Over Analysing

On Sunday after Service, as I was walking up to the High road to catch a bus, Jonathan, (remember... from the 20-30’s cluster barbeque?) ran up and asked where I was going. I thought he was headed in the same direction and just wanted to walk with me until he mentioned that he had a car, and would I like a lift? Of course! I can’t say no to a lift! When we got to the High Road, he offered to take me further and drop me at my destination… I noticed we took the scenic route...
When I got home, I mentioned this to Shifa and Yati and they became so excited that I had to reel them in,

“The guy is just being friendly and you guys are already planning the wedding”

If I’m being honest on a certain level I am a little excited. I’m not used to people (especially Christian guys) wanting to be friends. There are a lot of desperate single women in the church and guys tend to avoid us single women altogether because the slightest friendly gesture is often misinterpreted. Its true! We read too much into these things- encouraged along by our girlfriends.

Now Jonathan… he is nice looking… a bit on the skinny side (It’s okay, I can work with skinny, just feed him and strongly encourage him to go to the gym...unless of course he is like my cousin Carole who CANNOT put on weight no matter how hard she tries)...I think he is about 27 … is in prayer ministry team… laughs at my jokes… the colour scheme for the wedding will be red and gold… engagement party to take place in Uganda with wedding at St Barnabas… Hmm I wonder what my name will look like with his surname – should we make it double barrelled with a hyphen in the middle.

Women, eh?

Natasha Bedingfields’ song ‘I Want to Have Your Babies’ nicely sums it up. In the song’s video she is in a session at the gym with a gorgeous Personal trainer, and you see those little ‘imagination bubbles’ pop up on the screen with her thinking about their babies together. The guy totally oblivious. The bridge of the song goes

‘Trust me it would scare you
If you knew what was going on in my brain
Trust me it would scare you
That I picked out the church, or the schools or the names’

Oh yeah, if Jonathan had heard that conversation with my girls, he would scuttle

I don’t want to read any more into it, and will choose to believe that I’m not being singled out for special attention and he is probably the same way with all his female friends

In the meantime I think I’ll go with the double barrelled surname ;-)

The Ministry of Motherhood

My friend Shifa is over on a week's holiday with her two toddlers (3-sh and 2 years old)
It's quite an experience having kids in our 'bachelorette' pad. The whining, screeching, attention seeking, loud squeals of joy, the silence (dangerous as this is a sure indicator that they are up to no good) are all proving to be too much for me.
Even more challenging are the day trips. On Saturday we drove down to Brighton beach, which is quite a long drive for me. The last 30 minutes of the journey was nightmare as we had to change the 2 years old's nappy, and endure his wailing. Once we got to the Brighton Pier, we were bombarded with requests for ice cream, sweeties, chocolate, candy floss, expensive rides- and when refused... loud tantrums. The 2 kids jostled to be carried by Mommy, and Mommy alone - not Aunty! It was a hot muggy day, crowded and I felt really sorry for Shifa
How do mothers cope?
If I had any reservations about having children... I think I can confidently say.. I definitely don't want any! I just don't have the patience, selflessness.... PATIENCE!
Don't get me wrong, the kids can be as sweet as pie. It is especially heart-warming when the little body (with dry diaper) climbs onto your lap to cuddle. Or when he spots you, lets out a loud cry and runs to you with arms outstretched. But those moments are so few and far between!
I have a profound respect for mothers... especially my Mom, who at one time had 4 toddlers under the age of 5! How she coped in the grey isolation of Stockport... I will never know!
God bless all mothers in the world; replenish their ever dwindling strength, give them oodles of patience, grace, wisdom to discipline, and a healthy alternative to sweeties!

Barbeque

Last Wednesday, I crashed a barbeque organised by the 20-30’s Home Group cluster. I think I’m the only person who was aware of the fact that I was actually gate crashing. Everyone just assumed I was supposed to be there. So not really gate crashing then. It helped that I brought my own meat to put on the grill and had a camera to take loads of photos

The 20-30's cluster is made up of small groups that meet mid weekly for bible study, prayer, building friendships etc. These groups are loosely based on geographical location and age group – the assumption being that you will have common interests. I’m a big fan of Home Groups – especially if you are in a large congregation because you really get to know people. All of my closest friends, I first met in Home Groups.

But how come I am 33, and not part of a 20-30’s Home Group cluster?

Well, when I joined St B’s, I asked the Home Group coordinator to assign me to a Group. I was 30 at the time, and was placed in a group of people in their 30’s, which I subsequently discovered was not part of the 20’s – 30’s cluster, in fact we did not appear to belong to any cluster at all!!!
As I become more involved in St B’s, I’m making friends with people from the 20-30’s cluster (mainly in their 20’s). We like the same music, use the same slang (courtesy of my previous youth work experience), they socialise regularly (something I really need at the moment), and most importantly they all think I’m 27!!! (I don’t correct them)
My home group bless them, are lovely and even though I do not socialise with them on a regular basis, I wouldn’t leave to join the 20-30’s cluster. It’s enough that I can attend the cluster events – it's the best of both worlds really.

What was I saying before I got completely side tracked there? Yeah… the barbeque!

For someone who is sworn off men, I’m certainly not doing very well keeping my mind off them. Steve was there looking fabulous as always (or buff… as he likes to say). I also met a guy called Tom…

A bit of history

When I was at University, part of a prophecy I received was that someone called Thomas would have a significant impact on my life. The prophecy also said that I’d be married within 4 years time and set up a ministry with my husband, my old church would be rebuilt to have 4 balconies and that I’d be an evangelist. Well 11 years have gone by, to my knowledge my old church still has just the one balcony and as for evangelism… I won’t even go there!!!
Methinks the ‘prophecy’ is definitely obsolete, n’est pas? It still doesn’t stop me from getting excited whenever I meet a ‘Tom’…or when I read a book by a ‘Tom’; and probably explains why I like Tom Cruise? There aren’t many Tom’s out there.
I engaged in small talk with Tom but nothing caught my attention; so after the obligatory 5 minutes, I employed my usual strategy, which is, suddenly look behind him
“Oh you calling me?” glance at Tom apologetically “Must go and talk to so and so. Nice talking to you”

Also a guy called Jonathan intentionally came up to talk (very rare for an English guy to do that- usually happens to me in Italy, but never here). He was a nice guy, a bit interesting.

Just realised I didn’t meet any new girls at barbeque

Purpose...

As I grow older so does my capacity to whinge. I don’t want to be ‘that’ woman. You know, the one every one avoids because she is just too depressing!

I’ve always tried to emulate my Christian heroine; Corrie Ten Boom. There’s something about her that I can (strangely) relate to. She lived quite an ordinary life, never married, worked in the family business as a clockmaker and was involved in charitable work. At the age of 52, she (and her family) was arrested for harbouring Jews from Nazi Gestapo. She spent 10 months in concentration camps – including the notorious Ravensbruck camp in Germany. When she was released, she went around the world preaching a message of forgiveness.
Yeah I know I should be striving to be like Jesus – but let’s be realistic here, I’ll NEVER be like Him- Corrie’s easier. Come to think of it… it’s not easy being Corrie either. Not sure I could forgive people who treated me brutally and like sh*t!!
I’m not very charitably inclined – yes I do have some degree of compassion for the oppressed, persecuted and will make the occasional gesture of support. I don’t think kids are ‘cute’ and old people smell and are irritating

A poem written for me

Andre, the only kid who kept in touch from my stint with the Prince's Trust wrote me a poem on Facebook!

Kim's a lady
She is not one bit Shady
But Maybe she is
She's mysterious
No shes not
Shes's very calm
And Very together
She likes to Travel
In very nine weathers
She doesn't like feathers (I think)
Cos they' re from pigeons
Or maybe she does
She might prefer doves
There's one thing I should say
Kim's a good lady
She's still not shady
So I think I should end this now
And feel so proud
That I've got one out of the way
88 left to do
If you're a mutual friend
And reading this
Then the next one could
Be about you.

Andre Cole aka The Red Hot Anchovy.

I'm touched!!

Help!

This morning, I watched a lame pigeon trying to cross the busy road. At first I chuckled softly to myself as cars slowed down, inching carefully around it “These bazungu and their love for animals”.
Just as it was looking like the pigeon would make it to the other side, a big red bus came hurtling at top speed towards it
SPLAT!
All that was left was a dark feathery blob against the dull grey surface of the road.
Poor thing… it didn’t have a chance. Probably did not realise that this was its last day on earth.

Somtimes I feel like that lame pigeon- hopping arduously across the busy road of life, never knowing when I'll get hit by a bus.

I’ve been under quite a lot of stress lately as I realise that I have no dreams, aspirations, ambition… just marking time waiting for that bus. The subtitle of my life reads, “Is this it?”

I’m frustrated by a complete lack of control

Tomorrow I’m babysitting my nephew and I am terrified because kids are not my thing... feel so out of depth. My bathroom smells even more strongly of damp! I discovered after I had removed the old sealant from around the edges that I didn’t know how to operate the sealant gun. It all became too much for me, and I just sat on the bathroom floor weeping in frustration. I hate that damp smell and seeing the paint peeling away from the ceiling. Which reminds me…I need to replace the extractor fans and central heating system in the flat. I have nobody to consult about this and too scared to take big financial risks by spending on poor quality materials and workmanship – the memory of the builder who ripped me off tiling my bathroom floor is still quite vivid.
Temporary emotional relief in the form of booking holidays I can't afford, comfort eating, drinking alcohol are just that... temporary! The resultant credit card debt and weight gain however are not!!! I hate myself so much right now… I wish I had more self control… confidence… was more competent

I do not think God is hearing me on this one. Is this Him showing ‘tough love’?

I just cannot cope alone at the moment. I’m part of a church ‘family’ but feel so isolated. Just wish there was someone who could come alongside and help… anybody willing to give me time… some advice… a second opinion… help in writing up and executing an action plan

I just need not to feel so alone!!

Life after a car...

I had to let go of my car! The crankshaft had gone and I didn’t know how much it would cost to fix it. MOT, insurance and service were coming up – money has been tight! So I called up a national disposal company – negotiated a measly 100 pounds – and voila it was gone!!
I knew it would be difficult. My home isn’t close to the tube, and the only way to get to work and church is by bus! A journey that took 20 minutes now takes one and half hours. I thought I’d use the extra time to catch up on my reading, but with the distractions this is almost impossible. On my way back home one evening, after a particularly stressful day at work, I didn’t appreciate the high pitched squealing of the baby at the front of the bus, or the teenagers talking AT each other with loud voices. How I miss unwinding in the silence of my car!!!
The teenagers!
Under 16’s have free bus travel; on condition they have a photo Oyster card. It really doesn’t cost a lot to get one, but almost every week a group of teenagers will get onto the bus without their oyster cards. They either try to sneak in or negotiate with the bus driver. When he refuses to relent, they push past anyway and go up to the top deck – loud music blasting from their mobile phones. The driver switches off the engine and refuses to budge until they get off. Us passengers are too scared to tell the kids off, because you never know in London, with all these stories of knife crime, they could come after you.
It’s so annoying!
However, I’ve been blessed by the generosity and kindness of other people. My work colleague has given me a lift a couple of times, to a half way point- cutting my journey home to 30 minutes. I’ve bonded with Joanne who gives me a lift after Alpha every Tuesday evening. Sarah Jane picked me up from home one Sunday to take me for the evening service. It’s really humbling and makes me think that I should have been more generous with my car when I had one.
I’m walking more – an extra 30 minutes a day. Sometimes more- if I am going straight to church from the office – about 45 minute walk. Plus I get loads of aerobic activity running to catch the bus, knowing that if you miss THIS one; you’ll have to wait another 30 minutes till the next one comes! I’m trying to focus on the positives here – even though right now I feel the negatives far outweigh them.
I suppose like with most things, I’ll get used to it, and it will cease to bother me.