Shelling Peas...

My brother was interested in a girl whom he visited often, took out on dates. The relationship was undefined and we would ask him what the deal was? Did he like her as more than just a friend? Had he asked her to be his girlfriend? My mother remarked drily that if he was not careful, he would lose her because he was too busy 'shelling peas'! (okutondora enkuku)

The old Kinyoro story goes that a guy who liked a girl, used to hang around her homestead, participating in communal activities like 'shelling peas' and entertaining her family with stories. He eventually came to be accepted as a good friend but never so much as hinted at his true feelings for the girl.
One day a warrior arrived, and with great flourish stuck his spear into the ground in the front courtyard announcing
"I have come for a wife, and this is the girl I want!!!"
The girl married the warrior, and the original guy lost her!

So whenever a guy is vacillating about a particular girl, he is said to be 'shelling peas'

My updated photo on all the dating websites has generated an incredible amount of responses and confirmed that men just look at photos and don't really read through profiles. Ever since I started online dating again, the Rules for Online Dating: Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in Cyberspace by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider have become my Manual!

According to the 'Rules', you should only respond to emails. Replies must be short and breezy. (I'm still trying to get the hang of that). Hopefully the guy will realise that if he wants to know you better he should do so in the real world - not online. If by the 4th email he has not asked for your phone number or out on a date, then he just isn't serious. Delete/Next!
This week, I've been exchanging emails with this guy. A Christian, which makes a pleasant change to the 'atheists' or the 'spiritual' guys who have been contacting me. He's from up North (I have a soft spot for Northerners), has a sense of humour and we appear to have a lot in common.
However, by email no 4 he still had not asked me for my number. I thought to myself, let's give him another chance, broke the 'Rules' and sent him a reply.
Email No 5 came and STILL NOTHING!
It's really tough, but I'm going to have to delete him. That's the fourth guy this month! Sigh!

I want to be pursued and wooed by that warrior who knows what he WANTS and goes for it.
Not some ambiguous 'pea sheller'

Fitness Freak!

Saturday morning I tried out a new circuit training class. This is basically divided up into different work stations and you spend 5 minutes at each of them.
At the boxing post I was assigned this lady. First I held up those glove pads for her to punch. I kid you not, her face looked so scary, and with each punch she landed she would exhale air with a forceful ‘HU-AHH!’ I kept backing away until I was up against the mirror. When it came to my turn, my punches were a bit half hearted. You see, big tall people like me have a tendency to temper our full strength because

1) we are big and tall and
2) If we hit with all our strength we would cause serious damage

The lady started shouting at me,

“Come on!!! You can hit harder than that! Come on! Is that all you’ve got!”

I was glad when the instructor told us to move to the next station. Phew!

The other stations were mainly weights (my arms are still aching), skipping, running up and down, and press ups using a stability ball. I managed to only get in one press up but kept falling over. Apparently, I need to learn how to hold in my abdominal muscles and squeeze my bum tight in order to balance.
We finished off with some abdominal exercises. My boxing partner was really going for the crunches gung-ho style; whereas I would do like 4, collapse on the mat gasping, and only try again when I felt the instructor’s eyes on me. Today my stomach muscles are sore – but the wrong ones –above and below the bulge!!!

Back home as I was flopped on the sofa in exhaustion, the door bell rang. Yati and I looked at each other in surprise – we never get visitors
“Expecting anyone?” “Uh uh”
It was one of our neighbours Selena who’d seen me at the gym and finally found a reason to come over and make friends. We’ve been waving to each other for the last few months, but never introduced ourselves properly. She’ll be coming with me for my Saturday morning class.
I’m so happy that I’ve finally found a gym buddy!
Now I need buddies for my Slimming World and Ceroc dance classes

Idolatry

As a keen reader, I've always had profound admiration for writers. If they can engage my interest for any length of time, then I immediately elevate them to celebrity status. And if they are Christian writers, even more so! People like C S Lewis, Corrie Ten Boom, Michelle McKinney Hammond, Luci Swindoll, Frank Peretti... all up there...skill is to be covetted... far above reproach

This admiration does not extend to great talkers/preachers though- having been taken in and burnt by salesmen in the past. The smoother their words, the deeper my distrust of them.

I recently purchased a book called 'The Thrill of the Chaste' by Dawn Eden about being sexually pure in a sex-obsessed society. Dawn writes from the perspective of someone who has been there done that and realised how empty casual sex is. Her style is so down to earth and I've read through her book in one sitting, several times. Whenever I meet a cute guy, I guess her book helps me to refocus and keep my resolve NOT to objectify him.

I was quite pleased to learn that she was coming to London to give a talk on chastity at Farm Street Church, Mayfair. So went along for it. The room was packed with people, 20's and 30's - both women and men (which is a bit of a surprise because the book is primarily aimed at single women in their 20's & 30's). As usual I was the only black person there (won't ever get used to that... where are my people at???). This was not the only thing that was unique to me. It felt like I was the only Protestant too. A fact I should have picked up on earlier when I read in Dawn's blog that this would be her first appearance in London as a Catholic. So naturally her talk would be aimed at Catholics. Also Farm Street Church is a Catholic Church. Duh!!

The first thing she says is that she gets nervous and stammers when talking about sex, so it would really help if people in the audience would say a prayer to 'Our Lady' to help her out. You can imagine, as a Protestant I have 'issues' with that. And then her whole talk was peppered with deprecating remarks about Protestants. Her mother apparently is a Messianic Jew which as far as she is concerned, with a sneer, is 'just a Protestant who says Jewish prayers'. Dawn started out her Christian walk as a Protestant, but later converted to Catholicism because she thought Catholics were less hypocritical and took their faith more seriously. I probably wouldn't have taken issue with her anti-Protestant remarks, Lord knows we do enough Catholic bashing of our own, but the guys around me kept on snickering whenever she'd make them which further added to my discomfort.
Perhaps I am over-reacting, but I know for sure that hearing Dawn in person has made me evaluate the way I perceive writers. In fact, it was good to attend this talk, because it forced me to remove my rose-tinted glasses and actually see her for who she is. A fellow human being, capable of being judgemental and offensive (like the rest of us ordinary mortals), who just happens to have a talent for writing.
In Deuteronomy 5: 8 - 9A, it says

"You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God..."

I guess it is possible to respect writers' talent, not forgetting that they too are human. My attitude towards them was definitely idol worship. So I repented before God and asked Him to help me to see these people from the right perspective, through His eyes!

The St B's Club

Mark from St Barnabas is always organising activities, films, dinners, pub quiz, hanging out at his place etc. In theory, it is a good way to get to know other people. I've always wanted to go, but couldn't because of work committments. So I was happy to go along to the cinema with them to watch Ratatouille - Pixar's latest animation about a rat who pursues his dream to be a great chef. It is funny - not hilarious - but worth watching.

Afterwards I reflected on my relationship with the good people of St B's.

Every church has it's "in" crowd. Usually the guys in the Worship Team - the musicians - people whose visible talents propel them into almost celebrity-like status - within the church! Today's movie goers were mainly 'in' crowd. Conversations with them kind of go like this:

Kim: Hi! What's your name?

St B's guy: "I'm Paul"

(pause while I wait for him to ask for my name)

Paul: Uhh , Do I know you?

Kim: yes you do, we go to the same church (yeah dude, the other Sunday when I was talking to your friend Rene, you cut in on our conversation, said hello to him and totally blanked me)

Paul: ohhh, so that's where I've seen you. What service do you go to?

Kim: Mornings mainly (same as you dude)

(Blank look)

Kim: I help out with the tech team sometimes (the only black person who does, you'd be blind to miss me)

Paul: (something like 'recognition' dawning) Oh yes, so that's where I've seen you

And he still has not asked for my name!!!

Earlier, I'd had another conversation with a Catherine from Nottingham. Same thing. Not interested in anything except herself.

I am a shy person - uncomfortable with new people and situations. It takes a lot out of me to initiate conversations, and it would really help if once I got the ball rolling, the other person could help me along.

I cannot really point to a good conversation I have had with anyone new in a long time. Not just the 'in' crowd at St B's, but everyone else. I've thrown myself into new social situations but conversations are always one-sided- with me asking all the questions, being interested, and the other person just... not!!

Since I am the common denominator there must be something wrong with my technique? Something that puts people off? Or maybe I am just in the wrong social circles? And if I am, then what are they RIGHT circles? Or perhaps people just don't want to be my friend?

Thoughts on Career

As a child, I considered several careers,
Nun - because I wanted to be close to God
Model - because I was tall and had a unique look. But that dream died when I realised that I had a large frame that would NEVER be UK Size 8 and Acne that has carried on till now.
Dentist - to follow in my dad's footsteps. I wasn't very good at Biology and in college performed better in the Arts.
Lawyer- having been inspired by Sydney Sheldon's book 'Rage of Angels'. I actually spent 4 years at Law School. It became quite clear in my first semester that being a lawyer wasn't at all glamorous - lots of HARD work, trudging through endless cases, like 'DPP v Shaw' (the first case you read in Criminal Law ) which is 40 pages of legalese- B-O-O-O-RING!!! And then you have about 100 other cases to go through ARGGHHHH!
During Uni, I worked part time at the local Radio station producing adverts and occasionally providing voice overs when there was no one else to do it. After I finished my degree, I interviewed at a new radio station that was in the process of being set up and got a job as a presenter. However, even though we received training we were told that the studio hadn't been completed and we wouldn't be paid for a few months... basically it looked BAD! My mother pooh poohed the whole idea and issued an ultimatum, give up the dream about working in a radio station in Uganda, or go to the UK. "If you really want to work in radio I would rather you did it for the BBC?"
So I took the ticket, and set off starry-eyed for the UK.
It was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.
If I'd stayed on in Uganda, I would have built up some radio experience which would have given me a 'leg in' to the BBC.
Once in the UK, I came face to face with reality. There was tough competition for even the unpaid roles in the BBC. I needed to survive so I took the first job that came my way, working in the civil service. It's a job, it pays the bills and the best thing about it is the flexible work hours. Quite a cushy number! No stress. I get time off to go travelling...
However, at this week's team meeting my manager informed us that the business was restructuring and basically by 2011, we would be out of a job. Which means that I have to start looking for another job.
I don't know what to dooooooooo (high pitched whine)
Some people have got their careers all figured out! Me? My 'career' path has been a trail of impulsive decisions, with no specific destination in mind.
At the moment I am volunteering as a AV operator at my local church. My flat mate said maybe I should consider a career in this area, do a few courses and get some qualifications. I don't know - maybe this will be my route into Radio?

My family...

Well some of them...This picture was taken at my nephew's 5th birthday party. Mom came over from Uganda.

Why I am still single!

I've been quite proactive in my search for a mate.
To recap...
Last year I realised that Christian guys were either married, engaged or in relationships, and the single ones just not interested in me. It became obvious that to improve my chances of ever meeting anyone I had to expand my circles beyond the church. So I went speed dating, started Salsa classes to keep fit in a fun way... (well at least that was my cover story); signed up to Internet dating websites - had a few dates until I ...
met a guy I really liked but he didn't like me 'that way'
Was crushed!
Removed my profile from dating websites. Subsequently read "The Rules" and realised all the mistakes I had been making with guys - making myself too available (and cheap) and not giving them the opportunity to pursue me

This year I joined Meetup.com and started socialising with people who had similar interests. I put my profile back onto a few dating websites... even a Christian one!!! Received some male interest but mainly from drunk guys in night clubs - not really flattering... not my thing really. I corresponded briefly with some guys from websites, had a couple of dates - didn't feel any connection
Wished I was a lesbian!
Read 'The Thrill of the Chaste' by Dawn Eden and repented before God for unchaste thoughts and behaviour. I then made a decision to stop feeding this desire for a mate - cut out all romantic movies and books, dealt ruthlessly with crushes etc. I then threw myself into church activities to 'take my mind off things'

I've kept socialising but it's more relaxed now because my focus has now shifted to enjoying myself, making friends rather than check out the guys

Sometimes I slide back into old habits...

At the beginning of last week, this guy from Loveandfriends.com sent me an email saying that he'd found my profile charming and was tripping the hands of fate. He hoped that I would find his profile incredibly interesting. Good looking. Despite the fact that he'd filled in 'Spiritual' under Religion, I thought it wouldn't hurt to email him back. I mentioned that I am involved in my church,
He wanted to know whether I was relgious?
Me: Depends on your definition of religion
Him: Is it important to you that your potential partner shares your beliefs?
Me: Yes, it is important to me that my potential partner shares or is at least open minded about my core beliefs
Okay so I was compromising a little. The last date I went on was with this 40+ year old Atheist, who had no depth to him and we just did not have much in common. He was such an empty shell!
On the other hand, this guy seemed keen, was black, and apart from 'Religion', seemed to tick all the other boxes. Moreover I'd been encouraged by the story of my friend who has just got together with a guy I introduced her to. He was not a Christian when they first met, but converted within 2 months of meeting her. He now goes to church and in fact tomorrow he is attending the Alpha course at my church! Yippee

Since 'Loveandfriends guy' also belonged to the London Black Professionals group, we agreed that we would meet at the monthly event held last Friday. When you arrive at these events, you hover on the fringes until someone gives you a friendly smile which is your cue to join in on their conversation. The new Kim (Rules girl) at parties expects guys who are interested to initiate conversation with her.
The only guys I spoke with were not him so I assumed that he was a 'no show' (which I found a bit strange)
Next day, he called to ask whether I had been at the meetup.
Me: "Yes, I got there at about 10"
Him: Oh I left a quarter past 10"
and started describing what he'd been wearing and people he talked to.
Me: I didn't recognise you.
He then asked whether I was the one who came in later with another girl,
Me: "Yes I did",
(and then the bloody cheek)
Him: Oh I saw you, have you lost weight since you took the picture on the website?" (So you saw me then?) Me: "No I haven't, I've been pretty much the same size since I took the photo" (that's a lie...I HAVE gone down a dress size)

I thought to myself, if this guy was really serious, he would have at least come over to say hello. And to think I was nervous about actually meeting him??!!

And with such lame ass brothers like that... no wonder I am still single