Bruised Reed...

I'm back!

2011-05-16T00:03:00.000+01:00

The novelty of facebook has worn off. Ok, not enough people are posting on my wall and I feel ignored again.

And both my penpals have dumped me.

I don't really miss the Russian guy. He told me that he was learning English and he needed to practice by corresponding with English speaking penpals. His emails were painful to read. You could tell he'd spent ages composing the two-line emails with the help of a Russian/English dictionary. You don't really appreciate fluency in a language that you take for granted until you hit a language barrier. An articulate person is reduced to the banal. For example, if asked the question, "How was your weekend?"

instead of responding,

"It was great. I organised a Eurovision Party, and invited a great mix of people who really hit it off with each other and enjoyed themselves!

becomes:

"Oh it was great!"

(with a mental thumbs up). Which you can put it in brackets like I just did - if you know the 'word' in the language for thumbs up. It fails to fully convey The. Essence. of what the party was like. I remember how frustrated my Swedish journalist friend used to feel whenever she tried and failed to express herself in English. Or couldn't remember how to say a word in English. She'd say, 'Words are my craft. I feel so helpless not knowing what words to use'

My other penpal, a German lady who lives in Washington, USA, was interesting but I think I lost her when I emailed about how I felt after my father passed away last month. Too much emotion I guess.

I need an outlet so I am back to you, my silent audience. Hello again!

Facebook meets my needs

2010-11-14T23:02:00.000Z

I haven't been blogging.
The thing is, although I love sharing, I also love receiving feedback - I like to know people's reactions to what I post or write
And I think I've found this on Facebook.
And so I bid adieu to this blog. If you are on old friend, who is passing through to see if there are any updates, thank you
If you just stumbled across this blog, sorry I ran out of things to say here

God bless you

Rugby at Wembley

2010-04-24T10:24:00.000+01:00

In my first year at University, I made friends with Paul, the captain of the University Rugby Team, the Impis. He was a 5th year medical student, and it was pretty cool to be seen with him and the rugby team - hunks-all of them. Whenever they were going for a game, they would come first in their coach to Box (my student hall) to pick me up. Paul said I was good for the morale of the team. Owing to my exceedingly loud and piercing voice, I am a natural cheer leader. I was also very good at rounding up some of the girls from Box to come for the games. We didn't know the rules, but our enthusiastic shouts of 'Go Impis" always got a good reaction from the boys. I even had a (very) brief fling with one of them. Paul soon put an end to that by giving the guy a Serious Talk along the lines of "Stop messing with my little sister". The guy gave me a "It's not you, it's me' speech, which broke my heart.

My broken heart didn't stop my love for rugby though. Or rather should I say.... rugby players. They are sooo HOT! Those big chests and shoulders, tapered waists, big arms and legs. SOLID! Real Men! Recently during Rugby World Cup, I was going on to Yati about how much I loved and supported the England Rugby team. She commented wryly "It's not the England team you support, really, its Jonny Wilkinson"

I don't really follow national rugby, but Rugby World Cup, Six Nations, Rugby Sevens, I am THERE, glued to the TV set, yelling on my own, in my living room. I was quite pleased that my neighbour Jon is keen on his rugby. He even has a Season ticket for local rugby club, The Saracens. Last weekend, we went to the new Wembley stadium to watch a Saracens versus Harlequins game. The atmosphere was great. Before the game, there was entertainment including 'Right Said Fred' who wrote the song for the Saracens called 'Stand Up'. There were cheerleaders gyrating in front of him- British cheerleaders have a long way to go compared to their American counterparts who are wayyyy superior. I mean do they not watch films like Bring it On?

More entertainment came in the way of a big brass band, acrobats and then a tight rope walker

Saracens Won! Absolutely 'slaughtered' the Harlequins! You know, I just might become a Sarries fan - I like their strip - black with red, and little Fez hats and the whole north African thing going on there.... yeah... I think I'll officially declare myself a Sarries fan!
STAND UP!!

Simple Economics

2010-04-09T16:48:00.002+01:00

In the March 2010 issue of Internal Auditing magazine, there’s an article about South Africa’s competition watchdog investigating domestic airline operators for alleged price fixing to exploit travellers during the football World Cup.

I couldn’t help the involuntary snort. Here in the UK, it is generally accepted that airlines, trains and tour companies push prices up to EXPLOIT travellers during peak periods.

It’s simple economics. If demand is high and resources limited– prices will go up!

In early February when booking a trip to visit my sister in Scotland for the Easter weekend, I found that all the train fares were astronomical!! This was a whole TWO MONTHS before I was due to travel. And all the train companies were charging the same exorbitant prices –price fixing?

Why shouldn’t domestic airlines in South Africa make a buck out of a situation that is to their advantage? It is what we expect. Which is why as soon as England qualified to play in the World Cup there was a stampede by fans to buy tickets before the fares went up.

But just because something is generally accepted, it doesn’t mean that it is a good thing. I am all for Fair trade and protecting consumers. If a company can convince me that the prices that they set are fair, then I have no problem paying for them. After all it’s a business and they need to survive. I do respect businesses that see opportunities and make the most of them, but cannot reconcile this with deliberate exploitation just for greed.
Perhaps our UK Competition Commission should take a leaf out of South Africa’s book and start looking into the train companies

Wheat and Alcohol Free

2010-02-09T16:20:00.000Z

I'm not a current affairs type of person, so won't talk about all those topics I mentioned in my previous post. I think I was trying to be cleverer than I really am - but really I am quite a shallow person. So I'll concentrate on a topic where I have some expertise.... me

I may have mentioned that as part of my New Years Resolutions I would be giving up alcohol and wheat products.
Giving up alcohol is not a challenge as I am not much of a drinker. Thanks to the credit crunch I was already in the habit of ordering sparkling water or a lime and tonic (L&T) whenever I went out. I’m not cutting alcohol out completely – just restricting my intake to very expensive wine – as a guideline a bottle must cost at least £50 – so chances of me ever drinking again are quite slim. I completely forgot about the bottle of Baileys that my sister bought me for Christmas. It sits there taunting me every time I open the door to my fridge- it goes so well in coffee- great for an after meal drink – must r e s i s t

Going wheat free on the other hand is another matter. I’m drawing a lot of inspiration from my own culture in Uganda where wheat does not feature much in the diet. It wouldn’t - wheat does not grow well in our climate. The wheat products you would find are processed foods made from imported wheat flour like cakes, biscuits. The Indians brought us ‘chapatis’ (flat bread) which has become a national staple. But in a normal Bunyoro village, people will eat wheat on average once every 2 months.

Wheat-free in Uganda no problem but in London – major challenge!

The ingredients for a wheat-free diet are expensive. My grocery bill has doubled. Wheat products abound in the market place and are cheap. I’m talking pasta, pizza, couscous, bread, pastries, and desserts. I miss Panini!

My core diet now is rice, potatoes and maize meal which can be a bit boring so I experiment with different recipes to vary it and make it exciting. I made sushi the other day. I also bought some wheat-free flour (a blend of rice, tapioca and potato flour) which wasn’t a good flour substitute as my scones came out rock hard and chapattis brittle.

Snacking foods are almost non- existent. Most chocolate and (potato) crisps contain wheat. I had taken to eating carrots but my body has decided it doesn’t want that anymore – and chick peas too. The only crisps I can eat are Doritos made from corn flour and Sensations Sweet chilli crisps. Nuts too – but they have a high calorie count and are not filling.

Eating out is a real pain. In restaurants I feel terrible having to go through menus with the waiting staff to establish which dishes are wheat free. The other week in Chinatown the waiter kept dashing back and forth to the kitchen to consult with the chef. What was so comical is that instead of taking the menu with him, (thus doing it all at once) he kept on going back each time to ask about each dish. Friends have to think twice before inviting you over for dinner. I know because I used to be one of those friends. I’ve never invited my friend Stuart to dinner because he has a nut allergy. And when I invited Claudine I was on tenterhooks for fear that she would have a horrible allergic reaction to my food – she is allergic to dairy, fruit, and nuts – pretty much everything. My coping strategy is to eat before I go out, or bring my own food – then I pick at salad or soup – it’s the only way.

But it’s so worth it. So far, since the year begain I’ve lost 10 lbs – with minimal exercise. The clothes feel looser. I’m now starting Phase 2 which is to introduce exercise – Salsa and Pilates. Hopefully by Easter I’ll have achieved my goal of dropping a dress size.

Writers Block

2010-01-29T23:19:00.000Z

I have so many things buzzing through my head but for some reason I can't write anything substantial about them
Things like: -

Tiger Woods debacle - and an African's take on it - no big deal in our polygamous society
The latest weapon in the fight against teen pregnancy in UK - a 'morning after pill' that works after 5 days
The Iraq Enquiry - and Tony Blair's performance at it - smooth, as slippery as an eel - which leads me on to my views on politicians in general - particularly my MP who is NOT getting my vote in May
The Californian transvestite who is pregnant! And just how weird that looks
The 'Tory's and their social engineering agenda - with the proposed marriage tax breaks
The SNOW storms we had in the UK - I've lived here 11 years and have never seen it this bad!

All these things BUZZING!

Flying the nest...

2010-01-23T10:40:00.002Z

Gosh, I've been super busy and have had no time to blog. Plus have been exchanging several messages with my penpals.
My younger sister has finally left for Glasgow, Scotland.
It wouldn't be my first choice - in all the weather forecasts I see, extreme weather in UK seems to be concentrated there. Plus it takes about 8 hours to get there by coach! But it's got Scots - who can be very good - IF they like you, and horrible if they don't. What I appreciate about them is that they are very upfront - they tell you exactly what they think of you. The English on the other hand....

Still. I'm happy she's gone. I felt I was turning into the mom of a moody teenager (even though she is 26) She kept things from me, sulked most of the time, left most of the housework to me. So I won't miss her in that regard.
On the other hand, when she communicated she could be quite fun and interesting. I'll miss dancing together in front of the living room mirror

I've decided to keep her room - spare. No more lodgers. Perhaps I'll get me a cat - typical spinster companion

Oh well got to go. Have to start redecorating my new spare room/walk in wardrobe/study.

A year in review

2010-01-02T00:22:00.001Z

TV this time of the year can be a bit repetitive. The programmes have titles like
100 best songs of the noughties
100 best movie moments...
100 funniest comedy moments..
20 top TV moments...

What is it about this time of the year that makes us pause to think on what is gone. It's like as if it has some bearing on our future plans.
2009 has been interesting - not the most interesting year in my life

I've put on a dress size - yeah the diet and exercise slipped by the way side. This fact was brought home to me while I was getting ready for New Years Eve masquerade ball and none of my evening dresses fit.

Let's see what's happened this past year. It might help me with my new year resolutions...

Started a new job in Central London in January. Mucked it up in December and my fate is to be decided in 2010
Started my professional Internal Audit exams - really not me, but hey I've got to do it because of work
Bought an ANNUAL season travel ticket - it feels great not to worry about 'topping' up the Oyster card, or having enough credit on it to travel
Thanks to my Cineworld Unlimited card, I watched more films than I'd care to admit - wait a minute - I have admitted it. The winners this year were the 'Indie' films like '500 Days of Summer' and the bromance 'I Love You Man'. Worst films of the year 'GI Joe' and 'The Invention of Lying' Drivel!
My little sister moved in with me. It's been ... challenging. Mainly because we are soooooo different
New neighbours Ros and Jon. They've been such a blessing to me.
One of my closest friends, Sheila, got married
Briefly dated an Indian - it ended when I discovered that he meant it to be a clandestine relationship - this doesn't sit very well with my personality (plus he was a lousy dancer)
Through the Hospitality Club, I met Urska and Lea from Slovenia and through Black Travels I met Brian from New York. Through Yati, Ellen and her family from Sweden/France/USA. I love meeting people from other countries, cultures
I reconnected with an old childhood friend from 22 years ago.
I made 2 new penpals. Eva - German lady who lives in Washington State and Denis from Russia. Probably the reason why I have been so slack on this blog - cos writing regularly to them has provided me with the outlet to express myself.
I met the Archbishop of Uganda, Henry Orombi when he visited my church. I actually hugged the guy
I seem to have now lost interest in any real life men. I'm not a lesbian which leaves me with 'Asexual'. Although I have fantasies about Jesse L Martin, Jeremy Northam and Jude Law - what do they have in common - gorgeous cheek bones.
Received a weird marriage proposal from a total stranger
2009 has been my most challenging year in terms of finances - the lack of them. In spite of this, I have been blessed with new furniture, an all expenses paid for holiday in Sardinia, a car to drive on weekends...

So looking ahead to 2010
My priority is to drop that dress size I picked up in 2009. Figured the only way to do this for me is to cut out all snacky food like biscuits, cakes, crisps, pastries etc.... and take up Pilates

I am going to visit South Africa, Morocco and Jordan this year - so not my beloved Italy... hmm... that might be difficult... maybe if Ryanair is doing a REALLY good deal - I'll do a weekend in Roma

the 'window' is shut

2009-12-13T19:45:00.002Z

It's a little harsh, but I don't 'invest' in strangers

'P' phoned me 3 times on Wednesday. The third time, he used his friend's phone and asked me to call him back on his phone... that he had ran out of credit on his pay as you go phone (if he was trying to impress this was not the way...).
In the course of the conversation, he claimed that he wants to marry me (mind I have never met the guy), and has already picked out schools for the kids. I laughed because I thought it's all a big joke. When the conversation started looking like it was serious (starts referring to me as his 'wife'), I suddenly found 'something important to do' that needed my immediate attention.
He reminded me that I'd agreed to meet on Sunday for a date. I thought it was just lunch. He insisted on calling it a 'date'. He reckons that after the fourth one he will go down on his knees and propose- which i will accept
I ask "How are you so sure I want to marry you?"
"When you meet me, you'll think 'Yeah this is the one!"

Okay, curiosity has got the better of me, so was looking forward to the lunch ('date' according to him)
We agreed on a time - 2.00 pm, but not a place because he didn't bring it up. You'd expect that the person who suggested the meet up would call before the appointed day to confirm a venue

Thursday - no call

Friday - nothing

Saturday - still nothing

I made other plans

Sunday at 2.30pm, he calls and leaves a message asking me to call him back. Is this guy having a laugh?
7.00pm, another phone call - I watched the phone ring but make no move to take the call. He didn't leave a message this time.

As I said, I don't invest in strangers

Surreal...

2009-12-09T12:32:00.003Z

So I got this really weird voice mail this morning,

“Kimuli, my flower, it’s me, give me a call when you get this message”

Hmm

The accent was male, Ugandan with undertones of an English accent – so someone who has lived here for a while. I scoured my mind trying to figure out who it could be. The only people who sound like that are the Kiwanuka brothers? But we keep in touch and if they were coming to London, I would have known. And anyway they wouldn’t call me ‘My Flower’ usually they call me ‘Little Flower’ or ‘Petit Fleur’.

Who could it be?

Nothing for it. Will just have to return the call and find out

“Hello, this is Kimuli”

“Heelloooooooooooooooo, my flower” like he was greeting an old friend.

“Who is this?”

“I got your number from your brother” Okay so he is my brother’s friend

“You wouldn’t even guess who this is.”

“Is this Denis… no wait… it can’t be Denis… Denis is in Kampala”

And he certainly doesn’t call me ‘My Flower’

I won’t bore you with all the details of the conversation. This guy who I will refer to as ‘P’ finally told me his name. Nope didn’t ring a bell.
He said he was very good friends with my brother. Apparently we met 15 years ago and he’d been quite taken with me but because I was his friend’s younger sister I was ‘off limits’

Clearly this is not an issue anymore because he asked my brother for my number – which the latter gladly gave with the vital information that I was still single.
He then went on to give me what Ugandans would call his ‘CV’

When he met my brother (while on holiday in Uganda – actually he gushed on and on about my brother which I thought was a bit much);

What he does for a living (runs his own company);

Where he lives (an empty 3 bed roomed house which he’d like to share with someone hint hint);

Do I have a ‘type’? What’s my type?

Oh my gosh you’ve got such a lovely voice, do you look as good as you sound? Would you like to go out for dinner… this weekend!??!!!

Whoaaaaa….this is going way too fast for me

I’m intrigued, so I’ve agreed to meet up for lunch this Sunday.

I hope he looks as good as he sounds

Homosexuality revisited

2009-12-03T22:26:00.011Z

A close friend 'came out' to me this evening.
He'd probably been thinking all evening about how he'd introduce the subject and he said quite randomly:

"I had a relationship. I was really into this person. It was a guy"

I was stunned - took a while to absorb the news.

Just yesterday at my bible study group we were discussing what our passions were- being an indicator of where God wants us to serve and use our gifts. I mentioned to them that 'Homosexuality', in particular 'homosexual Christians' is a subject that is close to my heart. It's one of the major issues dividing the Anglican church. St B's stance is that they accept that some people are born with homosexual orientation, but that they should not act upon it. Rather they should commit to living in celibacy for the rest of their lives. My opinion is "Bollocks!" If the church is acknowledging that homosexuality is natural, then why impose celibacy on them? Wouldn't that be going against their nature?

I likes absolutes. Black or white. I hate grey areas. My position on homosexuality used to be very clear to me, after all don't these verses from the Bible condemn homosexuality?

Romans 1: 26 - 27 (NIV)

"Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion"

Leviticus 18:22

“You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.”
Leviticus 20:13
“If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death, their blood is upon them.”

But I've since been exposed to other teaching that has put this subject into the 'grey'. Leading homosexual Christian teachers claim that these Bible verses were taken out of context. That they were relevant for that time and that culture, but do not apply to modern day Christianity. Much in the same way that slavery was legitimate and accepted during biblical times- but unacceptable these days. The best reasoned case I've found is here
So maybe I should not condemn St B's for 'sitting on the fence', because that's where I am also. What I do know is this: - a lot of my gay brothers and sisters are being driven away from the church and from God because of the rejection, judging, despising and pity that they face from other church members
The church should be a place where people meet God, experience his love and as a result have their lives transformed. I do know of churches where the gay Christians are welcome and live fruitful, faith and Spirit filled lives. Clearly their 'homosexual orientation' does not keep them from forming a relationship with God. Through them, God has touched the lives of the wider gay community and brought them home.
And for me that's what's important. I should be focussing on ways to include people in the family of God - regardless of who they are or where they come from. All this other stuff, homosexuality, seems unimportant in the light of what really matters - God, his unconditional love for his creation and his desire to restore the broken relationship - if we will have him.

Examinations

2009-11-17T19:47:00.002Z

I'm preparing for my exams next week.

I haven't done exams in ermmm 13 years. It's really takes discipline to study. One of my issues is the even though I'm quick at grasping broad concepts, I can't be asked to learn details. Examiners are obsessed with detail. Particularly really boring subjects like Corporate Governance and Risk Management. Hey you, I saw that yawn.

My employer gave me 2 weeks study leave. A week's already gone by (so fast). During this time I've had lovely lie- in's in the mornings, wandered up and down the flat tidying things, doing laundry, tried out new recipes (to my younger sisters' delight) - everything except actually study. I've squeezed in an hour or so everyday, but mind wanders and I'm up making another cup of tea

So I really need prayer at this moment. That God helps me make the most of the time left

Online TV

2009-11-09T17:32:00.005Z

Online TV streaming and an unlimited download limit from my broadband provider have been a blessing for me. I no longer have to plan my busy social life around my favourite TV programmes because I can always catch up later online.

Advantages of this is that I can pause, forward, rewind, don’t have to buy overpriced DVD box sets (which I only ever watch once). I can even watch episodes that are not yet out in the UK– as I get perverse pleasure from telling my friends what’s going to happen next... Mwah ha ha haha ha ha

Ehem..

The thing is that I was so excited about catching up on 30 Rock, Ugly Betty, Privileged; Desperate Housewives, X factor, Being Erica, the Book Group, The IT Crowd etc., that I ended up watching ALL the episodes. I have now run out of programmes to watch

So I googled ‘American TV romcoms’ and stumbled across 'Drop Dead Diva'. It’s about a would-be model called Deb who has a fatal accoident. While she is being processed by an angel called Fred at the pearly gates, he tells her that she is a self centred zero – no good or bad deeds in life. While he is deciding what to do with her, they have an argument and she hits the return button on his computer. This sends her soul back to earth where it enters the body of recently vacated soul –a plus size lawyer called Jane. As you can imagine this is a bit of shock to Deb who used to be size zero and always got by on her good looks. She isn’t allowed to tell anyone that she’s Deb. Plus side is that she gets Jane’s IQ. Fred gets demoted to her guardian angel. And TWIST…Deb’s boyfriend Grayson works in Jane’s firm….
Okay, when you write it out it doesn’t sound great, but it really is compelling viewing. It’s so refreshing when the protagonist in a programme is a big woman in her early 30’s. You get to see things like the bias and judgement people have against big women. You feel her pain when she is powerless to stop Grayson from falling in love with her office nemesis - super bitch Kim. I also just love the clothes Jane wears.
The last episode of Series 1 ended on a cliff hanger. I hear they’ve commissioned a second series.
I can’t wait!

The Secret

2009-11-05T00:22:00.003Z

My younger sister asked me,

“What do you want in a guy?”

I launched into a list of ‘don’t wants’, which she interrupted with

“I didn’t ask you what you don’t want, I asked what you WANT?”

Hmm – never thought about that!

She lent to me a book called ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne– which is about the Law of Attraction. The basic premise of this law is that ‘like’ attracts ‘like’. The things you focus on – negative and positive- become your reality. So if you focus on positive stuff, you attract positive things and so with the negative.

As a Christian (or whatever I am these days), my knee jerk reaction is to dismiss ‘The Secret’ – after all it is New Age stuff. The problem with New Age is that it seeks to de-personalise and control God, by reducing Him to terms like ‘ the universe’ or ‘Energy’ or ‘the Force’. I have too much respect for God to even think that I can begin to control Him. Don’t think I haven’t tried it. Like many Christians I am guilty of trying to manipulate God through prayer

But there’s something to be learned from the Secret. After all truth is truth - whether it is in your doctrine or not. Most of the principles in the Secret are borrowed from the Bible. These Biblical principles aren’t restricted to just Christians. Regardless of who you are, if you apply them, they will work.

For example Faith - in the Bible, the book of Hebrews 11:1 (New International Version) says that faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. The book of James 2: 17 says that - Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead

In the Secret, a story is told to support the statement - When you want to attract something in your life make sure your actions don’t contradict your desires

Here’s an extract

…a story of a woman who wanted to attract the perfect partner into her life. She had done all the right things: She got clear about what she wanted him to be like, made a detailed list of all his qualities and visualised him in her life. Despite doing all these things there was no sign of him.

Then one day as she arrived home and was parking her car in the middle of the garage, she gasped as she realised that her actions were contradicting what she wanted. If her car was in the middle of the garage, there was no room for her perfect partner’s car. Her actions were powerfully saying to the Universe that she did not believe she was going to receive what she had asked for. So she immediately cleaned up her garage and parked her car to one side leaving space for her perfect partner’s car on the other side.

The story goes on about her doing the same thing about her making space in her wardrobe bed and concludes with, After taking all these powerful actions and acting as if she had already received her perfect partner, he arrived in her life and they are now happily married

Hang on; isn’t this faith coupled with action? A Biblical Principle?

So fired up with this story I decided to apply some faith to my life – and what a result.

I wrote a list of all the things I wanted in the perfect partner e.g. nice teeth, taller than me, educated, musical, middle class, spiritual, extrovert etc and then started acting as if he’d already arrived in my life. (Okay I haven’t replaced my single bed- would that be going too far?)

The next day, as I was waiting for my train, a guy randomly started talking to me and conversation ended with him giving me his number and asking me to call him if I wanted to go out for a drink. He pretty much fit the brief. I was amazed. Today I met up with him for coffee, which was nice, but spark was somewhat diminished. The learning point is that I need to revise my criteria – not make it focussed on external. Talking to him made me realise there are other things I want in a guy – which he didn’t have.

This is exciting stuff!

Roller coaster emotions

2009-10-26T07:54:00.002Z

Yeah, this week's been pretty rough, but by the grace of God I'll get through it

I'm so glad I have girlfriends to talk to, who are not fazed by my tears and raw emotions.

Predestination and free will

2009-10-05T18:25:00.003+01:00

Calvinists believe that God has divided humanity into two groups. One group is "the elected" and includes all those God has chosen to know him. The rest will remain ignorant of God, and the Gospel. They are damned and will spend eternity in hell without any hope of mercy or cessation of the extreme tortures.

Personally, I think this is rather unfair position. Most of us evangelical Christians put our best efforts towards preaching the gospel to as many people as possible so that they have the opportunity to decide whether they want to accept or reject it. We believe that every one has free will and God does not impose on this.

This may not be biblical but as I understand it (blame it on 4 years Law school), certain conditions must exist before someone can exercise free will ergo: -

1) A person must make an informed decision – having understood the full implications of what they are rejecting or accepting.
2) The person must have a choice in the matter

In criminal law, if the defence can prove that at the time a criminal act was committed, the accused did not know or understand what they were doing, or had no choice in the matter (such as self defence in murder trial) then they are entitled to an acquittal based on diminished or no responsibility. (or they lacked the mens rea if you really want to be technical here)

But if, according to the Calvinists, a persons’ fate has already been decided by God, then clearly they had no choice to begin with? So where's the free will?

I was airing my frustration about this to my friend Jody the other day (don’t act all surprised… I do have deep conversation sometimes!!!). I enjoy hanging out with Jody. We spend a lot of time spinning out wacky story lines for my bestseller (patience my friend... release is imminent...ehem... just need to start writing). She believes in predestination but not in the way that the Calvanists do.

Jody came up with this profound insight. Maybe we do have free will? Maybe there are a myriad of choices that we could make, and God can see how each plays out to their conclusion?

Have you seen the film 'Sliding Doors'? It begins with a woman called Helen on her way home after being fired from her job. The film deals with two separate scenarios that evolve from Helen (a) catching or (b) missing a train. The viewer sees the two stories played out alongside each other. In one story she becomes happy and desperately unhappy in the other.

Perhaps we are all like Helen? But instead of 2 scenarios, there are SEVERAL scenarios, and God knows and sees All Of Them? Or maybe it's what my friend Rene said when I included him in the discussion a few days later

'...that every single alternate possibility that they (people) ever could have chosen has played out in trillions of parallel universes....'

Maybe God doesn't know EXACTLY which particular choice (out of the several) that we'll make at the 'decision points' of our lives. That would be a little more exciting for Him, I think...

But then again I'm just a human trying to understand a big God! So I'll stop here instead of speculating even further

But it makes you think, dunnit?

Wedding Drama

2009-09-22T15:36:00.010+01:00

Last Wednesday at 10.30pm I received a phone call from my friend.

"Kim have you got a bridesmaid dress, I am getting married next weekend?"

????

"Kim, Kim, you still there?"

"Sorry, I thought you said you were getting married next weekend?"

"Yes. That's what I said"

I established a few facts like:- she wasn't winding me up and definitely not pregnant ("are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure" "Really?" "I'd know if I was pregnant, wouldn't I?"

So what preparations have been made so far... Urm... did you say "nothing ?"

Honestly!!

If it was just the registry ceremony that would have been ok, but there's the all important wedding reception to think about! Why do we need wedding receptions anyway? Stressful and a waste of time and money!

It is so hard to plan a last minute wedding on a very tight budget? As in soooo tight with bride and groom both unemployed and no savings! The fact that it's a last minute thing means that none of us friends had enough notice to put some money together to make a contribution. Most of us thought they'd get married next year not next week?!!

The wedding is taking place in Richmond registry office. Richmond is an affluent area, which translates into NOT CHEAP. It's been tricky finding a venue for the reception. On Thursday evening we came across a charming Italian restaurant/wine bar with a private dining area that is available next Saturday. The manager, Stefano is not charging us for hire or decoration of the room. The menu has a choice of 4 starters, 4 mains and 4 desserts; with canapes to start and coffee to finish- and works out to £28 a head. There is also a wide range of wines and champagnes to suit all budgets. He's not even taking a down payment. I just loved it. However, the groom is not too keen on the restaurant. Yes it's a bit on the cosy side, but there are only 19 guests in a space normally used for parties of up to 25. AND he is only charging us for 19....
I wish he would trust my judgement just once. It's not like as if he has the budget to be fussy. He reminds me of that 'Location, Location, Location' show on Channel 4 where the househunters on the lowest budgets are the fussiest! You can almost feel the Kirsty and Phils frustration.

It's a truth universally acknowledged that the less money you have, the MORE you have to COMPROMISE.

The other option was the Richmond Hill Hotel. It's plus points were a stately function room with lots of space and high ceilings. Also location as it is close to the registry office and Richmond park where the wedding party will be taking photos after the ceremony. However, the menu offers a limited choice of only 2 starters (one has to be soup), a vegatarian or meat main dish and only one dessert - for £32.50 per head! This is in addition to the £120 for room hire. Because the room is so big, you'd notice if it wasn't decorated - this will cost some more. The cheapest wine on the menu is £20, and it isn't even a good wine. A bottle of champagne is £70!!!

So there you have it cosy and cheaper or the stately expensive one?

Would be easier if they just scrapped the whole reception idea and just used the money for their honeymoon.

The Weekend break that never was

2009-09-13T15:40:00.008+01:00

I am supposed to be in Dublin right now.

When Ryanair put on a special offer of £1 flights a couple of months ago my friend Rene asked if I wanted to go with him for a ‘non-romantic weekend in Dublin”. For £2? SURE!!

I have been boasting to all who would hear (yeah I know... first class irritant me). It’s not every day that you get a £2 return flight to Dublin? And seeing that we’d spent so little on flights we splashed out on a nice hotel right in the city centre. Separate bedrooms of course!!

But I’m not in Dublin…

On Friday when checking in online, I couldn’t print out the boarding pass for the flight back from Dublin. I phoned up the Ryanair customer service desk who explained that boarding passes couldn’t be printed until 15 days before the flight

“ Yes I know that. My return flight is on Monday”

“But ma,am it says here that your flight is the 14 October?

“Yeah. That. Is. MONDAY. It. Won’t. Let. Me. Print. Out. My. Boarding. Pass” Honestly. Where do they get these people!!!

Silence

“Madam, 14 October is a month away”

How could I have missed that? shit shit shit

With a sheepish “thank you for your help” I checked frantically for any cheap flights back on the 14th September– the cheapest was £73. Quick calculations brought me to the sad conclusion that my cheap weekend break was not working out to be so cheap after all. A phone call to Rene to let him know about the change of plan – he just laughed. I also had to cancel the hotel booking and got hit with a hefty late cancellation fee of £69. Ouch

To add insult to injury, I’ve spent all weekend indoors nursing a cold (It’s not swine flu) I just hate being sick

Well the good news is that those £1 deals come around again and you can be sure I’ll NEVER make that mistake again.

Sweden

2009-09-04T17:38:00.010+01:00

A friend Ellen lives in Gothenburg with her family and invited us 'girls' to spend summer bank holiday weekend with them. They have a summer house by the lake Valbo Ryr about an hour away from Gothenburg which is really pretty. The view through the huge french windows were stunning- like one of those picture post cards - shimmering lake waters against the backdrop of ever green conifers and aspen trees with their trembling leaves. Most traditional houses in Sweden are made from wood, painted red and white. The air is fresh and it's very clean.

On Saturday Ellen's husband Claude took us out into the woods to pick berries and mushrooms. Most of the blueberries and lingon berries ended up in our mouths (specifically Yati's mouth!!) , but we managed to saved some for a tasty pie which Ellen made later on.
There were so many varieties of mushrooms. Claude tried to direct us on which ones to pick, but when he saw me heading for the lovely red and white capped one (you know the poisoned one that killed Babar the Elephant's grandfather?) , he thought better of it and we were relegated to just watching. The canterella mushrooms which look like yellow brown daffodils, tasted divine when cooked in a typical French dish mixed with scrambled eggs. Fresh food tastes sooooooo good!

When we got back to the house however, Claude warned us to check ourselves for ticks, he'd found a couple on Poppy the dog....

Sweden is to the north of Scotland and Orkney islands which are VERY cold so I was surprised at just how mild the weather was. Ellen explained this is because of the gulf stream. We were not far from the west coast of Sweden also called Bohuslan coast so on Sunday we visited the sea side town of Fjällbacka where Ingrid Bergman used to have a summer house. There is a statue of her in the town centre. The houses looked like cute little Lego (toy) houses - Claude pointed out the Widows walks - sea facing balconies where sailors wives would look out for their loved ones return (or not). Our lengthy climb up the cliff using the sturdy wooden staircase built into it's side was rewarded with a lovely view of archipelago (small islands ) sprinkled around the sea below us. SO beautiful. Unfortunately, the camera battery died so couldn't capture the moment on film. Not to worry. We'll be back.

Afterwards we visited an old Viking burial ground. There was something really peaceful about it. We climbed up another cliff to the side of it to a spot where Ellen said it was customary to call upon the Nordic Gods - Odin, his wife Freya and Thor. So we linked arms at the point, and THEY shouted . I just couldn't bring myself to do it - which proves to me that I am way too suspicious and do not want to invite unwanted spiritual elements into my life.

We drove back singing Abba songs - it seemed appropriate. On the last day we spotted a moose. It was right in the middle of a field just watching us and posing long enough for us to take photos. What a privilege. Apparently not many Swedes have ever seen a moose!

What I really loved was watching Ellen and her family. They are a solid unit, very affectionate and enjoy each other's company. I envy them. I was so challenged that when I got back to London I invited my brother over for dinner. The first thing he did was switch on the TV, talk to on his mobile, play around on my laptop and left straight after supper. Oh well!

It was a lovely introduction to Scandinavia, and I have an open invite to Gothenburg. I think next year when it's warmer and I've saved up I'll visit other countries like Norway and Denmark

Refusing to Choose

2009-08-24T12:43:00.004+01:00

I’m so OVER the fancy dress group phase. It was fun; I met some nice people and will keep in touch with a few (I’m guessing also that the real reason is that due to weight gain I can’t afford costumes anymore - all the cheap ones come in smaller sizes…). Last weekend I was invited to a few parties and an impromptu barbeque, but I wasn’t feeling them and opted to stay in. Yeah I know… shocker!

I’m just not interested anymore

My psychiatrist penpal said that I sound like a ‘scanner’. Scanners are people who have diverse and multiple interests and find it hard to create a successful life that they love because their passions and abilities take them in so many different directions.
She recommended ‘Refuse to Choose -A Revolutionary Program for Doing Everything That You Love’ by Barbara Sher. I read an excerpt from the book which listed some phrases typically used by Scanners. A few of these really resonated like
“I can never stick to anything."
"I lose interest in things I thought would interest me forever."
"I get bored as soon as I know how to do something."
"I can't stand to do anything twice."
"I think everyone's put on this earth to do something; everyone but me, that is."
"I can't pay attention unless I'm doing many things at once."
"I'll never be an expert in anything. I feel like I'm always in a survey class."

In the last 2 years, I’ve backpacked, studied Italian, taken Salsa classes, challenged myself to read through all the Sci fi/Fantasy books in my local library so that I could become a 'critique', currently working my way through Terry Pratchett, learnt how to do sound mixing, became an editor

I'm really looking forward to reading this book. According to the blurb, Sher has developed dozens of powerful techniques to free people from goal paralysis and readers will stop thinking of themselves as dabblers or dilettantes, and find innovative ways to live lives of variety, challenge and joy.

It’s amazing how freeing it is to know that I don’t need to exhaust my energy fretting about finding the ‘one thing’ God has called to do. It's kind of like the time I discovered I didn't have to spend my life trying to earn 'brownie' points with God to earn his love. You can't earn what you already have. Real eye opener that!

I’m also looking at my job through totally different eyes. It has ceased to be just a place where I mark time until I 'discover' myself. I can focus on the positives like how it gives me work/life balance through flexible working and 30 days annual leave a year. I’m free to indulge my scanner nature on other diverse pursuits. I already do this, but now I can do so without the burden of guilt associated with my lack of ‘career ambition’

The beautiful people

2009-08-14T12:51:00.002+01:00

I like watching Ugly Betty. It is entertainment that doesn’t stretch the brain. It is an American sit com based in New York and revolves around Betty Suarez, unglamorous and good-natured girl who works in an uber-chic fashion magazine Mode. I wouldn’t say she was ugly although she’s got thick dark hair, wears large pink glasses, braces and some very odd clothes.
In last week’s episode, Betty goes to great lengths to win the affections of her musician neighbour, Jesse. She throws an exclusive Mode after party on her apartment’s roof so that his band can play ‘and get exposure’. Unfortunately, after the party she is crushed when she walks in on him snogging her glamorous room mate Amanda. Amanda wasn't aware that Betty had a crush on the guy. In the aftermath, when they are talking over things, Amanda comments wistfully

"You know you're lucky Betty. When someone falls in love with you, it's real. I never had that. I never know if I'm loved for who I am or because I'm so pretty. "

Funny that...

Mia, St B’s latest ‘hot’ new convert (all the guys are going gaga over her) echoed the same sentiment. She said she wanted to settle down and get married, but claims she is sick of guys just looking at her pretty face, and not really taking the time to know her as a person

I’m normally cynical about pretty people feeling sorry for themselves. After all their good looks open doors for them, people accommodate them and make allowances for their faults, and they have confidence that stems from being popular and always having their way. In the game of life, the odds are stacked much higher in their favour compared to us plainer folk.

My sister once invited a former beauty queen to spend Christmas with our family. She was former Miss California, or was it Miss Teen California – I forget… not relevant…she was very beautiful. My family relates to house-guests along the lines of a Kiswahili saying that goes: 'Mgeni siku mbili; siku ya tatu mpe jembe', which literally translates as ' Visitor for two days; on the third day give him/her a hoe'; so when I showed up for Christmas lunch, and she greeted me with,

“Kim! You’re here! Now you can make me some Earl grey tea. Your sister here has been drinking coffee all day”, I led her to the kitchen, pointed out the kettle, tea bags and sugar and told her “I have mine with milk and two sugars, Thanks!” Shock. She was accustomed to people always doing things for her, but when she left a week later she told me that it was refreshing to be treated like a normal person for a change.

I admit that I have double standards. Just last weekend, I was at a salsa club eye-balling this gorgeous German guy on the dance floor. He was tall, had lovely features, great body, BUT was a lousy dancer. I mean he was lacking basic rhythm and in salsa where a man has to lead, it is kind of IMPORTANT. Despite this, a lot of women approached him for dances. To my shame, so did I – he was just so cute. One wonders, had he been ugly, would anyone have danced with him?

There was a point to this post, but I've lost my thread. Perhaps we should spare a thought and have some sympathy for the pretty people among us. I'll find it somewhere. What do you think? Should we feel sorry for the pretty people of the world? Are you perhaps a pretty person and would like to share your experience with us?

Dull Christians

2009-08-11T18:32:00.003+01:00

I’ve been pondering on a recent conversation I had with my friends on our Girls night last Friday about why we are finding it difficult to socialise with fellow Christians.
The reason given was that, “Christians are dull”… But are we really?

Having lived between 2 extremes (from having only Christian friends, to having none at all) I have observed that the Christian parties I’ve attended have not been that different from non-Christian parties. Perhaps in the former, there is less innuendo, fewer swear words, no drugs, and everyone makes an effort to be ‘nice’.
These aren’t ‘deal breakers’.

Looking around at the girls I noticed that we were all single, independent women in our early 30’s… Could this be the reason why we find Christians dull?
Let's break it down even further. Isn't it more that we find Christian men dull?

In the Church, there are a lot of timid, socially awkward men who never take any risks – particularly in relationships. I heard once that the guys in Hillsong church London have been instructed by their pastors not to even hug woman, or ask them out on dates just in case she get’s the wrong idea....probably want to start a relationship... uh oh… she’s over 30…so biological clock is ticking… wants babies… marriage… I’m not ready for commitment… she’s not even perfect….surely she should look like (insert whatever hot celebrity they’ve been fantasizing about that particular week) and still act like Mother Theresa…HYPERVENTILATE

I know what you’re thinking girls… it’s just a coffee right?

On the other hand, the non Christian men that we meet at parties, flirt with you (which girl is impervious to a bit of flirting), shower you with compliments and generally make you feel sexy. You don't feel like a social pariah just because you are over 30. Granted, sometimes it does cross the line into sleaziness which is not pleasant... but most of the time it’s light hearted and fun!

Hmm let's think about this for a second.
Christian party- guy acts like he's got something stuck up his arse, carefully weighs everything he says to you, doesn't pay any compliments
Non-christian party - flirts with you and is fun.
I know where I would choose to be

Into Gay Territory

2009-08-03T12:25:00.004+01:00

Yesterday, Giulia and I headed to the West End in search of a bar for drinks. I wasn’t in the mood to be hassled by guys, so we decided on Compton’s – a gay bar on Old Compton street in Soho. It’s one of those classic old fashioned looking bars. The bar staff serve really quickly. When we walked in, everyone looked up and I whispered to Giulia, “Are you sure it’s alright for us to come in here?”

Yes, I know, it’s a gay bar but no women in sight. How come gay bars only ever have men?

The DJ in the back was playing ‘wicked’ tracks, and we spotted a Japanese couple gyrating on the raised section behind him. We joined them. It wasn't long before we were surrounded by other guys. They were all friendly, introduced themselves (Ray, Chris, Mohammed) and danced flirtatiously with us. That’s what I like about gay bars –you’ll have a good time and won’t have to worry about sleazy advances.

Or so I thought.

Mohammed it turns out is not gay.

“I thought you were supposed to be gay?”,

“I really like you, let’s go to my place afterwards”

“Nah, man I came to dance. Let’s just have fun here ok”

What are the chances eh? I go to a gay bar and still get hit on?

At 10.30, the bar closed and we spent some time chatting outside with our new friends. Ray is from New Zealand and was listing all the best gay clubs in London. Chris, from USA, had introduced himself as an “alcoholic” and then burst into high pitched laughter. I replied “That’s funny, and then not.” He is really into music and as a hobby mixes tracks which he gives to DJ’s to play in clubs. Mohammed on realising that he was not going to get any action from me left. Giulia lost her phone, so Chris offered to check on his laptop for her mobile operator’s website so she could report it stolen. Ku bar, which has a free Wi-Fi connection, was still open. And so it came to be that I was in the basement of Ku bar, hanging out with a bunch of gay men, on a Sunday night. Chris and I ogled the bar and waiting staff who were topless - big shoulders, waxed chests, tapered waists, six-packs. Mmm. I remarked, “For the job interview, they probably just had to take their shirts off” Chris pulled up his shirt to reveal his skinny chest. “What are my chances?” I burst out laughing.
A really good evening I think Giulia and I have decided to explore the gay scene a bit more.

Another thing about gay clubs –no queue in the ladies toilets! Nuff said!

Sabbath

2009-07-22T17:50:00.005+01:00

"Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labour and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. (Exodus 20: 8 – 11 NIV)

Yesterday I phoned up the office and asked my manager for the day off
“I’m not sick, just feel very tired.”
He agreed but told me he was a bit concerned about me as on Monday I’d been very quiet. I assured him that I’d be fine Wednesday. “I just need some time off that’s all”

So spent a leisurely day in bed, ate up all the leftovers in the fridge and ice cream from the freezer. Finished reading Terry Pratchett’s ‘Reaperman’ ( I’m still trying to figure out this one– Death supposedly retired, a new one appeared to take his place, there was a combat which somehow the old Death won?). I later on watched TV reruns online of Cupid and Dirty Sexy Money – but gave up on that when my Internet connection kept dropping, causing the video to freeze and buffer. I finished off the day by pampering myself with aromatherapy bath oils and a face mask package called Drift Away – a present from St Bs from two years ago (so it did come in handy after all)

This morning I felt quite refreshed and ready to take on the world again.

There’s something to be said about Sabbath. God knew that work work work with no rest leads to major problems like stress, depression. In today’s profit driven society business is 24/7, licensed trading hours for shops has been steadily increasing – when I first came to this country in 1998 on Sunday trading hours were 11 – 4, and now an extra hour has been added to this. I always wonder at people who complain about shops being closed on Sundays. They claim that they are not Christians, so why should they be subjected to observing the Sabbath. If only they could get over the whole ‘everything-Christian-must-be-bad’ hang up, they’d realise that Sabbath is for their benefit. It's funny how they would rather hear it from some secular self help guru (who's probably borrowed it from the Bible anyway- just not using the same jargon)
As human beings we get bogged down in the technicalities of things, and never look to the reason why they were instituted in the first place. I know Christians who don’t take Sabbath either– the ones always involved in ministry at church the whole of Sunday. You know the ones... they have full time jobs 6 days of the week, and then volunteer at church on Sunday. I used to be one of those Christians and I burnt out big time

The whole point of Sabbath is a day of rest from your labours – to give your body and mind a chance to recoup. It doesn’t have to be on a Sunday or a Saturday (depending on your denomination). Mine yesterday was a Tuesday.

Perhaps if God had explained Sabbath a little better… maybe we wouldn’t misinterpret it so. Look at Orthodox Jews – dating back to Jesus days. They turned their observation of Sabbath into a burden. To the point that when Jesus healed a man on the Sabbath – they moaned about the fact that he’d done something unlawful, totally missing out on the miracle that had just taken place in front of their very eyes.
Jesus told them "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath" (Mark 2: 27 NIV)

This is not rocket science.

Panic

2009-07-20T17:49:00.003+01:00

In my job, I’m working towards my professional qualification in Internal Auditing. In November I will be sitting for the first 2 out of 5 exams. My Employer is forking out a lot of money to pay for this!

Last Friday we had an all day training course on Risk Based internal auditing. The course made some sense while I listening to the trainer;
not so much sense when we did the group exercises
and on reviewing the course notes today – now no sense at all!

This afternoon I downloaded a past paper from the IIA website for practice on Paper 3- Internal Audit Practice, and got into state of panic because I couldn’t even answer one question. Even with the £80 study manual in front of me for reference! This paper is apparently the ‘easiest’ of the 5 and no one in my team has ever failed it.

How am I going to pass these exams? My brain feels like a sieve – and I’m not even pregnant (before you start, I heard that pregnant women have difficulty retaining stuff)!

How's the job going?

2009-07-10T17:07:00.001+01:00

‘How is your job going?’

I hear that question a lot. The answer I give depends on who has asked it
For those who just ask me to make conversation – not because they really wanted to know, it’s “Fine” with a bright smile
Those who know me slightly better get “Going” or “Dull” (grimace)
And then there’s the third category
“I wish I had never taken it in the first place. I am surrounded by middle aged colleagues I can’t relate to; sick of being stuck in an office or boring meeting all day, sick of jargon I don’t understand, writing non-inspiring reports on subjects that are of little interest to me.. Did I mention I hate the long commute?”

By this time they’ve got an ‘I-wish-I’d-never-asked’ expression and since I am trying not to be so negative I end lamely,
“Oh, the canteen is really nice, cheap, good quality food”

I feel really guilty about it especially in these tough economic times where unemployment in the UK is estimated to be 3 million in 2010. My younger sister has been looking for a job for almost 3 months now. It’s a tough job market and I should be grateful that I even have a job. And not just any job. I worked hard to get this one! I’ve never prepared so thoroughly for an interview before. I prayed and cried for it. And when I got it, I was delighted that it came with an unexpected promotion, pay rise and an interest free season ticket

But, the reality is far removed from my expectations. I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life. I enjoy doing PA at church – not the techie side (I’m hopeless at that), but interacting and feeling part of something bigger. I also like the video effects side of things.
I could possibly continue volunteering at church and perhaps gain some qualifications on a part time course. The only hurdle is that most audiovisual part time courses are not available in the evenings. So that would involve going part time at work. Can I afford it? At the moment ‘it’s a negative’! What’s getting in the way? I won’t be able to afford to pay my mortgage and pay off credit card bills. I could possibly sell and rent lodgings somewhere. I think I’m going to write down this plan of action. Hmm

Random Encounter

2009-07-06T00:47:00.009+01:00

On Friday Kemi and I decided to bond over making tiramisu and watching TV. (Okay I supervised and decided what we'd watch). We started off the evening in the supermarket where we went a bit wild. Ended up with a very heavy bag of groceries which we lugged between us. As we were waiting for the bus, a guy in a Mercedes pulls up and asked
'Where are you going girls? Do you need a lift?"
I blurted out "Yes please" and without hesitating hauled the bag into the back seat, gesturing for Kemi to get in. She almost had an apoplectic fit and whispered furiously,
"Kim, what you doing? You don't even know the guy!"
"But the bus is taking ages to come"

Layi (his name) drove us home. (I must add caveat that Kemi was strongly opposed to this) and then asked us what our plans were for the evening.
"We’re making tiramisu"

You could tell that he wanted us to ask him in. He kept dropping hints, which I ignored and instead thanked him profusely for his kindness. Before he drove off, he asked if he could come and visit us from time to time. "yeah, that would be nice"
"How will I contact you?
So I gave him my number and that was that....

An hour later I got a call from him.

"How’s the tiramisu coming along? Umm, I've got a bottle of wine, and it's really not great to drink on my own. Can I come over and share with you girls?"
"Oh alright then, come over"

Kemi - “What you doing Kim... we don't even know the guy.... what if the wine is poisoned... we need to call someone and let them know that we have a STRANGE man coming to our house.... let’s put out Bibles and play Christian music"

Maybe I'm too trusting but unlike Kemi I wasn't suspicious. Layi brought a nice bottle of French red wine (it wasn't poisoned… see I’m still alive), and stayed chatting until like 3.00am when I politely threw him out (or else he would have gone on for longer). Quite knowledgeable, well travelled, appeared to be genuinely interested in people - a bit of name dropping here and there. Lousy taste in music. He DISSED Beyonce. Hmm! Kemi claims that he was directing all the conversation to me and that he really liked me. (Well she was giving him the third degree ‘Who are you? Where do you work? What kind of family are you from?) I didn't pick up any ‘I like you vibes’. I never do unless it’s blatant. Actually Layi reminds me of one of my best friends, Eddie, who passed away 4 years ago. I can see Eddie doing the same thing.
Typical extravert,
Totally spontaneous
Or maybe he was a bit lonely and just wanted company.
Unfortunately I don’t think we’ll be hearing from him again. He phoned on Sunday morning – I was at church. So he said he’d phone later. When he did, I was on my way to church again for the evening service. He couldn’t have gotten off the phone any quicker. His last words were a vague. “Okay, I’ll phone you some time’
Yeah, and we know what that means…
NEVER.

Heat Wave in London

2009-07-03T15:24:00.002+01:00

In London, we’ve been having incredible temperatures this week 30 – 31 degrees Centigrade– which is great if you are on holiday, not so great if you have to travel to work. Our Public transport has very poor ventilation and air conditioning. Add this with the number of commuters crammed in (on Victoria line – about 600,000 per day) makes for some unpleasant journeys. Hot, crowded

Yesterday, a colleague decided to travel home by bus because he thought it would be cooler. I smirked when I read the headlines in the Metro ‘30 degrees … but buses keep heating on’. Apparently despite ‘sauna’ like conditions drivers are not allowed to turn the heating off in their buses as it can only be done by engineers! Either this is a strategy for engineers to protect their jobs or another classic example of British Health and Safety rules gone mad! What’s so hard about installing simple temperature controls that can be operated by drivers? After all, we have them in cars?

London!

A Second Kind of Loneliness

2009-06-26T13:54:00.000+01:00

It’s the loneliness of people trapped within themselves. The loneliness of people who have said the wrong thing so often that they don’t have the courage to say anything anymore.

The loneliness, not of distance, but of fear.

The loneliness of people who sit alone in furnished rooms in crowded cities, because they’ve got nowhere to go and no one to talk to. The loneliness of guys who go to bars to meet someone, only to discover that they don’t know how to strike up a conversation, and wouldn’t have the courage to do so if they did.

There’s no grandeur to that kind of loneliness. No purpose and no poetry. It’s loneliness without meaning. It’s sad and squalid and pathetic, and it stinks of self-pity.

Oh yes, it hurts at times to be alone among the stars
But it hurts a lot more to be alone at a party. A lot more.

Extract from ‘The Second Kind of Loneliness’ from DreamSongs I - George R. R. Martin
Published in Great Britain in 2006 by Gollancz

Paradise Gardens Festival 2009

2009-06-24T14:35:00.002+01:00

Last weekend I went for the Paradise Gardens festival in Victoria Park, East London.

I avoid East London as much as possible. Unfortunately for me, because it has the largest Asian and Black population in London, it’s the only place I can get my hair and eyebrows done at reasonable prices so I venture there once every 2 months.

Its streets are dirty, crime ridden, with crumbling buildings that screech ‘deprived’. Londoners were quite bemused to learn that in April, the travel section of the New York Times was encouraging tourists to visit Deptford advertising it as ‘London’s Wild West’ and nearby New Cross is supposedly ‘hip’
The metro newspaper quoted a local bar maid, “All I can say is I hope they like hoodies, muggers and junkies"

Pretty much sums it up. I could add to her list,
‘Chavs’,
So-called white supremacists (why do they always live close to the people they hate?)
Muslim extremists,
Cockney gangsters

Before you East Londoners take offence and ‘come after me’, there are some bits (emphasis on bits) of East London that look nice. Even though you have to bolt yourselves in your houses for fear of burglars. Government is pouring loads of cash in a bid to regenerate the area in time for London Olympics 2012. So maybe there is hope that at least for that one month it will look better?

Whoa!
This article started out as a field report on the Paradise Gardens Festival, and now it’s become a lesson on why you should avoid East London

Yati and I had a picnic just by the big stage in the middle of the park that had live world music (e.g. Gipsy, Reggae) throughout the afternoon. Yati and I go for many free music festivals, and noted a familiar solo figure dancing in front of the stage. We’ve debated on whether he is homeless or not – but his clothes and the handkerchief he uses to wipe the sweat off his face look clean. He twirls about, lost in the music waving his hands above his head; sometimes moves jerkily to a rhythm that is only in his mind. Other dancers give him a wide berth although once in a while, someone will join him where by he’ll get excited. Very entertaining! He must have spotted us laughing hysterically at him because during a break he came up to chat. His name is Roy. We complimented him on his dancing saying he was “a pleasure to watch” He replied “That’s not the only way I give pleasure” Ha ha ha (ewww!)

A couple of friends joined us later. We stopped to buy Italian ice-cream from a cute Albanian ice cream man called Nimak. He told us that he wasn’t Italian but would like to learn the language. I pointed at Giulia “She is Italian”… wink wink… “She could teach you. What do you think of her?” “Yeah she’s cute” “Shall I give you her number?” He passed me a piece of paper and I wrote it down” (ok I was a bit drunk). Giulia (also a bit drunk) who had been laughing throughout the whole exchange asked me “You didn’t give him my real number did you?” He phoned her the next day that started with “Hi, I’m the ice cream man” They’ve arranged a date this week. Watch this space
Mark (of the fangs) was also there and asked us to join him at the ‘White Mischief’ tent. It was advertised as a place that combines unique live musical acts with some of the most astonishing vaudeville and circus performers around. We got to know Mark a bit better. He is a ‘dandy’ (“I am NOT a Goth. Goth’s are a bunch of middle class kids who hate their parents”) He wears heavy black eyeliner, dresses in black, his myspace page has photos of him modelling in various gothic stances and his stage name is Markabre Charade? Easy assumption to make!
I stand corrected! (And educated)

The most memorable act for me that day was MC Elemental, who does Victorian hip hop. He raps about subjects like ‘Tea’.
“When I say ‘Earl Grey’ you say ‘Yes Please’…
‘Earl Grey?’… “Yes please”; ‘Earl Grey’… ‘Yes please’
When I say ‘Oo’ you say ‘Long’
‘Oo’… ‘Long’; ‘Oo’… ‘Long’

Charming!

Sardinia Part 2

2009-06-18T18:43:00.004+01:00

I'm disappointed that no one picked up on cliff hanger from my previous post! Oh well, good job I like writing, even if it is for the audience of one. Although that was not good for my ego I tell you.
My sister insists that I should publish this blog into a book. I don’t understand where she’s coming from since very few of you read it, and those of you who stumble across it don’t come back or even leave a comment to let me know that you’ve been. I am clearly not pandering to the ‘blogging’ public
My brother and his friend, Francesco gave us a lift in their hire car to Agririposo Olivar, which about a km from Alghero town centre. It is a beautiful guesthouse, quiet, clean and nestled in an olive grove. The large rooms were bright and colourful (ours was orange). The Irish couple in the next room recommended the sea-facing restaurants in old Alghero town so in the afternoon we set out to have lunch.We found a seafood restaurant, Aquatica Bar Lounge Restaurant, on the water's edge. The menu had a choice of 3 sea food platters, 17 Euros for small, 22 Euros for medium and 25 Euros for large. The waiter told us that the small platter was too small, but the large one would be enough for 3 people. So we went with his recommendation. The food was brilliant and we thought 'Bargain! We'll come here everyday!" When the bill came, we found out to our shock that the actual cost was 25 euros per person. We called the waiter over to clarify - yes that was the price. I felt really cheated! I know that we're tourists, but don’t they owe their customers a duty to be clear on their pricing. TIP: When you are next in Italy, before ordering remember to ask if the advertised price is ciascuno (pronounced CHAS -KOO- KNOW) the Italian word for 'each'
EC and Francesco caught up with us, and then drove us around the north west of Sardinia. Although he grew up in Rome, Francesco's paternal relatives are originally from Sardinia, and he spent a lot of his childhood here. He took us on a sightseeing drive to beautiful beaches like the salt pebbled beach of Saline- where the sea was crystal blue; to posh Stintino on the north western tip of Sardina where we spent an afternoon lazing on the popular white sand La Pelosa beach. the tranquility was only spoiled by constant interruptions by Senegalese and Indian hawkers selling goods ranging from beach towels to costume jewellery. We also went to the towns of Porto Torres, Lu Bagnu, Sassari, Sorso, CastelSardo - a seaside town built around an imposing castle high up on a mountain.

On our last evening, Francesco's friends, Pasqualino and Antonella, invited us over for a barbeque. There was a lot of meat, aubergines with a parsley dressing, local Sardinian wine. His other guests were friendly- didn’t speak a lot of English, and so it fell to me to do most of the translating. My Italian needs a lot of work! I observed that the Italian girls barely touched their food and drink and were content to just eat the raw fennel on a tray in the middle of the table. Whereas, us foreigners ate like starving refugees, and drunk so much wine and the after dinner liquer. We were embarrassingly drunk.
Sardinia is lovely! I wouldn't live there for fear that I would take itfor granted. A lovely holiday destination, with great beaches and hospitable people

Do you remember, the most important for those tourist trap restaurants?

CIASCUNO!

Sardinia Part 1

2009-06-16T17:52:00.002+01:00

I wish I still had a camera
But even photos would not do justice to this lovely island off the coast of Italy

For the last 4 years I have been travelling to Italy for my birthday. I didn’t think it would happen this year because of a poor financial situation. I'd even stopped attending my weekly Italian classes because there was no motivation to keep learning. What's the point if I'm not going to practice it.

A couple of weeks ago Yati phones me up to ask
“Can you get Monday’s off work? How about a long weekend in Italy?”
“Yeah, that would be lovely, but I am broke, so aint gonna happen”
“Don’t worry about that. Emily and I are paying for it”
“What? For everything”… ( in case she was winding me up)
“I’m serious, give me your passport details and I’ll book the flight”

Can I just say how overwhelmed I am by the generosity of my friends? I really don’t deserve them! I really don’t!

And so early Thursday morning, I was at the departure gate in Stanstead airport ready to board the plane to Alghero, Sardinia.
I heard someone call my name, and squinted at some dodgy looking black guy with a tall cream hat. Hang on a minute, that’s my brother,
“What are you doing here? Where you going?”
“Alghero”
“Me too”
“You guy. Are you stalking me?”
“What do you mean I’m stalking you, I didn’t even know you were travelling”

Won’t bore you with the details but conversation carried on in the same vein.

It was one of the best things that could have happened on this holiday...

Reflections on Worship

2009-06-09T08:11:00.006+01:00

Yesterday afternoon I got a text from my friend Ruby saying,

'Mass text, I just win 2 free tickets to Beyonce @ O2 tonight. Hit me up for the spare, whoever gets back to me first gets it, Rubes x'

Well you know me and free things! I fired back a text with "Me!" but my mate Jules had got there before me! I grudgingly congratulated Jules for her luck and half-jokingly mentioned to my colleagues,
"Maybe I should call up Jules and say it was my birthday on Saturday and since she didn't give me a present, she should forfeit her ticket to the concert"

At about 6.00pm she calls me to ask whether I was still up for going to the concert!
"Is that a question? What do you think?"
She was feeling rough, and anyway as it was my birthday on Saturday, it's only right that I should go instead of her!
Result!!!

And so to O2 I went for the most brilliant concert I've ever been to in my life! Beyonce is AMAZING! She is gorgeous and had such stage presence. Her voice is outstanding. She belted out all the favourites like Baby Boy, Naughty Girl, Crazy in Love, Listen, Single Ladies, and then some not so known ones (at least to me) the girls in front of me were REAL FANS because they knew the words and dance moves for ALL the songs!
She graciously let the all female band share the spot light with her allowing them to showcase their amazing musicianship. Her Big Afroed lead guitarist (who used to play for Lenny Kravitz) was brilliant! And the backing vocalists called the ‘Mama’s’ had such powerful voices

The backdrop to the stage was a large screen with stunning visuals that complemented her, the songs. During the song Ave Maria one there were scenes of waves crashing, and background sounds of the ocean.

I was so impressed with the technical centre, the quality of the sound production; overwhelmed by the whole concert. I REALLY want to work in this field and it has given me the much needed push to pursue excellence in PA and AV.
Beyonce’s concert was celebration of herself. She’s worked hard to get there and it shows. Let her enjoy it and reap the rewards of her labour. Our adulation is temporary and will only last as long as she continues to scintillate and give us what we want. It is a sad truth that once the youth, glamour, good looks and voice start to fade, she will pass on into obscurity like the rest of yesterday’s stars.

Imagine how much more elaborate a production celebrating God would be!

There’s always a conflict in worshiping God passionately and self-indulgence. Where does one draw the line? For me, this is not a problem as I don’t enjoy the contemporary ‘indie’ or gospel worship songs that we sing in church. I just sing the lyrics. Although, sometimes there are cheesy lyrics like “I kiss the Son” by Tim Hughes (shudder) which (for me) is just awful!

I went to a Hillsong worship concert once which opened with a fantastic audio visual production showing shots of various natural wonders from around the world. This was overlaid with phrases like ‘God is the Creator’ ‘God is Awesome. In that moment, I believed it and was overcome with an awareness of just how awesome God as Creator is.
I wish I could showcase and celebrate the qualities, personality and character of God in a similar way. I don’t know how I can do this, but one day!

Birthday Weekend

2009-06-08T18:01:00.007+01:00

You know those cartoons where the sleepy character has to prop their eyes open using matchsticks! I wish I could do that in real life! I am SOOOO tired. On hindsight I should have taken today off work. I was dozing in the Risk Management workshop- in front of clients!!!

It was an eventful weekend!
Friday night, a good friend Rob invited me for his wife Amy’s birthday dinner in a Middle Eastern restaurant called Darbucka. We lounged on cushions and ate delicious (though overpriced) food at low tables. I only get to see Rob once every 6 months, so make the most of it when we meet up.
After dinner I checked out Bantu night event that aims to bring together the Bantu speaking people of East and South Africa. We have similar words in our languages, and linked by the word ‘Bantu’ which means ‘people’ – hence Bantu people. Incidentally, when I went to South Africa I learnt that this has evolved into a demeaning term that was used to describe the ‘Blecks’ during apartheid. To use it there causes the same amount of offence as the word ‘nigger’ does to Black Americans.
The event was ok. I tried to befriend a group of Tanzanians and then Zimbabweans – but this was hard because everyone was sticking to their own. The Ugandans weren't very friendly either.I gave up and instead stationed myself in the middle of the dance floor for the rest of the evening. The music was good –mainly Ugandan pop which is a truly unique blend of traditional Ugandan, reggaeton, rap, lingala, hip hop and Jamaican dance hall styles of music. Kemi would have loved it. I left at about 1.30am, caught the trusty old night bus N29. Got home about 3 am–went to bed at about 5.00am

my 'baby' sister

Saturday dressed up as pirate and joined my fancy dress crew at the Tatershall Castle pub boat which is moored near Embankment station. My younger sister and B were just standing there laughing at the antics of my ‘fancy dress’ friends. I must admit they are mad. I met Mark, who has 4 natural fangs that have grown out on top of his other teeth- amazing. He told me that he once had them removed but they grew back. He’s a composer and works in theatre. I told him
“With those teeth you were definitely born for the theatre!”

I don't know whether you can make out the teeth in this photo.

We then made our way to Zoo bar off Leicester Square. The club has 3 rooms, each playing different style of music. I loved the Funky House/Dance music room. My friends (except Tiago and Giulia) who hate it, voted to go to the RnB room. The sound and air conditioning in that room wasn’t great so after a while I got bored and went back to the funky house room. An Algerian, Mohsin, homed in on me to dance, and then followed me back to the RnB room. He kept pestering me to go outside with him for a smoke. I’d had a lot to drink by this time, so Stuart stepped in and asked whether I needed rescuing.

Me and my Sicilian friend Giulia!

A couple of my favourite guys- Stu and Tiago

He took me to a sofa where we cosied up apparently looking so cute that someone asked whether we were married. (again!) Stu and I then had rather bizarre conversation about our 'wedding'. I’d be dressed in a bright red mini dress and the church would be decorated with disco lights, music set to funky house. Stu would be at the front dressed like a DJ waving his hands shouting, ‘Can I get a whoop, whoop!’ Haha. I glanced up and noticed Mohsin with a hurt expression on his face. What is it with these guys? You dance with them and they think you owe them? Left at 3.00am and got home at about 4.00am

Stu and me- cozying

Sunday Iwas on to do PA at morning service. No one to blame but myself really because I’m the one who does the technical team rota. How I managed to do it, with only 3 and half hours sleep- I don’t know. Lots of coffee! Jackie Guy - fantastic dancer

After service I went down to the South Bank Royal Festival Hall for the Bloom Festival that my good friend Jeanette organised for that weekend. I took part in the African Caribbean dance workshop that was taught by a Jamaican International Choreographer called Jackie Guy. He did not look his age of 73. He was cracking hilarious jokes! It was a lot of fun. Not only did he teach us some dance moves, but dropped in bits of Jamaican history and culture.

Got home at about 5.00pm, but had to stay up to watch ‘The Apprentice’ at 9.00pm . Was really pleased that Yasmina won this year. I went to bed at midnight.

Not bad going for a 34 year old eh?

The London Loop

2009-06-03T17:48:00.005+01:00

The 140 mile London Loop, referred to as the ‘walkers M25’, goes around the London Greenbelt area (Zones 5 and 6). It features country parks, woods, stately homes, farms and the odd ugly industrial building.
Three years ago a colleague lent me a London Loop guidebook which broke it down into 15 sections of approximately 9 miles each. At the time, Yati, my sister Ngonzi and I were determined to tackle a section every other Sunday, however, interruptions like our unpredictable English weather, foreign trips etc have meant that we’ve only done a third of it.
There are several websites on the London Loop but the one I like best is this one by a guy called Stephen and his dog George. (Sometimes there’s another dog called Ellie). It's got nice photos of the walk and his dog is cute.

Last Sunday Yati, Jody, B and I walked the Petts Wood to West Wickham section. The guidebook said that the walk was 9 miles long, but I’m pretty sure we walked about 11 miles. It didn’t get up to a promising start. When we left the train station, ‘someone’ holding the guide book, got their left mixed up with right and we made the wrong turn. When we didn’t recognise any of the roads we stopped to ask for directions,
‘Uh Jubilee Park is one mile back that way!” (The way we’d just come! Hmmph)
B took over the guidebook and did a good job of navigating us through the rest of the walk. It was a pleasant day; the woods provided shade against the heat. Half way, we stopped at a lovely village pub and had a well deserved drink in its beer garden.

B was quiet as usual. I don’t know why he hangs out with me and my friends. He can’t possibly enjoy himself. There is just nothing in common. He is into history, current affairs, and politics. Whereas I am into gossip, guys, clubbing, films, fiction. (Just reading that sentence back I seem quite shallow. Heck…. I am shallow). Such a shame because he really is quite good looking!
I’d kind of hoped that B would hit it off with Jody. She tried to engage him in conversation, asking incessant questions but he only responded in single sentences- never volunteering anything extra. After a while it gets exhausting. Even for listeners. In the end she admitted defeat “He’s just too quiet!” She even asked him
“Why are you so quiet?” and he responded “I just am”
Oh well

Rivers in the desert

2009-06-01T14:12:00.001+01:00

I’ve started June in negative bank balance. Not to worry… what are overdrafts for eh? Of course this means that the next month will start on the same note and the cycle continues. I feel really vulnerable – teetering on the edge of this abyss. I’m so dependent on this one job, credit cards and overdraft– which could easily be snatched away. There is no ‘safety net’- no investments, savings or rich relatives to bail me out. Each time I enter my pin number I wonder whether this will be the one that will push me over completely.
The way I deal with living in credit is with a ‘stick-your-head-in-the-sand’ mentality. I’ve got to deliberately NOT worry about the future, live in denial or I will go insane. This is a hard thing to do as I’m a worrier by nature. I keep things bottled in; wind myself up so tightly, and then in a moment of release it all comes out – often disproportionately to the situation. Yesterday during the sermon I burst into tears when I heard the words from Lamentations 3:17-26 (Contemporary English Version)

I cannot find peace or remember happiness. I tell myself, "I am finished! I can't count on the LORD to do anything for me." Just thinking of my troubles and my lonely wandering makes me miserable. That's all I ever think about, and I am depressed.
Then I remember something that fills me with hope. The LORD's kindness never fails! If he had not been merciful, we would have been destroyed. The LORD can always be trusted to show mercy each morning. Deep in my heart I say, "The LORD is all I need; I can depend on him!" The LORD is kind to everyone who trusts and obeys him. It is good to wait patiently for the LORD to save us.

I’ve made bad choices, but I think I’m where God wants me to be. I need to trust that he will turn this mess around. And if he isn’t turning it around quick enough for me, then he isn’t. Perhaps there are lessons I still have to learn- responsible stewardship for one.

I can choose to wallow in depression, or focus on the blessing that it is. One of my favourite verses is in Isaiah 43:19 where God says he ‘creates rivers in the desert’ (Amplified Version). And there have indeed been rivers. If I hadn’t been in this situation, I would never have known or fully appreciated just how kind my friends and relatives are. Ros and Jon lending me their car; Yati and Emily offering to pay for a holiday to Italy; Stuart buying me drinks at every social gathering; Paul bringing me loads of meat (Kemi remarked “He must have slaughtered a whole cow”) and Kemi who barely has anything, buying me the occasional little thing to bless me.

And so I praise you God for this shitty, unstable situation. I will try not to worry too much, continue to look for the lessons that are yet to be learnt, enjoy the blessings and wait on you. AMEN.

Matchmaker Matchmaker make me a match

2009-05-26T17:58:00.011+01:00

I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty crap at this 'guy stuff' and need all the help I can get. One of my friends, Emily has been trying to set me up since we were at University. She fancies herself a bit of a matchmaker and calls me up at least once a month, to tell me that she's found me yet another 'perfect match'. Usually nice guys, but just not my 'type' (one time even the guy was gay).

And whenever I make a new guy friend, Emily is always the first to urge me to move the friendship to another level "After all... you enjoy his company so you are halfway there." She obviously hasn't caught on to the fact that guys I fancy NEVER make it to the 'buddy category'.

For a close friend, I don't understand how Emily can get it so wrong. At the moment she's convinced that what I really need is a serious, intelligent older man (YAWN)

Earlier in the month, I invited my friend B to her house party and true to form she decided that we were perfect for each other. Never mind I barely spoke to him for most of that party - we don't have a lot to say to each other. I laughed it off at the time, but when she kept bringing it up in every conversation it stopped being funny. Apparently, I'm too picky. Don’t get me wrong. he is a nice guy, good looking too. But there is just no chemistry and our interests do not intersect at all. Yesterday we went to the British Museum together. As soon as we entered the main exhibition, he wandered off on his own. I was a bit confused. After all, if someone invites you out to a museum or art gallery surely it is to share the experience. I tried to engage him in conversation about the artefacts, but he was clearly not interested. I might as well have gone on my own. Just as I was working out an exit strategy, Yati showed up with 'S'. Things got much better from then. We managed to shake 'B' off and had a great afternoon together.

I was very impressed with S

Yati has been wanting to introduce S and me for ages. She said he was my type, we'd get along, I'd really like him etc. I've been putting it off because after Emily's matchmaking efforts, I am reluctant to meet anyone recommended by friends. I should have trusted the fact that Yati lived with me for 3 years and knows me better than anyone else. She's nailed this one! From the fact that he’s a Christian, to the height, build, personality, age, interests, looks, a touch of political incorrectness… At least one friend listens to me!! In a way S reminds me of ‘A’ (another guy that I had a MA-HOO-SSIVE crush on a couple of years ago). I was so into him that I literally threw myself at him, and was firmly rebuffed! Won't be making that mistake again. Hmm, how am I going to do this!

Rugby Sevens

2009-05-26T13:49:00.004+01:00

On Saturday, courtesy of my new friend Ruby, I went to watch the Emirates Rugby Sevens at Twickenham Stadium She got free hospitality box tickets through the company she works for.

Rugby Sevens is an International event and is made up of teams of seven, playing short 14 minute matches. The last time I watched a live rugby game was in Uganda – over 10 years ago, so was really excited. I just love Rugby players. Especially No 12 England team Chris Cracknell who has a fantastic body! On the Rugby Football Union website, he is listed as ‘Unattached’. I know, it probably means that he is not tied to any Rugby team, but one can hope…

Ruby and I met up at Richmond station. As the advertised free bus shuttle service was not running, we walked to the Stadium. On the way, she smoked a joint. I didn’t realise it then, but must have inhaled quite a bit (keep this in mind, will come back to this later)

The atmosphere in the stadium was electric. There was a large Kenyan turn out to support Kenya team. The Southern stand was full of them – colourful and loud. Ruby and I went over to soak in the atmosphere. The Kenya team did really well winning 2 out of 3 games. They only lost (with dignity) to Fiji which is a superior rugby team anyway
.
Then there was the England team. Each time they came on the cheer leaders would stand in parade waving England flags. There’d be a flash of smoke and pyrotechnics and the commentator would shout “Here's what you've all been waiting for....WELCOME YOUR TEAM” The crowd went wild. I screamed myself hoarse – for Kenya, England, and South Africa.

Throughout the day, I had a splitting headache – I’ve never experienced such intense pain. I realised I must be suffering from the side effects of that smoke I inhaled in the morning. Second-hand skunk smoke is bad for you. Next time Ruby lights up –I will distance myself, put a wet cloth over my mouth and nose! I never want to go through that again. Terrible

Being Posh

2009-05-15T17:50:00.009+01:00

Yesterday, my friend Julius sent me a text message asking whether I was free for ‘proggy’, a private art exhibition at a gallery in Mayfair.

The artist Pip Mcgarry is 'one of the Europe’s leading wild life artists with an international reputation for his oil paintings of big cats and African game'. He recently sold a painting at Christies for a record £29,300 – so serious art there!! He was auctioning off a couple of pieces; the proceeds going to the charity Five Talents (UK) who organised the event.

I must admit I was a bit apprehensive. My preconception of Art Exhibitions is that they are ‘snobby’ affairs where a bunch of rich people stand around, drinking free wine and saying ‘Yah, Astounding! Yah, Spiffing”. Not really my scene. Plus I was going straight from work and concerned that I may not be dressed for the occasion in my sweater and cowboy boots. What if the women were wearing evening gowns? I didn’t want to embarrass Julius. He assured me that I was okay.

“I’ve been to these functions before. You’ll fit in just fine’

When we got there, the first person I saw was the photographer. A couple of years ago I went on a blind date with him, and we really hit it off. He sent me an email afterwards declaring his love yada yada yada. Not long after, we went on a disastrous second date (for some reason didn’t stay in touch...) Yesterday, he couldn’t even remember my name (so much for love eh) “Which one were you? The Gemini?”No doubt the story of ‘The Gemini’ has been filed away in his repertoire of dating disasters. Well in mine he is under ‘Infantile photographer facing mid life crisis’ HAH!

Julius was schmoozing, so I grabbed a glass of wine and walked around the gallery. The art is good. I really liked this one of the elephants at a watering hole called 'Savute Evening' . It almost looks like a photograph and not an oil painting.

I met another woman who'd tagged along and discovered that we have a lot in common. She works with my organisation and yeah,

She was also there for the food

And the food- cucumber sandwiches yeurggh!

An Awkward Moment

2009-05-13T23:43:00.006+01:00

As it was M’s birthday, a bunch of us went to the old White Lion pub, a favourite haunt with St B’s youth. By the time I got there M, was drunk. I’ve never seen him drunk. It was hilarious.

Stu and I were exchanging our usual playful banter.

Slight explanation: - I love Stu – and I’m pretty sure he loves me- as a brother. Ok not so sure about the ‘brother’ bit. Lately he’s always grabbing my ass. (It’s a nice ass, if I should say so

myself ;-P) The last incident I moved his hands to my waist saying; -
“NOT there, HERE”
His explanation was “Sorry…my hands slipped!”
Yeah right!! Hands slipped! Original!

Okay, so back to the pub. Across the table, I noticed Rob studying us. He nudged Hannah and whispered something to her.
Then they both turned to us deliberately
“Guys we’ve decided that the two of you should get married”

This is what is called An Awkward Moment

There was a hush at the table. I was thinking 'what the f*@K! M is sitting right next to Rob. You idiot, you are blowing my CHANCES man! (All this in the space of a second) I frantically searched for a response – no help from Stu there.

When Bianca piped up with, “Why do you say that Rob? Is it because they are Black?”, I grabbed on to it like a drowning man- ,

“Hey, that’s our line! You just stole my line! I’m supposed to say that”

Every one laughed and the moment was broken.
Hmm! I hope it doesn’t come up again.

Neighbours, a car and a lesson in Grace

2009-05-05T17:38:00.013+01:00

I don't know whether I have mentioned before that I have pretty amazing neighbours - Ros and Jon. I learnt that they moved onto my road in February this year when a mutual friend sent an email to introduce us to each other.

Ros and Jon are really quite brilliant. They blow every misconception that some of us Blacks have of ‘White People.’ Where do we get this idea that all ‘White People’ are cold with ‘Etiima’ (in my language this loosely translates to ‘heartless’); sticklers for rules at the cost of relationshi- selfish ‘…putting their elderly parents in Retirement homes!’

Perhaps I shouldn’t generalise. Not ALL Blacks feel this way about 'White People' – maybe it’s only the ones I talk to. 'White People' stories (almost always the nasty experiences) end in ‘trademark’ punch line…

“White People! Hah!!” (Note, not the short sharp ‘Hah!’, but the long drawn out ‘Haaaaaaah”)
The listeners (black) usually respond with a chorus of understanding, “Mmhmms!!!” knowing looks and sniggers all around.

The same people, when I tell them about an act of kindness that a friend has done for me, will ask first,
“What a nice person. White or black?”
“Black” will get little reaction. Say “White” – and it's like they've been stung by a bee, a sharp intake of breath and if they are Nigerian you might even get “Ah Ah!!! – slap the leg – “You’re joking me!!!”

When Ros and Jon found out that it takes me about an hour and a half to get to church on Sunday mornings by bus, they offered me the use of their second car for the weekends. They wouldn’t even let me pay for the extra cost of insurance insisting that it was a gift - their way of blessing me. But not wanting to abuse this privilege, every Sunday before I return it, I wash, wax and refuel the car.

When I got home last Friday, I found that they’d dropped the car off as usual and left a message with my sister to tell me that the petrol tank was full and there's no need for me to put in anymore.

This car thing has got me thinking about my relationship with God and my response to grace. Ros and Jon, like God, have given me a free gift, and don’t expect anything in return for it. And yet against their express wishes and assurances I continue trying to earn the privilege - fearing that it might get withdrawn if I don’t show enough appreciation.

Isn’t it frustrating when you give someone a gift, that where a simple 'thank you' would have sufficed, that person overdoes the ‘appreciation thing’! This attitude questions the character of the Giver, of the friendship and just kills the whole pleasure of giving!

But let me remove the plank from my own eye before I start pointing out the splinter in others. I know I still haven’t learnt how to receive grace and as a result, I am not growing in my relationship with God. How can I when I insist on behaving like a servant and not a friend?

I reckon the reason why people reject the gospel is because of society’s inbuilt scepticism that makes us meet kindness with suspicion

‘There's nothing-like-a-free-lunch’

“It can’t possibly be free"
"What’s the catch?"

Sound familiar?

Perhaps we all need neighbours like Ros and Jo to teach us what grace means!

mortified

2009-04-26T21:31:00.006+01:00

My younger sister has moved in with me. The other day she came out the flat and my neigjbour Clive asked her whether I was her Mom!!!

Her MOM!!!

I was mortified, horrified. She's 25!!!

She has assured me that the guy was just trying to make conversation, but there are some things that, even said in 'jest', are just NOT funny or welcome conversational topics.

I've always prided myself on looking younger than my age. Clearly, this is no longer the case if someone thinks that I am old enough to have a 25 year old daughter!

Do I look that old?

The only thing that's different is that I'm fat. Maybe that's what makes me look old. Maybe that's why the youth don't talk to me at church because they think I am like 40+ years old - WAYYYYY older than they are.

It's really depressing.

I can't really afford it but I've joined the gym, and will probably go on an extreme diet so that I can look young again

It's throwaway comments like this that make people develop eating disorders

When I next have my neighbours round to dinner, Clive will NOT be one of them!!!

Honest Blog award

2009-04-17T16:01:00.008+01:00

So apparently Mjay has tagged me with this award.

According to her blog

“This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.”

I'm honored... I really am!

Hey wasn't FaceBook doing something like this a while back with the 25 things?

And now I get to bare my soul in all honesty. I don't know... people like asking me for my honest opinion. My experience shows that honesty is usually well received when tempered with a heavy doze of sensitivity and tact. I was not blessed with these qualities when God was handing out personalities, so I tend to upset a lot of people. They never ask me twice....

So here goes - BRACE YOURSELVES!!

I think I’m an interesting and exciting person– a sentiment, I am appalled to say, that is not shared by the rest of the world.
The question that I’ve been obsessed with ever since I was little is “Does God exist?” Sometimes it feels like I am living in the story of ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’ – pretending with the rest of the religious crowd that God exists when really he may not. I guess you could call me a Christian biased agnostic.
My deepest wish is to die young. Not a horrific death – more like a slipping quietly away in a ‘she-felt-no-pain’ kind of way (how would they know?)
And then after I’ve died if I discover that God does exist (gulp), and I am to be excluded from heaven due to my miniscule and sometimes lack of ‘faith’ while I was alive (dem are de rules), that he would just snuff me out of existence rather than send me to hell
Every year I develop a crush on an ‘unavailable’ man- which renders me emotionally unavailable to men who are available. Weird eh?
I get very excited about people I like (male or female) – to the point of stalking. I want to hangout and correspond with them all the time. It’s very embarrassing for them and for me
I used to think I only liked reading sci-fi or fantasy genre, but have now discovered that I enjoy reading anything witty, funny or humorous – whatever genre, whatever medium (books, magazines, blogs)- that’s good for me.
I consider myself a social misfit and gravitate towards other social misfits - usually those who are more at odds with society than I am – so that I seem normal by comparison.
I’m not comfortable around kids, although on very rare occasions, I will warm to a kid – but this is VERY rare.
People who know me say I’m too honest. What they don’t know is that I keep a lid on a lot of stuff– so not all that honest (why exactly did Mjay tag me?)

If you unfortunately happen to be tagged, here are the instructions: -

1) You must brag about the award - Check!

2) You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger: Mjay

3) You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

4) Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog.

There are links to all the brilliant blogs, on the right hand side. Mjay is the only one who would play along and she tagged me. So in keeping with my commitment to remain 'different', I bestow this award on all 'Blogs that I read', but they will remain UNTAGGED!

5) List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on! - Check!!

Easter - Part 2

2009-04-16T18:01:00.004+01:00

On the Monday, I met up with an old neighbour, from 20 + years ago, for a coffee. He's taller (6' 5"), but the eyes are still the same.
We filled each other in on what had been happening with other members of the family - a lot can happen in 20 years and had an altogether pleasant afternoon. I dragged him to the National Gallery - which I have never been to -despite having lived in London for over 10 years and entrance into Gallery is free (no excuse really). My friend helpfully pointed out which paintings were by famous painters. I recognised a couple of them.
Then there was the highlight of my evening!

I've never been to the opera. It has a reputation of being boring, pretentious, appreciated only by classical musicians. I've heard snatches of opera on TV, and once in church, and not been too terribly impressed by the warbling and vibratto. I don't understand half of what they are singing, even if it is sung in a language I understand. But the reason I've never been to the opera boils down to… cost. Opera tickets normally cost about £160+ each for decent seats, and I'm not that keen on making an expensive mistake, if youknarrmean!
It came as a bit of a surprise when my friend Beth (from the previous day) invited me to go along with her to the Royal Opera House to see the Italian opera by Giuseppe Verdi called 'Il Trovatore' (The Troubadour). She had somehow secured cheap seat tickets to the opera of £6 each.

"Wanna come?"
"At £6, hell yeah!"

Never mind that we'd be lucky to even see the stage.
Now for the benefit of the uninformed, I defer to Terry Pratchett's superior definition of opera in his book, Maskerade

… Well basically there are two sorts of opera, ' said Nanny, who also had the true witches ability to be confidently expert on the basis of no experience whatsoever. " There's your heavy opera, where basically people sing foreign and it goes like, "Oh oh oh, I am dyin', oh, I am dyin', oh, oh, oh, that's what I'm doin" ', and then there's your light opera, where they sing in foreign and it basically goes " Beer! Beer! Beer! I like to drink lots of beer!", although sometimes they drink champagne instead. That's basically all of opera, reely.'
'What? Either dyin' or drinkin' beer?'
'Basically, yes,' said Nanny, contriving to suggest that this was the whole gamut of human experience,
"And that's opera?'
'We-ll… there might be some other stuff. But mostly it's stout or stabbin'.'

'Il Trovatore' is in the heavy category. The singing was powerful, but I couldn't help but notice that the actors (sorry… singers) were a bit wooden. Their voices were poweful and full of passion, but they just stood there looking at the person who was singing! In fact my favourite scene, is when the lead tenor sings a song to fire up his motley rebels to defend his town from the evil Count.

Yeah, Now that's what I'm talking about

The other songs were a bit mushy. Sung in Italian, but there were English surtitles (like subtitles only these appear on a screen above the stage) for the benefit of those who can't be bothered to learn another language. Saying that, the only line I understood was... "Il suo fratello" (it was your brother!) in the 'twist' at the end which we'd seen coming for at least a couple of hours! Roll eyes!

Okay so maybe Il Trovatore was not the best choice for a first time opera, but now, I'm interested in opera. Especially after I told M about it the next evening, and he became animated! M studied Music at the Royal College of Music, so he's in the lot who would appreciate opera. He told me that perhaps I should watch a comedy like 'The Marriage of Figaro' (so that would be a light opera? ... See... I'm practically an expert now), and that we should go together to see it.

Now that's what I'm talking about!

What I did over Easter- part 1

2009-04-15T18:34:00.009+01:00

A couple of weeks ago, I suggested to my friend Freddie that on Easter Sunday it would be great to drive out to the countryside (in his nice new car) and go hiking. Shortly after we’d made the plans, I realised that I don’t have any hiking gear. I couldn’t call and cancel on Freddie, because well... it was MY idea in the first place; he’d been so enthusiastic about it and had already started planning the trip. He also invited his mom, Inga, who is visiting from Sweden to join us – and she was excited. Then I just had to go mention it to my friend Beth who asked if she could tag along…

Well… just couldn’t disappoint all those people!

So when on the News the weather girl announced with a smile that it would be a cold wet windy Easter weekend, I could have kissed my TV screen in delight. Freddie sent a text amending the plans to pub lunch, safari drive in Longleat and maybe Bath- no hiking! I was ecstatic and I’m pretty sure at some point shouted Halleluiah!

Sunday dawned, and off we drove towards Somerset. We stopped off and had a look around Old Sarum, where you can find the ruins of a palace built by William the Conqueror in 1069. This is an aerial view of Old Sarum

We’d planned to stop at Stonehenge, but because of traffic we were running late for our booked pub lunch. Freddie even had to phone them using his car phone to push reservation back by an hour. He dialled the number on the dashboard and then the speakers of the car started ringing - like a wireless phone- I was suitably impressed!

Now I like hanging out with Freddie but here’s the thing. He earns bucket loads of money – compared to me at least, and he assumes that every one has the same amount of disposable income. He’d booked lunch in a nice but expensive pub, the Bath Arms in Longleat at £25 per head! That’s 2 weeks of my grocery allowance!!! I’d withdrawn £20 that morning with the intention of using £10, so suddenly lunch didn’t seem like a good prospect any more. The cheaper option was £19.50 and Beth who is just as poor as me, was studiously avoiding my gaze. Freddie is my friend, but not THAT good a friend, so couldn’t borrow money off him. To cut a long story short, I took the cheaper option. Groceries? What groceries?! The portion sizes were large, and I'm sure must have tasted good, but lunch left a somewhat bitter taste in my mouth, washed down by tap water (the only free thing on the menu)

We took stroll around the Longleat grounds. This place was owned by an eccentric guy called Lord Bath, who in the 1970’s brought over exotic animals which included 50 lions (poor things). It also has giraffe’s, monkeys, flamingos etc. This was one of the first places outside Africa where you can go on a safari drive at a price of £30.80 per adult. I deflected Freddie’s enthusiastic cries of ‘Let’s go on safari!’, and this time I was successful. We ended up doing the free stuff – like touring the gardens around the house, and looking at Lord Bath’s collection of Nazi memorabilia… yeah I know… weird. The guy was a bloody Nazi sympathiser!

We drove back to London, exhausted but happy! (okay… me silently berating myself because of my pride. I should have spoken up about how expensive it was). Our only regret is that we didn’t have time to go to Bath. Freddie suggested a weekend trip later on this year, including an overnight stay. A good idea, but Beth and I privately agreed that while Freddie and his mom, stay in some swanky boutique hotel, we’ll look for a good cheap youth hostel and bring packed lunch along too.

And then it was Good Friday

2009-04-14T17:45:00.011+01:00

I took the week off before Easter just to RELAX! I was PMS’d, so was pretty much irritable at everything and everybody. Best to be left alone...

I went down to the library and the (probably new) librarian mentioned as I was checking out my books that they were due back in 3 weeks time. I bit back the sarcastic remark that sprung up “You mean it’s changed from what it was in the last 10 years?” How was the man to know that this was only half of what I usually borrow, and that I was on leave, so was going to use the time to read! Wise-acre!!
By Thursday my mood had somewhat improved as I discovered that if I played karaoke instrumental videos on Youtube, I could make a video of myself singing using the 'I-Movie' application on my MacBook AT THE SAME TIME!!!
This was AMAZING! 1 hour, 2 hours before I knew it, it was midnight. Ballads suit me best (sadly songs by Pussy cat dolls don’t... although I made a video of me lip-syncing and dancing to 'Sway' ;-P)

On Friday, my fabulous neighbours, gave me a lift to St B's for the Good Friday Service. It was such a beautiful service – I blubbed most of the time. In my opinion this is the best service we have at St B’s because it gives room to express the artistic creativity within the Church. The seats were arranged in a circle. We started the service with 30-minute time of reflection watching a themed photographic slideshow put together by one of the Church members- classical music playing in the background. Someone had also written a poem that was handed out. The choir then sung a few songs beautifully in 4 part harmonies. This was followed by readings and actors doing dramatic monologues, Peter first, and then Pontius Pilate. Solos were sung! M sung a Gregorian chant in his lovely bass!!! The drummers did a presentation using tom tom drums placed all over the church. And while we were receiving communion, the tech team played this video!

SOOO beautiful.

During the service, as I reflected on the true nature of love – Jesus example of self sacrifice -laying down one’s life for the sake of others, the nature of my desire for M was laid bare. I realised that I had been motivated by selfishness. Focusing on myself and what I wanted, and how he would fill my needs and being frustrated because I was not getting my way. I made the decision to LET GO. Yes, I am occasionally dogged by thoughts of him, but not with the same intensity as before.
This put me in the right frame of mind for the rest of the weekend.....

Non - Practicing

2009-04-09T12:34:00.005+01:00

'...I'm non-practising when it comes to a lot of things actually. I'm a non-practising exerciser, a non-practising inventor, a non-practising genius. When I was younger, I was a non-practising child prodigy. The brilliance of the non-practising adjective impressed me from the moment I first came across it. It allowed me to declare oneself something and then never have to actually back it up, since that would be against one's beliefs. I am this, but I choose not to demonstrate it, so you'll just have to take my word for it. Genius. Like me. Non-practising...'

Quote taken from short story 'Stray' by Kristin Gore in 'Ladies Night' (HarperCollins Publishers 2005)

It's a small world after all...

2009-04-08T16:20:00.011+01:00

The other day as I was browsing http://www.meetup.com, I signed up for a local Book Club that meets one Sunday every month. I scrolled through the list of current members and my eyes almost popped out of my head when I saw a name that I recognised!

First reaction was "No... it can't be!"

Especially as I haven't seen said person in 20 years, and the most vivid memory I have of him is that he was always crying being the object of much bullying from his and my older brothers. Also his family was like 'Different Strokes' in reverse. A Kikuyu dad, a Canadian mom with her 2 teenage sons from a previous relationship and an adopted Kikuyu daughter.

On the spur of the moment, I send him an email asking if indeed it is he. Did he ever live in Nairobi on this road, and does he have an older brother and younger sister?

He comes back with a suspicious, 'Yes, it's me. Who is this?'

Not an encouraging start given that we were neighbours. I reply with an email detailing a few remembered facts from our childhood and end with a 'Well can't expect you to remember. After all it was 20 years ago. What a small world. Have a nice life'...

Ok didn't really say it on those exact words, but that was the tone of my email. U-narr-mean? I didn't want him to think I was a stalker or anything

The next day as I was Skyping with my sister, I started with

"You'll never guess who I came across the other day in London, neighbours in Nairobi..."

"Who?"

I tell her the family name. Blank.

"I don't remember them. Were those the Tanzanians?"

I give her pretty much the same details as I gave him. (gosh am I the only one who remembers things?) After constant interruptions of "But weren't those the Tanzanians" and naming all the other families who lived nearby, she finally says "Ask him about his mom's sesame seed cookies, the ones that used to melt in your mouth"

Well I don't remember those.... perhaps the Tanzanian's made those?

So we've been emailing each other back and forth. Stuff like when we came to England, what we are doing here, what happened after we left Nairobi etc. In today's email he's asked what I'm doing for Easter and if I'm free would I like to meet up to 'exchange tales of long lost times...'

Yes, you saw that right, there was the 'dot dot dot' at the end of the sentence. Now why would he put a '...' there? Why can't it just be a normal full stop or question mark?

What if it all goes horribly wrong. I mean the guy couldn't even remember me. What if there isn't anything to talk about beyond the emails we've been sending each other? Plus I'm not sure I want to meet any more new people, especially guys (even though technically he isn't new people). I never have anything to say to them anyway

I guess what I'm trying to say is 'What if he doesn't like me?'

If only he'd just put a plain full stop or question mark, I would not be in such a panic!

Darn it!

Cute bride

2009-04-03T00:25:00.005+01:00

Nope, I'm not married yet

Took this photo on the Brides of March day (14 March 2009) as in 'Ides of March'... you get it?

A group of about 20 of us (male and female) dressed up as brides and went walking around Central London. It was a lot of fun!!

Secrets...

2009-04-01T16:30:00.007+01:00

Recently, M has been blowing ‘warm’ as opposed to the distressing ‘cold shoulder’ treatment of the other day. On Sunday he asked if the dinner invite I’d extended to his family was on condition that his whole family would be there (His mom and dad couldn’t make the proposed date)

“N…n…no, of course not...” I stammered, studiously avoiding eye contact with friend Fiona, hoping that M had not noticed the sharp elbow jab she’d just delivered to my side. “You’re more than welcome to come. In fact I’d love for you to come”

Then, I thought… Hmm I can’t have M all alone in my flat, because he'd think it's a romantic gesture... scare off the poor dude...can't have that...

So later on I invited my tech team chief and his wife to join us
“Is it just the two of us?”

“No, I’ve invited M as well”

“Hmm, there’s been a lot of talk about ‘M’ from you”

Silence

“Oh ho…!”

“There’s nothing to tell really! M regards me as his sister. I don’t regard him in quite the same way. And that’s all there is to it”

“So, you’ll be using us as chaperones”

“No, I won’t! I just want to have you guys over for dinner. That’s all!”

Kim. You liar

Pay slip came today...

2009-03-30T22:36:00.011+01:00

... I worked out how much I'd have left over after I'd paid the bills.
Not a lot.
As I gnawed my pen anxiously, the words I spoke at last nights' Baptism service returned to mock me,
Do you believe and trust in God the Father, source of all being and life, the one for whom we exist?
I believe and trust in him
I could choose to walk around with a long face, in hopeless despair -a victim - even though I am responsible for this, relying on the false security of credit cards... a foolish thing to do in today's recession.
If only I'd lived within my means...
But what's done is done!
All this pre-occupation with 'M' seems so stupid now.

Need focusses us.

As I always say, it would be nice if the Christian life came with a guarantee that we would not experience pain, hurt, rejection, sickness, need... but I believe God would be an irresponsible parent if he insulated us from these things. Why do we expend so much energy running away from 'bad things'? So much so that we fail to see the other side of the coin. That 'bad things' can also act as a catalyst for change, an opportunity for growth... Isn't 'necessity the mother of all invention'??
My need is forcing me to confront the deep questions I've been avoiding like,
"Is my Christian walk merely lip service? Do I really believe and trust God to look after my best interests?"

So I choose to embrace this opportunity. In a weird way, I am looking forward to this coming year with excitement.
Perhaps I will experience my own personal manna, quail and water-from-rock incidents. (I've been listening to Exodus)

Jesus did say,
So don't worry about these things, saying "What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear? These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously and he will give you everything you need
So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today (Matthew 6: 31 - 34 NLT)

AMEN

2009-03-23T17:04:00.001Z

Conversation skills

2009-03-20T18:01:00.009Z

I've been reading a book by Leil Lowndes called 'How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks For Big Success In Relationships'

I particularly need it because even though I can start conversations, for some reason I can't seem to sustain them. I guess due to my legal training, I have a tendency to ask 'closed' questions a.k.a. cross examination style. But even when I make an effort to ask 'open' questions and really listen to the answers, the conversation still fall flat. I end up desperately filling the gaps with something 'interesting' about myself. When their eyes start to glaze over, I realise... oops... I've lost them!!

It's ok when I talk to naturally talkative people - no problem there. It just feels like everyone else is hard work.

The book gives little tips that I have started to put into practice. For example, there was a chapter on 'parrotting' - repeating the last thing a person said. I didn't think it could work until I tried it out on someone who traditionally isn't very forthcoming in his conversation

Me: "What did you do last weekend?"

Him; "Last SaturdayI went to the gym."

I parrotted, "The gym?"

Him: "Yeah, the gym. I like to go for about an hour, do a bit of cardio and then weights"

Me (thinking, hey this parrotting thing really works, he's never said a sentence that long to me before) "Cardio?"

Him: "Yeah, I run on the treadmill for a bit, then the cross trainer"

Me: "Cross trainer?"

Him: "Yeah the cross trainer, it really gets my heart going..."

Okay don't over use the 'parrotting' thing because it gets tideous after a while, but it really does work. There are other communication techniques in the book, but can't reproduce them all here or I'll be accused of breaching copyright.

Good conversation skills, like all things, have to be worked at. My new team is male dominated, so conversation topics revolve around football, rugby and geeky stuff - something I don't know much of. The few women talk about TV soaps and their children. Again, something I don't find terribly interesting. As such I can't really join in, and I am beginning to feel ever so slightly isolated? I could be imagining things, but I would really like to be the kind of person they want to talk to, invite out to lunch or drinks after work (been here 2 months and not even one invite...)

Lowndes says that even though you don't know much about a topic, you can still have a conversation about it. You don't have to be an expert in the field, but just know enough to ask the right questions and understand the jargon. To do this, she suggests that when you buy a newspaper, don't go straight to the section that you like (for me it's 'The Ridiculant, Travel section, Cartoon strip and Sudoku in Metro). Instead read something that you wouldn't normally read (that would be the Sports section) for a few weeks. I've tried this for the last week. It's really difficult. Who are these people? In football there is the Premier League, Champions League, UEFA cup. How do you keep up with all these games, and the names of the teams and it's members? And then keeping up with rugby and cricket?? Ai yai yai! It's just so boring!!! So and so kicked the ball, and so and so got sent off the field! Oh yeah.. REALLY INTERESTING! (note the sarcasm here)

But, if this is going to help me fit in to the team, I'll go for it! At least for another few weeks.

Next I'll have to start reading TV Soap magazine so that I can at least know the names of the characters in the soaps.

Pets vs children

2009-03-17T19:49:00.004Z

I saw this the other day on Facebook and it made me chuckle! So I decided to send it to my friend Emily who is the only friend I can think of who would appreciate the humour. She found it hilarious, although commented

'... the only problem with pets u need to sort them out before you go on holiday!!!'

Rich and crying about it??

2009-03-15T23:16:00.016Z

Okay, I don't really know what set off the tears during the sermon at church this morning.

It was based on James 5: 1-6, about RICH people. The preacher spent a lot of time defining what 'rich' meant in today's context, and came to the conclusion that compared to those poor sods in Africa, everyone in St B's that morning was rich.

Did you know that according to the Global rich list, I am the 56,418,582nd richest person in the world.

I'm in the top 1%!

You want to know what your position is on the rich list? Check out, http://www.globalrichlist.com

But I digress, this blog is not about how rich I am.

The point is, I started crying and I just don't know why! Having grown up in a middle class estate, which was bordered by a squalor/slum, I do not doubt just how rich I am. Man, those people were so poor, it makes the homeless in London seem rich by comparison. I guess you'd say I'm pretty numb to poverty, in the way that most of us of these days are numb to violence. When you are exposed to too much of anything, you begin to accept it as normal. Those videos of kids with big eyes, flies buzzing around their snot nosed faces?? Yep, you know what I'm talking about... don't move me at all. So that can't have been the reason for me crying

What makes it so puzzling is that things were going great this morning. A few issues on the sound desk which I sorted out successfully. 'M's dad gave me a big hug when he came in to church first thing this morning. And then his mom came up to me THREE separate times just to say that she loved me! "I just want to tell you that"

They are just great.

Then M ignored me, and that added to the moroseness. Does he know? Does he suspect that I like him? Is he avoiding me?

After service, I ran out of the church and WALKED about 3 miles to Southgate! Crying all the way there - deep wracking sobs which drew strange looks from fellow pedestrians. The devil rode on my shoulder, filling my mind with depressive thoughts. I thought I would never have to deal with these again but they have a funny way of reappearing when I'm feeling vulnerable. Finally, feet aching, I popped into ASDA and bought myself some chocolate and suddenly the world seemed a better place.

See? This is what I DON'T want to happen!

F*ck men!

Time to start rebuilding those walls!! (sigh)

Just a thought

2009-03-09T15:24:00.004Z

One of my ‘hell bound heathen’ (her words not mine…hopefully one day we’ll change that around) friends recounted an experience she had in church. Her parents had forced her to attend the Christmas service. The preacher must have preached from Isaiah 11:6 where it says: -

In that day the wolf and the lamb will live together; the leopard will lie down with the baby goat. The calf and the yearling will be safe with the lion, and a little child will lead them all (NLT

This started off a train of thoughts which distracted her from the rest of the sermon. You mean these carnivorous animals won’t do what carnivorous animals do – which is hunt, kill and eat meat??... Especially when said meat is lying so trustfully within paws reach?? What kind of heaven would that be for them?

What about us? I mean, I do like a bit of meat - lamb being one of my favourites. Will I be forced to go vegetarian? Or worse still... eat meat substitute?

Or am I just missing the whole point of the verse?

Deceitful heart

2009-03-05T15:31:00.004Z

Just as I was feeling a bit smug about mastering this whole ‘singleness’ thing, M has somehow wormed his way into my affections.
He isn’t really my ‘type’. Physically he is tall and skinny; is too quiet, is 7 years younger and at the moment doesn’t even know what he wants to do with his life!

("What? He is still finding himself??? Forget it!” my friend Emily advised)

But there’s something about him.
I remember the first time we talked. I was hovering around after the 11.30 am church service, wanting to talk to anybody, and not knowing where or how to start. There are lots of little cliques at church. My age group (early 30’s) who attend this service usually rush off home with their families for Sunday lunch etc. The cliques are mainly in their early 20’s, have grown up together and really don’t have time or anything in common with an old foggy like me. To my surprise he came up to me and instead of engaging in a discussion about tech or worship team we actually had a normal conversation. This made an impression. I’ve seen him doing this with other people at parties, church, so no – it was nothing special.

Our friendship has grown over the course of the year. As I said, he is pretty quiet and does not volunteer much info, which is quite frustrating because I prefer to be the quiet one. I love the sound of his voice. He’s beginning to relax around me; the range of conversation topics has expanded. He’s telling jokes, even teases me a bit. I’m also finding out fun things that he does in his non- church time. You know what they say about the ‘quiet ones?’

I must admit that part of my attraction to M, stems from the profound respect I have for his parents. They often give me lifts home and invite me over to their home for meals. His father in particular is such a positive, role model as a Christian father and husband. I’ve always assumed that children learn character and relational values from their parents. And so the logical conclusion is that M would somehow be similar to his dad?

He is also from dwindling pool of ‘available’ guys at church

M is quite secure in the knowledge that he rates higher than the average guy in my affections. Despite my efforts not to come across that way, he probably views me as an older sister. I’m deliberately not reading anything into his behaviour, although there is a strong temptation to do so. Having been around men, I know how irritating and bewildering it can be for them when a woman reads more into their actions than they intended! We women just have this tendency to do so. In fact, Solomon warns in chapter 2:7 and again in chapter 8:4 of his famous book, Song of Songs,
Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases

It’s so easy to feed the crushes, build up little fantasies in our mind, falling in love with the idea of love itself.

I will shush my heart and put to death the awakening desires of this deceitful heart!

Discipline

2009-03-04T12:13:00.005Z

When my trousers wouldn’t zip up this morning - I finally accepted that I needed to stop living in denial! At the rate that I am consuming alcohol and carby foods (I am NOT really into fruits and vegetables at this time of the year). I don’t know why I assumed that 30 minutes swimming just 3 times a week was sufficient exercise. Self deception! Or as the Italians say "Roba da matti!" (Sheer Madness!!!) .
I need discipline!

I've been re-reading ‘A Road Less Travelled’ by the late American psychiatrist, S. Peck.
In the first section of this book, he talks a lot about discipline as the basis for spiritual, emotional and psychological growth and development. This is expressed in the forms of delayed gratification, accepting responsibility for oneself and ones actions, a dedication to truth, and balancing. Reading this made me realise that this quality is sadly lacking in my life. I would love to wave a magic wand over my life and get INSTANT discipline. In fact, I prefer this 'magic wand approach. In Galations 5:22 - 23, self-discipline or self control is listed as one of the fruits of the Spirit - Fruit is automatically produced, innit?
Perhaps I've got my theology wrong.

In real life qualities like discipline are like muscles - the more you exercise them, the stronger they will grow.

In his book, Peck uses brushing teeth every day as an example. As a child it took a lot of coaxing, cajoling, even threats from my parents to get me into the habit. Now I do it effortlessly, without thinking, and I have reaped the benefits of having fresh breath and a dazzling smile.

The process of discipline involves some effort on our part, a willingness to embrace some degree of suffering - not to avoid it.

As we are now in the season of Lent, the focus in church has now shifted to the discipline of fasting. Perhaps this is a good way to kickstart exercising our 'discipline-muscle'. The benefits of stronger discipline would spill over into every areas of our lives- bible reading, praying, loving people.
A note of caution however, there is a danger of exercising discipline unlovingly, selfishly. All that we do must be in the context of love of God and of others, otherwise we would only create monsters of ourselves. We also, must recognise that sometimes we will fail, and the important thing is to learn lessons from that failure and try again!

Rubbing Shoulders....

2009-03-02T13:05:00.003Z

There are very few of us ‘Blacks’ who volunteer at Crisis Christmas so you can’t help but notice each other. However, he was more than just your average black guy. Despite dressing down, he couldn’t hide that refined look and an air of authority about him. As most Crisis volunteers work in pairs; I tried to wrangle my way into working with him, but my efforts were frustrated as others beat me to the punch. Throughout the day, I looked for opportunities to sidle up to him while we mucked out and went about our general volunteer duties. In the end I gave up and went into the common room to mingle with the guests

So it was to my extreme pleasure, that he joined my table. The guests were called away to do something, which left just the two of us. His name was Trev. He asked why I was volunteering. Because I had empathy with the homeless, having experienced it when I first came to London 10 years ago. What about you? “I’ve always wanted to come but have been really busy. I finally got the opportunity to do so this year”
On hindsight, I realise that he didn’t really say a lot about himself, apart from the fact that he travelled a lot for work, spoke French and played the saxophone – general stuff. I only understood why he was not so forthcoming when reading the newspaper a few weeks later I learnt who he really was...

Trevor Philips – Chair of the Commission for Racial Equality

Beth and me

2009-02-27T22:31:00.001Z

Reaching out to the homeless

2009-02-27T14:11:00.003Z

I have a friend called David. A few months ago he broke up with his wife and wound up homeless. He was also an alcoholic - a stinking drunk tramp. One day he came across our ‘Healing on the Streets’ team that goes out every Saturday to the North Finchley High Road to offer prayer for healing. I don’t know who he spoke to on that day, but all I know, he handed over his life to Christ and started coming to St B’s. I met him in his first week at church. Someone had given him a bible and he was utterly fascinated by what he was reading – especially the Jewish practices outlined in the first 5 books of the Old Testament “Sounds pretty pagan to me!”
He gave up the alcohol, and this Valentines Day we calculated that he had been ‘dry’ for just over 12 weeks. He’s moved in with my friend Julian, another church member. The other day, I dropped in to see him and noted that his room was very tidy!
“Unlike my room, which is a bit of a tip…”
He responded
“When you’ve been in a tip, you appreciate any space you’ve got”

I certainly have a better appreciation of my life

Dave’s story is not dissimilar to Josef’s. Josef came to St B’s, also moved in with Julian. Barnet Council found him a flat – I remember going on that first day to celebrate. He had tears of joy running down his face. Things were looking up for him and his life was finally getting back on track. However, just after Christmas, he descended into depression and started on the booze, things just spiralled downwards from there. Ann Marie, Julian and Dave stayed with him when he was in hospital, and afterwards checked on him at home. A couple of weeks ago he was found in his new flat – dead! Possibly from the dangerous cocktail of booze and anti-depressants- accidental or maybe even suicide

It all just seems so…. Unfair!
Why didn’t God look after Josef better?
Why did Josef give up on life just at the point when it was beginning to turn around?

There’s a new wave of homeless guys coming to church now- Steve, Lisa, Lisa with a hat, Lynn. Julian has organised a group to specifically pray for them on Monday evenings. We need God’s wisdom and direction on this. On Thursdays, Milly who owns a café on the High Road has kindly offered to give the guys a hot meal and a place to come in out of the cold for a couple of hours. These are only temporary measures though… I’d like to see the guys permanently off the streets and living whole lives.

While we were praying on Monday, I remembered the bible verses in Luke 14: 27 - 33 about counting the cost of being a disciple. The fact is, if we do take on this role of reaching out to the homeless, we will be acting like bridges –a link for these desperate, vulnerable people to get to God, wholeness, a better life, restoration etc.

Bridges are only useful when people walk on them. I shared this with the group and their interpretation- pretty obvious – is that it’s going to be messy and dirty business.
Bring it on?
Safe, cautious me? Am I willing to pay the price... to go through the pain of losing another ‘Josef’ or live constantly in fear of it happening?
I’m worried about Dave now. I’ve noticed that he’s smoking a lot more recently. Perhaps he smoked just as much before and I never noticed.
I don’t know what to do

Life's little surprises...

2009-02-20T15:04:00.006Z

I've been looking forward to March.

Ever since I splashed out (unwisely) on a MacBook for Christmas, things financially have been a bit tight. My old job, docked 7 and a half days of pay because after the annual leave adjustment, it looked like they'd overpaid me, so I got paid less in February. This was made worse by increased travel expenses and having to buy a new wardrobe for the new job. One thing after another

So March was for me, the month when everything would stabilise. I get paid my new salary which means that my disposable income is probably increasing by about £200; there's a brief respite from council tax this month - an extra £150; most of my debt is on 0% interest credit cards, allowing me to spread the repayments evenly over a 10 month period; I'm expecting pay arrears going back to June 2008 from my old job, which I was planning on sending to Uganda to kick off construction of my property there. Heck, there'd even be enough to take a cruise to Oslo in early May...

All that has changed now as Yati announced that she is moving out on the 1 March.

Ok - not really a surprise (her moving out), but hadn't reckoned on it happening so soon and with only 2 weeks notice. My flat is almost completely furnished by her and so naturally she is taking all her stuff- sofa, bedroom furniture, in the kitchen most of the pots, glasses, plates, bowls, the iron...

There's a lesson here for me. It is going to be decidedly rough but with God's help I will ride the storm. There are people in worse situations. I guess I'll have to risk assess other areas in my life and not be caught out by the unexpected. I suppose you can't plan for every eventuality, but I should have seen this coming ages ago

You live and learn!

When it starts getting Same-ish...

2009-02-07T23:39:00.003Z

... then it's time to pull out and move on to other things

Just got back from watching a Panto (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs) that a colleague, Julia, wrote, produced and directed. A Pantomime is a traditional British Christmas show for children, usually based on nursery tales and featuring stock characters in costume who sing, dance and perform skits (www.freedictionary.com)

It's all quite fun. When the nasty queen announces her evil plan, the crowd hisses and boos. When good triumphs over evil- the audience cheers.

There's the standard

Character - "Oh no you don't"

Audience: "OH YES YOU DO"

Character "Oh no you don't"

Audience "OH YES YOU DO

With other variations such as "Oh no you can't", "Oh no you won't"

When one of the characters tells a sob story, the audience empathise with an "Awwww" . The character capitalises on this by gesturing to the audience to say an even louder "AWWW"

Then when the lead character states that they are scared of spiders and bears and asks the audience to helpfully warn them if they see anything like that; said spider/bear only appears when the character's back is turned. The audience goes wild and point frantically "There, it's behind you", by the time the character turns around the spider/bear has 'disappeared'

Us Brits love innuendo - which flies over the kids heads, but gets all the adults chuckling. For example in this panto, they did go on about the size of the Woodcutter's 'chopper'

I really admire people like Julia who do things like that. She's putting her talents of writing, directing and playing music to good use. I'm getting bored with all the 'partying' - it's become same'ish for me. The same music, same crowd. The Valentines, Swinging Sixties party is next week, and after that I'm calling it quits - for at least a couple of months.

Inspired by Julia, I'm going to revive guitar playing and my singing, put a band together to perform an acoustic gig at Crisis Open Christmas. It's 10 months away, so it can be done. I've done a solo performance which went down a treat the last time. I can still do it on my own again, but I think I'll need more people to make it more interesting. I'm hoping to persuade Mike, who is a gifted bass player and singer to join up. I'll need a percussionist, a soprano, and an alto. Perhaps another guitarist.

Yeah that should be different

Digital Cathedral presents...

2009-02-02T17:41:00.014Z

We Digital Cathedral (DC) folks finally presented our Epiphany event that we started preparing for a while back I don't know why I got asked onto the team aside from the fact that I really love clubbing and dance music. Also Katie - the 18 - 30's youth pastor must have noticed me looking bored during church services which I find rather dull with their Indie type 'contemporary Christian' songs. I tend to slip in at the end of sung worship - listen to the sermon - and then away.

The best thing about being on the DC team were monthly 'planning' meetings - brunch at James' pad, praying together, mucking about on his audio/visual equipment and researching other alternative worship events.

Rex, the vicar of St Alban's church in Golders Green (and James' boss) kindly let us use the church for the event. It's a great venue - lovely, old features -stained glass windows, statues of religious figures and all. I just love it.

Katie appointed me 'Creative Director' (CD) because " You are a techie, so you know the stuff!"

It's hard to describe what a CD does! Decorate the venue? My brother who is a part time DJ, said he would lend me his 4 disco lights, but as time drew nearer, and my reminders were met with responses like,

"Don't worry about it, I'll sort you out. When's the thing again?"

"Like I've told you gazillion times before, including the beginning of this conversation, and the beginning and end of the one we had yesterday, IT'S ON THE 31'st!!"

I had to come up with Plan B - Enter DH!

I love DH... I truly do! He means well - but he could do with some help with his interpersonal skills. He just seems to piss off everyone he works with - and he DOES kind of takeover which I find quite annoying. BUT we needed him as he was the source of all necessary (free) equipment for the event i.e. data projector, disco lights with gels, drapes, extra cables - in short... everything. He insisted on coming down to the venue to visualise it and see what equipment we'd need, then him and James went into 'techie speak' and completely lost me. Okay yeah I am a techie, but I don't know names of things - that grey button turns up the volume in that black speaker, and when the red light flashes it means the speaker is going to blow, unless I turn down the red button. I rolled my eyes at DH's girlfriend, who'd tagged along for support. There was a pause in the men's conversation,

"Umm sorry Kim, we don't mean to take over here - after all you are the Creative Director. What would you like us to do?"

"Just carry on! Don't mind me. After all YOU are the experts" *you f@%king bastards*

To cut a long story short, my role ended up being the 'Muscle' , i.e. help setting up and taking down the rig. I don't mean to discount the guys - DH had some really good ideas which we used and the church looked like thisPeople walked through the canopy to get to the stage - like the High Priests would have done in the Old Testament Tabernacle and going into the Holy of Holies (DH's idea)

The event itself was a blast for us, the DC team. James and Katie had invited church folk who didn't show up. No surprises there... they just don't get dance music.

My crew - Stuart & Mikey came! Some newbies to church came as well. One of them was so bowled over about clubbing in church that she gave an appreciation speech at the end. It was well... a bit... awkward"

It felt a bit like a private party.

Nigel the DJ had prepared really good set, including that Blaze track featuring Barbara Tucker - Most Precious Love. Matti prepared a visual presentation based on the themes of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh (Epiphany commemorates the 3 wise men presenting their gifts to Jesus). James and Katie had composed a couple of dance tracks, which she sung to (she's got an amazing voice)

Did I connect with God? Hard to tell. I know I had a good time. I'd been feeling like a waste of space - what have I really contributed to this event - but a bible verse came into mind- about all of us Christians having different gifts but it is the same Spirit that gives them.(It's in 1 Corinthians 12)

Some gifts may be more noticeable than others i.e. Katie, Matti and Nigels gifts, but my 'invisible' gifts of behind the scenes service and of encouragement are just as important - probably not in the world or church's eyes, but definitely before God. So I was happy with that.

Crazy!!!

2009-01-29T07:10:00.002Z

My life is just crazy!

I knew I was busy - but not that BUSY!!! Work, Church, college, socialising! Okay really I should stop moaning. There was a time when I did nothing, and was so bored! A friend has latched on to me because apparently I have a 'social' life and she needs to remedy the lack in hers. My advise to her, build in a lot of 'me' time into your calendar.

I've not had a minute to myself. And looking at my calendar... there is no free evening or weekend in the next 4 weeks!

Okay got to dash to work now.

One hell of a commute!

2009-01-21T20:51:00.005Z

Started the new job in Westminster on Monday!

Coming from a provincial office, and flung into the heart of Government, to say I am overwhelmed would be a bit of an understatement.

There are security guards everywhere; a special lift for the Secretary of State and Ministers; a subsidised canteen that sells fair trade food and serves healthy meals; a state of the art sports centre with well equipped gym, games hall, scheduled classes e.g. aerobics, kick boxing, tai chi, jazz dancing.

Some things are still the same as in my old job - flexible working patterns which centre around core hours 10 - 12am and 2 - 4pm. Meaning I can get into work anytime before 10.00am.

Everyone is SMART!

In my old job, the dress code was casual smart, and I only had 2 formal tops for the odd meeting with clients. This week I've been wearing the same pair of trousers - hoping no one has noticed... Yesterday I wore a T-shirty type top, but tried to smarten it up with a tailored waist coat. On my way home, I met a friend who on seeing me remarked "Oh so it's casual smart in your new job too" ??? Clearly it didn't work!!! My wardrobe is in need of a major overhaul.Tomorrow, I am wearing 'Monday's' top - now how to make it to look different...

The commute is what's killing me at the moment. TWO hours plus - EACH WAY!!

At the moment I can only afford £13.80 for a weekly bus pass. A travel card which would have let me use the train costs £44. Until I get paid at the end of February, things are looking decidedly grim. Saying that, the journey on the first day was quite pleasant. I left home arrived early, so popped into St Martin-in-the-Fields church on Trafalgar Square for a quick prayer, and then took a leisurely stroll to the office via the Horse Guards Parade where there was a Guards brass band playing music - all in their furry hats. It was too early for the 'Changing of the Guard' which takes place daily at 11.00am, and nothing on the Internet seems to shed any light on it, so I will assume it was in my honour! tee hee

The next day was a reverse. I left home at about the same time as the day before. About a fifth way into the journey, the bus slowed to a crawl. There was a massive traffic jam in front of us. The bus driver announced that the jam was not going to ease up and advised us to find an alternative route - i.e. use the train! Unplanned spending! £3.70! Got to the train, and the words, 'packed in like sardines', 'pack animals' will give you a mental image of what it was like! It was awful! I got into work after 9.30, completely flustered! Had to keep chanting to myself "Today is going to be a GOOD day!"

So I need to leave home a bit earlier - probably around 6.30am. I've been waking up at 6.00am, but it takes me an hour to get ready. So will have to change that to 5.30am if I stand a chance of getting into work by 9.00am!

The good thing about the commute though is that I have enough time to read! So will enrich my mind in the process!

Spirit willing... Flesh weak!

2009-01-18T10:36:00.005Z

I've spent hours searching through the Internet for Street Dance classes. These dance schools are NOT serious. One school was charging almost £20 per lesson!!! Now, I've been to a street dance class before, and the most you learn within that 1 and half hours is like 8, maybe 10 steps in a dance routine! That's it! Justify £20 for that!

I've found one that is cheaper, charges £6 per lesson, which is on a pay-as-you-go basis. So if I can't make a class, I won't lose out on the money. There is the option of working towards a performance (which I really liked). And they are based in North London - nearer to my home. I've taken Salsa classes with them before which I enjoyed, so will be interesting to see how they do the Street dance classes. I start in February.

However, my knees, legs have started playing up again. In a bid to get fitter for the classes, I've been doing some power-walking, and my legs afterwards have been in agony. If walking can do that.... then I don't know how I will cope with strenuous dance routines. The pain is not continuous but comes in sharp jolts, that completely immobilise me for about 30 seconds. The more I exert myself, the more regular the occurence. So there's a connection. I've been to the GP, osteopath and even asked people at church to pray for me, but because I've been unable to pinpoint the pain at the time (sod's law) it's been a waste of time.

A part of me is saying "Life's too short, just go dance until you can't anymore"

Another part is saying 'You might make things worse, then you won't be able to even walk anymore"

I remember a woman once told me that she couldn't ride horses anymore because her bones had become too brittle with age and couldn't take it. I felt really sorry for her, because clearly she loved riding. But heck, I'm 33 - so in the prime of my life. If I am to suffer a (little??) pain in my legs as a result of pursuing something I love, then I'll do just that!

Dance

2009-01-12T22:34:00.007Z

As I was watching Step Up 2 tonight, especially those spectacular choreographed sequences at the end, I indulged myself in a little nostalgia

I've always danced! When we were kids my dad used to play records from his Zaire/Lingala music collection and get us to compete. We'd dance our little hearts out to win the 100 shs prize (worth 80p now, but those days it was worth much more)

The first dance video I saw was 'Thriller'. I paused, rewound and played it in slow motion until I'd memorized ALL the moves. Other influences were Five Star, Janet Jackson, Paula Abdul, Bobby Brown, MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice (I'm betraying my age... but...yes I'm an 80's child!!) I LOVED all the dance films like Breakdance 1 & 2, Dirty Dancing, Footloose

Secondary boarding school provided the platform for lots of Ugandan kids to showcase our dancing skills. I took part in all talent shows within and outside school. That whole Step Up stuff, the music, dance crews, that was us!!! So when I got 'saved' as a teenager, it was really tough because as a 'Saved-ee', I was expected to abstain from listening to secular music and going to discos. However, Christian music didn't (and still doesn't really) do it for me. I must confess I sneaked away from time to time - aided and abetted by best friend Eddie who

a) wasn't a Saved-ee

b) thought I was the only person who could party as hard as he could (I was better but....)

Fast forward to Uni...

Joined a band ' Prim and Propa' as backing singer and dancer, befriended all top club DJ's in Kampala and PARTIED hard as you do at University (almost flunked out my first year exams!!!)

In my second year, I joined my church choir, and in a desire to pursue a 'Holy' lifestyle resigned from Prim and Propa and gave up partying. Around this time, my friend Milly created and invited me to join 'The Gospel Dancers' - the name speaks for itself really. We danced at church, and at weddings. Although the music and choreography were heavily censored- this kept me sane until I left Uganda

Being in London, (far away from Kampala where everyone knows your business) somewhat freed me to start listening to chart music again. I was still restricted because I only had Christian friends who, apart from dancing in church, were not really into the clubbing scene. Clubs were generally frowned upon as they were evil places, 'meat' markets, full of drugs, sex

I got my 'dance fix' instead through aerobics, street dance and salsa classes at the local dance studio. But I still missed the bright lights, atmosphere, pulsating bass line....

Then when we got to 30 years, Eddie died.

This has been the most traumatic event and a real turning point for me. It took the loss of a close friend to realise that life is just too short to live by society's expectations. I started doing what I LOVED, like expanding my social circles beyond the Church; backpacking for 3 months, watching Musicals and dancing!

Being a sort of exhibitionist, I naturally want to get back into performance mode. I'm not as fit as I used to be, but if Madonna and Cher can do it, there's nothing to stop me from getting back on form. I've found a way I can do this in church - but this post is getting too long to include that here... plus it's past midnight and I'm sleepy now...so it will have to wait until the next one.

2009

2009-01-05T15:53:00.009Z

My friend Tiago has 15 New Year resolutions.

As I listened to him reel them off over hot chocolate I hoped desperately that he wouldn't ask me the dreaded question, but he did,

"What about you?"

"I haven't made any... I kind of make it up as I go along"

His face registered disappointment... for some reason the kid looks up to me. Good... now he realises that this 'paragon' has feet of clay!

Sounds lame, but really... I don't have any official ANNUAL resolutions. I've made small plans that are not as life altering as his

1) Get costumes for January and February fancy dress parties. February is sorted - sexy swinging sixties mini dress. Now all I need is get one for the Japanese themed Harajuku party on 30 Jan.

2) Pass my Internal Auditor exams which are part of my new job - Yati has warned that I will have to sacrifice my social life (Gasp... cannot begin to even comprehend this...)

3) NOT go on a diet!

4) Attend any free dance classes available- starting with the Samba ones at Guanabara

5) Snog Michael...

I suppose, being a Christian and what not, I really should include a 'Christian' Resolution in the mix. Our first sermon of the year was about the cost of being a Christian and what it means to share in the death of Jesus.

I don't want to be a martyr.WHAT I REALLY WANT is to challenge and dispel stereotypes that non-Christians (and lets be honest... some Christians) have of the Christian God. For a long time I've been thinking that if people truly UNDERSTOOD the nature of God, which is LOVE, they would not reject Him. Instead, what they DO reject is the image that we as a Church have presented to them. Which on the whole is not good!

At the moment there are posters on London Buses that say, 'There is probably no God, So now you can get on and enjoy your life' - which proves my point really about how the world perceives God - as a big gigantic kill joy and taskmaster.

Jesus said that He came to give us abundant life - would anyone in their right mind reject THAT??

Believe it or not, there are some of us Christians whose description of abundant life is not sour faced, petty, guilt driven, fearful life that seems to be the prevailing message coming from the pulpit.

The only way I can communicate the abundant Christian life is to LIVE it. To WALK THE WALK, because the people I meet are tired of TALK!

Of course, there is hardship and suffering. But I hope that I do not respond to it in a fake 'Christian' I can handle this, because God is in control way, and instead learn how to give full rein to the appropriate human emotions for that moment, acknowledging that the only thing that keeps me from total despair is my faith in a God loves me, has my best interests at heart and will pull me out of this hole.

So that's my Christian resolution - which I can't strictly call a New Year Resolution, because it wasn't just made on the 1st of January. It's been there all along, since my rebirth.

Christmas

2008-12-31T16:56:00.002Z

My custom is to invite single friends to my home for Christmas lunch. This year I thought I’d take a back seat. Ann Marie mentioned that she was organising Christmas lunch for people in church who were on their own. Originally she expected about 20 people, but in the end about 85 signed up – clearly there was a need for it! A collection was taken up in church to raise funds for the dinner and a chef volunteered his services. Ann Marie also organised a Secret Santa, where church members picked up tags, with a brief description of each guest, from the back of the church and bought for them a present worth up to £5.

The meal was of a high standard! I was placed on a table with a family from Borneo, and it was lovely getting to know them. We had a table of homeless guys next to us that Ann Marie had made friends with on Barnet streets, and I got talking to them too. They had to leave early though because they were desperate for a drink. John Coles, one of the vicars dressed up as Father Christmas, and dished out the Secret Santa presents. I got a Van Gough writing set. And then while his 3 children provided musical entertainment, a guest magician, Chris, moved around the tables performing the most amazing party tricks. It was a really good day.

On Boxing Day and on the 29th, I volunteered at one of the Crisis Christmas Homeless Shelters. We had a fairly decent building this time – didn’t smell of damp and was adequately heated. There were more advisors and Samaritans this year than in previous years. They put the homeless in touch with social services and agencies who help them out of homelessness in the year. We had skilled volunteers like doctors, dentists, opticians, entertainers, hairdressers, masseurs, manicurists etc. I always go as a general volunteer where you do odd jobs and mingle with the guests, but wish I had a practical skill to help out with next year. Maybe that could be my New Years Resolution?
Unfortunately, the shelter was full, and we had to turn away some people at the door. Consequently none of us general volunteers relished front gate duty. It was not pleasant as the people we turned away were understandably angry and called us names- but there was nothing else we could do – Fire Safety officers would have shut us down and then every one would have been out on the streets.
There were a few familiar faces from previous years – guests and volunteers. I am always struck by the fact that how normal these guys are and that ANYONE can be homeless. It is just by the grace of God that I am not. A group of Eritreans’, who didn’t speak much English, were pretty much on their own due to language barrier. I sat at a table with one of them, Berhane, and while trying to communicate, it came up that Eritrea had once been an Italian colony, and he spoke a bit of Italian. WELL…my Italian lessons FINALLY came in handy and even though we spoke in simple sentences and in pidgin Italian, we had a decent conversation. One of the other volunteers overheard us talking and joined in- speaking rapid Italian. Berhane frowned and said he understood me, and not the Italian!
The 29th was emotionally difficult because it was the last day the shelter was open. The weather for New Years Eve is predicted to be -5º, and to think that people whose names and faces I know will be out in that, my heart aches! I wish we could do more. The shift leaders assured us that they try to do as much as they can to help these guys. I just wish we could do more!
So that was my Christmas!

Christian behaviour

2008-12-21T00:40:00.007Z

Once you tell people that you are a ‘practicing’ Christian, your life turns into a fish bowl. Every one expects you to behave like Mother Theresa, and to be honest most times it feels like they are all out to jump on to your every shortcoming with comments like “And you call yourself a Christian” “That wasn’t very Christian of you, was it?”
You've got the fundamentalists who just give Christianity a bad name, with their lack of love - I am thinking here of Westboro Baptist Church that picketed the funeral of a gay marine with anti-gay slogans in 2007. Like the family members didn't have enough grief to deal with!!
The guy, who tiled my bathroom floor a couple of years ago, is a Christian who showed very little integrity. He probably had 2 jobs going at the same time and was not honest about it…. And he did a shoddy job. When I pointed out some of the areas that needed re-doing, he said I was nit picking!!! For 500 pounds I will nit pick thank you very much!!! I was so upset to the point of incoherence that my flat mate who is used to dealing with difficult people stepped in to help. And then to cap it off, after ALL THAT, he attempted to evangelise to her. So embarrassing!

Yes I know I should take out the plank from my eye before I point out the splinter in my brother’s eye! I certainly can point to very un-Christian behaviour in my life - a lack of integrity at work, lying, gossiping, lack of chastity… the list is endless. And that’s just the outward behaviour… You wouldn’t want to know what goes on inside!

Sometimes it feels like the people in my world who are not Christians, are better Christians than I am.
Last weekend, as I was walking with a non Christian friend in West End, I ignored a woman who was begging on the side of the street. My companion stopped and fished for his last change (I know this because he literally emptied his wallet and pockets). A few seconds afterwards, he pointed out someone else who needed help. Embarrassed about my in-action with the ‘beggar’, I agreed to help. This woman was crying and engaged in the futile exercise of hailing a cab in a very busy section of Soho. They were all full. We tried our best to hail a cab for her and when that failed suggested that she moved further down where she was likely to catch one that was free. I even called 118 118 to see if there were any local cab firms about. Suddenly she started shouting at us like as if it was our fault she was not catching a cab. My friend looked at me imploringly
“ Kim, you’d better take over here cos I am at my wit’s end here” I tried to calm her down, make her see reason, but it just wasn’t working – she was distressed. Eventually she ignored our advice and went charging up the street, leaving us behind – so a failed attempt to help. Oh well!
But you know, I was really challenged by his compassion and willingness to get involved. Last month he organised an event and raised over 1000 pounds for Stop the Traffik- a global movement working to combat people trafficking.
I’ve become so blind to the needs around me, so caught up in a hedonistic, self-absorbed lifestyle. I am ok for displaying Christian qualities in church-organised events. Or helping out in the Crisis Homeless shelters at Christmas –and ignoring the homeless for the rest of the year. Maybe this is a wake up call for me to get off my arse and get involved. Being of an obsessive nature, there’s always the danger of getting over-involved to the point of ineffectiveness – it’s happened before. But maybe this time I will learn to establish some boundaries. I’ll start small… and aim to help one person a week? Is that too ambitious?
And perhaps I should keep surrounding myself with friends who display Christ's character, piggy back on to their efforts and learn from them.

Platonic = Fun

2008-12-12T19:11:00.008Z

The soldier and I have exchanged text messages almost everyday. I have to remind myself that he only views me, in the words of Dawn Eden, as... 'a piece of meat - a rare an attractive piece of meat, deserving of the highest respect, but meat nonetheless.' *

Yesterday I told him that I have taken a vow of chastity and prefer to have great platonic relationships with men which are much more fun.
'Your shitting me, you must get really frustrated'
'I don’t! Can’t explain it but I really am quite content'
'That’s ok; I suppose it’s less complicated'

I haven’t heard from him since …

Speaking of great platonic relationships last Saturday a good friend Fredrik phoned me up and asked if I wanted to go with him for the Landscape Photographer of the Year free exhibition at the National Theatre (held from 17 November to 17 January). Freddy is into his photography and whilst the photos in themselves were stunning, he was a fount of knowledge regarding the different techniques used. Afterwards we strolled through the German market stalls along the South bank, bought fudge and drank mulled wine.
And then to the O2 Arena (formerly Millennium Dome) in North Greenwich. There was a merry go round that Freddy asked me to get on to whilst he took photos with his ever present camera. Got this lovely shot!

We then went into the Body Worlds & Mirrors of Time Exhibition in the 02 bubble (£14) by German Professor Gunther von Hagens or Doctor Death - an anatomical exhibition of real human bodies that have been preserved by a process called plastination. Apparently these people donated their bodies to be displayed. There were about 200 bodies!! This is one of a dancer. Once again, I find this western culture weird because in Uganda it is taboo not to bury your dead. Heck when I told my mom I wanted my organs to be donated and body cremated when I died, she almost had an apoplectic fit. (Fred is of the opinion that these were really German prisoners with no human rights who were killed for the exhibition). The exhibition wasn’t as creepy as I thought it would be because the bodies looked …well… plastic. The most impressive displays for me were the giraffe which towered about 30 feet above us and the fascinating foetuses at different stages of growth from week 2 to week 8. You can distinguish the features at week 8, and yet in this country it is legal to abort them! The theme of the exhibition was aging, death. At the end of it you are handed a Life Certificate

in recognition of resolve and committment to embrace a healthy lifestyle,

accept physical and intellectul challenges,

strive for fellowship, and live a purposeful life in longevity.

And then there is space for you to write down your personal committments to long and healthy life.
Fred cautioned me not to sign it, because that would give Doctor Death a reason to abduct, kill and use your body for his exhibition!

Hmm I think someone has been watching too many Sci Fi movies
It was a really chilled out day, and I wish I had more like that with guys!
They ARE a lot more fun!

* Chapter 1 (page 6) of 'The Thrill of the Chaste - finding fulfillment while keeping your clothes on' by Dawn Eden

This month's flava..

2008-12-08T22:55:00.003Z

My personality is such that I prefer to deal in ABSOLUTES. If I can’t have exactly what I want, I’d rather do without. For example, I want a new Apple Mac, but can’t afford one at the moment, so won’t compromise and by the cheaper PC’s which I can.

And so with men!

Last Friday, I organised a karaoke night, in one of those clubs where there is also a dance floor. In the middle of my rendition of ‘Cheeky girls’, I felt arms around my waist and then move up and down my hips. I turned around and discovered that Little Sam is not that shy on the dance floor. He then tried to kiss me…’Hang on! He’s not old enough to do this’…. I pushed him away and wagged a finger at him “You are a dangerous boy! Dangerous!”
Ok he is 28 (but looks about 20) – so not so young, relatively good looking... short. He comes up to me most Sundays, mumbles hello then stands there leaving me to carry the conversation. It really is hard work as he isn’t terribly communicative. I try to ask open questions, in an effort to get at his “Hot Buttons” (you know? A subject that is important to him or he feels strongly about) but in the months that I’ve known him, the only thing I’ve got is his ACCA course and exams. (Yawn) Conversation is mainly one way as he never asks me questions, it's stilted and normally ends in awkward silence, with me looking busy with tech stuff, till he gets the hint and leaves!

After karaoke, while we were waiting for our respective night buses he tried to bring up what had happened. I decided not to help him out.
Sam “Did you have a nice time tonight”
Kim “Yeah, it was cool, A lot of fun”
He stood there biting his lip; I could see from the expression on his face that he was desperately trying to think up what to say next. Fortunately (for me) his bus arrived!
“There’s your bus! Hope you get home ok”
As he hugged me goodbye he whispered in my ear just before he boarded “Bye Kim, I love you!”
Kim “That’s nice, bye!”

For some reason I think he’s been planning to say this for months! I got home and found a message from him on Facebook “I love you my sweet! Hope you got home fine”
Then on Sunday after the service he came up to me at the AV desk and tried again. “Did you enjoy the other night!”
“Yeah! It was great””
He shuffled from one foot to the other while I busied myself on the computer looking through my pictures on Facebook. He couldn’t see what was on the screen and assumed I was doing tech team stuff. Finally he said
“Kim and her computer. Always busy”
I made an apologetic face” Yes! Really hectic time of the year. We’re kind of stretched at the moment”
Now at this point, my kind of man would have offered to join the team to help ease the burden. We HAVE sent out countless appeals for volunteers…Sam is just not my type.
I was going to set him straight after he had completed his tough Accountancy exam today. I got a text
"Exam's over! Now it's u all the way...darling" GROAN
I immediately picked up the phone and called him. Told him that I was not looking for a relationship that right now I think is my time to remain single and I'd prefer to just be friends with him. He seemed to take it with good grace, saying that if that was what I wanted then he would respect that. Phew!! Let's just hope it won't be awkward at church

It’s so strange that now when I am in a place where like Lieutenant Dan in Forest Gump, I have made my peace with God and I am happily single- NOW is when all the guys show up

Temptation in Bognor - a reminder of my humanity

2008-12-02T22:07:00.006Z

I often hesitate to write Christian articles, because I’m not really an authority on Christian matters. I strongly believe that the mettle of your faith is tested outside the comfort zone of the ‘Four Walls’ of Church. Like mine was!

At Butlins, I’d been practising speaking Italian all weekend with the Sicilian couple in our Fancy dress group. Earlier in the day I’d remarked jokingly (??)
“Your boyfriend is cute, does he have a brother”
“Yes an older brother, Marko who lives in Rome. He’s single. We’ll hook you up with him!”
It was all going swimmingly well. So in the evening, I thought nothing of it when the boyfriend asked me to keep him company while he had a cigarette outside. Once we got there he grabbed me, pulled me tight against him, and his tongue was down my throat! The cheek of it…. and his girlfriend just upstairs? When I got over the shock (must admit it took a while because he was sooo cute) I gently disengaged and reminded him that he had a girlfriend, whom I happened to like a lot and I didn’t think we should be doing this. And what about hooking me up with your brother Marko?
“Pretend I am Marko for tonight”
“No…. think of your girlfriend. I’m not doing this to her. I like her”
He accepted this with a meek “Ok!” (he was trying it on really) and we went back in. The girlfriend didn’t seem to notice that we were avoiding each other. I felt really bad. I saw one of the guys in the group talking to her and I thought, Oh no, he must have seen us, he’s telling her that he saw us kissing, I’m going to get bitch slapped here. You know what women are like! They always blame the woman even though I didn’t initiate anything and took the moral high ground so to speak.

Remember the suited, bra & thong guys? My Australian roomy had made friends with them, and I chatted with one of them that afternoon. He’s in the army – which explained the nice body. Yes I'm sucker for muscles. I thought he was just being friendly but later on I realised this had been a ‘fishing expedition’ to establish that ‘the coast was clear’ before he could make his move. And make his move he did! Not in the unrefined grabbing way of the Italian. He took his time - clearly skilled in the art of seduction! In the disco, he hovered on the fringes of our group and then somehow manoeuvred me to himself, next thing we are slow dancing, he is making me laugh, then we are kissing. He was a good kisser; just the right height and I could feel his biceps through his shirt. And me, who until then had sworn that I was asexual, never feeling anything when I made out with guys, was REALLY struggling inside. When the tone started turning towards ‘Lets find a room’, I hastily excused myself and went to the Ladies; sent a text message to my mate SJ- never mind it’s the middle of the night, she’s in Nigeria and this is going to cost her!

“SJ, at moment I am very tempted to have sex with this guy. I am seriously turned on; he’s got a great body. Please pray for me LIKE NOW!”
A text straight back from her “I’m on it girl! Avoid bein alone & do WOTEVA IS NECESSARY 2 keep urself out o dangers way!”

Bless her heart!!!

Reinforced with SJ’s advice and prayers, I told him I was going to bed ON MY OWN and suggested that he take a cold shower and do the same. He walked me to my room, tried one last time to change my mind, but I held firm (…only just)

Okay so now it’s official. Italians like me, and I am not asexual. I’m not super human either, and not a very good Christian. If I was, I wouldn’t have got myself into that position in the first place. But I’ve also proven to myself that prayer works because the only way I didn’t go 'all the way' with this guy was through some serious DIVINE INTERVENTION. I read in 2 Corinthians 4: 7 (NLT) this morning,

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves

So true, So true

Skool Reunion at Butlins, Bognor Regis

2008-12-02T21:47:00.009Z

Last Friday, 20 of us from the London Fancy Dress Group went to Butlin’s ‘Skool Reunion’ weekend. We descended on the coastal resort in Bognor Regis with about 4500 other revellers.
Butlins Holiday resort is England at its tackiest. It's littered with arcade machines, fast food restaurants, cheap looking bars, fun fairs, a water park with slides, cheesy holiday reps, the common sight of binge drinkers. Definitely not classy. In terms of accommodation, I went prepared for the worst (think cheap youth hostel with communal showers) so was pleasantly surprised that our twin bed chalets were clean, had ensuite bathroom and amenities like iron, kettle, TV. We paid for half board – which included breakfast and supper. Everyone in the group moaned about the food – for me it wasn’t too bad as I had been expecting the usual bland English affair... and that's what we got!

The atmosphere was festive and everyone smiled and talked to each other just like in Summer. A lot of silliness takes place. It’s great! There were a variety of interesting costumes on display. The ones that stood out were the 2 guys in dark suits who looked decent until they turned around to expose open backs showing the bras and thongs they were wearing underneath! In the Five Star concert, which I went to on my own because it clashed with Right Said Fred, I bonded with an ‘Amy Winehouse’ crew, and a group of ‘school girls’ who like me knew ALL the words, and dance steps to the songs, and screamed every time Stedman glanced our way! There was a lot of Super Heroes, a break dancing Scooby Doo and Mystery Inc, Surgeons, a Sheikh with his bodyguards, Cat women, The Joker from Batman dressed up as a nurse… I really miss having a camera!
Friday night, we dressed up as school girls – knee high socks, short tartan skirts, white blouses un-tucked and enough buttons undone to show a little cleavage. My roommate was a crazy Australian, who was there to get drunk and score with the boys. She kept going back to the room to top up her ‘fruit shoot bottle’ with the vodka that she’d snuck into the resort. A couple of other girls had the same goals. I don’t really like vodka, and I couldn’t keep up with them – so gravitated towards the Mediterranean’s in the group. It was great hanging out with them as they did not have social barriers in expressing themselves; greeting with hugs and kisses, a touchy feely group – reminded me of the guys I grew up with back home.
Saturday, we went as netball teams and had a private room cocktail party in Room 3.
Sunday we dressed up as old ladies (the boys too!!), and played Bingo in the Irish Bar, which according to Andy, our Fancy Dress group organiser, was ‘Boring in an intense kind of way’. Afterwards went for a fencing lesson.
Quite funny sword fighting dressed up as old ladies. Watched football and later on changed into 80’s themed outfits for the night’s entertainment. There was live entertainment every evening with old pop acts from the 80’s like Right Said Fred, 2 Unlimited, Five Star, Bewitched, 911; a really good tribute band for The Madness called Complete Madness.
Butlins is not for everybody though. A couple of Americans in our group, left after just one night. Apparently one of them ripped her fingernail. I don’t know what they’d been expecting, but we figured that maybe it was just too tacky for them and they were looking for an excuse to leave. Having fun is pretty much an attitude, and life is what you make of it. The appealing thing about Fancy Dress parties is that people let down reserve and slip into character of the costume, sometimes their alter egos. I was taken aback when my Aussie roomy told me that she was a Matron (so quite senior) at a London hospital.
I felt like I bonded with the group and I am looking forward to our Christmas party

Let’s meet up sometime!

2008-11-19T23:21:00.006Z

If I had to pick a phrase that I utterly loathe in the English language, then this would be it!
It's
So vague
So open-ended
So inactive
So lazy

In fact, I may not be very fluent, but I'm almost 100% sure such a phrase does not exist in my mother tongue, Runyoro.

Back in the day, I used to say it a lot. Weeks, months, YEARS even, would go by… and ‘Some Time’ would never materialise.
Last month, I had a telephone conversation with a friend, which ended with him saying
“I really enjoyed this conversation. We should do this more often. Let’s get together sometime”
I responded, “When you say, let’s get together sometime, do you have a specific date in mind? Because if there isn’t, I can see us having this telephone conversation in a few months time, ending with the same sentiments… until the next telephone conversation”
There was a pause on the other end
Him: “You know, now that you say it, that is actually true. I never thought of it that way” We arranged to meet for drinks the following week

The first thing he told me was
“You know what you said the other day really challenged me.”
Apparently he was speaking to another friend, whom he hadn’t seen in a while, and was just about to end the conversation in his usual fashion, when he stopped himself and then made a definite appointment. In that moment, he realised this why he had drifted away from so many friends over the course of the years.

Now I can 'see' you my fellow Africans howling! "We are not ‘bazungu*’ who always make appointments to see people."
Tell me! When is the last time you met up with your friends… YES… you who live in London on your own, and the only contact you make with your friends is either by telephone or email. Do you even know what they look like these days?
(Don’t get me started on that particular peeve of mine. I hate the way phones have replaced face-to-face communication!)

Life in London is way too busy for vague phrases like ‘Let’s meet up sometime’

* white person or foreigner in Swahili language

bfm (black film maker) International Film Festival

2008-11-14T14:00:00.007Z

I heard about this festival by chance. The person who told me about it, incidentally heard about it by chance too! All the people I talked to hadn’t heard about it either. And this was quite a significant event because it was the Festival's 10th Anniversary plus it had a lot more British film directors this time around in a field that is usually dominated by American film makers. I think Bfm’s publicity department will need to rethink it's marketing strategy!

On Tuesday I went to the British Film Institute for the black short film awards, hosted by Tameka Epsom (of ‘Three Non Blondes’ fame). She was very funny, but had a tendency to go on….and on….
The films screened were,
1) ‘Much Ado About A Minor Ting’, directed by Jesse Lawrence, set in the gang culture of Ladbroke Grove. It was funny and exaggerated in some places, but disturbing for me as I watched the dangerous reality teenagers have to contend with daily. It won best cinematography award
2) ‘Survivor’ directed by Nicole Volavka – dealt with the subject of political refugees and the lingering trauma suffered by them. I could relate to this film because I was born a refugee - my parents could not go back to Uganda during Idi Amin’s regime. The film struck home for me because it related to people from the countries of Sudan and Rwanda - which border Uganda. People here have no empathy for the immigrants who have suffered tremendously. I cried afterwards– for the characters in the film or for myself... I'm not sure. It won best script award.
3) ‘Man, Broken’ directed by Pezhmaan Alinia, about a man’s grief after the murder of his child on the streets. This was about 5 minutes long and I couldn’t believe it when I saw the credits rolling. Personally I thought, it needed a bit more? I had to choke back a laugh when the director said that it took him 6 months to do the film. 6 MONTHS?
4) ‘Win, Lose or Draw’ directed by Lawrence Coke concerning the experiences of the first Jamaican arrivals in the 1960’s. It was a mix of documentary, interviews with people who had come over on the Windrush and drama. The audience picked it as their best film
5) ‘One Of Us’, directed by Clint Dyer concerning the dilemma of a boy choosing between his career and that of his close friends.

Interesting evening! The freebies were also quite good – books by black writers. Makes a refreshing change from hair products!
I wouldn’t be me, if I didn’t comment on the nice selection of good-looking Brothers in the house! Afterwards while we were mingling at Benugo’s bar, listening to the sounds of Blacktronica, I had to restrain myself from gushing.

I think I should attend events like these more often ;-)

At the Ally Pally Fireworks, 8 November 2008

2008-11-10T18:42:00.002Z

From left to right: Mikey, me, Krystle, Beth and Stuart

Jumping On The OBAMANIA Wagon

2008-11-10T01:17:00.006Z

Barack Obama’s election for me, just made my day
My eyes were glued to the TV all afternoon watching the news replaying the moment his election was announced, the scenes of jubilation in America (and Kenya!), tears rolling down Jesse Jackson’s face, the MAN himself, and that speech! I was crying and laughing at the same time and floated on this high to Home Group, wanting to talk about it and rejoice.
Julian brought up the subject
“I know you are not from Kenya, but Uganda is pretty close by. You must be really pleased about Obama’s election”

Me: “Yeah, it’s a good thing, not just for Kenyans, but for all black people everywhere”
Martin, says: “You mean it’s not a good thing for white people?”
He said it in such an aggresive way that I didn’t even bother to respond to him. I wished that I had gone to my black friends celebration, because they would appreciate this momentous occasion.

The fact is, racism exists in Britain, institutionalised, mostly subtle but sometimes outright. There’s this false belief that UK doesn’t have it as bad as the USA.

Unless you are from an ethnic minority group, you probably won’t be affected by it. Martin, being white middle class, wouldn't experience it at all!

A black friend once told me that in school when she went for guidance on pursuing a career in children’s social work, the careers advisor told her she was wasting her time and should consider a career in sports or music. Perhaps the advisor meant well, after all these 2 areas appear to be the places where black people make a success of things

Benjamin Zephaniah sums it up in his poem ‘Three Black Males’*

We are only in white nations
When we win them gold in sports

What if you aren’t gifted at sports or music? What’s the point in trying anything else?
The only role models we have in any positions of influence are a mere handful. And even they tend to distance themselves from our community, moving out to more ‘respectable’ (read…non-black) neighbourhoods, marrying and raising their kids ‘white’. The irony is that in this society, if you have ‘a drop of black, you is black.’ When the poor kids come out of their cocoon, they experience a culture shock because they discover that they are still victims of the stereotyping that their parent tried to get away from. And it hurts them worse, because they didn’t see it coming.

My pet peeve is when Africans change their name to something that sounds more ‘western’ to improve their career prospects. I was horrified when my niece changed her last name to ‘Brown’. Why on earth would you WANT to work in a place that won’t hire you because your name sounds foreign? Obama has proved that you can still rise to the highest office in a nation, in the world even, with a foreign sounding name?

So after this rant, how do I end this?

If Obama’s election has achieved anything, it has shown the changing perceptions of black people in today’s world. I acknowledge that his rise was not a solo effort. Lots of people like Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr, the whole civil rights movement, even Condoleeza Rice, helped to pave the way for him.
Obama has challenged and overcome some of the stereotypes, and I have hope that my little black nephew, who is only 6 now, will have a better chance of pursuing his dreams. Who knows, these dreams may take him in the direction of sports or music (the last I heard I think it was super hero), but at least I know with such a powerful example of Obama, he’ll have the freedom to know that these aren't the ONLY options.

God bless Barack Obama. Keep him and family safe May he have a successful term in office. (Heck even 2 terms in office!!) Guide his decisions; surround him with advisors who want him to succeed, and not fail!

Is Jesus the answer?

2008-10-29T09:17:00.003Z

There’s someone I know whose behavioural pattern is on a downward spiral. He is drowning in credit card debt, has no permanent home, a dead end job, a son he can’t relate to, a string of failed relationships…

A close friend is considering leaving her husband of 2 years. They are from opposite ends of the social stratum; she is a doctor, he is/was a rubbish collector. When they met, she thought she could inspire him to pursue a career as a chef, and for a while he went along with it. But after 2 years of being in and out of jobs, he is now unemployed. He hates chef work and has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy and now considers himself ‘disabled’. He shows no sign of wanting to work, stays at home all day, and when she comes home tired from a long shift at the hospital, their bed is unmade; there are still dishes in the sink. She is wondering whether she made a big mistake marrying this guy. “I want a man who can look after me. A man who has ambition... he isn’t that man”...

A work colleague has been diagnosed with an illness, which means she has to take steroids to control it. These affect her moods and make her extremely ill tempered and depressed. She is in her mid 30’s, from a culture where if you are still single at that age, you are despised. Because she is unmarried, it falls to her to shoulder the responsibility of looking after her elderly and sick mother. She has no life of her own, is frustrated, “I just want to fly away, just get away from this place…”

And then there’s me. Floating along in life with no purpose or direction, LONELY, unable to form close relationships due to a fear of being vulnerable and of rejection.
Disappointed that after 18 years this ‘ personal relationship with Jesus’ hasn’t yet materialised. I cast off the yoke of religious ritual which had proved futile in getting close to God, so that I could embrace him. And now it seems I exchanged one set of rituals for another. It seems to me that the only way to get close to God is to die and be with him.

Is Jesus the answer?

2008-10-20T10:52:00.011+01:00

Last weekend I treated myself to a day out at Madame Tussaud’s. I’ve been keeping close tabs on my expenditure this month – writing down everything I spend. But as I was feeling so low all week after the disastrous interview, I thought, ‘Sod it! I’ll indulge and spend £25 pounds on myself.”
I had a ‘buy one get one free ticket’ voucher and asked little Ollie to hang out with me. This was quite handy because he brought along his camera and acted as my photographer. Some of the wax works were really lifelike e.g. Samuel L Jackson and the Queen. Others weren’t so good, like Will Smith. There were too many women lining up to take a picture of the George Clooney holding their hand and gazing into their eyes, so missed out on that one. Angelina and Brad also had a long queue. I took pictures with Morgan Freeman, Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Shirley Bassey, Justin Timberlake, Robbie Williams, Tiger Woods, Charles Dickens and Mr T. We couldn’t get into the Chamber of Horrors because they asked for an extra £3, which I thought was quite cheeky. The last ride was called the ‘Spirit of London’ where you sit in little taxis and go slowly around a mini roller coaster through waxworks depicting the history of London from Queen Victoria times todate. As you come out the ride a camera flashes and takes a photo - I came out looking very dark and bewildered (the lighting is never any good for us dark people).
We had lunch at Pizza Express courtesy of another buy one get one free meal voucher. Then we took a stroll through Regents Park, Freize Art Festival’s sculpture garden. Ollie kept referring to it as crap, saying that the money could have been better spent on people in the Third World who really need it… but he likes the Tate Modern art gallery?? which in my opinion is no different.

The skull was made from recycled tin cans. In the other photo, a reluctant Ollie forced to pose with a sculpture. Such enthusiasm! We rounded off the day at Hillsong London which was ok… it was the usual Hillsong. My little friend was impressed with the technical side of things, e.g. the lighting and visuals. But like me, thought that the sound mix was terrible – couldn’t really hear the vocals over the loud instruments. Also the sound engineer could have had less volume on the kick drum during the quiet ministry moments. The sermon was good because it talked about the Law, and how Jesus fulfilled it for us already. A timely reminder!

Tough Interview

2008-10-14T17:03:00.001+01:00

On Friday I had an interview for a job as a trainee Internal Auditor.

I haven’t had an interview in ages, so was cacking it all week! I took 3 days off to buy an outfit, get my hair sorted and have a mock interview with Jeff! "You've got the job!", he said!
I couldn’t even go for my Home group or band practice because was really nervous!

To say it was a tough interview is a bit of an understatement. The only positive thing is that one of the guys on the panel had a nice smile, and genuinely seemed to want to help me during the interview by rephrasing questions.
On reflection, I guess there were too many rephrased questions, and on my part, vague, unspecific answers which does not bode well. They liked me, but I could sense a certain disappointment as I did not give them the answers they were looking for!

Now all I need to do is put it far from my mind! Instead I keep replaying the interview over and over again, chastising myself for not saying this or that! When friends ask me about it, I give a non-committal answer, however, if they keep pressing for more information, the tears start rolling!

Change the topic then!

I do not look forward to the interview results.

Electronic Misadventure

2008-10-06T22:47:00.006+01:00

It all started when my mobile, Nokia 6630 fell in the toilet! Okay, that was my fault – I mean who puts their mobile in the back pocket! It was destroyed. At the time I wasn't particularly bothered. I have a spare Nokia 3310, which I use when travelling abroad. It’s nothing fancy and usually quite reliable. This time though it hs let me down. It won’t even charge.
Fortunately for me, my sister had left her spare Nokia 6030 at my house by mistake and I…ehem… appropriated it for my own use! You can imagine the horror I felt when last weekend, as I was about to cross a busy main road, it slipped out of my hands and fell right onto the road! I stood by in utter helplessness as first a car went by- missing it by a fraction. There was a short interval in the traffic, a brief flicker of hope…it just might make it… only to be crushed when the next car just smashed it. Ohhhhh!!!!!
My sister took pity on me and gave me her other spare phone, Samsung SGH – D500 with instructions that I had to be extra careful with this one because it had precious photos and valuable contact information on it.
“I will guard it with my life!” I vowed earnestly.
This morning, as I was sending a text message, the screen froze and WENT BLANK! It has REFUSED to go back to normal. Even when I switch it on and off, take out the battery.... nothing, NADA, NIENTE!!!

I think it has died!! What am I going to tell my sister!!!

And it isn't just the phones! My office laptop is to be replaced for the 3rd time this year!!! When the IT guy attempted to rebuild it, there was a server/user name conflict, which he has been unable to resolve. 2 weeks no laptop. This laptop at home, after it has had enough (30 minutes), freezes. Ctrl-Alt-Del has no effect...in fact that freezes too!!!I am always rebooting it! It also does not like the new Facebook format!

The lens on my beloved Canon IXUS 800 IS camera has started malfunctioning too. Either it doesn’t focus at all, or if it does, when I take a photo, it comes out as over exposed or with white lines going through it!

I am wondering. Is this an attack of the enemy to get me down? I’ve got to admit, I am feeling quite frustrated. It isn’t funny anymore!
Or is there something about me that is causing these electronic things to act up around me. Granted with the mobiles, my clumsiness played a part, but the non-charging of one, and freezing of the other??? How do I explain that?
A former colleague who was into Eastern stuff told me that my computer was acting up because according to Feng Shui, it was affected by my mood and I needed to calm down! I was in a particularly bad mood that day.
I don’t know much about Feng Shui, and have always dismissed it as superstitious nonsense. Perhaps I should read up on it although the whole 'energy' thing freaks me out… but now I am thinking, is what is happening to my electrical equipment a reflection of the negative nervous emotional state within? This morning I was feeling emotionally drained. I only got a couple of hours sleep because I’ve come down with a cold and nose was bunged up. I was also crying a lot because of a discussion I had had with a non-Christian friend that evening, who has closed his heart and mind to God. And then the phone stopped working. Any connection there?

Can an inanimate object be affected by my moods?

Reflections on religion,freedom and the Shawshank Redemption

2008-09-22T23:53:00.011+01:00

Last night I watched the final scene in the Shawshank Redemption.
The character played by Morgan Freeman; ‘Red’, has been released from prison and while he is at his job bagging groceries, he catches the attention of the store manager and asks, “Personal break boss?”

The manager beckons him over and says, “You don’t need to ask me every time you need to go take a piss… just go…Understand?
Afterwards, Red reflects,

“40 years I’ve been asking permission to piss. I can’t squeeze a drop without say so. There’s a harsh truth to face, no way am I going to make it on the outside. All I do anymore is think of ways to break my parole so maybe they’d send me back. Terrible thing to live in fear, Brooks Hatlin knew it, knew it all too well. All I want is to be back where things make sense where I won’t have to be afraid all the time…”

The thing with my traditional religious upbringing is that I became as institutionalised as Red. For so long I’d been told what to believe, how to pray, how to please God, even more so, how to anger God. Everything was structured, predictable...
Becoming a Christian broke my neatly ordered world. This should be a good thing right? But then why do I feel that I am in a kind of free fall with no parachute. Or like a surfer caught in a rip tide, drifting out to sea, helpless against the strong currents
Nothing is black and white. Issues like homosexuality, faith, healing are still grey areas and open to personal interpretation. I cannot rely anymore on unchallenged liturgies, catechisms, and sacraments to tell me what to believe.
There are no formulas because...

“God is not a vending machine”,

"God is not tame",

"He cannot be manipulated".

With no rosaries or books of common prayers to help me, I find it difficult to even find the ‘right’ words with which to pray. I struggle to have faith in a God who may or may not choose to heal or save people; or to be a witness to the boundless love of this God in the face of human… even Christian... suffering. I cannot in all honesty testify that the Holy Spirit can transform your life, when mine, 18 years down the line, is still unchanged, selfish and rotten to the core.
And I am afraid because I don’t know how I can claim to be Christian and yet have such treacherous thoughts. I’m like the Israelites, who having escaped slavery, longed to go back to Egypt, the place of their captivity.

Or as more recently portrayed in the movie, the Matrix, by Cypher, who having become disillusioned with the grim existence in the real world, betrays Neo to the Agents because he prefers his old life of ignorance within the matrix.

"Ignorance is bliss" , he says

But is it?

I recognise that ‘religion’ was a kind of prison, and I broke away from it because I felt it was lacking something. But it was easy and the rules of engagement were clearly defined. You didn't have to think for yourself because others did it for you

Religion = safe, secure, predictable

Christianity= dangerous, uncertain, unpredictable, SCARY!

I'm torn because, as Red said in the movie, I want to be back where things make sense where I won’t have to be afraid all the time.
Yet, I don’t want to miss out! I don’t even know what it is I don’t want to miss out on. I don't want to go back to the emptiness, hollowness of religion, and yet I don't want to keep on feeling...unstable

Snapshot

2008-09-15T17:00:00.004+01:00

So it’s been a bit quiet on the blogging front- there appears to be NO movement in the blogosphere – so it isn’t just me

Credit card bill is currently £1200+ - How did that happen?
Weight back up to 14 stone – when did that happen?
New job is going ok now. I’ve made a new best friend, Carlton
Jonathan not going out of his way to talk to me. The most I get is a brief nod! And then last week after 5.00pm service, I hung about (without being too obvious) to have a chat, and he just blanked me. Okay so maybe he really wasn’t in to me
My VERY young admirer, Sam introduced me to his grandmother and brother who were visiting from America. Sam is cute but is probably 25? Last week he said ‘jokingly’ that he would like to travel to Italy with me next year… was he was flirting? I can’t tell because I am so rubbish at flirting.
I fluked an invitation to a celebrities party, David and Carrie Grant’s. Their sitting room is as big as my whole flat and they’ve got a nice swimming pool. I had a camera but felt it wouldn’t be ‘appropriate’ to take photos. Now I wish I had for 'vidence'! I indulged in the free expensive champagne and Baileys – got very drunk, said some strange things to my vicar and played with David Grants dreadlocks (cringe). A friend insisted on driving me home. I don’t think I’ll be invited again!! (now you see why I should have taken photos?)
My mobile phone fell into an un-flushed toilet! Can’t really afford a new one, so I nicked my sister Ngonzi’s spare handset to use with my sim card, that she’d left at my flat by mistake. When she came over to my flat last week I removed it out of sight from the sitting room to the bedroom. However that girl must have some kind of radar because she went straight for my bedroom and said “Hey isn’t that my phone?” So busted!!! She's let me keep it. Phew!!!
Attended the Thames Festival. Really liked the Korean entertainment.
Attended my first emergent church worship service at St Mary’s Ealing… hmm don’t really know what to make of it. There was stuff that I liked about it. We sat, I lay down, on bean bags, the visuals were stunning. I really liked the music, Holy Communion, creating a mosaic out of broken tile bits to represent our brokenness and the prayer of commitment at the end. However, I hated the chant (i.e. kind of like Gregorian’ish) and can’t understand why they didn’t refer to Jesus by name
Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives and X Factor are BACK!!!
I start my Italian classes tomorrow!!!

A Victim of Fraud!

2008-09-02T17:25:00.006+01:00

I couldn't believe it when I saw it!

£125 visa payment to 'Month End Money, Internet' on the 29 August 2008. Who the hell are 'Month End Money'???

I was checking my bank account online on Sunday night, when I spotted the payment. There was simply no way I could have spent £125 in one go, and then to a company I'd never even heard of!

Thank God I found out about it this way. Just last week my friend Emily discovered that she was also a victim of credit card fraud when her card payment was declined. She was understandably embarrassed and in shock, because she'd only JUST got the card, and had not used it much. When she requested a statement from the credit card company, she found someone had spent up to £1500!! £125 seems tiny by comparison!!
I got on to the phone straight away to my bank. Fortunately they have a 24 hour phone line... Good Old Nationwide!!... and had the card stopped. Next day I phoned their Special Investigation branch to explain that a fraudster had gotten hold of my card details. I could not understand how this could happen since I hardly ever use it online. The lady I spoke to explained that you only have to use your card once... if someone on the other end is dishonest, they will use your details to make unauthorised transactions. These things are commonplace. The bank have re-creditted the money.
I've become paranoid now. I keep checking my account every few hours!

I don't have any cash on me, my replacement card is arriving in 5 - 7 working days and I have no time to go into my local bank branch to withdraw money.
It sucks really

Barcelona

2008-08-27T18:07:00.003+01:00

My trip to Barcelona was interesting

Perhaps I should start with the lowlights
I couldn’t really afford the trip and have stuck the cost of flight and accommodation onto my credit card. The only good thing is that I stuck to my spending budget of less than £100
I’d learnt that a group of guys from church would be in Barcelona at about the same time as me and we had agreed to meet up for dinner. However this did not happen for various reasons… I must admit I feel some slight rejection… but I’ll get over it
My friend from LA, Delan has been living in Barcelona for the last 4 months and was very enthusiastic about my visit. He took us to his friend’s restaurant, Dos Trece, which is also a cocktail and music bar. I was grateful for the non-smoking zone. Following the smoking ban in England in public places, I’ve become accustomed to the pleasant smoke free atmosphere. The smell of smoke in Spain can be quite overwhelming. After our meal, at the invitation of one of the girls I’d met in the loo, we went downstairs to the lounge where a live band was playing. I met such a variety of interesting (English speaking) people. There was the middle aged Indian couple visiting their son who works as a teacher in Barcelona. The wife showed us photos they’d taken with a drag queen in another restaurant, “I hadn’t realised it was a man!” There was also an intense German guy who was into Eastern stuff like Feng Shui etc. When he was talking to Yati I noticed her eyes glazing over… We finished off the evening at Jamboree jazz and dance club on Plaza Reial. Downstairs is the hip-hop/ R&B room and upstairs cheesy 80’s style music. I attracted the attention of an overly amorous Nigerian guy. It was okay when we were dancing together – winding, grinding, *snogging*… but when the club closed and the crowd moved towards the beach to watch the sun rise, I was surprised that he latched on to me. Apparently, I am so beautiful… he wants to hold me, kiss me, squeeze me, make love to me. He said he'd pay for me to come back to Barcelona to spend time with him! (Sigh) He wasn’t bad looking, but for me there was just no chemistry. Plus his idea of ‘getting to know me better’ was purely physical and I am just not on that ‘page’ at the moment.

Barcelonians attitude to naked people is quite interesting. That morning at the beach there was a naked guy running about. Okay… it’s 6.30am… not many people around so that’s alright? But then again in the middle afternoon, we spotted ANOTHER naked guy, walking down the busy main street, Passeig de Gracia, seemingly oblivious to the open mouthed stares he was drawing from the tourists! Delan assured us that this was commonplace and not against the law. He’d have been arrested for indecent exposure in London!

Boredom

2008-08-21T17:14:00.003+01:00

If it seems pretty much like posting overload, that’s probably because it is

I volunteered to move to a different team at the beginning of August and now think this was a terrible mistake. It made a lot of sense at the time - an opportunity to do something different. Also the new office is closer to home, so instead of one and half hours it only takes 20 minutes to get to work. I’ve even cycled in a couple of times.

Geographical location is about the only positive thing about the job so far! 2 weeks in and I’m sitting at my desk, watching the clock, twiddling my thumbs and blogging. On Monday I could not bring myself to come in and took a ‘sickie’. Today I almost cried as I left the house. Some friends have said that I should enjoy the fact that I’m getting paid for doing nothing. But that’s just not me! I’m going slowly insane from inactivity!
I’ve tried to find something to do… honestly. I’ve been badgering my new manager but he’s gone off on leave; I keep sending emails to my old manager- who has now absolved himself of all responsibility. I’ve volunteered for a project in another team that was desperate for help, but no one has got back to me. I have a mentor in the new team, who is fond of planning meetings, but not very good at implementation. I gave myself a pep talk at lunchtime

“Change your attitude! Look for something to do. Get creative”

I’m bored and there’s still one more day to go to the weekend! What will I do tomorrow?

Listening

2008-08-21T08:03:00.004+01:00

Despite the Great Commission and my 'call' to evangelism, I'm not much of an evangelist. I think I've only shared the gospel with ONE person at work in the whole 9 years that I've been working there. I'd like to say that I've distinguished myself as a Christian, with 'this little light of mine' shining bright, but alas my attitude to and quality of work has been more of less the same, if not worse than my fellow 'unbelieving' colleagues; I often join in with the office gossip, laugh at the crude jokes (some of them can be quite funny) and my language at times, can be colourful.
So I'm not evangelising in word or deed. Occasionally I DO pray for my 'unsaved' friends, family and colleagues, but that's about it.

Yesterday I went out for lunch with a work colleague. She's been having a really rough few months with health, family, (our) dead end job etc and it became quite clear into the lunch that all she really wanted was someone to listen. So I did.
This particular person is a devout Catholic, but at the same time dabbles in occult practices such as tarot cards, palm reading, consulting mediums. As she was talking, I silently prayed to the Holy Spirit for guidance. Should I hit her HARD with the gospel?
No answer was forthcoming
As the lunch hour was drawing to a close, before I could think it over, I blurted out
"Okay, shall we pray about this? Do you mind?"
"You mean pray now?"...
"Mmhmm"...
"No, no I don't mind"
I prayed a simple prayer and my last words to her as we parted were

"God will turn this situation around. I don't know how, but He will"

Afterwards I got a text from her thanking me for listening, her spirits had been lifted her and she thought I was a true daughter of God.

I felt a bit pleased about that. Even though it isn't proper evangelising, I pray that I have sown the seed of God's hope into her life
Now Father please do something about her situation...In Jesus name I pray!

Missing In Action

2008-08-20T18:10:00.002+01:00

I haven't seen Jonathan for the last 2 weeks... wonder where he's disappeared to. Was going to ask his flatmate last Sunday, but decided against it at the last minute
hmm...

Reasons for joining a church?

2008-08-17T17:37:00.004+01:00

“So how come you go to an ‘all white’ church… is it because you like white guys?”

I was a bit puzzled with this line of reasoning. I’ve been mulling over that one all day.

First of all, I am attracted to handsome men with good physique, charm, self-confidence, an outgoing personality, creative bla bla bla. I relate easier to guys from a similar background… educated, middle class. and would only think of ‘Race’ in terms of stereotypical behaviour normally associated with it e.g. I’m more inclined towards Italians and Poles because all the ones I’ve met have been warm, funny and direct, Germans -tortured neurotic souls, American (men) – shallow, English- tight-assed until you put a bit of alcohol into them!!

I was offended that she would even suggest that the only reason I came to St B’s was such a superficial one. Joining a church is akin to entering into a marriage - the start of a (hopefully) life long relationship with God’s people, with Him at its centre. A place where you will invest your time, money, emotions… I can’t put a finger on why I decided to become a member of St B’s. I’d been ‘churchless’ for a few months and was captivated by the first service I attended there. It was Advent Sunday- a Family service (where kids don’t go to Sunday school but stay in the main service). I loved the interactive games, worship; the fact that a woman, Helen, was preaching the sermon; the tea, coffee and biscuits served throughout the service; the humility of the church leaders, the simplicity… the whole informality of it all… THE FREEDOM. The verse 2 Corinthians 3:17 ‘…where the Lord’s Spirit is, there is freedom’ springs to mind. It just felt… right.

Race didn’t feature at all in this decision.

St B’s isn’t a perfect church. It’s taken a while to make friends, I still feel slightly isolated because of my age – too old to interact socially with the Singles- too young in attitude to interact with my (mostly all married) age group. There’s the behind-the-scenes church politics going on, a few disgruntled people, gossip, and the very humanness of people that can be pretty hurtful. But I love my ‘St B’s family’ all the same.

The person who asked the question is American; where Race is a BIG issue. She is also completely obsessed with guys, marriage, and babies - a mindset that I am gradually getting over (I mean the guys and marriage bit). Until she mentioned it, I wasn’t even particularly bothered by the ‘white churchiness’ apart from maybe the ‘Indie’ worship music, and people’s inability to harmonise!!! There are very few of us blacks in St B’s, along with the Japanese, Indians, and a couple of Polish. I’d say our 3% ethnic minority demographic is representative of most of the UK.
All I want to do now is concentrate on living a productive Single life – not one where I am on hold waiting for a guy to come along and complete me.

Edinburgh

2008-08-11T20:53:00.002+01:00

I discovered many things about myself – aside from the neurosis

Firstly – I don’t like damp weather… and Scotland has plenty of it

Secondly – I crave for ‘belonging’. Let me explain

My friend Sheila shares a flat with 2 Polish guys. Because she was busy with her dissertation, I spent most of my time with them. It was quite a full house as there were a couple of other guests staying over too, and in the evenings, other friends would drop by. They were almost like a close knit family– but not insular or cliquey at all
The first day, as they congregated in one of the rooms I hovered awkwardly in the kitchen. They called out to me to join them were careful to speak only English around me (a courtesy my Ugandan relatives should note) but I also urged them to teach me a few more Polish words and now my vocabulary has extended to

Djienkuye - Thank you
A prosha – You’re welcome
Ala chad – That’s cool
Zaiye bische- That is great
Nie- No
Tak – Yes
Gen Dobre – good day
Dobre Nos – good night

The spelling is way out but doesn’t matter as long as I can say them correctly!

In turn, they were genuinely interested in me, asking questions about my life, interests, religion. We had a long discussion about Buddhism and Christianity.
Before I knew it, a beer was pressed into my hands; we were laughing; out came the guitar, ukulele and harmonica; we composed a silly song and recorded ourselves singing it – collapsing into hysterical laughter at the end of it.
IT WAS FANTASTIC!!
That set the trend for the rest of my stay- hanging out and really bonding with them. On my last evening, we went out on the town together, joined by a Scotsman and Spaniard. These guys aren’t exactly earning a lot of money- I earn more - but they insisted on paying for all my drinks and generally looked after me.
It made me realise how I miss being part of a community. In London, we just don’t take the time. There is a distinct lack of spontaneity which is necessary to forge close friendships. I’ve only ever felt this kind of community with non-Christian friends – why is that I wonder?
So now, I’m on a mission to discover more Polish friends because I admire their way.

Quick one

2008-08-05T10:23:00.003+01:00

Still feeling a bit sleep deprived after Poland trip. It was way too short, got there on Friday night, Saturday was taken up with Mark and Ewelina's wedding, and then thanks to Ryanair changing their schedule, an early morning flight back to London. I didn't really do anything touristy. My lingering impression though is that the Poles are very generous, warm people. On Saturday morning I helped pick rose petals from Kryscik's (my host) family allotment. As we were leaving his parents bombarded me with home grown apples and gherkins . The latter, I subseqently learnt, are a Polish delicacy. I look forward to going again next year for Izabela and Kryscik's wedding
Off now to Edinburgh for the Fringe festival. Overwhelmed by amount of choice - a search on the website brought up 2000+ items! Kind of hard to narrow it down because I don't know what is good... what sucks... I'll see

Over Analysing

2008-07-30T13:57:00.004+01:00

On Sunday after Service, as I was walking up to the High road to catch a bus, Jonathan, (remember... from the 20-30’s cluster barbeque?) ran up and asked where I was going. I thought he was headed in the same direction and just wanted to walk with me until he mentioned that he had a car, and would I like a lift? Of course! I can’t say no to a lift! When we got to the High Road, he offered to take me further and drop me at my destination… I noticed we took the scenic route...
When I got home, I mentioned this to Shifa and Yati and they became so excited that I had to reel them in,

“The guy is just being friendly and you guys are already planning the wedding”

If I’m being honest on a certain level I am a little excited. I’m not used to people (especially Christian guys) wanting to be friends. There are a lot of desperate single women in the church and guys tend to avoid us single women altogether because the slightest friendly gesture is often misinterpreted. Its true! We read too much into these things- encouraged along by our girlfriends.

Now Jonathan… he is nice looking… a bit on the skinny side (It’s okay, I can work with skinny, just feed him and strongly encourage him to go to the gym...unless of course he is like my cousin Carole who CANNOT put on weight no matter how hard she tries)...I think he is about 27 … is in prayer ministry team… laughs at my jokes… the colour scheme for the wedding will be red and gold… engagement party to take place in Uganda with wedding at St Barnabas… Hmm I wonder what my name will look like with his surname – should we make it double barrelled with a hyphen in the middle.

Women, eh?

Natasha Bedingfields’ song ‘I Want to Have Your Babies’ nicely sums it up. In the song’s video she is in a session at the gym with a gorgeous Personal trainer, and you see those little ‘imagination bubbles’ pop up on the screen with her thinking about their babies together. The guy totally oblivious. The bridge of the song goes

‘Trust me it would scare you
If you knew what was going on in my brain
Trust me it would scare you
That I picked out the church, or the schools or the names’

Oh yeah, if Jonathan had heard that conversation with my girls, he would scuttle

I don’t want to read any more into it, and will choose to believe that I’m not being singled out for special attention and he is probably the same way with all his female friends

In the meantime I think I’ll go with the double barrelled surname ;-)

The Ministry of Motherhood

2008-07-29T02:47:00.003+01:00

My friend Shifa is over on a week's holiday with her two toddlers (3-sh and 2 years old)
It's quite an experience having kids in our 'bachelorette' pad. The whining, screeching, attention seeking, loud squeals of joy, the silence (dangerous as this is a sure indicator that they are up to no good) are all proving to be too much for me.
Even more challenging are the day trips. On Saturday we drove down to Brighton beach, which is quite a long drive for me. The last 30 minutes of the journey was nightmare as we had to change the 2 years old's nappy, and endure his wailing. Once we got to the Brighton Pier, we were bombarded with requests for ice cream, sweeties, chocolate, candy floss, expensive rides- and when refused... loud tantrums. The 2 kids jostled to be carried by Mommy, and Mommy alone - not Aunty! It was a hot muggy day, crowded and I felt really sorry for Shifa
How do mothers cope?
If I had any reservations about having children... I think I can confidently say.. I definitely don't want any! I just don't have the patience, selflessness.... PATIENCE!
Don't get me wrong, the kids can be as sweet as pie. It is especially heart-warming when the little body (with dry diaper) climbs onto your lap to cuddle. Or when he spots you, lets out a loud cry and runs to you with arms outstretched. But those moments are so few and far between!
I have a profound respect for mothers... especially my Mom, who at one time had 4 toddlers under the age of 5! How she coped in the grey isolation of Stockport... I will never know!
God bless all mothers in the world; replenish their ever dwindling strength, give them oodles of patience, grace, wisdom to discipline, and a healthy alternative to sweeties!

Barbeque

2008-07-21T13:21:00.001+01:00

Last Wednesday, I crashed a barbeque organised by the 20-30’s Home Group cluster. I think I’m the only person who was aware of the fact that I was actually gate crashing. Everyone just assumed I was supposed to be there. So not really gate crashing then. It helped that I brought my own meat to put on the grill and had a camera to take loads of photos

The 20-30's cluster is made up of small groups that meet mid weekly for bible study, prayer, building friendships etc. These groups are loosely based on geographical location and age group – the assumption being that you will have common interests. I’m a big fan of Home Groups – especially if you are in a large congregation because you really get to know people. All of my closest friends, I first met in Home Groups.

But how come I am 33, and not part of a 20-30’s Home Group cluster?

Well, when I joined St B’s, I asked the Home Group coordinator to assign me to a Group. I was 30 at the time, and was placed in a group of people in their 30’s, which I subsequently discovered was not part of the 20’s – 30’s cluster, in fact we did not appear to belong to any cluster at all!!!
As I become more involved in St B’s, I’m making friends with people from the 20-30’s cluster (mainly in their 20’s). We like the same music, use the same slang (courtesy of my previous youth work experience), they socialise regularly (something I really need at the moment), and most importantly they all think I’m 27!!! (I don’t correct them)
My home group bless them, are lovely and even though I do not socialise with them on a regular basis, I wouldn’t leave to join the 20-30’s cluster. It’s enough that I can attend the cluster events – it's the best of both worlds really.

What was I saying before I got completely side tracked there? Yeah… the barbeque!

For someone who is sworn off men, I’m certainly not doing very well keeping my mind off them. Steve was there looking fabulous as always (or buff… as he likes to say). I also met a guy called Tom…

A bit of history

When I was at University, part of a prophecy I received was that someone called Thomas would have a significant impact on my life. The prophecy also said that I’d be married within 4 years time and set up a ministry with my husband, my old church would be rebuilt to have 4 balconies and that I’d be an evangelist. Well 11 years have gone by, to my knowledge my old church still has just the one balcony and as for evangelism… I won’t even go there!!!
Methinks the ‘prophecy’ is definitely obsolete, n’est pas? It still doesn’t stop me from getting excited whenever I meet a ‘Tom’…or when I read a book by a ‘Tom’; and probably explains why I like Tom Cruise? There aren’t many Tom’s out there.
I engaged in small talk with Tom but nothing caught my attention; so after the obligatory 5 minutes, I employed my usual strategy, which is, suddenly look behind him
“Oh you calling me?” glance at Tom apologetically “Must go and talk to so and so. Nice talking to you”

Also a guy called Jonathan intentionally came up to talk (very rare for an English guy to do that- usually happens to me in Italy, but never here). He was a nice guy, a bit interesting.

Just realised I didn’t meet any new girls at barbeque

Purpose...

2008-07-18T14:05:00.002+01:00

As I grow older so does my capacity to whinge. I don’t want to be ‘that’ woman. You know, the one every one avoids because she is just too depressing!

I’ve always tried to emulate my Christian heroine; Corrie Ten Boom. There’s something about her that I can (strangely) relate to. She lived quite an ordinary life, never married, worked in the family business as a clockmaker and was involved in charitable work. At the age of 52, she (and her family) was arrested for harbouring Jews from Nazi Gestapo. She spent 10 months in concentration camps – including the notorious Ravensbruck camp in Germany. When she was released, she went around the world preaching a message of forgiveness.
Yeah I know I should be striving to be like Jesus – but let’s be realistic here, I’ll NEVER be like Him- Corrie’s easier. Come to think of it… it’s not easy being Corrie either. Not sure I could forgive people who treated me brutally and like sh*t!!
I’m not very charitably inclined – yes I do have some degree of compassion for the oppressed, persecuted and will make the occasional gesture of support. I don’t think kids are ‘cute’ and old people smell and are irritating

A poem written for me

2008-07-14T23:33:00.005+01:00

Andre, the only kid who kept in touch from my stint with the Prince's Trust wrote me a poem on Facebook!

Kim's a lady
She is not one bit Shady
But Maybe she is
She's mysterious
No shes not
Shes's very calm
And Very together
She likes to Travel
In very nine weathers
She doesn't like feathers (I think)
Cos they' re from pigeons
Or maybe she does
She might prefer doves
There's one thing I should say
Kim's a good lady
She's still not shady
So I think I should end this now
And feel so proud
That I've got one out of the way
88 left to do
If you're a mutual friend
And reading this
Then the next one could
Be about you.

Andre Cole aka The Red Hot Anchovy.

I'm touched!!

Help!

2008-07-11T00:48:00.001+01:00

This morning, I watched a lame pigeon trying to cross the busy road. At first I chuckled softly to myself as cars slowed down, inching carefully around it “These bazungu and their love for animals”.
Just as it was looking like the pigeon would make it to the other side, a big red bus came hurtling at top speed towards it
SPLAT!
All that was left was a dark feathery blob against the dull grey surface of the road.
Poor thing… it didn’t have a chance. Probably did not realise that this was its last day on earth.

Somtimes I feel like that lame pigeon- hopping arduously across the busy road of life, never knowing when I'll get hit by a bus.

I’ve been under quite a lot of stress lately as I realise that I have no dreams, aspirations, ambition… just marking time waiting for that bus. The subtitle of my life reads, “Is this it?”

I’m frustrated by a complete lack of control

Tomorrow I’m babysitting my nephew and I am terrified because kids are not my thing... feel so out of depth. My bathroom smells even more strongly of damp! I discovered after I had removed the old sealant from around the edges that I didn’t know how to operate the sealant gun. It all became too much for me, and I just sat on the bathroom floor weeping in frustration. I hate that damp smell and seeing the paint peeling away from the ceiling. Which reminds me…I need to replace the extractor fans and central heating system in the flat. I have nobody to consult about this and too scared to take big financial risks by spending on poor quality materials and workmanship – the memory of the builder who ripped me off tiling my bathroom floor is still quite vivid.
Temporary emotional relief in the form of booking holidays I can't afford, comfort eating, drinking alcohol are just that... temporary! The resultant credit card debt and weight gain however are not!!! I hate myself so much right now… I wish I had more self control… confidence… was more competent

I do not think God is hearing me on this one. Is this Him showing ‘tough love’?

I just cannot cope alone at the moment. I’m part of a church ‘family’ but feel so isolated. Just wish there was someone who could come alongside and help… anybody willing to give me time… some advice… a second opinion… help in writing up and executing an action plan

I just need not to feel so alone!!

Life after a car...

2008-07-01T23:48:00.001+01:00

I had to let go of my car! The crankshaft had gone and I didn’t know how much it would cost to fix it. MOT, insurance and service were coming up – money has been tight! So I called up a national disposal company – negotiated a measly 100 pounds – and voila it was gone!!
I knew it would be difficult. My home isn’t close to the tube, and the only way to get to work and church is by bus! A journey that took 20 minutes now takes one and half hours. I thought I’d use the extra time to catch up on my reading, but with the distractions this is almost impossible. On my way back home one evening, after a particularly stressful day at work, I didn’t appreciate the high pitched squealing of the baby at the front of the bus, or the teenagers talking AT each other with loud voices. How I miss unwinding in the silence of my car!!!
The teenagers!
Under 16’s have free bus travel; on condition they have a photo Oyster card. It really doesn’t cost a lot to get one, but almost every week a group of teenagers will get onto the bus without their oyster cards. They either try to sneak in or negotiate with the bus driver. When he refuses to relent, they push past anyway and go up to the top deck – loud music blasting from their mobile phones. The driver switches off the engine and refuses to budge until they get off. Us passengers are too scared to tell the kids off, because you never know in London, with all these stories of knife crime, they could come after you.
It’s so annoying!
However, I’ve been blessed by the generosity and kindness of other people. My work colleague has given me a lift a couple of times, to a half way point- cutting my journey home to 30 minutes. I’ve bonded with Joanne who gives me a lift after Alpha every Tuesday evening. Sarah Jane picked me up from home one Sunday to take me for the evening service. It’s really humbling and makes me think that I should have been more generous with my car when I had one.
I’m walking more – an extra 30 minutes a day. Sometimes more- if I am going straight to church from the office – about 45 minute walk. Plus I get loads of aerobic activity running to catch the bus, knowing that if you miss THIS one; you’ll have to wait another 30 minutes till the next one comes! I’m trying to focus on the positives here – even though right now I feel the negatives far outweigh them.
I suppose like with most things, I’ll get used to it, and it will cease to bother me.