Loneliness

The ‘stigma’ of loneliness!

Last house group meeting, Martin (whom I still dislike) admitted that most of the times he feels alone. It takes a lot of guts to admit this – especially to our House Group. The English are uncomfortable with sharing personal feelings. Many times, I’ve shared about my struggles or illustrated something using a personal example– only to be greeted with awkward silence. I’ve learnt since then to watch what I say, and to use ‘hypothetical’ explanations – they go down better
I found an interesting article on the Internet, Loneliness: Bane of the Christian Single by Dr. Ken Matto. My initial reaction to it was that of indignation! How dare he judge me! However, the more I read it, the more I ‘saw myself’ in it.
Take his ‘Symptoms’ of Loneliness for instance, I am intimidated by quietness – when I come home in the evenings, the first thing I do is turn on the TV to provide some background noise. My life is extremely busy – I try to have something on every evening. I stay late at work (until the cleaners kick me out) because I cannot bear the thought of returning to an empty house. Weekends, especially long Bank Holiday weekends like Easter and Christmas, are torture! I fill my life with endless distraction; by taking courses I don’t really need, losing myself in the world of TV, cinema, and books just to fill the void!
The fact is that I’m not very good at being alone. I come from a large family- immediate and extended – and am accustomed to having loads of people around! In school and church I was always part of the in-crowd or a clique! At church, I was very popular – earning the nickname of “Mayor” because everyone knew me by name and wanted to hang out.
Then I came to London and went from being a ‘Somebody’ to a ‘Nobody’! Friends and family from home still wrote, but as time went by, good intentions and letters dwindled to a mere trickle. I discovered the artificial world of Internet chat rooms-and got involved in this for a while – but this is no substitute for the real thing!
It took a while to build up a new network of friends. I guess I had the advantage of youth – so most of my friends were University students or fresh graduates. We had plenty of time to meet up regularly, and to use a cliché from a famous London church – ‘Do life together!’
It’s all changed now! We got jobs and other commitments that moved us away from church and ultimately each other. Most of the circle have since returned to their home countries, or got married, have children. Contact is few and far between… conversations stilted!
I feel lonely!
To forget, some people turn to alcohol, drugs… I turn to chocolate and nostalgia! Looking through my music collection, you'll find loads of ‘Eighties’ music, Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, Queen Latifah – a throwback to the times when I was happy! I’ve volunteered to work in the youth ministry at church, not because I have a heart for “Yuff”. Perhaps I am under the illusion that I will recapture the friendships I once had at that age. Of course it doesn’t work – they’ve got their own lives, interests and music. Why would they want to hang out with a 30-year-old woman?

At this point, I know some well-meaning friends and family (yes you Kemi) are itching to come out with the usual clichés like God will never leave me nor forsake me!
I know all that! Emotions are funny things! They cloud our judgement and prevent us from seeing the facts! I’m not really looking for a response or seeking advice. I guess I just want your sympathy, a listening ear! Perhaps there are some reading this article who can identify with me – I’d love to hear how you dealt with this area in your own life. There just might be a few lessons there.
We soldier on!

The Princes Trust kids and me!

Death By Chocolate - The Murder Mystery!

Okay there were a few late comers (the South Africans!!!) but apart from that it went really well!

Those of you who know me, know how I work myself into a state before my "dinner parties". The whole day is spent in a frenzy of cleaning, food shopping... cleaning..., cooking.... more cleaning! Fortunately, I had the privilege of having not one, but TWO, talentated Jamaican ladies, with a passion for food, to help me out on the food side of things. Not to mention, my wonderful flatmate - who is just that...Wonderful!

The previous week, I'd mailed invites with attached character background information sheets to the guests. One of the South Africans (again) misplaced his copy and only told me on the day of the dinner. So had to print out a new character sheet for him to quickly memorise when he "finally" arrived!

While we were waiting ( for the South Africans), the other guests sat around nervously barely touching the food that was rapidly going cold.

Ahh! Finally they arrive and we can start!

I welcomed everyone and explained the rules. A few minutes later, we were given an Oscar winning performance by the poisoned murder "victim" dying in most spectacular manner. While everyone (ok the girls) was gasping in "shock" at such a "terrible" thing, the guys were just standing by dispassionately reading through their character background sheets. Honestly!!!

In case you don't know how a murder mystery works, it simply this...

Someone is murdered. All the guests have a motive for murder which makes them all suspects. The whole evening is spent solving the mystery of "Whodunnit?". Each guest has secrets about themselves and about others, which they must not divulge unless confronted directly. For my murder mystery dinner party, I'd hidden some murder weapon cards around the house and given the guests a set of clues to find them. These murder weapons could be used to "kill" anyone who was trying to blackmail you with information. They also had some game money to bribe their way out of embarrasing situations, or in my case, to hire a hitman to take out someone who was irritating me!

After the "murder" everyone really got into it! A couple more 'murders' happened- including the unfortunate demise of the original "murderer". I also discovered that our appointed "detective" was going around extorting money out of most of the guests (including me) in exchange for her silence! Cheeky! Did I mention that it was one of the Jamaicans?

All in all the dinner party was hilarious and a great way to spend an evening! Can't wait until the next one!

A thought for Easter - Eddie's sequel!!!

He was wounded and crushed because of our sins; by taking our punishment, he made us completely well... All of us were like sheep that had wandered off. We had each gone our own way, but the LORD gave him the punishment we deserved... His life was taken away because of the sinful things my people had done. The LORD decided his servant would suffer as a sacrifice to take away the sin and guilt of others. (Isaiah 53: 4, 8b & 10 Contemporary English Version)

Easter and NOT Christmas is the most significant festival in the Christian Calendar - in fact our whole faith is based upon these events that took place over 2000 years ago.

We Christians believe that Jesus death on the Cross fulfilled the above prophecy.

My Jewish friends are celebrating Passover - an 8 day observance commemorating the freedom and exodus of the Israelites (Jewish slaves) from Egypt during the reign of the Pharaoh Ramses II. About 3000 years ago, according to the Book of Exodus - Moses, a simple Jewish shepherd, was instructed by God to go to the Pharaoh and demand the freedom of his people. Moses' plea of 'let my people go' was ignored. He warned the Pharaoh that God would send severe punishments to the people of Egypt if the Israelites were not freed. Again the Pharaoh ignored Moses' request of freedom. In response God unleashed a series of 10 terrible plagues on the people of Egypt. In the last plague, God instructed the Israelites to slaughter an unblemished lamb, take some of it's blood and put it on the sides and tops of the doorframes of their houses and stay indoors. That night, the angel of the LORD went through the land and struck down the first born of all Egyptians. However, the houses of the Israelites that had blood sprinkled on them were saved!

Christians believe that Jesus was the sacrifcial Lamb whose blood was spilt to save us from the Judgement of God. This Salvation is available to all those who believe this. You don't have to be a good person to be saved - just someone who admits that they need help. It's that simple!

In my last blog, I mentioned that I was worried about my late friend, Eddie because I did not know whether he had accepted Christ. Yesterday I received an email from my sister-in-law, which I'm sure she won't mind me sharing here

'Last week on Monday Kags (my brother) called me and told me that Eddy was seriously sick. In fact he spent the whole day in hospital and when he came back in the evening he was so worried that Eddy wouldnt make it... So the following morning we went together and when we reached he (Eddie) was a bit delusional but recognised us, so there and then I made him accept Christ and I told him to repeat some words after me and he repeated them willingly. He died the next day in the morning....'

I believe that Eddie accepted Christ, made his peace with God and is in heaven right now. I grieve that he is gone, but I am comforted in the hope that I will see him again! God is merciful!

Dear Reader, the fact that you are reading this suggests that God is interested in You, and wants to bring you into relationship with Him. Don't wait until your deathbed to accept Christ. Accept Him Today! Sprinkle the Blood of Jesus on the doorframe of your heart and be saved!

Edwin Bakuta 1975 - 2006

Yesterday, I received the kind of text message dreaded by all Ugandans living away from home.

“Kim there is no way of telling you this well but Ed B just passed on…”

Rock Steady Eddie, Bakumurphs, and Mr SMACK, childhood best friend...Dead!!!

The Bakuta’s were the only household with a video player, which made it a focal point for all teens in the Estate where we grew up. We spent many days watching and memorising videos. When we weren’t doing this, we just chilled out, regaling each other with tales. Eddie had a ‘way’ with words and could really work an audience. His razor sharp memory meant that he could repeat word for word just about anything he had seen and heard and we were often mesmerised with his brilliant stories, putting his own spin on events, little embellishments here and there- as we say in Uganda “adding soup!” Sometimes, even I wouldn’t recognise experiences we’d been through together!!!
I guess this was our way of escaping from our dysfunctional families and strict fathers; a fact that we constantly had to hide from a society that assumed that just because we were “rich kids”, we had everything and couldn’t possibly have any issues. Behind the laughter and stories, the truth was Eddie was deeply troubled, living in the constant shadow of his father’s disapproval; who often insulted and compared him unfavourably in front of us. Eddie just shrugged it off and pretended indifference. But we all knew how it hurt!
He was extremely loyal and constantly raved about his friends. Sometimes, when he introduced me to new people, I found myself under pressure to live up to the ‘persona’ he’d portrayed to them. As far as he was concerned, I was a brilliant, top person and anyone else who thought different was an asshole. My one-man fan club! Even his girlfriends envied me. Ever since I heard the news, I’ve been flooded with memories – stealing his dad’s car and going for wild rides, attempting to pass us off as part of the family at his parents exclusive’club’, sneaking away to youth parties in the middle of the night, practicing dance moves from music videos, looking at our first porn magazines, practicing our first snogs on each other, drinking illegally brewed alcohol in the slums of Kabalagala, sharing heartaches!
Then we grow up. We drift away and childhood memories fade away, until something like death brings them back into focus. I became a Christian, and couldn’t reconcile my new lifestyle to the old wild one I'd shared with Eddie, and so I gradually withdrew and broke all ties with him. The last time I was in Uganda, in 2005, we met up for a drink. We almost missed didn’t but God in His great mercy enabled it! Eddie was still the same with his stories! Even though he was working a shit job, and was obviously broke, he insisted on paying for the drinks! Life was looking up with his new girlfriend. We parted with a warm hug. Now I wish I’d said more- let him know that I loved him, shared with him what I was really feeling in my heart.
Eddie died in hospital from pneumonia on the morning of 5 April 2006. He was only 30! I feel guilty that I never shared the Gospel with him and I am plagued with the thought “Is he in Heaven or Hell?” I wish I’d never alienated myself from him, I wish I’d been a friend!
I wish… I wish!
My only prayer is that Eddie has finally found what eluded him for most of his life…Peace.
I thank God that he put Eddie in my life for a season, and I pray that I never again take for granted all the other people he has placed in my world. To all my friends reading this, I love you!

The Five Factor Personality Test

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium.You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test