This morning, I watched a lame pigeon trying to cross the busy road. At first I chuckled softly to myself as cars slowed down, inching carefully around it “These bazungu and their love for animals”.
Just as it was looking like the pigeon would make it to the other side, a big red bus came hurtling at top speed towards it
SPLAT!
All that was left was a dark feathery blob against the dull grey surface of the road.
Poor thing… it didn’t have a chance. Probably did not realise that this was its last day on earth.
Somtimes I feel like that lame pigeon- hopping arduously across the busy road of life, never knowing when I'll get hit by a bus.
I’ve been under quite a lot of stress lately as I realise that I have no dreams, aspirations, ambition… just marking time waiting for that bus. The subtitle of my life reads, “Is this it?”
I’m frustrated by a complete lack of control
Tomorrow I’m babysitting my nephew and I am terrified because kids are not my thing... feel so out of depth. My bathroom smells even more strongly of damp! I discovered after I had removed the old sealant from around the edges that I didn’t know how to operate the sealant gun. It all became too much for me, and I just sat on the bathroom floor weeping in frustration. I hate that damp smell and seeing the paint peeling away from the ceiling. Which reminds me…I need to replace the extractor fans and central heating system in the flat. I have nobody to consult about this and too scared to take big financial risks by spending on poor quality materials and workmanship – the memory of the builder who ripped me off tiling my bathroom floor is still quite vivid.
Temporary emotional relief in the form of booking holidays I can't afford, comfort eating, drinking alcohol are just that... temporary! The resultant credit card debt and weight gain however are not!!! I hate myself so much right now… I wish I had more self control… confidence… was more competent
I do not think God is hearing me on this one. Is this Him showing ‘tough love’?
I just cannot cope alone at the moment. I’m part of a church ‘family’ but feel so isolated. Just wish there was someone who could come alongside and help… anybody willing to give me time… some advice… a second opinion… help in writing up and executing an action plan
I just need not to feel so alone!!
