I've been reading a book by Leil Lowndes called 'How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks For Big Success In Relationships'
I particularly need it because even though I can start conversations, for some reason I can't seem to sustain them. I guess due to my legal training, I have a tendency to ask 'closed' questions a.k.a. cross examination style. But even when I make an effort to ask 'open' questions and really listen to the answers, the conversation still fall flat. I end up desperately filling the gaps with something 'interesting' about myself. When their eyes start to glaze over, I realise... oops... I've lost them!!
It's ok when I talk to naturally talkative people - no problem there. It just feels like everyone else is hard work.
The book gives little tips that I have started to put into practice. For example, there was a chapter on 'parrotting' - repeating the last thing a person said. I didn't think it could work until I tried it out on someone who traditionally isn't very forthcoming in his conversation
Me: "What did you do last weekend?"
Him; "Last SaturdayI went to the gym."
I parrotted, "The gym?"
Him: "Yeah, the gym. I like to go for about an hour, do a bit of cardio and then weights"
Me (thinking, hey this parrotting thing really works, he's never said a sentence that long to me before) "Cardio?"
Him: "Yeah, I run on the treadmill for a bit, then the cross trainer"
Me: "Cross trainer?"
Him: "Yeah the cross trainer, it really gets my heart going..."
Okay don't over use the 'parrotting' thing because it gets tideous after a while, but it really does work. There are other communication techniques in the book, but can't reproduce them all here or I'll be accused of breaching copyright.
Good conversation skills, like all things, have to be worked at. My new team is male dominated, so conversation topics revolve around football, rugby and geeky stuff - something I don't know much of. The few women talk about TV soaps and their children. Again, something I don't find terribly interesting. As such I can't really join in, and I am beginning to feel ever so slightly isolated? I could be imagining things, but I would really like to be the kind of person they want to talk to, invite out to lunch or drinks after work (been here 2 months and not even one invite...)
Lowndes says that even though you don't know much about a topic, you can still have a conversation about it. You don't have to be an expert in the field, but just know enough to ask the right questions and understand the jargon. To do this, she suggests that when you buy a newspaper, don't go straight to the section that you like (for me it's 'The Ridiculant, Travel section, Cartoon strip and Sudoku in Metro). Instead read something that you wouldn't normally read (that would be the Sports section) for a few weeks. I've tried this for the last week. It's really difficult. Who are these people? In football there is the Premier League, Champions League, UEFA cup. How do you keep up with all these games, and the names of the teams and it's members? And then keeping up with rugby and cricket?? Ai yai yai! It's just so boring!!! So and so kicked the ball, and so and so got sent off the field! Oh yeah.. REALLY INTERESTING! (note the sarcasm here)
But, if this is going to help me fit in to the team, I'll go for it! At least for another few weeks.
Next I'll have to start reading TV Soap magazine so that I can at least know the names of the characters in the soaps.
