictly burlesque, but they used to be- before they became world famous. And they look so sexy. I can just see myself doing that.
I just love the costumes, the confidence, femininity ( did I spell that right?)

Anyway went along to our first class last Monday. There were about 20 of us there so didn’t feel too daunting. Sharon, our instructor, had sent us an email beforehand telling us what to wear - any top and shorts . Or you could wear hot pants with a skirt, high heels… Yati wore hot pants, shorts AND a skirt. I just got some shorts.
In the class we practiced the sexy walk with Attitude, hip thrusts, shimmying, working the boa (lovingly through your fingers...) dancing with large ostrich feather fans (strippers use these to tease and open up to reveal), sitting sexily on a chair, steamy facial expressions. I felt a bit silly but damn I looked sexy!
Next week we will be learning how to take our stockings off in 4 different ways. And Sharon has asked us to wear opera gloves – don’t know what we’ll be doing with those. And in the last 10 minutes of the class, we’ll be learning how to swing tassels from our boobs.
“Some of you are shy and may not want to get all your kit off, so you can stick them over your bra”
Yati and I looked at each other. That would be us then.

I am really excited about the Pole dancing which commences in week 4.

Soon we’ll be ‘strutting our stuff’ like the PussyCat Dolls!
Doncha!!!

Weaknesses

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:7 - 10 NIV)

Yesterday the negative side of my melancholic personality took over. I occasionally have dark spells, and this time, rather than inflict it on my work colleagues; I thought I’d take the day off as Annual Leave, stay at home and feel sorry for myself.
I cried…read my bible, played my guitar...had breakfast… cried…prayed to God…cried… listened to Joyce Meyer’s ‘Confidence, Freedom To Be Yourself’ teaching series on CD…laughed…and then cried! In a frenzy, I de-junked, cleaned, vacuumed and polished my flat. Went out to the library and borrowed ‘Miss Potter’…watched it and…you guessed it… CRIED! At this point, the English would say in their typically dry fashion

“So a lot of crying then?”

A friend called and this really lifted my spirits. I felt loved again.

The day really brought me a revelation… or rather it highlighted one of my major weaknesses.

I am an extremely NEEDY person- constantly in need of reassurance, or for a sense of belonging. One of my Love languages according to Dr Gary Chapmans’ Five Love Languages is Quality time which means that I feel loved when people choose to spend time with me, invite me to events, call or email, include me in their lives…
When I don’t get this, my initial reaction is to interprete it as rejection. To protect myself, I withdraw from relationship with those who I think do not love me anymore.

I know… totally irrational!

Of course I recognise that people can’t always be there for me in the way that I want them to. The 'weight of expectation' can be overly demanding and will drive (and has driven) close friends away. People have different ways of expressing love and I acknowledge that… in my head.

I think it's important to recognise and accept your weaknesses, not live in secret frustration and self deception. We should be like participants of Alcoholics Anonymous who at their meetings introduce themselves as "Alcoholics". The first step in dealing with a problem is to acknowledge that you have it.

Whenever I feel rejected, I go into a kind of mourning period and say before God that, "Right now I am hurt, I feel unloved. I know this is not true, but this is how I feel"
I allow His Holy Spirit to reason with me, until what I know in my head translates into my heart. I'd like to say that this all happens in a short space of time. Sometimes it can take days, months, years...

I used to pray for God to take away my weaknesses , and would sing along with that Hillsong song

"Lord I've come to know, the weaknesses I see in me will be stripped away by the Power of Your Love"

But will He strip them away in this lifetime? That would be GREAT! Marvelous, Fantastic even! But I don't think God will take away our weaknesses while we are here on earth. So we need to stop beating ourselves up about them. These flaws are in-built and are a reminder of our human fallibility. Everytime we come face to face with our weaknesses, let it be our cue to draw closer to God

Praise be to God for His wonderful grace and whose strength is made perfect in our weakness.

New Years Eve!

Excitement at the beginning of the evening!! In my Arabian Nights (Princess Jasmine) costume and Cher wig

This was taken after cocktail number 2 and again!

Yati beginning to nod off after Cocktail number 3

What is this? What is this? It's not even midnight!!!

So here's the person I saw in the New Year with! Asleep at a quarter to 12!!!

Happy New Year Everybody!

Reviewing 2007

One of my 2007 resolutions was to make my relationship with God a priority

I signed up for an intense counselling/prayer 12 week programme at my church called Oasis which, according to the label, helps identify and deal with areas that are preventing me from having a close relationship with God. It is a very emotional process, characterised by a lot of tears, painful memories and repentance. I realised that I had a distorted image of God as Father, based on my relationship with my earthly father, and did not really trust Him. Being a person who sees everything in ‘black and white’ it is difficult for me to have a balanced perspective of God. He loves me profoundly, but this means that He loves me too much to leave me unchanged and in bondage to sin. This ‘tough love’ aspect terrified me and resulted in me spending less time in personal prayer or even reading the Bible, lest He highlighted yet another thing I had to change or do. I just thought I was never good enough, so full of sin and bad habits, and if I listened to God I would receive endless criticism of the “why-can’t-you-be-like-so-and-so” variety. So I dealt with it by avoiding Him. Even as I type this, I get emotional, a sure indicator that I haven’t been fully set free in this area
Another issue was my physical appearance. All my female relatives are feminine and beautiful and for a long time I felt plain and ugly in comparison. Through the Oasis programme, I’ve changed the way I view myself.

I am beautiful.

Oh some times I revert and feel intimidated by beautiful women, but I’ve learnt how to recognise that they just have a different kind of beauty to mine. After all, a rose looks different from a tulip or a dahlia, but they are all beautiful flowers! I never thought I’d say that about myself. And this confidence has translated into the way I carry myself, dress or exercise and interact with people.

This was going to be a post about my New Years resolutions, but it’s become too long, so I’ll save that for the next